Name: Gross Long Beard
Uploaded: 2023-05-30T16:20:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gross Long Beard' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gross Long Beard' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-30. Transcript available.

Well, more bad news for ice cream moguls Ben and Jerry
in their continuing battle with the Food and Drug Administration.
This week, the FDA banned their newest flavor,
stuff from Ben's beard.
Meddling bureaucracy wrecking mass.
Well, bad news for ice cream moguls Ben and Jerry.
This week, the Food and Drug Administration banned their newest flavor,
Ben's back hair.
ZZ Top sang that every girl's crazy about a sharp-dressed man,
but you know what they're not crazy about?
Gross long beards.
It's funny and true.
That one was written for yours.
That was more of your cadence right there.
No, no, no.
But you know what they're not crazy about?
Gross long beards.
A new study found that men with beards are more attractive.
This is a study that took place at the University of...
I'll do it another week.
It's such a funny joke.
Another week?
A new study found that men with beards are more attractive
than men without beards.
More great work from the University of Bob Seger.
My dad used to call him, take a shave.
Take a shave!
He'd get mad at me.
People don't know you the way I know you.
Right.
This guy likes to have a good time.
I like to, you know, I drinks a bit.
That wasn't what I was talking about.
Oh, what were you talking about?
I was just saying you have a good time.
It's a real innocent thing to say, and then you get right into the drinking.
Occasionally, I like to drink a beer, you know.
I don't like, I like, you know, regular drinks.
You know, I don't like, I don't like...
As opposed to ether?
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
What I was talking about is, you know those shooters?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, they're shooters and they're like, they have dirty names, like sex names.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, they're all called like, you know, the red-headed whore or something.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
It's the one I like.
It's actually named after me.
Oh, my God.
You lousy.
But, you know, I guess the idea is in your head, you want to order them because
you're drunk.
You go, hey, they go, hey, you think maybe you'll get a, you know, they go, you
want a red-headed whore?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, what?
You figure the rule of Lenska is going to come in and you're going to have some
dirty, dirty sex.
But, no, what I was going to say was this.
But you like, I mean, you said you, sometimes you have a little too much to
drink, maybe?
One time I drank a super amount and I was, I had only been...
A super amount, right?
It was when I was a young guy.
I'd only drunk like eight or nine times in my whole life.
I never had gotten really drunk, but I had had drinks.
And I went out with my buddies and I was drinking.
And they were having those crazy drinks.
All of a sudden, I was really drunk.
And then a guy gave me some pills.
Like, he said, hey, you want some pills?
And I said, yeah, all right.
So, I ate the pills.
And you're not supposed to eat pills while you drink.
I think even if you're not drinking, it's not a good idea when someone goes,
you want a bunch of pills?
Yeah.
I know.
Yeah, combining the two.
This guy was a decent guy.
He was a bouncy.
No.
But, so I said, yeah.
So, these pills, they just make you like a hundred times drunker.
So, then I'm, oh, man.
I'm really drunk.
And then, like, time passed, but I don't remember.
Then my friends were like, hey, let's go.
I'm like, why don't you guys go?
Where are you going to, you know, why go, right?
Like, we're in a bar drinking, right?
And, like, it doesn't seem right.
You don't want to go home, you know, and watch I Love Lucy or something.
So, you're like, hey, I'll just stay here.
I'll make new friends, right?
So, I was, like, real drunk.
And everybody was, like, cool.
It was like a Western.
I had a jukebox, you know.
One of those.
Guy gives you a whole bottle there, you know.
And you go, ah.
And then.
That's what you do when you're drinking.
Ah.
You're a pirate.
All of a sudden.
And then, it was the funnest, man.
There was a big, fat, bearded guy there.
And I was hanging with him, real drunk.
All of a sudden, right?
I'm like, oh, man, I can't remember anything.
I remember, like, I sort of fall into a pool table or something like that.
Right.
And then I wake up, right?
And it's like, I'm in a bed.
I look beside.
There's the fat, bearded guy beside me.
No, really?
Yeah, yeah.
So, I go, oh, Lord God, I had sex with the fat, bearded guy.
And at the time, like, I never had sex before in my life.
Yeah.
You know, and I always thought, it's probably going to be with a lady.
You know what I mean?
So, then I looked over, and the weird thing was, instead of us being in the
same bed,
he's in a separate bed, right?
Like, we have two separate beds.
Oh, it's like twin beds.
Twin beds.
So, then I'm like, wait a minute.
Now, this is weird, because, you know, why would we be in separate beds?
Is he, like, an old-fashioned gay guy, you know?
Right?
He has the good values, yeah.
We're not married yet.
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy.
They're the most decadent people, so I said.
What?
What?
With sex, you know?
They enjoy sex like crazy, you know?
We mustn't generalize.
No, we mustn't generalize.
No, but go ahead.
Seriously, they, you know, if there was a bathhouse for straight guys,
we wouldn't be able to have sex nine, ten times a night anyway.
So, anyways, I'm with, they love sex.
It's a good thing.
But I'm beside the fat-bearded guy.
I go, holy lord.
Anyways, it turns out, not a gay man at all,
turns out this guy, when I blacked out, had checked me into a rehab.
No.
Yeah.
And she's in there with you?
Yeah, so I'm, I got, and I got robes and a slipper,
and they wouldn't give me my clothes back.
And I had to stay in there for three days.
And they're, they're like, you're an alcoholic.
I go, no, I'm not.
And then, apparently, that's what alcoholics say, too, you know?
Uh-huh.
So then, for three days, I had to stay there.
I had to go to AA meetings.
Uh-huh.
And I'd only been drunk, like, nine times, you know?
So they're like, what's your worst one?
I go, I guess the ninth one was bad, you know?
Nice.
That was, and, and, when did you hit bottom?
I said, I don't know.
The cool part of it was, the girls all get up, right?
And they're, all their stories are all the same.
Whenever they hit bottom, every story's the same.
They're like, oh, uh, when I hit bottom, uh, you know,
I, I, uh, bought a guy for a drink, you know?
And you're like, oh.
You know, every guy.
Couldn't we just take them out of the studio for the norm part
and then bring them back?
Get a salad guard up, something?
So anyways.
All right, well, that's a nice story.
No, but it's a, it's a serious, it's a serious, uh, illness, you know?
Alcoholism.
It's an illness, it's an illness, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
It's a good illness, because you get, you, you know,
there's not a lot of illnesses, you get to be drunk all the time.
Yeah, I know.
That's a corker.
You told me that we should go our separate ways, but now