Name: Norm Macdonald on What Would He do If He Met OJ
Uploaded: 2023-08-23T11:57:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on What Would He do If He Met OJ' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on What Would He do If He Met OJ' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-23. Transcript available.

I never told you this story, Norm, but I went to play golf in the Valley one
day.
We got to play golf, by the way.
I remember we were supposed to play.
Yeah, I play with my son once a week now.
You did?
He's 10.
We go right to Penmar, play nine holes once a week.
I play Penmar.
I just play that.
You have five or something?
Yeah, let's go out.
I love you.
So I go to play golf at Hanson Dam, you know that course up in the Valley?
It's off the 118.
It's great.
And so I'm there with Jackie Flynn, you know that comic?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love that.
And we're going to play, and so they say we're going to put you with two other
players.
And so we're standing there waiting for the two other players, and overwalks O.J.
Simpson and his friend.
And so I just look at the heavens like, thank you.
Thank you, comedy god, for this opportunity.
You know, four and a half hours on a course with Jackie Flynn being from Boston
goes,
fuck that.
I ain't playing with that fucking murderer.
And so O.J. kind of just, he didn't even get angry.
He just sort of turned around and, you know, sauntered off.
And I was always curious what you would have done in that situation.
Me?
I don't see.
Listen, man.
Like, I was like, fuck.
I don't give a shit about any of these people.
I don't even think of them as real people.
Like, everybody was angry when that Casey Anthony.
Yeah.
I don't give a fuck.
Like, that's just some lady with a killer kid.
I don't care.
So if I met Casey Anthony, I'd just be, oh, she's a celebrity.
It's kind of hot.
Yeah.
Actually, when I spent most of my time during the trial looking at her tits.
Because I never get, I don't get sad about stuff like that.
I don't know if there's something missing in me or, but I don't give a fuck if
a guy, if
somebody killed their kid.
I didn't know her in the first place.
I didn't know she didn't kill her kid.
You know?
It's hard for me to really get all outraged about stuff.
That's funny because that's in theory, according to some people, why you lost
your job at SNL
is because you were taking shots at OJ and Don Allmire, who was running NBC at
the time,
sort of, and correct me if I'm wrong, if this is urban myth, kind of laid down
the line
that you were not to make OJ jokes any longer because he was a neighbor of his.
Well, yeah, that's what they said.
But still, if I met OJ, I would be like you.
I'd go, God damn, I want to hang out with that guy.
When we were on a sports show, I'd try to get interviewed.
Norm Macdonald talked to OJ's lawyer for a half hour on the phone trying to get
an interview
with OJ in prison.
That happened four months ago.
Well, the lawyer said, this was funny, he goes, oh, I bet OJ would do it.
He didn't have no idea who I was, right?
And it was very funny to think because when he came back, he goes, are you a
comedian?
Are you that?
I go, yeah.
He goes, oh, you're the comedian, Norm Macdonald.
You're a comedian?
I go, yeah.
He goes, oh, yeah.
He goes, OJ doesn't like you at all.
And I just imagine this retard lawyer like going to OJ and then OJ going, what
the fuck?
What are you talking?
Because he probably went like it was a big, like...
Big pitch.
They're rolling in the bank, too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like my manager's assistant phones me up.
He got a new assistant.
So she phones me up all the time.
And I tell her, stop doing that, you know.
She phones me up.
She goes, Norm, we have a wonderful opportunity for you.
I go, really?
What is it?
She goes, Vegas High Life Magazine wants to interview you.
I'm like, you mean I'm doing that Vegas gig next month?
Yeah.
They want to do an interview with you.
I go, you shouldn't start that sentence by going, it's a wonderful opportunity.
But that's probably why he went in with OJ, you know, with this wonderful
opportunity.
So is he, is OJ actively receiving interview requests?
You know, I mean, like, how come there aren't more interviews?
I think the guy needs to make money.
But how come there aren't more?
I was at a party with a friend until I noticed you first.
And you returned my gains, knew how to quench my thirst.
You took me to that room like a dream come true.
The dance you performed was just for me and you.
Kisses on the neck, then you work your way down.
Let yourself go for me all around town.
Seductively stood before me, for me.
Give in to that thirst till the energy burst.
The night flew past and you stroked my hair.
The panic kicks in, you're no longer there.
Now I'm thinking, please, it feels so good.
Hey, Twitter world, this is yours truly.
Now, coming soon to Twitter, you'll get to read all my thoughts on the
opinions on just about everything.
Now, there's a lot of fake OJ accounts out there.
So this one, at the real OJ32, is the only official one.
So this should be a lot of fun.
I got a little getting even to do.
So God bless.
Take care.
Well, in a questionable move by the defense team this week, OJ Simpson
demonstrated how to stab two people at the same time.
In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnny Cochran
put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders.
Although OJ may have heard his case when he suddenly blurted out, hey, hey,
easy with that.
That's my lucky stabbing hat.
Well, it is finally official.
Murder is legal in the state of California.
A down and out OJ Simpson, depressed that all of his money-making ideas have
failed, has decided to go back to doing what he does best, killing people.
Hey, Twitter world.
You know, for years, people have been able to say whatever they want to say
about me with no accountability.
But now I get to challenge a lot of that BS and set the record straight.
More importantly, I'll be able to talk about everything, especially sports,
fantasy, football, and even politics.
But for now, let me just say to my fellow fathers out there, happy Father's Day.
And God bless.