Name: Blind Stories
Uploaded: 2023-08-29T14:18:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Blind Stories' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Blind Stories' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-29. Transcript available.

I'm not afraid of everything. I'm afraid of very few things.
Like what?
Illness, death.
Yeah. How'd you get peace of mind out of the other shit?
Well, when I was very... This is a weird thing that happened to me when I was
young.
Yeah.
I don't know if this means anything.
Let's try it.
I remember it, but it was a moment I had that wasn't religious or epinafic or
anything,
but it transformed me to some degree is that I was always fucking so afraid of
everything.
And if I went to a store, I'd have to walk around forever before I could even
face a person in the store to buy a pack of gum.
I don't know why the fuck I was like this.
But anyways, when I was nine, we lived in rural Ontario, and there was a blind
friend of my dad's that I had to...
He said, take him to the store.
I was like, what the fuck? Like I have to take this blind fucker?
And I'm already shy and shit?
So I'm taking him to the store, and then the fucker wants me to explain
everything, describe everything to him.
Yeah.
So I'm like, there's some grass over here, and now there's a lamppost.
And this guy's all happy.
What about the lamppost? I mean, it's just a lamppost.
Yeah.
So it goes on and on, but something happened to me during...
It sounds bizarre, but something happened to me where I was actually, instead
of always looking inward, which I think I'd always done before that one time, I
was looking outward.
Anyways, while I was talking to him, I suddenly had a sort of a hysteria.
Like I was laughing. I started laughing and stuff.
I don't even know why I'm remembering this, but I started laughing about
everything, and everything seemed like very, very funny to me.
And then a couple weeks later, I saw a homeless guy, and he was talking about...
He started talking to me, and he was talking to me about John D. Rockefeller.
He's like, I was at John D. Rockefeller's funeral and all this shit.
And I was laughing at him and shit, and then he started laughing, and I was
like, it's all fucking crazy shit.
Like something came to me where I started, and so now I find everything funny
except like fucking real serious.
Like I have no fear of going on stage or anything about death and shit.
Right.
But the problem with laughing is it will build to a hysteria sometimes that I
have to crank a couple of benzos to...
Oh, yeah?
...prevent a panic attack.
Really?
Yeah, I can get panic attacks.
You can laugh yourself into an anxiety attack?
Absolutely, yeah.
I start laughing, and then it gets out of control, like hysterical.
And I still have extreme sensitivity to things.
I always go by eyes.
Again?
I always go by eyes.
You should.
What if someone's blind, though?
It's not sexual.
It's not only sexual.
What if someone's blind?
My dad knew a blind man, and my dad was in the war.
He was, you know, he was a double generation older than I.
You know, he had me when he was 50.
So he was in...
That explains a lot.
He was in The Great One, and all his friends were...
Right.
So he had a blind friend, and he came over, and my dad said, do you want a Coke,
Elmer?
RC Cola.
Well, God damn, we don't got no RC Cola.
We got Coca-Cola, the gold standard.
Right.
And this blind bastard wants an RC.
So I go down to Avonmore, take him, pick up an RC.
That's a mile and a half walk.
Right.
So I walk with this blind son of a bitch.
And he says to me, he wants me to describe everything.
So I said, okay, well, on the left, there's some cows lowing, and, you know,
there's a fence.
He goes, is it like a wood that's near petrified?
I said, yes, it is.
And how big is it?
Three feet.
I said, John Neal Marjerson used to own this land.
He said, I don't want to hear that.
He says, just tell me what is.
And so all of a sudden, I saw things as they were.
I was very young, but I'll never forget that.
Because I had to see, for this blind man, I had to see and describe, not my
opinions, you know.
Right.
So when I went by John Neal Marjerson's house a half a quarter later, I didn't
mention John Neal or anything.
I just described the house.
Right.
Because that's all he wanted to see.
And then I began to realize that life is what is, not what you think it is, or
not even what it appears to be sometimes.
I think you would agree that your life or my life is just a series of facts, a
series of incidents.
It's not what you dream or hope or believe.
It's what you do.
I would say the exact opposite.
What do you think it is?
First of all, you mean to tell me this does not end with we suddenly realize,
why the hell are we getting this blind man a different brand?
That's not the punchline?
Oh, no, there's no punchline.
Oh, my God.
I was definitely expecting it.
Then you see you a million miles away.
A thousand percent.
Why are we getting a different brand Coke for a blind man?
That's not where we're going?
Well, his sense of taste was expanded.
He doesn't drink it through his eyes.
I guarantee you, you could fool a blind person with an off-brand Coke.
I guarantee you, you could fool a blind person with an off-brand Coke.
I guarantee you, you could fool a blind person with an off-brand Coke.
A blind man felt Princess Diana's face last week and said she is the prettiest
woman I've ever seen.
He then picked up a toilet plunger and said, "Thank you for this royal scepter,
I shall treasure it always."