Name: Great Jokes Ruined by the Delivery
Uploaded: 2023-10-12T07:12:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Great Jokes Ruined by the Delivery' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Great Jokes Ruined by the Delivery' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-12. Transcript available.

Are you ready?
All right.
Oh.
You don't like that one either?
No, I mean, I like it.
I just...
Do you understand that we're on the air?
Yeah.
Oh, right.
We all know that the Swiss are officially neutral.
Who wrote this?
Who wrote this?
Who wrote this?
Well, that screwed up my timing.
Who wrote this?
We don't have a name on it.
Do you have writers?
It's anonymous.
I didn't write it.
I don't know what to say.
Well, I didn't write that one.
We all know the Swiss are officially neutral.
Unofficially, however, they're filthy sons of bitches.
Now the Swiss think I hate them.
What about this?
Go ahead.
Read this one.
I can prove God exists if I can just find that damn receipt from our brunch in
heaven.
That is so funny.
That is so f***ing funny.
Did you write this?
I didn't write that one.
Read that one.
Uh, call me an old softy, but I'd prefer it if you called me a distinguished
gentleman with a flagging erection.
Oh.
I don't like that one.
Read that one.
Why are you going to make me read all this?
Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of--
Could you give me a favor?
Can you find out what the traffic is like on the Santa Monica?
Going to the desert.
You'll like this one, Superdive.
Deep throat.
Hey, can I tell you something?
This is a bad segment.
Yeah, it is.
You know it is.
You know it is.
When you come to goodnight, he says goodnight.
I really enjoyed doing this show.
I had a great time.
And I'll see you next week.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
They're not even-- they're so beyond insulting the awful that it's not a
segment.
Can we start this segment over without the joke?
No, it's live.
Yeah, it is live.
We live on podcast?
This is live.
Holy cow.
Listen to this joke because I think--
Well, yeah, I just wanted to say--
This is right up his alley.
Yeah.
This is just--
He might not remember this guy though.
No, he'll probably remember.
Deep throat porn legend Harry Reeves.
Yeah, he died.
But how are they going to close that casket?
I mean, 'cause-- probably 'cause of his erection, I would think.
How are they going to close that casket?
That isn't very good, is it?
I don't know.
I didn't write that one.
Plus, a man died.
Yeah, a guy died.
He died.
How are they going to do a joke?
He was a real pioneer.
Make Super Dave laugh!
Super Dave, I just wanted to tell you.
Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of England.
The worst?
Richard the goat f***er.
I don't think he's going to laugh.
It's like watching--
I think he's close.
Hold on.
I think he's close.
It's like watching that golf ball on the edge of it.
I don't understand.
I don't understand any of these.
I don't even understand that they're--
How you could take a segment to end your first show when these ratings are so
important.
And people at home, that guy who wanted to know how to become a comic--
Who, JP?
No, the guy--
The guy who wanted to know how to become a comic.
Oh, from the writer, yeah, yeah.
How can you tell him how to become a comic when you're reading that?
Yeah.
Would you read that at a comic store?
No, I'm ashamed.
I don't think you would, would you?
What's your best joke?
Do it right now.
We're going to close the show on your best joke.
I'm not a comic.
Do it.
You are.
You've done stand-up comedy.
No, I didn't write jokes.
Do it.
I really didn't write jokes.
But you've done stand-up comedy.
What is your--
Yeah, that's why I don't do it anymore.
Would you talk to him after the show?
Yeah.
Because you've got to get this--
Over a drink.
It's got to be more fluid when you talk to him.
He's got to come back and forth.
I know.
That's what I told him before.
I said yes.
You've got to, like, say yes.
Yes and no.
It's got to be like ping pong.
It's always no with him.
It's like ping pong.
I know, but with him it's always no.
With him it's like you hit the--
Nobody can't do that.
He grabs the ping pong ball and throws it up.
What's your best joke?
What's your best joke?
The problem is I don't have any jokes.
I literally have no jokes yet.
Oh, would you say that again?
What is your best joke?
Um, I mean, the punchline is--
It's all right.
It's all right.
The cunt is in the sink.
It's okay.
That's the joke.
That's all I know.
That's all I got.
You just wrecked Adam Egan telling a joke.
The latest Archie comic shows gay character Kevin kissing his boyfriend Devin.
Another barrier will be broken next month when in a dream sequence Jughead will
be show fisting Betty Crocker.
Goddamn, you're illiterate.
It's a show fit.
Oh, you're right.
We'll be shown.
We'll be shown.
They forgot to write the end there.
Listen, whenever someone says, I have a couple irons in the fire, I think, is
one of them a job writing blacksmithing metaphor?
What?
I don't know.
I don't know.
That's funny.
But we're going to end--
Astronomers have discovered three new planets that have an atmosphere conducive
to human life.
And they've discovered one that has an Atmo conducive to hipster life.
Whatever.
I like that one.
Some of the 200 Nigerian schoolgirls kidnapped by extremists in Nigeria have
been forced to marry their kidnappers.
And worse than that, they've been forced to laugh at their husbands' stories
even after hearing them for the umpteenth time.
You know something.
Yeah, I know.
It's very hard to make a joke about those girls who are kidnapped.
I know.
When I hear about those things, that is one of the worst--
It's terrible.
And yet you got a big laugh.
George Clooney's engaged.
The rich and handsome 53-year-old told reporters, it's time for me to settle
down and start officially cheating on a heart-sick and disillusioned spouse.
I don't hear any laughter.
Well.
I love George Clooney so much that he can do no wrong.
He's just one of the good--
I can do a lot of wrongs.
He's just one of the good human beings in the world.
He is, isn't it?
A good name for a dog is Syndrome.
Then when he tries to attack someone, you can yell, "Down Syndrome."
It's not-- I mean, it's-- yeah.
That's like a dog.
It was a little insensitive, I guess.
I don't know if you guys heard about this.
And in the Broadway musical version of the show, after Rocky climbs the steps
of the art museum, he goes inside and spends two hours looking at people.
I know, god damn.
Goes inside and looks at what?
Paintings?
He looks at paintings.
I like that.
That's a good one.
Two women accused of using sorcery have been beheaded in a remote village in
Papua New Guinea.
A team of police rushed to the scene, but were forced to stand by and watch the
victims being decapitated with axes as locals refused to let them come to their
aid.
Norm, if you ever go to a remote village in Papua New Guinea, you're going to
be forced to stand by and watch the victims being decapitated with axes as
locals refused to let them come to their aid.
Norm, if you ever go to a remote village in Papua New Guinea, at all costs,
avoid using sorcery.
I didn't understand any of that.
Maybe you'll have me back.
Everyone stopped listening like three minutes in.
Mondays aren't actually worse than any other day, according to a group of
researchers who've never read a Garfield comic.
Fred?
Workers at a Harvard University library have discovered a book that's bound
with human skin.
Ew.
I know, it's disgusting.
Anyway, they were able to determine that part of the body the skin came from
after the book was grabbed by a sexy librarian and immediately expanded to
three times its size.
Three?
Times its size.
Maybe, maybe if you didn't start there.
Does that mean it was made from a penis?
Yeah, yeah.
Michelle Obama has booked a cameo on the ABC show Nashville.
With this and her appearance on iCarly, I think Michelle is ready to start
appearing in films.
May I suggest my favorite film series, Black Ass F***ers?
You don't hear anymore about Bob Costas' infected eye.
Who is stonewalling this investigation?
I'm thinking about a year I would work on my delivery, but it's just not
working out.
I think the joke is --
You don't hear anymore about Bob Costas' infected eye?
Who's stonewalling this investigation?
He's a consummate amateur.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Adam.
One day in the hopefully not too distant future, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un
is going to hear a loud popping sound, the sound of his head coming out of his
ass.
Adam is very kind of -- Adam is the kindest guest to you so far.
Yeah, by far.
Yeah.
Just in case he's still booking Tempe.
This week I learned by Adam is --
I'll be invited back to the comedy table.
These are always fun.
This week I learned just because I masturbated to that picture of a guy falling
to his death on 9/11 doesn't mean I have to share it.
This week I learned you can pay your desk with blowjobs.
Who knew that, right?
Well, I found out this week.
But you won't feel it because of the Novocaine.
Ah.
All right.
I learned two things.
Yeah.
Two things.
Is that easier?
Uh, this week I learned that cum tastes like nickels.
Oh.
This week?
Is that true?
That cum tastes like nickels?
Yeah.
That's funny.
You know what it says?
That's what it says.
This week I learned how many gallons of sweat my Kmart hat can hold.
Jesus Christ.
We'll be back with the ever funny Adam Egan.
Okay, get ready to laugh.
Why is it so different to find pornography about people in stable monogamous
relationships?
Why is it so what?
Different.
Different?
Difficult!
Oh, damn.
Start all over and the joke still works.
Oh, my God.
Earlier this week, Aaron Jackson of Topeka, Kansas, painted his house the
colors of the gay pride rainbow flag in direct protest of the Westboro Baptist
Church.
When that didn't seem to work, Jackson fucked three of his best buds on his
front lawn.
Homophobic.
Yeah.
Well, I think it shows solidarity.
I mean, earlier he was racist and now he's homophobic.
Yeah.
Well, I think of this.
Former Tennessee Titans cheerleader, Elizabeth Lee Garner, 42, is accused of
pulling a 12-year-old boy's pants off and offering immoral sex.
The boy refused her advances not because he was 12 but because he was a die-hard
Colts fan.
This is what I have to work with, you know?
Chipotle has canceled its planned sponsorship of the Utah Boy Scout event due
to the BSA's ban on gay leaders and scouts.
Ironic.
How an all-male anti-gay organization would want to put hot, thick loads of
beef and sour cream in the mouth.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
We get the idea.
You hate gay guys.
So, I'm a guest down there and now it's time to introduce the next guest.
And she says, "Okay, this next guy coming out, he's a great actor.
He was in Risky Business.
He's done all kinds of stuff.
I just love him.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Pantaleone."
And he comes out and as he's walking across the stage toward the desk, she goes,
"Oh, I know who he is."
He said during Roseanne's talk show.
Roseanne had a talk show.
Remember that?
Oh, yes, yes.
So, one time the guest was Joe Pantaleone and she didn't know who he was.
Oh, you f***ed it up.
God damn it.
Oh, God.
Let her f*** up.
You don't even have your own stories.
You take other people's stories and f*** them up.
I know that in this day nobody's gonna change.
You won't ever leave.
On my mind again.
I'm still not tired of it.
Can't make you want me.
And I may act okay.
Say things will stay the same.
Say I'm all I need.
If you're walking down the sidewalk and there's somebody coming the other way
in a wheelchair.
Yeah.
Do you have a look or do you -- so, "Oh, no, I'm gonna act normal."
Well, I try to -- I look at the guy and I hope to God my face isn't making all
kinds of twitches.
I like to hedge my bets.
I don't want to ignore him.
So, I'll look at him, but I'll, like, scowl or something.
Really?
Yeah.
Same joke.
Oh, is that?
Yeah.
What was your joke?
Uh --
You had one joke?
I know.
It was so ridiculous.
It was stupid.
What was it?
Oh, God, man.
It was something like, "Don't take a shot from a girl at a bar because it looks
-- it's never good."
I think the punchline was, "Is this a Care Bear cum shot or something?"
It was really ridiculous.
I don't remember it.
It was so long ago.
But that was the gist of it, and that's why I don't do stand-up anymore.
He can't even tell his own joke.
I mean, I'm not a good, you know --
Anything.
Yeah, clearly.
I mean, it's like --

Great Jokes Ruined by the Delivery

Are you ready?
All right.
Oh.
You don't like that one either?
No, I mean, I like it.
I just...
Do you understand that we're on the air?
Yeah.
Oh, right.
We all know that the Swiss are officially neutral.
Who wrote this?
Who wrote this?
Who wrote this?
Well, that screwed up my timing.
Who wrote this?
We don't have a name on it.
Do you have writers?
It's anonymous.
I didn't write it.
I don't know what to say.
Well, I didn't write that one.
We all know the Swiss are officially neutral.
Unofficially, however, they're filthy sons of bitches.
Now the Swiss think I hate them.
What about this?
Go ahead.
Read this one.
I can prove God exists if I can just find that damn receipt from our brunch in
heaven.
That is so funny.
That is so f***ing funny.
Did you write this?
I didn't write that one.
Read that one.
Uh, call me an old softy, but I'd prefer it if you called me a distinguished
gentleman with a flagging erection.
Oh.
I don't like that one.
Read that one.
Why are you going to make me read all this?
Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of--
Could you give me a favor?
Can you find out what the traffic is like on the Santa Monica?
Going to the desert.
You'll like this one, Superdive.
Deep throat.
Hey, can I tell you something?
This is a bad segment.
Yeah, it is.
You know it is.
You know it is.
When you come to goodnight, he says goodnight.
I really enjoyed doing this show.
I had a great time.
And I'll see you next week.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
They're not even-- they're so beyond insulting the awful that it's not a
segment.
Can we start this segment over without the joke?
No, it's live.
Yeah, it is live.
We live on podcast?
This is live.
Holy cow.
Listen to this joke because I think--
Well, yeah, I just wanted to say--
This is right up his alley.
Yeah.
This is just--
He might not remember this guy though.
No, he'll probably remember.
Deep throat porn legend Harry Reeves.
Yeah, he died.
But how are they going to close that casket?
I mean, 'cause-- probably 'cause of his erection, I would think.
How are they going to close that casket?
That isn't very good, is it?
I don't know.
I didn't write that one.
Plus, a man died.
Yeah, a guy died.
He died.
How are they going to do a joke?
He was a real pioneer.
Make Super Dave laugh!
Super Dave, I just wanted to tell you.
Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of England.
The worst?
Richard the goat f***er.
I don't think he's going to laugh.
It's like watching--
I think he's close.
Hold on.
I think he's close.
It's like watching that golf ball on the edge of it.
I don't understand.
I don't understand any of these.
I don't even understand that they're--
How you could take a segment to end your first show when these ratings are so
important.
And people at home, that guy who wanted to know how to become a comic--
Who, JP?
No, the guy--
The guy who wanted to know how to become a comic.
Oh, from the writer, yeah, yeah.
How can you tell him how to become a comic when you're reading that?
Yeah.
Would you read that at a comic store?
No, I'm ashamed.
I don't think you would, would you?
What's your best joke?
Do it right now.
We're going to close the show on your best joke.
I'm not a comic.
Do it.
You are.
You've done stand-up comedy.
No, I didn't write jokes.
Do it.
I really didn't write jokes.
But you've done stand-up comedy.
What is your--
Yeah, that's why I don't do it anymore.
Would you talk to him after the show?
Yeah.
Because you've got to get this--
Over a drink.
It's got to be more fluid when you talk to him.
He's got to come back and forth.
I know.
That's what I told him before.
I said yes.
You've got to, like, say yes.
Yes and no.
It's got to be like ping pong.
It's always no with him.
It's like ping pong.
I know, but with him it's always no.
With him it's like you hit the--
Nobody can't do that.
He grabs the ping pong ball and throws it up.
What's your best joke?
What's your best joke?
The problem is I don't have any jokes.
I literally have no jokes yet.
Oh, would you say that again?
What is your best joke?
Um, I mean, the punchline is--
It's all right.
It's all right.
The cunt is in the sink.
It's okay.
That's the joke.
That's all I know.
That's all I got.
You just wrecked Adam Egan telling a joke.
The latest Archie comic shows gay character Kevin kissing his boyfriend Devin.
Another barrier will be broken next month when in a dream sequence Jughead will
be show fisting Betty Crocker.
Goddamn, you're illiterate.
It's a show fit.
Oh, you're right.
We'll be shown.
We'll be shown.
They forgot to write the end there.
Listen, whenever someone says, I have a couple irons in the fire, I think, is
one of them a job writing blacksmithing metaphor?
What?
I don't know.
I don't know.
That's funny.
But we're going to end--
Astronomers have discovered three new planets that have an atmosphere conducive
to human life.
And they've discovered one that has an Atmo conducive to hipster life.
Whatever.
I like that one.
Some of the 200 Nigerian schoolgirls kidnapped by extremists in Nigeria have
been forced to marry their kidnappers.
And worse than that, they've been forced to laugh at their husbands' stories
even after hearing them for the umpteenth time.
You know something.
Yeah, I know.
It's very hard to make a joke about those girls who are kidnapped.
I know.
When I hear about those things, that is one of the worst--
It's terrible.
And yet you got a big laugh.
George Clooney's engaged.
The rich and handsome 53-year-old told reporters, it's time for me to settle
down and start officially cheating on a heart-sick and disillusioned spouse.
I don't hear any laughter.
Well.
I love George Clooney so much that he can do no wrong.
He's just one of the good--
I can do a lot of wrongs.
He's just one of the good human beings in the world.
He is, isn't it?
A good name for a dog is Syndrome.
Then when he tries to attack someone, you can yell, "Down Syndrome."
It's not-- I mean, it's-- yeah.
That's like a dog.
It was a little insensitive, I guess.
I don't know if you guys heard about this.
And in the Broadway musical version of the show, after Rocky climbs the steps
of the art museum, he goes inside and spends two hours looking at people.
I know, god damn.
Goes inside and looks at what?
Paintings?
He looks at paintings.
I like that.
That's a good one.
Two women accused of using sorcery have been beheaded in a remote village in
Papua New Guinea.
A team of police rushed to the scene, but were forced to stand by and watch the
victims being decapitated with axes as locals refused to let them come to their
aid.
Norm, if you ever go to a remote village in Papua New Guinea, you're going to
be forced to stand by and watch the victims being decapitated with axes as
locals refused to let them come to their aid.
Norm, if you ever go to a remote village in Papua New Guinea, at all costs,
avoid using sorcery.
I didn't understand any of that.
Maybe you'll have me back.
Everyone stopped listening like three minutes in.
Mondays aren't actually worse than any other day, according to a group of
researchers who've never read a Garfield comic.
Fred?
Workers at a Harvard University library have discovered a book that's bound
with human skin.
Ew.
I know, it's disgusting.
Anyway, they were able to determine that part of the body the skin came from
after the book was grabbed by a sexy librarian and immediately expanded to
three times its size.
Three?
Times its size.
Maybe, maybe if you didn't start there.
Does that mean it was made from a penis?
Yeah, yeah.
Michelle Obama has booked a cameo on the ABC show Nashville.
With this and her appearance on iCarly, I think Michelle is ready to start
appearing in films.
May I suggest my favorite film series, Black Ass F***ers?
You don't hear anymore about Bob Costas' infected eye.
Who is stonewalling this investigation?
I'm thinking about a year I would work on my delivery, but it's just not
working out.
I think the joke is --
You don't hear anymore about Bob Costas' infected eye?
Who's stonewalling this investigation?
He's a consummate amateur.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Adam.
One day in the hopefully not too distant future, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un
is going to hear a loud popping sound, the sound of his head coming out of his
ass.
Adam is very kind of -- Adam is the kindest guest to you so far.
Yeah, by far.
Yeah.
Just in case he's still booking Tempe.
This week I learned by Adam is --
I'll be invited back to the comedy table.
These are always fun.
This week I learned just because I masturbated to that picture of a guy falling
to his death on 9/11 doesn't mean I have to share it.
This week I learned you can pay your desk with blowjobs.
Who knew that, right?
Well, I found out this week.
But you won't feel it because of the Novocaine.
Ah.
All right.
I learned two things.
Yeah.
Two things.
Is that easier?
Uh, this week I learned that cum tastes like nickels.
Oh.
This week?
Is that true?
That cum tastes like nickels?
Yeah.
That's funny.
You know what it says?
That's what it says.
This week I learned how many gallons of sweat my Kmart hat can hold.
Jesus Christ.
We'll be back with the ever funny Adam Egan.
Okay, get ready to laugh.
Why is it so different to find pornography about people in stable monogamous
relationships?
Why is it so what?
Different.
Different?
Difficult!
Oh, damn.
Start all over and the joke still works.
Oh, my God.
Earlier this week, Aaron Jackson of Topeka, Kansas, painted his house the
colors of the gay pride rainbow flag in direct protest of the Westboro Baptist
Church.
When that didn't seem to work, Jackson fucked three of his best buds on his
front lawn.
Homophobic.
Yeah.
Well, I think it shows solidarity.
I mean, earlier he was racist and now he's homophobic.
Yeah.
Well, I think of this.
Former Tennessee Titans cheerleader, Elizabeth Lee Garner, 42, is accused of
pulling a 12-year-old boy's pants off and offering immoral sex.
The boy refused her advances not because he was 12 but because he was a die-hard
Colts fan.
This is what I have to work with, you know?
Chipotle has canceled its planned sponsorship of the Utah Boy Scout event due
to the BSA's ban on gay leaders and scouts.
Ironic.
How an all-male anti-gay organization would want to put hot, thick loads of
beef and sour cream in the mouth.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
We get the idea.
You hate gay guys.
So, I'm a guest down there and now it's time to introduce the next guest.
And she says, "Okay, this next guy coming out, he's a great actor.
He was in Risky Business.
He's done all kinds of stuff.
I just love him.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Pantaleone."
And he comes out and as he's walking across the stage toward the desk, she goes,
"Oh, I know who he is."
He said during Roseanne's talk show.
Roseanne had a talk show.
Remember that?
Oh, yes, yes.
So, one time the guest was Joe Pantaleone and she didn't know who he was.
Oh, you f***ed it up.
God damn it.
Oh, God.
Let her f*** up.
You don't even have your own stories.
You take other people's stories and f*** them up.
I know that in this day nobody's gonna change.
You won't ever leave.
On my mind again.
I'm still not tired of it.
Can't make you want me.
And I may act okay.
Say things will stay the same.
Say I'm all I need.
If you're walking down the sidewalk and there's somebody coming the other way
in a wheelchair.
Yeah.
Do you have a look or do you -- so, "Oh, no, I'm gonna act normal."
Well, I try to -- I look at the guy and I hope to God my face isn't making all
kinds of twitches.
I like to hedge my bets.
I don't want to ignore him.
So, I'll look at him, but I'll, like, scowl or something.
Really?
Yeah.
Same joke.
Oh, is that?
Yeah.
What was your joke?
Uh --
You had one joke?
I know.
It was so ridiculous.
It was stupid.
What was it?
Oh, God, man.
It was something like, "Don't take a shot from a girl at a bar because it looks
-- it's never good."
I think the punchline was, "Is this a Care Bear cum shot or something?"
It was really ridiculous.