Name: Funniest Canadian of all Time
Uploaded: 2023-12-01T16:12:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Funniest Canadian of all Time' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Funniest Canadian of all Time' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-01. Transcript available.

Let's talk about you. Now, let me ask you something.
Another guy from Canada has come and invaded show business here in the United
States.
With an acerbic wit.
So many funny guys come out of Canada.
What is it about Canada that produces all these comedians?
What do you think it is?
I don't know, because when I'm in Canada, no one's funny.
You think it's the long, dark, cold winters that you just have to find
something to laugh about?
Yeah, we don't have dark winters. We don't live in the Arctic Circle.
But they're long, aren't they?
They're long and cold, and they're cold.
And really cold.
Yeah, they're cold.
So when you're a kid up in Canada...
I don't want to find a point on it, but they're cold.
And you said this is the coldest you've ever been.
You're Canadian, so are you okay with this?
I've been colder than this.
I've been colder than vampires.
Go on.
That's like an 8 a.m. joke.
No, yeah, we can do it at 7.19.
The stage is yours.
Are you drunk?
Because all you did was ride a cooler, and you're sweating.
I am.
Well, no, it's hotter than a $2 pistol in here.
Well, he's got like 12 layers on it, I think.
Yeah, I thought it was going to be really cold.
Why are you from Canada?
This should be like, this should be springtime for you.
No, I know.
I'm from Canada, but, you know, I'm still a human being.
It's not like you've really evolved differently.
I'm from the frozen north.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it gets colder than a...
It gets colder than a...
Uh-oh, here it comes.
Here it comes.
Get your finger on the panic button.
No, I think it gets colder than a vampire's demeanor.
Okay, that's better.
Wow.
Surprisingly cerebral.
Well, let me ask you something.
Now, I knew you when you started here in L.A., but you're from Canada.
Yeah.
You started in Canada.
I did some gigs in Canada, and it's a little different, isn't it?
It's kind of rough there, because they got like a lot of people that like hate
me.
Oh, well, that could be a disadvantage.
That's rough going in.
But, like, it was all like, you go to these crazy places like Medicine Hat or
Red Deer.
Yeah, yeah.
Or I played in one place, Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump.
It was a crazy place.
Yeah.
And you know how I got his name?
It was a guy in the old days, the buffalo used to run, open in the plains.
It was beautiful, you know?
Way back in the 70s.
And they would run.
And so the way they'd catch them is, Jay, they'd dig a hole with a shovel.
Right.
Dig a hole.
Yeah, I got you.
And then they'd dig the hole with the shovel, and then the buffalo, they're
dumb animals.
They just run, you know?
And run and run and run, and then fall into the hole, right?
So one time this Indian dude, a brave, you know, he was digging the hole, and
he didn't hear all the buffaloes were already running.
And then all the buffaloes fell on his head and smashed it in.
So then they called the town, Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump.
It's a very unwieldy name.
Really unwieldy name.
And you played gigs there?
I mean, what were the audiences like?
They were horrible.
Man, they hated my guts.
Yeah.
One time I kissed Relic.
From the beachcombers?
Yeah.
Were you on a ferry?
No, that Indian guy from the show gave me some bad heroin.
That's not true.
No.
You made that.
I mean, I didn't make that part up, but I did have a long kiss with Relic.
For a show or just a party?
Yeah, no.
I was supposed to be on the beachcombers.
Right.
That would have been awesome.
With Jackson Davies, too?
Yeah.
And it turns out I was never going to be on the beachcombers, and I was just
going to
be in Relic's hotel room.
Were you in Vancouver?
Yeah, I was in Vancouver, and I'm like, this is going to be the greatest.
I'm going to be, I was supposed to be like the new breed of the beachcomber and
everything.
That's what Relic said.
So this is a next generation beachcomber thing?
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
Beachcomber, the next generation.
Relic was supposed to be the executive producer, and he'd make occasional
appearances.
This is what he told me in his hotel room.
Come on.
This didn't happen.
No, it didn't happen.
Okay.
I've got to read this book.
Sean.
Hey, I should put that in the book.
You should.
I know there's a couple generations maybe between you two as comedians looking
at...
A couple?
Watching Norm over the years and some of the characters, what's it like being
alongside one of the best?
Oh, it's great.
I mean, I love dirty work, and I love Saturday Night Live, and then I worked
with Norm.
He was my boss, my first boss in Los Angeles.
Yeah, Sean's awesome, man.
Future of comedy.
If you show this clip like 10, 20 years from now, you're going to go, who's
that old guy talking about?
Who the hell is Relic?
Oh, I love that story.
He'll be like Relic, and he'll be like me, like 20 years.
When you look at this in the fall.
In Canada, it's different.
Like, here in the States, you vote for the president.
Maybe you vote for the wrong guy.
A war happens.
Right.
In Canada, it's not like that.
You go, like, what's the big thing?
It's a...
Should they build...
Make that bridge?
Right.
That's the biggest...
Yeah.
So it doesn't really matter.
So it's, you know...
It's too much pressure.
It's very inconsequential, Canada.
Yeah.
Last time I performed here at the Just for Laughs Gala was 25 years ago, and I
did so well, they invited me back.
So that was nice.
I love Montreal, my God, you know, and call me an eternal optimist, you know,
but I really believe in my heart that this is the year that the Expos are
finally going to win it all.
Montreal, famous for a lot of things, you know, one of them being the greatest
strip clubs in all of the world.
Yeah.
Last night, are you...
Are you...
Are you...
Are you...
Are you...
Are you...
Club Super Sex?
Yeah.
So last night I went to, uh, Club Super Sex.
Uh, I chose the soup.
Big mistake.
Hey, big election coming up, and, uh, in Canada, this is the difference in
elections in America and Canada, is elections in America mean something.
You vote for the wrong motherfucker, the world blows up.
I don't need that on my hands.
Whereas, Canada, you know, what's the, uh, it's always like, uh, well, what's
the, what's your view on the bridge?
I say, keep as it is.
I don't think they need to clean that up.
That's fine.
It was easy when I was young, uh, to vote because it was simply, uh, you know,
you just didn't vote for the French guy.
It couldn't have been an easier choice.
As a matter of fact, I almost feel like coming back this fall, uh, just as an
homage to my late father and, uh, not vote for Trudeau.
My dad did not like Trudeau.
Trudeau was my hero, though.
I loved him, you know.
And, uh, since I've come back, I've been watching the news and everything, I've
been seeing Justin, you know.
And, uh, I thought, by God, you know, this Justin kid, he must be brilliant
because his father was, was Pierre Elliott Trudeau.
But then I forgot, he's got a mother.
So that's kind of, kind of evens everything out.
You know, uh, uh, what's also different in America and Canadian election?
In America, you get to vote for the President of the United States, and in
Canada, you vote for some motherfucker who lived down the street.
And you're riding.
Whatever the hell that is.
So then, that guy, he goes to the House of Parliament, you know, and he's like,
oh, wow, this is big.
And, uh, and then the Speaker's like, all right, well, what are we going to
talk about?
Anybody want to bring an issue?
And then your guy's like, yeah, I just, uh, uh, our bridge ain't looking too
good.
And the Speaker's like, what the fuck are you talking about?
I go, nah, I'll sit down.
Sorry about that, I just.
I was at a party with a friend until I noticed you first.
And you returned my gaze, knew how to crush my thirst.
You took me to that room like a dream come true.
The dance you performed was just for me and you.
Kisses on the neck, then you work your way down.
Let yourself go for me all around town.
Seductively stood before me, but it feels so good.
Thank you and good evening.
I'm Norm MacDonald.
I could not be more excited to be here.
You know, when I was asked to host the Canadian Screen Awards, I called my good
friend Chris Rock.
And I said to him, I've got some great news, Chris.
I'm going to Canada.
And he said, I've got some great news, too.
I'm hosting the Oscars.
What are you doing in Canada?
And I said, you know, I'm visiting some family, friends.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
The cross-cutting location scouts call it New York City.
Never has there been such an assembly of great Canadian talent
in a single location that did not have to be zambonied first.
Tonight, the CSAs are being seen in over 50 countries.
Isn't that exciting?
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
Wait, wait.
I misread that.
50 counties.
And a couple of regional municipalities.
We are here to celebrate nominees for their wonderful work
in Canadian cinema and television,
which is a lot like celebrating the Northern Lights.
You probably haven't seen them, but you've heard they're amazing.
We have a lot to celebrate in our industry.
Amongst the TV shows nominated tonight are Amazing Race Canada.
Big Brother Canada.
Big Brother Canada.
Master Chef Canada.
Where do they come up with these ideas?
I --
But it's been a wonderful year for Canada.
It's been an especially great year for one little guy.
One adorable little Canadian youngster who's already accomplished so much.
Of course, you know who I'm talking about.
Justin Trudeau.
Hasn't he had a wonderful year?
It's been a busy weekend getting here.
We lost an hour.
As you know, daylight savings time went into effect last night.
Ha!
I give it six months.
Well, we're going to start the show.
But, you know, I was --
It hasn't started yet.
You didn't know.
I saw a wild look of alarm cross your eyes.
But I was backstage yesterday,
and I was -- we were doing rehearsals,
and I asked, "What is the statuette called?"
And they said, "It's called the Canadian Screen Award."
And I said, "Well, that seems kind of dull.
Like, what -- that's the name of the award?"
And they said, "Well, we've been bandying around different names."
And -- but none of, you know --
They said, "In Canada, it takes a long time
to get stuff done and stuff."
But one of them that they said --
One of them they mentioned was "The Candy."
And I think John Candy?
I mean, who doesn't love John Candy?
So, of course -- of course the statuette should be called "The Candy."
So what I'm asking you to do is, if you are a presenter,
ignore the teleprompter and say, "The candy goes, too."
And if you are lucky enough to win one, go, "I won a candy!"
What do you think of that? Can you go along with that?
Excellent. That would make us a better nation.
I am not here to upbraid.
However, I think I made it quite clear
that these awards should be referred to --
-- as "The Candies."
A nine-year-old child knew.
Are you so burdened to this preposterous technology?
So I would like not to see that again.
You know, backstage I was thinking how different things are
since I moved to the United States.
You know, now I'm in the United States.
One thing I've noticed about films --
I don't like foreign films anymore.
You know?
They're all, like, artsy, kind of --
Not my cup of tea.
But when I grew up in Ottawa, by God, I loved foreign films.
You know, "Star Wars," "Smokey and the Bandit."
Do you remember that one?
Here to present our next award, "The Candy."
And this will be the end of my upbraiding.
I hope.
George St. Kitts and "The Candy Band."
Who can take a sunrise.
Come on, guys.
Sprinkle it when they can't --
Well, whatever.
Well, our next presenters are political people.
And it made me think, because I was just told --
Cape Breton Island -- I don't know if you know this --
But they are offering sanctuary to anyone that lives in America
after Trump is elected president by a landslide.
And I agree with this in principle.
But why Cape Breton Island?
I mean, can't I --
Can't I just flee to Toronto?
Do I have to leave the fucking planet?
I mean --
Or I just go to Baffin Island while I'm at it.
All right.
Now, welcome to the stage, "Two Candies."
Oh, the candies are going great so far, aren't they?
I would like to say to -- to Eugene Levy that there's no reason
to be ashamed of your son.
My son only this morning punched me in the chest really hard.
Listen, I have some good news.
I just found out that all of you here tonight
will be getting a swag bag.
Just like the Oscars.
I haven't seen one yet.
But why don't we take a look and see what you're getting?
I'm going to call Megan, our golden girl, out.
Megan, our golden girl?
Hi, Megan.
Come on out here.
Ah, you brought the -- the swag bag.
Yes.
Can you hold it open?
And then I will -- I'll take things out of the swag bag.
What do we have here?
A loose pancake.
What else we got here, Megan?
We got -- oh, oh, this is -- this looks cool.
It's a CD -- you know what they are --
of Nelly Furtado singing all the national anthems.
Torn from today's headlines.
See what else we have.
Oh, we have this.
Ah, yes.
This.
This is a bottle of Eau de John Cherry Cologne.
It's for the gentlemen in the audience.
Now, what else do we have?
Hopefully something a little funnier than the last one.
Here.
We have a 30-minute massage from producer Robert Lantos.
Don't try to go for 50.
You only can hit 30.
Now, what else do we have here?
Oh, a curling stone.
You know what these are made of?
I always took them for granite.
Last time I take a joke from Martin Short.
All right.
Megan, just do some housecleaning here.
I want a hand for Megan, our Golden Globe.
Natural mistake.
All right, all right.
Listen, guys.
For some reason, I've been told to stretch.
So...
I've never tried that before.
The show's over, folks.
Good night.
But for the first candies, respect.
Peace.

Funniest Canadian of all Time

Let's talk about you. Now, let me ask you something.
Another guy from Canada has come and invaded show business here in the United
States.
With an acerbic wit.
So many funny guys come out of Canada.
What is it about Canada that produces all these comedians?
What do you think it is?
I don't know, because when I'm in Canada, no one's funny.
You think it's the long, dark, cold winters that you just have to find
something to laugh about?
Yeah, we don't have dark winters. We don't live in the Arctic Circle.
But they're long, aren't they?
They're long and cold, and they're cold.
And really cold.
Yeah, they're cold.
So when you're a kid up in Canada...
I don't want to find a point on it, but they're cold.
And you said this is the coldest you've ever been.
You're Canadian, so are you okay with this?
I've been colder than this.
I've been colder than vampires.
Go on.
That's like an 8 a.m. joke.
No, yeah, we can do it at 7.19.
The stage is yours.
Are you drunk?
Because all you did was ride a cooler, and you're sweating.
I am.
Well, no, it's hotter than a $2 pistol in here.
Well, he's got like 12 layers on it, I think.
Yeah, I thought it was going to be really cold.
Why are you from Canada?
This should be like, this should be springtime for you.
No, I know.
I'm from Canada, but, you know, I'm still a human being.
It's not like you've really evolved differently.
I'm from the frozen north.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it gets colder than a...
It gets colder than a...
Uh-oh, here it comes.
Here it comes.
Get your finger on the panic button.
No, I think it gets colder than a vampire's demeanor.
Okay, that's better.
Wow.
Surprisingly cerebral.
Well, let me ask you something.
Now, I knew you when you started here in L.A., but you're from Canada.
Yeah.
You started in Canada.
I did some gigs in Canada, and it's a little different, isn't it?
It's kind of rough there, because they got like a lot of people that like hate
me.
Oh, well, that could be a disadvantage.
That's rough going in.
But, like, it was all like, you go to these crazy places like Medicine Hat or
Red Deer.
Yeah, yeah.
Or I played in one place, Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump.
It was a crazy place.
Yeah.
And you know how I got his name?
It was a guy in the old days, the buffalo used to run, open in the plains.
It was beautiful, you know?
Way back in the 70s.
And they would run.
And so the way they'd catch them is, Jay, they'd dig a hole with a shovel.
Right.
Dig a hole.
Yeah, I got you.
And then they'd dig the hole with the shovel, and then the buffalo, they're
dumb animals.
They just run, you know?
And run and run and run, and then fall into the hole, right?
So one time this Indian dude, a brave, you know, he was digging the hole, and
he didn't hear all the buffaloes were already running.
And then all the buffaloes fell on his head and smashed it in.
So then they called the town, Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump.
It's a very unwieldy name.
Really unwieldy name.
And you played gigs there?
I mean, what were the audiences like?
They were horrible.
Man, they hated my guts.
Yeah.
One time I kissed Relic.
From the beachcombers?
Yeah.
Were you on a ferry?
No, that Indian guy from the show gave me some bad heroin.
That's not true.
No.
You made that.
I mean, I didn't make that part up, but I did have a long kiss with Relic.
For a show or just a party?
Yeah, no.
I was supposed to be on the beachcombers.
Right.
That would have been awesome.
With Jackson Davies, too?
Yeah.
And it turns out I was never going to be on the beachcombers, and I was just
going to
be in Relic's hotel room.
Were you in Vancouver?
Yeah, I was in Vancouver, and I'm like, this is going to be the greatest.
I'm going to be, I was supposed to be like the new breed of the beachcomber and
everything.
That's what Relic said.
So this is a next generation beachcomber thing?
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
Beachcomber, the next generation.
Relic was supposed to be the executive producer, and he'd make occasional
appearances.
This is what he told me in his hotel room.
Come on.
This didn't happen.
No, it didn't happen.
Okay.
I've got to read this book.
Sean.
Hey, I should put that in the book.
You should.
I know there's a couple generations maybe between you two as comedians looking
at...
A couple?
Watching Norm over the years and some of the characters, what's it like being
alongside one of the best?
Oh, it's great.
I mean, I love dirty work, and I love Saturday Night Live, and then I worked
with Norm.
He was my boss, my first boss in Los Angeles.
Yeah, Sean's awesome, man.
Future of comedy.
If you show this clip like 10, 20 years from now, you're going to go, who's
that old guy talking about?
Who the hell is Relic?
Oh, I love that story.
He'll be like Relic, and he'll be like me, like 20 years.
When you look at this in the fall.
In Canada, it's different.
Like, here in the States, you vote for the president.
Maybe you vote for the wrong guy.
A war happens.
Right.
In Canada, it's not like that.
You go, like, what's the big thing?
It's a...
Should they build...
Make that bridge?
Right.
That's the biggest...
Yeah.
So it doesn't really matter.
So it's, you know...
It's too much pressure.
It's very inconsequential, Canada.
Yeah.
Last time I performed here at the Just for Laughs Gala was 25 years ago, and I
did so well, they invited me back.
So that was nice.
I love Montreal, my God, you know, and call me an eternal optimist, you know,
but I really believe in my heart that this is the year that the Expos are
finally going to win it all.
Montreal, famous for a lot of things, you know, one of them being the greatest
strip clubs in all of the world.
Yeah.
Last night, are you...
Are you...
Are you...
Are you...
Are you...
Are you...
Club Super Sex?
Yeah.
So last night I went to, uh, Club Super Sex.
Uh, I chose the soup.
Big mistake.
Hey, big election coming up, and, uh, in Canada, this is the difference in
elections in America and Canada, is elections in America mean something.
You vote for the wrong motherfucker, the world blows up.
I don't need that on my hands.
Whereas, Canada, you know, what's the, uh, it's always like, uh, well, what's
the, what's your view on the bridge?
I say, keep as it is.
I don't think they need to clean that up.
That's fine.
It was easy when I was young, uh, to vote because it was simply, uh, you know,
you just didn't vote for the French guy.
It couldn't have been an easier choice.
As a matter of fact, I almost feel like coming back this fall, uh, just as an
homage to my late father and, uh, not vote for Trudeau.
My dad did not like Trudeau.
Trudeau was my hero, though.
I loved him, you know.
And, uh, since I've come back, I've been watching the news and everything, I've
been seeing Justin, you know.
And, uh, I thought, by God, you know, this Justin kid, he must be brilliant
because his father was, was Pierre Elliott Trudeau.
But then I forgot, he's got a mother.
So that's kind of, kind of evens everything out.
You know, uh, uh, what's also different in America and Canadian election?
In America, you get to vote for the President of the United States, and in
Canada, you vote for some motherfucker who lived down the street.
And you're riding.
Whatever the hell that is.
So then, that guy, he goes to the House of Parliament, you know, and he's like,
oh, wow, this is big.
And, uh, and then the Speaker's like, all right, well, what are we going to
talk about?
Anybody want to bring an issue?
And then your guy's like, yeah, I just, uh, uh, our bridge ain't looking too
good.
And the Speaker's like, what the fuck are you talking about?
I go, nah, I'll sit down.
Sorry about that, I just.
I was at a party with a friend until I noticed you first.
And you returned my gaze, knew how to crush my thirst.
You took me to that room like a dream come true.
The dance you performed was just for me and you.
Kisses on the neck, then you work your way down.
Let yourself go for me all around town.
Seductively stood before me, but it feels so good.
Thank you and good evening.
I'm Norm MacDonald.
I could not be more excited to be here.
You know, when I was asked to host the Canadian Screen Awards, I called my good
friend Chris Rock.
And I said to him, I've got some great news, Chris.
I'm going to Canada.
And he said, I've got some great news, too.
I'm hosting the Oscars.
What are you doing in Canada?
And I said, you know, I'm visiting some family, friends.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
I said, you know, I'm going to Canada.
The cross-cutting location scouts call it New York City.
Never has there been such an assembly of great Canadian talent
in a single location that did not have to be zambonied first.
Tonight, the CSAs are being seen in over 50 countries.
Isn't that exciting?
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
Wait, wait.
I misread that.
50 counties.
And a couple of regional municipalities.
We are here to celebrate nominees for their wonderful work
in Canadian cinema and television,
which is a lot like celebrating the Northern Lights.
You probably haven't seen them, but you've heard they're amazing.
We have a lot to celebrate in our industry.
Amongst the TV shows nominated tonight are Amazing Race Canada.
Big Brother Canada.
Big Brother Canada.
Master Chef Canada.
Where do they come up with these ideas?
I --
But it's been a wonderful year for Canada.
It's been an especially great year for one little guy.
One adorable little Canadian youngster who's already accomplished so much.
Of course, you know who I'm talking about.
Justin Trudeau.
Hasn't he had a wonderful year?
It's been a busy weekend getting here.
We lost an hour.
As you know, daylight savings time went into effect last night.
Ha!
I give it six months.
Well, we're going to start the show.
But, you know, I was --
It hasn't started yet.
You didn't know.
I saw a wild look of alarm cross your eyes.
But I was backstage yesterday,
and I was -- we were doing rehearsals,
and I asked, "What is the statuette called?"
And they said, "It's called the Canadian Screen Award."
And I said, "Well, that seems kind of dull.
Like, what -- that's the name of the award?"
And they said, "Well, we've been bandying around different names."
And -- but none of, you know --
They said, "In Canada, it takes a long time
to get stuff done and stuff."
But one of them that they said --
One of them they mentioned was "The Candy."
And I think John Candy?
I mean, who doesn't love John Candy?
So, of course -- of course the statuette should be called "The Candy."
So what I'm asking you to do is, if you are a presenter,
ignore the teleprompter and say, "The candy goes, too."
And if you are lucky enough to win one, go, "I won a candy!"
What do you think of that? Can you go along with that?
Excellent. That would make us a better nation.
I am not here to upbraid.
However, I think I made it quite clear
that these awards should be referred to --
-- as "The Candies."
A nine-year-old child knew.
Are you so burdened to this preposterous technology?
So I would like not to see that again.
You know, backstage I was thinking how different things are
since I moved to the United States.
You know, now I'm in the United States.
One thing I've noticed about films --
I don't like foreign films anymore.
You know?
They're all, like, artsy, kind of --
Not my cup of tea.
But when I grew up in Ottawa, by God, I loved foreign films.
You know, "Star Wars," "Smokey and the Bandit."
Do you remember that one?
Here to present our next award, "The Candy."
And this will be the end of my upbraiding.
I hope.
George St. Kitts and "The Candy Band."
Who can take a sunrise.
Come on, guys.
Sprinkle it when they can