Name: ZERO F GIVEN
Uploaded: 2024-09-13T16:14:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ZERO F GIVEN' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ZERO F GIVEN' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-13. Transcript available.

So you go from there, look, all the way around.
Yeah.
Seven minutes of audio will play for this whole hour.
All the way there.
Once you've gone all the way around.
Conan, pay attention, please.
Watch.
Yeah, all right, I'm over here.
I got my own orange going.
All the way around, so I'll take off the skin.
Man, you're not teaching me.
You're just showing up.
Nothing but making out.
All right.
It's like nine and a half weeks, but carrot top.
We were doing...
Wow!
I gotta check out that movie.
Is it called Nine and a Half Seconds?
Fucking premature jacking right there.
We got him, you know?
This is an exciting day here at 30 Rock.
You know, the Rosie O'Donnell show premiered today.
And I was in, it's tapes at the same floor as Saturday Night Live on 8H.
All flowers, they're sent by, like, there's one from Madonna, one from
Elizabeth Taylor,
Regis and Kathy Lee.
I've never seen so many flowers, it was...
I didn't even realize you could eat flowers.
I didn't even know that.
Do you have a hero?
Uh, Norman Fowler from Three's Company.
That's your hero?
Yeah.
Mr. Roper.
Yeah.
I don't know, Mr. Roper.
Yeah.
That's not a good hero.
That's all I got.
Better than this guy's hero is some gay porn actor.
Anyway.
What are you talking?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm saying.
No, no.
What are you saying?
What's the movie going to be called?
Really?
I know what it's going to be called.
Yeah, what's that?
If it's got Carrot Top in it, you know what a good name for it would be?
What's that, Norm?
Box Office Poison.
And they have chills.
She's in it.
What about my career?
Courtney Thorne Smith, the girl sitting to your left, is in the movie.
I'm going to go see it for fun.
Now from there, take your back.
All right.
Okay, now we'll do one each, okay?
Why would you become a cook?
Come on, Norm, keep it together.
Okay.
It's not that bad.
That's a big point.
Okay, all right.
The word chef.
Chef, I'm sorry, chef.
You're right.
Ladies cook.
We dated a guy once.
Well, we dated and we broke up.
And to get back together, he gave me like this little G-string outfit.
You know, like this little, and I was like, wait a minute.
That's for you.
That's not for me.
So stuff like that is not good.
Another guy gave me a keychain.
I was going to bring it out, but I couldn't get it off of my keys,
so I left in the backstage, but he gave me a keychain.
Why did you bring out the G-string?
Let me tell you, gay porn all the time?
It's cut to a single.
Just of norm, really.
No, gay porn.
I enjoy gay porn.
I'm not gay.
Gay porn is a genre that just cuts across all demographics.
Young people, old people, straight people, the gay people enjoy it.
Everybody likes gay porn.
But this guy really likes it.
There's this movie coming out.
Yes.
Title undetermined at this point.
Chairman of the board.
Oh.
All right.
Do something with that, you freak.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
A-Gui-O-R-E-D-O-R-E-D.
Now, from there, now watch carefully.
A bit of seasoning.
Okay?
Whoa, okay.
Norm, you're making me feel dizzy
standing there looking busy.
Right, here we go.
This is cool.
I was having one day, man.
I'm not eating this.
This is a f***ing meal.
Stop, man.
You're even tasting the meal.
We're even having a cooking segment at this point.
Why would they even do your cooking segment?
Let's ruin my reputation, you know.
Just in passing.
This guy is not gay.
If anybody's not gay, it's this guy.
Oh, I'm so...
Seriously.
I am so totally straight.
Oh, yeah.
No, you're wrong.
Oh, I love the ladies.
No, he does.
No, he likes girls.
He likes girls.
You're writing a book.
Yes.
How to be a model.
Yes.
The complete idiot's guide to getting into modeling.
So, like, rule number one,
be incredibly beautiful.
Right.
I mean, what other things that you can do?
I have rule number two.
Yeah.
Don't be a midget.
Stop it.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right, all right.
A very bad fallout to X Games in January.
It frightened a lot of people.
And let's take a look at that clip right now.
Let's watch her open this run up right here.
It'll be another big 900.
Oh, God.
Wowzers.
Wow.
I...
Yeah, that's what you...
That is tough to watch.
You don't want to do that.
No, don't do that.
It actually looks easy.
Well, it is finally official.
Murder is legal in the state of California.
A down-and-out O.J. Simpson,
depressed that all of his money-making ideas have failed,
has decided to go back to doing what he does best,
killing people.
A new book claims that Madonna once smeared peanut butter
all over John F. Kennedy Jr.'s body
and then licked it up.
Which just goes to show you,
Madonna's a whore.
And finally,
Weekend Update would like to congratulate Madonna,
who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday.
The baby weighed in at 6 pounds, 9 ounces,
making it the fourth-largest object
ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal.
This week,
in a secret ceremony in Australia,
Michael Jackson was married for the second time.
Asked what makes his new bride special,
the King of Pop said,
quote,
She has taught me about the power of imagination,
like imagining that a grown woman
is a ten-year-old boy.
Okay.
You know he's a homosexual pedophile, right?
You understand?
Sources report that Michael Jackson's baby
is due February 27th,
and it's going to be named Michael Jackson Jr.
Michael plans to be with the mother
during the delivery.
In his words,
to make up for not being there for the country...
Sources report that Michael Jackson's baby
is due February 27th.
It's conception.
The last word was conception, so...
Safer drivers, men or women?
Well, according to a new survey,
55% of adults feel that women
are most responsible
for minor fender benders,
while 78% blame men
for most fatal crashes.
Please note that the percentage
in these pie graphs
do not add up to 100%
because the math was done by a woman.
For those of you hissing at that joke,
it should be noted
that that joke was written by a woman.
So, now you don't know
what the hell to do, man.
No, I'm just kidding.
We don't hire women.
I came in,
and he was supposed to be
my guide through SNL,
and it turned out
that he is a shit-stirrer.
I'm not going to guide
any lady through comedy.
That would take me...
First of all,
I'd have to figure out
how a lady could do comedy.
Last week,
at a dramatic press conference
about the crash
of TWA Flight 800,
ABC News correspondent
Pierre Salinger
displayed a document
which he believes
is proof
that the jet
was shot down
by a U.S. Navy missile.
Later,
he proudly showed reporters
his solid gold Rolex
that he bought on the street
for just $15.
That's one ugly bastard,
isn't it?
Yeah, he is.
Here we see the president
and the first bitch.
Gosh,
Hillary looks pretty
in this photo here,
doesn't she?
I never realized
there's such a looker
until I see her here
in this picture.
In Whitewater News,
federal regulators
quizzed Hillary Clinton
at the White House
this week
and gave her
a perfect score
on the lying section.
She's a dirty liar.
You know,
of course,
they say the White House
is haunted.
Did you know that?
And I thought
this was kind of sad.
I heard last night
that President Clinton
charged Abraham Lincoln's
ghost 10,000
to sleep in his own bed.
So that's...
That doesn't seem right
to me, you know?
I mean...
But look,
the president,
you know,
has come under
a lot of fire
for raising money,
but you know,
you know,
he's good at it.
He's good at raising money.
That's not a bad thing.
Every president's done it.
It's just that
President Clinton
is very, very,
very good at it.
Do you know
he has organized
in the past year
over 100 fundraising dinners
and over 200 fundraising
midnight snacks?
Did you know that?
Is he laughing?
Is he...
Is he...
This one says,
remember the old days
when tweeting
meant stabbing a hooker?
Bob liked that one.
Super Dave.
Why is there an app
for everything
except how to rape a baby?
Jesus.
In just two weeks,
Mike Tyson's
main event app
has become
a top seller
on iPhones
and iPads everywhere.
There are already plans
as a matter of fact
to...
Hold on.
Folks,
we have some breaking news
to report here.
This,
just off the wire,
Reuter News
is reporting now
that the Mike Tyson app
has just raped
another app.
Once again,
and we cannot confirm this,
but reports
are flooding out
of Arizona this evening
that the Mike Tyson app
has, quote,
viciously raped
another app.
More on this
as it develops.
Some gold-plated chains
would make a nice
retirement gift
for a very,
very good slave.
Are you serious?
Well, this was written...
Are you serious?
This was written years ago.
Did you just write that?
I didn't write it.
Did you just say that?
No, I read it.