Name: Norm Macdonald Destroyed a Yapping Teacher
Uploaded: 2024-09-16T12:49:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Destroyed a Yapping Teacher' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Destroyed a Yapping Teacher' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-16. Transcript available.

If I could tell you one thing about the real heroes of the country, which I
believe are the teachers, you know?
I don't really, I don't believe they're the real heroes.
I misspoke again.
I actually, I think the real heroes are the real heroes.
Teachers, they get good press because people often say to me, "You know who the
real heroes are?"
I go, "Are they the real heroes?" They go, "No." I go, "Oh, they're the
teachers."
It's counter-intuitive that it doesn't seem like a heroic job, but yes.
First of all, if you're a teacher, you get the same fucking vacations as a
child.
I get four months a year off.
My vacation? I get almost no time off, but we're 48 weeks a year.
Four weeks a year I get off.
What about you?
You're not one of those fucking teachers, right?
You seem like a teacher.
You're not here to teach it?
Great.
What do you teach? What grade?
High school.
What grade? What grade? What grade?
No, but what grade?
Not so easy when it's the other way around.
It's not as easy to ask the questions.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
What grade do you teach?
9 or 12.
So you need a grade 13 education.
No, you're the real heroes.
No, you're the real heroes.
No, I'm just kidding.
You're the real heroes.
The real heroes are the fucking students.
You're not the real heroes.
Shut the fuck up.
I know, it's a fun thing to say.
But what do you do?
What do you do for a living that your wife is the real heroes?
What?
You know you're not the actual real hero, don't you?
You look obsessed.
You look obsessed.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
You're the real heroes.
I'm just kidding.
You're the real heroes.
I'm just kidding.
You're the real heroes.
You're not the real heroes.
Shut the fuck up.
I know, it's a fun thing to say.
But what do you do?
What do you do for a living that your wife is the real heroes?
What?
You know you're not the actual real heroes, don't you?
You look obsessed.
Didn't you see how obsessed she is?
So you actually feel you're the real hero.
See, I think you've described yourself a little.
Because I believe real heroes don't think they are.
She says, when you hear the real heroes, they go,
"How the fuck did you run into that fucking fire and pull a guy out?
I am.
You're a hero."
And they go, "Now it's the teachers."
Not me.
I'm a little scared now.
I've got to go right now.
I've got to pull the guy out of a fire.
That's a good job.
Come on.
Everybody's shorter than you at the university.
They have to do whatever the fuck you said.
No, I'm sure.
What did you do?
What?
What?
I've never called you a retard.
Oh.
That's an odd word for a school teacher.
I did nothing.
People that were teaching are young children.
They're banging around words like retard.
I'm just kidding.
Now they do a lot of good.
You know what I read actually though?
a serious suggestion?
they actually fought for a school teacher.
They actually fought for a school teacher.
They made a lot of good.
You know what I read actually though?
A serious suggestion?
They actually fought more students than...
...
...
Priests.
You know how priests?
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
Nobody likes priests.
They're the real heroes.
And yet, actual priests, who I know, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not a Catholic, but
I know pastors, you know.
And my God, most of them that I know do the Lord's work, you know, I mean, they
go out.
And they're in hospitals and stuff.
And they're doing stuff.
And for no money, you know.
And no recognition.
And it's gotta kill them, like, going, yeah, people think, uh, fuck kids.
Like, if I was a priest, man, I'd just let them, you know.
Like, I'd do a TV commercial.
I'd go, hey, listen, I'm Father Norm here.
Run out of my church.
I won't fuck your kid.
I'll tell you what.
That's the first thing, I promise you.
I'll tell you a little something by myself.
I'm Father Norm, as I told you.
20 years or so ago, I took a vow of chastity.
Now, what that means is, I cannot have sex with a lady, you know.
Now, that's tough, 'cause I like ladies.
And especially the ones, you ever see those ones where they, uh, press their tits
together,
kind of, they got a little pleaded show, but they look kind of hoary, but it
looks like they don't know they're whores.
Anyway, that's my type.
Everybody has their own type.
The point is, I don't even fuck them, let alone a child for that state.
Why would I want to fuck a child?
So, anyways, but now the Father Norms.
And I will not fuck your kid.
And you can leave your big-tid whore wife at home.
I don't need that fucking woman hanging around and taking questions all the
time.
It's a little chunky.
You gotta remember, though, the guy that put that flag in the Iwo Jima, he's
close.
Look at that guy that went to the moon.
He didn't know that when he got there, the fucking spacecraft would crash,
or there'd be moon aliens or shit like that.
I mean, I know, he's not, I know it's not grade 11 biology, but...
I mean, it's something.
It's something.
Imagine any fucking other fucking job.
You know, you go, "Hey, I'm the civil servant, I'm a hero!"
You know, you fucking return it.
But...
The teacher...
Memorize this shit.
Get back tomorrow, and then you gotta tell it to me.
Remember...
Remember everything I say, and then you repeat it to me.
I got some problems for you.
I know you're a child.
And that you don't have any problems.
That's the cool thing about being a child.
But guess why you fucking got some now.
I got some heroic work to do.
I got some heroic work to do.
Show me a nice idea.
Pretty, pretty heroic.
Back down.
Listen, guys.
Guys.
What?
Here's the fucking heroic work.
In science, do you teach...
Do you teach Newton?
Isaac Newton?
You know, what are you, a retard?
Isaac Newton?
There's...
There's...
There's...
The hero that called me as a retard is actually a retard herself.
What if he's turned on his elbow?
I'm sorry, what?
A treadmill?
Have I seen one?
Wait, I don't even get it.
It's not good when people are groaning and I don't understand it.
No, have I...
Have I ever seen a treadmill?
Yes, of course.
You mean the things you walk on?
Yeah, I've seen them millions of times.
What, what, what, what, what?
I think I'm a retard.
Yeah, you walk on them.
They're in gyms and they go, "No, that's not a treadmill?"
You remind me of these fucking teachers I used to have.
I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a treadmill, no matter what you say.
It's a thing you walk on and then, right?
You're not, what?
You wouldn't be sure that I'd seen a treadmill?
Well, you see, this is, you're probably very bad at grading people.
But see, at some point when you ask a student a question, they give you an
answer, then you have to take them on faith.
Well, you have to take them on faith.
You know, I've seen a treadmill, no matter what you say.
I've seen a treadmill, no matter what you say.
It's a thing you walk on and then, right?
You're not, what?
You wouldn't be sure that I'd seen a treadmill?
Well, you see, this is, you're probably very bad at grading people.
But see, at some point when you ask a student a question, and they give you an
answer, then you have to take them on faith.
Well, there'd be no motive for me to lie about that question.
And I've seen dozens, hundreds, hundreds of people.
I don't want to brag, but you know, I've been around.
I've been around.
I've seen fire and I've seen rain.
I've seen treadmills, no one would understand.
There they are, there they are, there they are.
There they are.
There they are.