Name: Dirty Uncles
Uploaded: 2024-09-21T12:20:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dirty Uncles' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dirty Uncles' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-21. Transcript available.

Wait, are you going to have Thanksgiving, though? Thanksgiving's coming up.
Oh, yeah, Thanksgiving. We're going to have a lot of time. We're going to go
see my uncle.
I saw my uncle the other day. Oh, my uncle. He's having troubles.
Why is he having trouble?
You know my uncle, Basil?
I don't know him, but...
No, but I've talked to him before.
Yeah, you've mentioned him, yeah.
He's having troubles. His memory's not too good, you know, and it's not, thank
God, it's not Alzheimer's or anything like that.
But when a guy gets old, he starts forgetting. His memory starts, he doesn't,
you know, remember.
Right.
So I went to him, you know, I went and talked to him, you know, and I said to
him, because I heard he got this new medicine for his memory, the doctors.
Yeah.
So I said to him, I said, Uncle Basil, I said, how's that memory stuff working
out, the medicine?
He says, it's going good. I said, what's it called, that medicine memory,
memory medicine?
Memory medicine, yeah.
I said, what's it called? What's the name of it?
He goes, oh, the name of it. What is it now? Again, I can't remember now.
He says, what's the name of that flower you give to people?
And I said, I don't know. What, a tulip?
A tulip?
Mm-hmm.
And he said, no, no, no, no, not a tulip.
He said, what is it now? It's a kind of a flower people wear.
I said, is it a carnation? I don't know, Uncle Basil.
He says, no, no, what the hell is it called? It's red.
I said, I don't know, a rose? He said, yes, yes, yes.
He said, rose, what's the name of that medicine hat?
That's a doctor, isn't it?
You wrapped scallions.
Now, listen, we want to talk about your uncle, because every time you come on
the show,
you have a story about your uncle who lives up in Canada.
Oh, yeah, he's a Frenchman.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you always have, like, a little story about him.
Jean-Luc.
Oh, yeah, he's a crazy character, that dude.
He originally visited New York City.
Hello?
I'm just having a drink. I can listen to you and have a drink.
It's not like I want like this. Hold it.
Ah, liquid.
Huh?
I'm still here.
Let's see if I got this right.
You've got an uncle, lives up in Canada, named Jean-Luc.
Jean-Luc.
Occasionally he visits. Once, the time he visited New York.
Yeah, so I'm living in New York, you know.
And Jean-Luc, I'm excited, Jean-Luc's going to come by, my crazy Frenchman
uncle.
So, he gets in the cab, right?
When he gets to the airport.
Yeah, he gets to the airport, the cab driver picks him up, and the cab driver
says to him,
Hey, Frenchman, he says, you know, he says, do you like riddles, you know?
So, my uncle, Jean-Luc, he's like, ah, yes, I love the riddles.
That's how he talks.
He goes, I like nothing better than a riddle.
So, the cabbie's like, all right, here's one, right?
So, here's the riddle.
He says, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my father's
son.
So, my uncle goes, ah, I don't know.
So, the cabbie goes, it's me.
It's me.
Oh, yeah, makes sense.
Oh, he thinks about it.
Oh, my God, he says, that's a good riddle there.
He says, I have to tell my wife, Mary Claire, when I get back to Gaspé.
That's where he lives, Gaspé.
Right.
So, he's like, take me back to the airport.
And the cabbie's like, what?
Right?
The cabbie's like, I thought you wanted to go visit Norm, then.
No, no, no.
I go back to the airport.
All right, you know, I have to tell Mary Claire.
Seems odd, right?
Right.
Gets back on the plane, flies all the way back home there to Gaspé.
And he gets back, right?
Runs in the door.
Mary Claire, Mary Claire, where are you, Mary Claire?
Come on down here.
I have a riddle for you.
She goes, oh, Jean-Luc, I love the riddle.
She's a woman, high voice.
Michael Jackson was visiting.
Yeah, all right.
So, oh, you're going to love this riddle.
How was New York?
Forget about that.
I got a riddle.
Brothers and sisters, I have none.
But this man's father is my father's son.
She goes, oh, I don't know.
Who is it?
Some cab driver back in New York.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing?
I was bad.
You didn't mean to do that, did you?
No, I didn't.
Be honest.
You didn't mean to do that.
I didn't at all.
I just got to the end.
That guy, man.
I always tell my uncle, you shouldn't curse him.
Oh, man.
All right.
We're going to pick up the pieces.
Yeah.
Let me ask you quickly.
We haven't talked to you in so long.
I want to ask you about your family.
Ah, my great family.
I love them all.
How's your, we used to talk in the old days.
You and I used to, used to spin some yarns about Uncle Hector.
How's Uncle Hector?
Oh, Uncle Hector.
Uncle Hector.
He's Polish too, I'm guessing.
No, he wasn't Polish.
No, he was from my cousin's side of the family.
And he was, he was, he was a great man, my uncle, you know.
He was an old fella.
He actually rode the rails during the Depression.
Oh.
You know, he was a hobo.
Hobo.
As you might call him.
I don't like that term, but whatever.
Tramp or whatever.
What have you?
Railroad bum.
But he wasn't a bum.
He was just out, he was a good, honest man during the Depression, searching for
work.
Yeah.
You know?
And, you know, he had no money, so he'd travel the country trying to find work,
and he actually
rode the rails, Uncle Hector.
And he told me, it was an interesting story, he'd go through, this was in
Canada, and there's
a town called Kitchener in Canada, and the railroad cops were tough, boy.
They were tougher, tougher than the real cops.
You know, they had a law of their own, the railroad cops.
I feel like I should be tucked into bed listening to you.
Anyway, a law of their own, those railroad cops.
But there was not a railroad cop tougher than Kitchener Leslie.
Oh, boy.
He was well-known.
He was well-known for beating hobos to death.
Really?
He'd find a hobo on his train, he'd beat him to death.
He'd beat him to death.
And so what the railroad bums would all do is, as Kitchener approached, of
course,
Oh, hey, Norm, how you doing?
So, uh...
Wow, such focus on these stories.
That wasn't a mirror, that was...
Okay, that was a guy in the way out.
Yeah.
So, uh, uh, uh, the railroad bums would all, see, hop off before they got to
Kitchener
to avoid being beaten to death by Kitchener Leslie.
Yeah.
Anyways, my, uh, my, uh, Uncle Hector, a good man, you know, and he walked into
a mine
one day.
This is a, uh, a story for the, uh, that they think the young people could
learn from.
Yeah, don't go mine hopping, kids.
During the height of the Depression, where there was absolutely no work, my
Uncle Hector
walked into, to a, uh, I won't say the name of the mining company, it was McIntyre
Mine.
And he, and he walked in, he had his, he had his lunchbox with him and his, his,
his, uh,
work boots, and he said, sir, he said, uh, I want a job.
And they said, we have no jobs.
He said, well, 500 people work here at McIntyre Mine.
He goes, uh, uh, I don't think there are 500 men here better than I.
Uh, he says, as a matter of fact, I don't think there are 200 men better than I.
He says, I, I think you'd be, uh, strapped to find 100 men better than I.
And by golly, he got the job.
What do you think of that?
That's a great story.
Yeah.
I'm sensing there's more.
Now, back to Kitchener Leslie.
Yeah.
The most dreaded.
No, no, no.
Uncle Hector.
Uncle Hector.
What?
No.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to help you out.
No, Uncle Hector.
Dad, where's the story going?
Uncle, Uncle Hector, uh, worked in a mine.
And it's a, it's a hellish job, the mine, as you well know.
Uh, you know, uh, darkness, you know?
It's dank, it's...
It's dank.
Yeah.
It's, it's coaly.
It's a lot of...
What?
Well, you're in a coal mine.
It's not coaly, it's coal ridden.
It's coal ridden.
Coal infested.
It's not coaly.
It's coal infested.
So, uh, so he worked in the mine, and by God, he worked hard.
And, uh, after a week of working hard, he said to the, the shift manager, he
said, where...
He said, by golly, I'd like to have a lady.
I work hard, and, uh, where would I find a, where would I find a lady here in
town?
Well, they said to Uncle Hector, they says, uh, uh, we don't have, uh, we have
sex with
animals here.
By God, says Uncle Hector, I'm not gonna do that.
I, why I'm a normal fellow?
Uh, well, then, uh, be to your own devices, then.
So...
Be to your own devices?
Yeah.
Wow.
Uncle Hector continued working in the mine.
He worked hard, and he worked long, and he worked for a low wage.
But he was a man.
And, um...
And Uncle Hector, after a couple of weeks passed, he started to get a little itch.
You know, as, as you and I say.
Right.
You know?
Right, right.
Well, when we're thinking about the...
The ladies, you know?
The ladies, yeah.
And, uh, but he kept it under control.
He went again, and he said, are you sure there's no ladies here?
No, we have sex with animals.
Ah, my God.
Six months passed, and Uncle Hector couldn't take it any longer, he told me.
He said, by God, I just had to, uh, I'm just a man.
I'm weak, you know?
I'm, I'm not a saint, you know?
And, uh, I was, I was born in sin, I suppose, and I, I, I couldn't resist.
I, I just needed it.
So, he, so he said he walked, uh, by a, a pasture, and there, there was a pig.
Oh, God.
Yeah, yeah.
That's terrible.
Yeah, it's terrible.
And, uh, so Uncle Hector said, well, uh, he, he, he said, I walked up, and I, I
began
having sex with a pig, and he said, uh, all of a sudden, he saw all the minors,
like,
around him, you know, looking at him, they go, Uncle Hector, oh, what the hell
are you
doing over there?
And Uncle Hector's, like, indignant, he's like, what?
Well, you, you're the guys that told me that, uh, that, uh, you have sex with
animals.
They're like, Uncle Hector, you damn fool, that's Kitchener Leslie's girlfriend.
Of all the animals.
Of all the animals to have sex with.
You don't want to have sex with Kitchener Leslie's pig.
No, that's terrible.
Not Kitchener Leslie's pig.
Kitchener Leslie's lady.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, you, you, you got a week off, uh, a little while.
Yeah, I got a week off coming up.
After this show, I got a week off, so it's gonna be great.
Do you, uh, do you, do you see your family much?
Uh, do you?
Every, every break, I like to go back and see my, my, my folks, you know, and
also my uncles
and aunts and all that, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, they're great people.
The old people, you know, what I find about the old people is...
Just in general.
In general, they had so much more interesting lives than we do, you know?
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, we, you know, we, we, we go out, our generation, we go, okay, hey, let's
go to
a movie and then we'll do the laundry and get some quarters for the laundry and
then
we'll have a, read the Sports Illustrated, you know, and whatever, right?
Right, right.
And, but these guys, they had lives, you know, where they, you know what I'm
saying?
Sure.
Yeah.
So anyways, for instance, my Uncle Phil, you ever meet my Uncle Phil?
I didn't meet your Uncle Phil, no.
Oh, you didn't?
He was...
Yeah, we don't know each other that well.
That's true.
You know, remember?
That's true.
No, I, I've not met your Uncle Phil.
He's a good man, Uncle Phil.
So he, uh, he was telling me, you know, he's just one of these guys that has so
many lives
pushed into one.
He just does so many things, you know?
Mm-hmm.
And he was telling me, he says, he's a kind of a jack of all trades, you'd call
him.
Yeah.
That's a good phrase.
Yeah, he's a jack of all trades.
So he was telling me, he said, the problem is, you're not really appreciated
for any single
thing because you're so good at so many things.
You understand what I mean?
I hear you.
Yeah.
So he says, he said to me one time, he says, Norm, he says, we're just walking
through his
home, his town, you know, of, uh, uh, Monkland, Maine, he lives in.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, we were just walking through the town.
He's an old fella, you know?
Right, one of the old people.
Yeah, he's 80.
Yeah, 80, okay.
80 years young, he says.
Uh-huh.
So he goes, uh, he goes, uh, he goes, Norm, you see that barn over there, he
says to
me.
I look over, there's a barn.
I go, yeah, yeah.
He goes, I built that barn with my own hands all by myself.
But he goes, do they call me, do they say there's Phil, the barn builder?
No, sir, he says.
I said, yeah, yeah.
He goes, look over there.
You see that, uh, you don't know this about me, Norm.
He says, I was one of the first men ever to fly in a weather balloon.
Wow.
He says, but do they say, hey, there goes Phil, the weather balloon pioneer?
No.
No.
He says, look over there.
There's a bakery that I started.
You know, that dirty bastard Bob has it now.
But I'm the guy that started that bakery.
And I go, all right, all right, easy.
And he goes, he goes, I started that bakery and I was the best baker.
But does anybody go, oh, there goes Phil, the great baker.
No, he says, but he says, let me tell you something, Norm.
He says, you have sex with one goat.
He says, people, then they say, there goes Phil, the dirty goat.
Get rid of that.
We don't need that microphone anymore, do we?
Wow, well, I do want to meet this man someday.
He sounds fascinating.
My dad would always tell this joke.
And it was about a little boy called Dirty Johnny.
You know, and he'd be in class.
You ever heard of Dirty Johnny?
The Dirty Johnny jokes, yes.
Heard the whole series.
In this joke, he's not dirty.
But anyways, the teacher has a thing.
And the teacher says, today in class, we are going to have a little experiment.
You're going to tell a story from your real life.
And then afterwards, you are going to tell the moral of that story.
You know?
So Sheila puts up her hand.
And the teacher says, Sheila, what's your story?
So Sheila says, well, my dad works at the hatchery.
And he took some eggs and he put them all in a basket.
All the eggs he put in one basket.
And then he put them in the horse and buggy and off we went to town.
And the earth was uneven and the eggs broke.
And the teacher goes, well, that's an all right story.
But I can't understand what the moral would be to that story.
So Sheila says, well, the moral is, don't put all of your eggs into one basket.
So the teacher says, well, by God, this is exactly what I'm looking for and
what I was hoping for with this experiment.
And anybody else have one?
So Marjorie puts up her hand.
Okay, Marjorie, what's your story?
Well, my father works for the hatchery.
Most of us.
Most people in that town work for the hatchery.
Work for the hatchery.
Thank God for the hatchery, she says.
Where would we be?
So she says, my father, he sells chickens.
And he knows that eggs become chickens.
See what I mean?
So he had to count his chickens so he'd go and sell them in town.
So he had nine chickens and five eggs.
So instead of saying he had nine chickens, he added the five eggs, you see.
He counted them as chickens.
So he said, I have 14 chickens.
So he took them, Sheila says, and put them in the horse and buggy and off they
went to town.
But the land was uneven.
The chickens survived easily.
They frolicked.
The eggs broke.
Well, the teacher says, again, that's a story, you know.
But what on earth could the moral of that story be?
Well, Sheila says, if that's her name, I forgot.
She says, don't count your chickens before they hatch out of the eggs.
Teacher says, you could probably shorten it a little.
So, but that's great.
And that's exactly what we're looking for.
And then she looks at the back of the class and by God, there's the upraised
hands of, as you say, fucking dirty janitor.
Fucking dirty janitor.
He's going to ruin the lesson.
So the teacher, inside of her head, her thoughts are moving around and she's
like, ah, God, I don't want to hear Dirty Johnny saying that this is going so
well.
But at the same time, I took a vow and I became a teacher that every student,
ah, ah, ah, all right, Johnny, let's hear your story.
So Dirty Johnny gets up and he says, this is a story about my Uncle Terry.
He didn't work for the hatchery.
He didn't even like people that did.
He was in Vietnam when he lives in the disability checks he got.
Uncle Terry was not a popular man, not even among those he worked with.
And I suppose we've all heard of people who've deserted from their battalion.
But I don't know if you've ever heard of a battalion deserting a man.
That's what they did with Uncle Terry.
One day, Uncle Terry awoke in the middle of Da Nang and everybody was gone.
He was alone and they'd left him three bottles of Jack Daniels and some weaponry.
So Uncle Terry got up to his Dirty Johnny and he downed the bottle of Jack
Daniels and two slugs.
And he threw it down and smashed it into the jungle.
And then he walked.
Picked up the two Kalashnikovs and three or four Glocks and a couple of hand
grenades.
And off he walked into the unknown, the jungle, his fate.
Came upon a village.
And from the village came people.
Now, were they Charlie or were they the people that Terry was sent to protect
from Charlie?
Uncle Terry didn't know.
But he knew he had to do something.
So he took another swig from the bottle and he let loose.
Took that Kalashnikov and he let it sway like a farmer would a scythe.
And the bullets came and, you know, just as hay would fall before a farmer, so
the people fell before Uncle Terry.
The men, the women, and by God, even the children.
And finally Uncle Terry stood alone in the mud and the blood and the guts and
the...
Only at himself.
He took a long swig.
And his hand brushed against his pants and he felt wetness.
And then he felt shame because he realized he had urinated himself in fear.
And then, upon closer inspection, he realized it was not urine.
It was ejaculate.
And his shame was replaced by pride.
And that teacher goes, holy fucking shit, what the fuck?
What kind of fucking story is that?
Like, we just heard the hatchery and shit.
And now this.
She goes, Uncle Terry.
Well, Dirty Johnny, what on earth could be the moral to such a story?
So Johnny thinks about it for a couple of minutes and he goes, well, I don't
know, I guess.
Well, I know one thing.
You know, fuck with Terry when he's had some drink in him.
And he's uncorked the jug.
You stay away from Uncle Terry.
And he doesn't like anybody that works at the hatchery either.
You remember that.
You tell your parents that.
Wow.

Dirty Uncles

Wait, are you going to have Thanksgiving, though? Thanksgiving's coming up.
Oh, yeah, Thanksgiving. We're going to have a lot of time. We're going to go
see my uncle.
I saw my uncle the other day. Oh, my uncle. He's having troubles.
Why is he having trouble?
You know my uncle, Basil?
I don't know him, but...
No, but I've talked to him before.
Yeah, you've mentioned him, yeah.
He's having troubles. His memory's not too good, you know, and it's not, thank
God, it's not Alzheimer's or anything like that.
But when a guy gets old, he starts forgetting. His memory starts, he doesn't,
you know, remember.
Right.
So I went to him, you know, I went and talked to him, you know, and I said to
him, because I heard he got this new medicine for his memory, the doctors.
Yeah.
So I said to him, I said, Uncle Basil, I said, how's that memory stuff working
out, the medicine?
He says, it's going good. I said, what's it called, that medicine memory,
memory medicine?
Memory medicine, yeah.
I said, what's it called? What's the name of it?
He goes, oh, the name of it. What is it now? Again, I can't remember now.
He says, what's the name of that flower you give to people?
And I said, I don't know. What, a tulip?
A tulip?
Mm-hmm.
And he said, no, no, no, no, not a tulip.
He said, what is it now? It's a kind of a flower people wear.
I said, is it a carnation? I don't know, Uncle Basil.
He says, no, no, what the hell is it called? It's red.
I said, I don't know, a rose? He said, yes, yes, yes.
He said, rose, what's the name of that medicine hat?
That's a doctor, isn't it?
You wrapped scallions.
Now, listen, we want to talk about your uncle, because every time you come on
the show,
you have a story about your uncle who lives up in Canada.
Oh, yeah, he's a Frenchman.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you always have, like, a little story about him.
Jean-Luc.
Oh, yeah, he's a crazy character, that dude.
He originally visited New York City.
Hello?
I'm just having a drink. I can listen to you and have a drink.
It's not like I want like this. Hold it.
Ah, liquid.
Huh?
I'm still here.
Let's see if I got this right.
You've got an uncle, lives up in Canada, named Jean-Luc.
Jean-Luc.
Occasionally he visits. Once, the time he visited New York.
Yeah, so I'm living in New York, you know.
And Jean-Luc, I'm excited, Jean-Luc's going to come by, my crazy Frenchman
uncle.
So, he gets in the cab, right?
When he gets to the airport.
Yeah, he gets to the airport, the cab driver picks him up, and the cab driver
says to him,
Hey, Frenchman, he says, you know, he says, do you like riddles, you know?
So, my uncle, Jean-Luc, he's like, ah, yes, I love the riddles.
That's how he talks.
He goes, I like nothing better than a riddle.
So, the cabbie's like, all right, here's one, right?
So, here's the riddle.
He says, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my father's
son.
So, my uncle goes, ah, I don't know.
So, the cabbie goes, it's me.
It's me.
Oh, yeah, makes sense.
Oh, he thinks about it.
Oh, my God, he says, that's a good riddle there.
He says, I have to tell my wife, Mary Claire, when I get back to Gaspé.
That's where he lives, Gaspé.
Right.
So, he's like, take me back to the airport.
And the cabbie's like, what?
Right?
The cabbie's like, I thought you wanted to go visit Norm, then.
No, no, no.
I go back to the airport.
All right, you know, I have to tell Mary Claire.
Seems odd, right?
Right.
Gets back on the plane, flies all the way back home there to Gaspé.
And he gets back, right?
Runs in the door.
Mary Claire, Mary Claire, where are you, Mary Claire?
Come on down here.
I have a riddle for you.
She goes, oh, Jean-Luc, I love the riddle.
She's a woman, high voice.
Michael Jackson was visiting.
Yeah, all right.
So, oh, you're going to love this riddle.
How was New York?
Forget about that.
I got a riddle.
Brothers and sisters, I have none.
But this man's father is my father's son.
She goes, oh, I don't know.
Who is it?
Some cab driver back in New York.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing?
I was bad.
You didn't mean to do that, did you?
No, I didn't.
Be honest.
You didn't mean to do that.
I didn't at all.
I just got to the end.
That guy, man.
I always tell my uncle, you shouldn't curse him.
Oh, man.
All right.
We're going to pick up the pieces.
Yeah.
Let me ask you quickly.
We haven't talked to you in so long.
I want to ask you about your family.
Ah, my great family.
I love them all.
How's your, we used to talk in the old days.
You and I used to, used to spin some yarns about Uncle Hector.
How's Uncle Hector?
Oh, Uncle Hector.
Uncle Hector.
He's Polish too, I'm guessing.
No, he wasn't Polish.
No, he was from my cousin's side of the family.
And he was, he was, he was a great man, my uncle, you know.
He was an old fella.
He actually rode the rails during the Depression.
Oh.
You know, he was a hobo.
Hobo.
As you might call him.
I don't like that term, but whatever.
Tramp or whatever.
What have you?
Railroad bum.
But he wasn't a bum.
He was just out, he was a good, honest man during the Depression, searching for
work.
Yeah.
You know?
And, you know, he had no money, so he'd travel the country trying to find work,
and he actually
rode the rails, Uncle Hector.
And he told me, it was an interesting story, he'd go through, this was in
Canada, and there's
a town called Kitchener in Canada, and the railroad cops were tough, boy.
They were tougher, tougher than the real cops.
You know, they had a law of their own, the railroad cops.
I feel like I should be tucked into bed listening to you.
Anyway, a law of their own, those railroad cops.
But there was not a railroad cop tougher than Kitchener Leslie.
Oh, boy.
He was well-known.
He was well-known for beating hobos to death.
Really?
He'd find a hobo on his train, he'd beat him to death.
He'd beat him to death.
And so what the railroad bums would all do is, as Kitchener approached, of
course,
Oh, hey, Norm, how you doing?
So, uh...
Wow, such focus on these stories.
That wasn't a mirror, that was...
Okay, that was a guy in the way out.
Yeah.
So, uh, uh, uh, the railroad bums would all, see, hop off before they got to
Kitchener
to avoid being beaten to death by Kitchener Leslie.
Yeah.
Anyways, my, uh, my, uh, Uncle Hector, a good man, you know, and he walked into
a mine
one day.
This is a, uh, a story for the, uh, that they think the young people could
learn from.
Yeah, don't go mine hopping, kids.
During the height of the Depression, where there was absolutely no work, my
Uncle Hector
walked into, to a, uh, I won't say the name of the mining company, it was McIntyre
Mine.
And he, and he walked in, he had his, he had his lunchbox with him and his, his,
his, uh,
work boots, and he said, sir, he said, uh, I want a job.
And they said, we have no jobs.
He said, well, 500 people work here at McIntyre Mine.
He goes, uh, uh, I don't think there are 500 men here better than I.
Uh, he says, as a matter of fact, I don't think there are 200 men better than I.
He says, I, I think you'd be, uh, strapped to find 100 men better than I.
And by golly, he got the job.
What do you think of that?
That's a great story.
Yeah.
I'm sensing there's more.
Now, back to Kitchener Leslie.
Yeah.
The most dreaded.
No, no, no.
Uncle Hector.
Uncle Hector.
What?
No.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to help you out.
No, Uncle Hector.
Dad, where's the story going?
Uncle, Uncle Hector, uh, worked in a mine.
And it's a, it's a hellish job, the mine, as you well know.
Uh, you know, uh, darkness, you know?
It's dank, it's...
It's dank.
Yeah.
It's, it's coaly.
It's a lot of...
What?
Well, you're in a coal mine.
It's not coaly, it's coal ridden.
It's coal ridden.
Coal infested.
It's not coaly.
It's coal infested.
So, uh, so he worked in the mine, and by God, he worked hard.
And, uh, after a week of working hard, he said to the, the shift manager, he
said, where...
He said, by golly, I'd like to have a lady.
I work hard, and, uh, where would I find a, where would I find a lady here in
town?
Well, they said to Uncle Hector, they says, uh, uh, we don't have, uh, we have
sex with
animals here.
By God, says Uncle Hector, I'm not gonna do that.
I, why I'm a normal fellow?
Uh, well, then, uh, be to your own devices, then.
So...
Be to your own devices?
Yeah.
Wow.
Uncle Hector continued working in the mine.
He worked hard, and he worked long, and he worked for a low wage.
But he was a man.
And, um...
And Uncle Hector, after a couple of weeks passed, he started to get a little itch.
You know, as, as you and I say.
Right.
You know?
Right, right.
Well, when we're thinking about the...
The ladies, you know?
The ladies, yeah.
And, uh, but he kept it under control.
He went again, and he said, are you sure there's no ladies here?
No, we have sex with animals.
Ah, my God.
Six months passed, and Uncle Hector couldn't take it any longer, he told me.
He said, by God, I just had to, uh, I'm just a man.
I'm weak, you know?
I'm, I'm not a saint, you know?
And, uh, I was, I was born in sin, I suppose, and I, I, I couldn't resist.
I, I just needed it.
So, he, so he said he walked, uh, by a, a pasture, and there, there was a pig.
Oh, God.
Yeah, yeah.
That's terrible.
Yeah, it's terrible.
And, uh, so Uncle Hector said, well, uh, he, he, he said, I walked up, and I, I
began
having sex with a pig, and he said, uh, all of a sudden, he saw all the minors,
like,
around him, you know, looking at him, they go, Uncle Hector, oh, what the hell
are you
doing over there?
And Uncle Hector's, like, indignant, he's like, what?
Well, you, you're the guys that told me that, uh, that, uh, you have sex with
animals.
They're like, Uncle Hector, you damn fool, that's Kitchener Leslie's girlfriend.
Of all the animals.
Of all the animals to have sex with.
You don't want to have sex with Kitchener Leslie's pig.
No, that's terrible.
Not Kitchener Leslie's pig.
Kitchener Leslie's lady.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, you, you, you got a week off, uh, a little while.
Yeah, I got a week off coming up.
After this show, I got a week off, so it's gonna be great.
Do you, uh, do you, do you see your family much?
Uh, do you?
Every, every break, I like to go back and see my, my, my folks, you know, and
also my uncles
and aunts and all that, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, they're great people.
The old people, you know, what I find about the old people is...
Just in general.
In general, they had so much more interesting lives than we do, you know?
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, we, you know, we, we, we go out, our generation, we go, okay, hey, let's
go to
a movie and then we'll do the laundry and get some quarters for the laundry and
then
we'll have a, read the Sports Illustrated, you know, and whatever, right?
Right, right.
And, but these guys, they had lives, you know, where they, you know what I'm
saying?
Sure.
Yeah.
So anyways, for instance, my Uncle Phil, you ever meet my Uncle Phil?
I didn't meet your Uncle Phil, no.
Oh, you didn't?
He was...
Yeah, we don't know each other that well.
That's true.
You know, remember?
That's true.
No, I, I've not met your Uncle Phil.
He's a good man, Uncle Phil.
So he, uh, he was telling me, you know, he's just one of these guys that has so
many lives
pushed into one.
He just does so many things, you know?
Mm-hmm.
And he was telling me, he says, he's a kind of a jack of all trades, you'd call
him.
Yeah.
That's a good phrase.
Yeah, he's a jack of all trades.
So he was telling me, he said, the problem is, you're not really appreciated
for any single
thing because you're so good at so many things.
You understand what I mean?
I hear you.
Yeah.
So he says, he said to me one time, he says, Norm, he says, we're just walking
through his
home, his town, you know, of, uh, uh, Monkland, Maine, he lives in.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, we were just walking through the town.
He's an old fella, you know?
Right, one of the old people.
Yeah, he's 80.
Yeah, 80, okay.
80 years young, he says.
Uh-huh.
So he goes, uh, he goes, uh, he goes, Norm, you see that barn over there, he
says to
me.
I look ove