Name: It's Probably the Clinton Jokes
Uploaded: 2024-09-23T11:07:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'It's Probably the Clinton Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'It's Probably the Clinton Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-23. Transcript available.

Here we see the president and the first bitch.
Hey, hey, slow down you bitch, let me catch up.
Here we see President Clinton looking for something, anything, to hug besides
his wife.
This week in South Africa, Winnie Mandela was removed from the new government
by her husband, President Nelson Mandela.
A curious Bill Clinton later called Mr. Mandela to find out how exactly you go
about doing something like that.
Gosh, Hillary looks pretty in this photo here, doesn't she?
I never realized she was such a looker until I see her here in this picture.
A frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary Clinton.
Her plane, en route to the former Soviet Union, was forced to make an emergency
landing
when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious
malfunctions.
The president was said to be furious and demanded an immediate investigation of
what went wrong with Operation Frayed Wire.
First Lady Hillary Clinton has been out of the country this week visiting the
remote region of Siberia.
Said the president, quote, when the cat's away, the mice, oh, who am I kidding?
The mouse screws plenty of women even when the cat's right here.
At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against
same-sex marriages.
What's more, the president said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex
marriages either.
Astronaut Shannon Lucid, back on Earth after a record six months in space,
was welcomed home Tuesday with a phone call from President Clinton.
Said the president, quote, this is just the beginning.
One day we'll be able to send an American into space indefinitely, and I hope
it's a woman.
Speaking in Australia this week about the problems of being America's First
Lady,
Hillary Clinton joked, quote,
Perhaps I'll walk around with a bag over my head when I come out into public
and have no opinions
and never express them publicly or privately.
To which the president replied,
Yes, yes, oh God, yes!
As new questions arise about Hillary Clinton's role in Whitewater,
the president appears to be distancing himself from the First Lady.
Earlier today in his weekly radio address, the president insisted,
Hey, I sleep with hundreds of girls, I can't vouch for all of them, you know?
Though more indictments are likely in the Whitewater investigation,
President Clinton is still refusing to say whether he will pardon
former Whitewater associates Jim and Susan McDougal.
But when asked if he would pardon First Lady Hillary Clinton,
the president was crystal clear, quote,
She does the crime, she does the time.
Court documents made public this week,
Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge
that Hillary Clinton is now a, quote,
central figure in the Whitewater criminal probe.
Reacting to the news,
President Clinton called the investigation a partisan witch hunt,
vowing, quote,
If the First Lady is somehow convicted and has to go to jail,
I will do everything in my power to wait two weeks to start dating.
With growing indications that First Lady Hillary Clinton may be indicted for
her role in Whitewater,
President Clinton is reportedly starting to prepare for that possibility.
Plans so far include renting a hall, hiring a band,
and making a giant bathtub with margaritas.
In a unanimous verdict this week, a Santa Monica jury found O.J. Simpson liable
for the wrongful deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman,
awarding the plaintiff's damages of $8.5 million.
Reacting to the verdict, Simpson insisted that he has nowhere near that amount
of money
and that his only remaining asset is 30 pairs of Brune Mollie shoes.
The announcement of the verdict came toward the end of President Clinton's
annual State of the Union Address
and, in many observers, completely overshadowed the event.
Even the President was distracted during his speech,
waiting to hear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife.
Reacting to the President
Well, more O.J. Simpson news.
On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President,
adding, adding, quote,
I'd like to help him any way I can.
To which the President replied,
Well, there is one thing.
An American President, Rob Reiner's new film starring Michael Douglas and Annette
Bening
opened in theaters last week.
Here with his review is update movie critic
and 42nd President of these United States,
Bill Clinton.
Thank you, Norm.
Thank you all.
And, uh, what did you like best about the movie?
The Dead Wife.
Independence Day, the science fiction fantasy starring Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman,
and Will Smith, was not only last summer's biggest box office hit, it was a
national phenomenon.
Here with his review is update movie critic and 42nd president of these United
States, Bill Clinton.
Thank you. I think it deals with some of the most fundamental questions of
existence. Is there intelligent life out there? Is it friendly? If not, what if
it came to earth and killed the president's wife?
I guess I never thought about that, Mr. President.
I have. Every day of my life.
Last week, the president vetoed a Republican bill to balance the budget and he
used a pen that belonged to former president Lyndon Johnson.
Clinton has also been working his way through John F. Kennedy's vast supply of
condoms.
Well, more bad news for Bill Clinton. This week, an appellate court ruled that
Paula Jones can proceed with her sexual harassment suit against the president.
Joan's suit is based on a 1991 hotel room encounter, during which she alleges
that then-Governor Clinton dropped his pants and exposed himself.
She is seeking $700,000 in damages, $100,000 for trauma after seeing the
governor's penis, and $300,000 for each thigh.
Well, Chelsea Clinton turned 16 a few weeks ago, and apparently her father has
been teaching her to drive.
Early reports say that under the president's tutelage, the first daughter has
become exceptionally good at cruising for chicks.
A Connecticut hotel where Bill Clinton spent the night has donated to a charity
auction a bagel the president ordered from room service but never ate.
Though potential bidders should be advised, while the president never actually
ate the bagel, he did have, quote, relations with it.
Sounds delicious.
This week, President Clinton made history when he nominated Marilyn Albright to
be first female secretary of state.
Responding to critics who say that she is not the best choice, the president
insisted, quote,
she looks a lot better after a couple of drinks.
This week in arguments before the Supreme Court, lawyers for President Clinton
asked that the sexual harassment suit brought by Paula Jones be delayed until
he leaves office.
According to Clinton's attorney, quote, if the president were hauled into court
every time some nut accused him of sexual harassment, he'd have no time to
scare up tail.
He likes scaring up the tail.
Okay.
More bad news for the president.
This week, convicted Whitewater swindler James McDougal claimed that his ex-wife,
Susan McDougal, had an affair with Clinton while he was governor of Arkansas.
The president denied the charges, adding, quote, if you really knew me, you'd
know that I was always faithful to Jennifer Flowers.
In a startling reversal, Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would not
resign as Whitewater special prosecutor and that now he intends to stay on
until the investigation is completed.
This new development apparently did not trouble a confident President Clinton
who still plans to resume making conjugal visits to Susan McDougal.
Yesterday, President Clinton underwent a two-hour operation to repair damage to
his knee, suffered in a fall while visiting in Florida at the home of
professional golfer Greg Norman.
Many were surprised to hear that the two were unfriendly terms, since Greg
Norman had once threatened that if he ever caught Clinton with his wife again,
he'd smash his kneecap with a five iron.
The White House says that surviving relatives of those who died in a 40-year-old
federal study, which allowed men infected with syphilis to go untreated, will
get an official apology from President Clinton.
According to the president, quote,
Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lieutenant
Kelly Flynn, the nation's first female B-52 pilot.
Flynn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man, as well
as having a brief fling with a second airman, and then lying about it.
An Air Force prosecutor called her, quote, a sexual predator, while her commanding
officer called her, a, quote, lying sex addict.
Meanwhile, President Clinton called her.
Well, the White House is an empty nest this week following Chelsea Clinton's
departure to begin studies at Stanford University.
A wistful, President Clinton says that while it's difficult to see his daughter
grow up,
at least now he'll feel less guilty about hitting on her friends.
According to Reno, there is no evidence he misused his office to raise money,
improperly allowed contributors to stay overnight at the White House,
or sought contributions in exchange for political favors.
You know, it's hard for me to believe this, but for Janet Reno to send this
letter, I guess it must be true.
The President's sleeping with her, too.
It's beyond comprehension, but...
On Tom Snyder this week, after Tony Danza said,
he thought the recent open display of affection by lesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres
and Anne Hesch in front of President Clinton was extremely disrespectful.
On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded,
Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio this week, presiding in a town
meeting about race relations in America.
The President chose Akron as the site of the meeting, partly because it is the
home of the Coming Together Project,
an organized effort to end racism, and partly because it is the home of Suzanne
Rosenberg,
an old classmate from Oxford the President still has sex with.
Well, President Clinton received an early Christmas present this week, an
adorable Labrador puppy.
And presidential historians say that it will be good for his image.
According to these scholars, in comparison to a male dog, the President's sex
life will seem relatively normal.
A five-year-old child writes,
Dear Mr. President, when the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayer money on
their whitewater witch hunt,
perhaps they can join you in your efforts to protect Medicare and the
environment,
and to expand the earned income tax credit.
P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it.
Here's one from Elizabeth A. of Long Island, who wrote,
Dear President Clinton, Newt Gingrich is a bad, bad man.
Also, Paula Jones was asking for it.
The Supreme Court will begin hearing arguments over whether Paula Jones' sexual
harassment suit
against President Clinton may proceed.
Jones, who claims that while governor of Arkansas, Clinton exposed himself to
her in a hotel room,
says that she can accurately and precisely describe the President's genitalia.
But White House spokesman scoffed, quote,
Any woman who's worked in the state of Arkansas for the last 20 years could do
that.
Does President Clinton have a bent penis?
Well, according to a doctor who examined him last week,
the President's genitals are, quote,
completely 100% normal.
It should be noted, however, that the doctor who examined him
also has a bent penis.
I may color his findings a little.
Well, as his last stop on the trip,
the President met in Buenos Aires Thursday
with Argentinian President Carlos Menem.
During the meeting,
Clinton asked Menem to continue with economic reform
and protect democratic freedom.
Menem, in turn, asked Clinton to show him his bent penis.
Tomorrow, Chinese President Jiang Zemin begins a week-long visit
that could define U.S. relations with China for years to come.
President Clinton plans to ask Jiang for several things,
including human rights reform, trade expansion,
and a Chinese herb said to have the power to straighten a bent penis.
This week, an angry President Clinton demanded
the Congress stop dragging its feet
on something he has long championed,
a medical bill of rights for U.S. citizens.
In all, there are 10 items in the President's bill of rights,
running from number one,
a rich, satisfying sex life is the foundation of good health,
to number 10,
a straight penis is not a privilege, it is a right.
Serious Indonesian accused of illegally raising millions for the Democratic
Party.
Earlier this week, Secret Service logs showed that Mr. Wong
had visited the Clinton White House more than 60 times.
But on Friday, administration spokesmen revealed
that there are actually two John Wongs.
Furthermore, they stress that the John Wong
who visited the White House is a different man.
He isn't the fundraiser.
He's the guy who killed Vince Foster.
On Capitol Hill this week,
17 Republican congressmen formally asked the House Judiciary Committee
whether there is sufficient evidence
to begin impeachment proceedings against President Clinton.
In response, the President said,
Hey, you know who would have the answer to that question?
Vince Foster.
This weekend, veteran news anchorman David Brinkley
apologized to Bill Clinton
for an election night commentary
in which he called the President, quote,
boring and uncreative.
Admitted Brinkley,
There was certainly nothing uncreative
about the way you moved Vince Foster's body.
President's a murderer.
You didn't know that?

It's Probably the Clinton Jokes

Here we see the president and the first bitch.
Hey, hey, slow down you bitch, let me catch up.
Here we see President Clinton looking for something, anything, to hug besides
his wife.
This week in South Africa, Winnie Mandela was removed from the new government
by her husband, President Nelson Mandela.
A curious Bill Clinton later called Mr. Mandela to find out how exactly you go
about doing something like that.
Gosh, Hillary looks pretty in this photo here, doesn't she?
I never realized she was such a looker until I see her here in this picture.
A frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary Clinton.
Her plane, en route to the former Soviet Union, was forced to make an emergency
landing
when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious
malfunctions.
The president was said to be furious and demanded an immediate investigation of
what went wrong with Operation Frayed Wire.
First Lady Hillary Clinton has been out of the country this week visiting the
remote region of Siberia.
Said the president, quote, when the cat's away, the mice, oh, who am I kidding?
The mouse screws plenty of women even when the cat's right here.
At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against
same-sex marriages.
What's more, the president said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex
marriages either.
Astronaut Shannon Lucid, back on Earth after a record six months in space,
was welcomed home Tuesday with a phone call from President Clinton.
Said the president, quote, this is just the beginning.
One day we'll be able to send an American into space indefinitely, and I hope
it's a woman.
Speaking in Australia this week about the problems of being America's First
Lady,
Hillary Clinton joked, quote,
Perhaps I'll walk around with a bag over my head when I come out into public
and have no opinions
and never express them publicly or privately.
To which the president replied,
Yes, yes, oh God, yes!
As new questions arise about Hillary Clinton's role in Whitewater,
the president appears to be distancing himself from the First Lady.
Earlier today in his weekly radio address, the president insisted,
Hey, I sleep with hundreds of girls, I can't vouch for all of them, you know?
Though more indictments are likely in the Whitewater investigation,
President Clinton is still refusing to say whether he will pardon
former Whitewater associates Jim and Susan McDougal.
But when asked if he would pardon First Lady Hillary Clinton,
the president was crystal clear, quote,
She does the crime, she does the time.
Court documents made public this week,
Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge
that Hillary Clinton is now a, quote,
central figure in the Whitewater criminal probe.
Reacting to the news,
President Clinton called the investigation a partisan witch hunt,
vowing, quote,
If the First Lady is somehow convicted and has to go to jail,
I will do everything in my power to wait two weeks to start dating.
With growing indications that First Lady Hillary Clinton may be indicted for
her role in Whitewater,
President Clinton is reportedly starting to prepare for that possibility.
Plans so far include renting a hall, hiring a band,
and making a giant bathtub with margaritas.
In a unanimous verdict this week, a Santa Monica jury found O.J. Simpson liable
for the wrongful deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman,
awarding the plaintiff's damages of $8.5 million.
Reacting to the verdict, Simpson insisted that he has nowhere near that amount
of money
and that his only remaining asset is 30 pairs of Brune Mollie shoes.
The announcement of the verdict came toward the end of President Clinton's
annual State of the Union Address
and, in many observers, completely overshadowed the event.
Even the President was distracted during his speech,
waiting to hear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife.
Reacting to the President
Well, more O.J. Simpson news.
On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President,
adding, adding, quote,
I'd like to help him any way I can.
To which the President replied,
Well, there is one thing.
An American President, Rob Reiner's new film starring Michael Douglas and Annette
Bening
opened in theaters last week.
Here with his review is update movie critic
and 42nd President of these United States,
Bill Clinton.
Thank you, Norm.
Thank you all.
And, uh, what did you like best about the movie?
The Dead Wife.
Independence Day, the science fiction fantasy starring Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman,
and Will Smith, was not only last summer's biggest box office hit, it was a
national phenomenon.
Here with his review is update movie critic and 42nd president of these United
States, Bill Clinton.
Thank you. I think it deals with some of the most fundamental questions of
existence. Is there intelligent life out there? Is it friendly? If not, what if
it came to earth and killed the president's wife?
I guess I never thought about that, Mr. President.
I have. Every day of my life.
Last week, the president vetoed a Republican bill to balance the budget and he
used a pen that belonged to former president Lyndon Johnson.
Clinton has also been working his way through John F. Kennedy's vast supply of
condoms.
Well, more bad news for Bill Clinton. This week, an appellate court ruled that
Paula Jones can proceed with her sexual harassment suit against the president.
Joan's suit is based on a 1991 hotel room encounter, during which she alleges
that then-Governor Clinton dropped his pants and exposed himself.
She is seeking $700,000 in damages, $100,000 for trauma after seeing the
governor's penis, and $300,000 for each thigh.
Well, Chelsea Clinton turned 16 a few weeks ago, and apparently her father has
been teaching her to drive.
Early reports say that under the president's tutelage, the first daughter has
become exceptionally good at cruising for chicks.
A Connecticut hotel where Bill Clinton spent the night has donated to a charity
auction a bagel the president ordered from room service but never ate.
Though potential bidders should be advised, while the president never actually
ate the bagel, he did have, quote, relations with it.
Sounds delicious.
This week, President Clinton made history when he nominated Marilyn Albright to
be first female secretary of state.
Responding to critics who say that she is not the best choice, the president
insisted, quote,
she looks a lot better after a couple of drinks.
This week in arguments before the Supreme Court, lawyers for President Clinton
asked that the sexual harassment suit brought by Paula Jones be delayed until
he leaves office.
According to Clinton's attorney, quote, if the president were hauled into court
every time some nut accused him of sexual harassment, he'd have no time to
scare up tail.
He likes scaring up the tail.
Okay.
More bad news for the president.
This week, convicted Whitewater swindler James McDougal claimed that his ex-wife,
Susan McDougal, had an affair with Clinton while he was governor of Arkansas.
The president denied the charges, adding, quote, if you really knew me, you'd
know that I was always faithful to Jennifer Flowers.
In a startling reversal, Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would not
resign as Whitewater special prosecutor and that now he intends to stay on
until the investigation is completed.
This new development apparently did not trouble a confident President Clinton
who still plans to resume making conjugal visits to Susan McDougal.
Yesterday, President Clinton underwent a two-hour operation to repair damage to
his knee, suffered in a fall while visiting in Florida at the home of
professional golfer Greg Norman.
Many were surprised to hear that the two were unfriendly terms, since Greg
Norman had once threatened that if he ever caught Clinton with his wife again,
he'd smash his kneecap with a five iron.
The White House says that surviving relatives of those who died in a 40-year-old
federal study, which allowed men infected with syphilis to go untreated, will
get an official apology from President Clinton.
According to the president, quote,
Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lieutenant
Kelly Flynn, the nation's first female B-52 pilot.
Flynn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man, as well
as having a brief fling with a second airman, and then lying about it.
An Air Force prosecutor called her, quote, a sexual predator, while her commanding
officer called her, a, quote, lying sex addict.
Meanwhile, President Clinton called her.
Well, the White House is an empty nest this week following Chelsea Clinton's
departure to begin studies at Stanford University.
A wistful, President Clinton says that while it's difficult to see his daughter
grow up,
at least now he'll feel less guilty about hitting on her friends.
According to Reno, there is no evidence he misused his office to raise money,
improperly allowed contributors to stay overnight at the White House,
or sought contributions in exchange for political favors.
You know, it's hard for me to believe this, but for Janet Reno to send this
letter, I guess it must be true.
The President's sleeping with her, too.
It's beyond comprehension, but...
On Tom Snyder this week, after Tony Danza said,
he thought the recent open display of affection by lesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres
and Anne Hesch in front of President Clinton was extremely disrespectful.
On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded,
Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio this week, presiding in a town
meeting about race relations in America.
The President chose Akron as the site of the meeting, partly because it is the
home of the Coming Together Project,
an organized effort to end racism, and partly because it is the home of Suzanne
Rosenberg,
an old classmate from Oxford the President still has sex with.
Well, President Clinton received an early Christmas present this week, an
adorable Labrador puppy.
And presidential historians say that it will be good for his image.
According to these scholars, in comparison to a male dog, the President's sex
life will seem relatively normal.
A five-year-old child writes,
Dear Mr. President, when the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayer money on
their whitewater witch hunt,
perhaps they can join you in your efforts to protect Medicare and the
environment,
and to expand the earned income tax credit.
P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it.
Here's one from Elizabeth A. of Long Island, who wrote,
Dear President Clinton, Newt Gingrich is a bad, bad man.
Also, Paula Jones was asking for it.
The Supreme Court will begin hearing arguments over whether Paula Jones' sexual
harassment suit
against President Clinton may proceed.
Jones, who claims that while governor of Arkansas, Clinton exposed himself to
her in a hotel room,
says that she can accurately and precisely describe the President's genitalia.
But White House spokesman scoffed, quote,
Any woman who's worked in the state of Arkansas for the last 20 years could do
that.
Does President Clinton have a bent penis?
Well, according to a doctor who examined him last week,
the President's genitals are, quote,
completely 100% normal.
It should be noted, however, that the doctor who examined him
also has a bent penis.
I may color his findings a little.
Well, as his last stop on the trip,
the President met in Buenos Aires Thursday
with Argentinian President Carlos Menem.
During the meeting,
Clinton asked Menem to continue with economic reform
and protect democratic freedom.
Menem, in turn, asked Clinton to show him his bent penis.
Tomorrow, Chinese President Jiang Zemin begins a week-long visit
that could define U.S. relations with China for years to come.
President Clinton plans to ask Jiang for several things,
including human rights reform, trade expansion,
and a Chinese herb said to have the power to straighten a bent penis.
This week, an angry President Clinton demanded
the Congress stop dragging it