Name: Norm Macdonald Saving Conan Interviews
Uploaded: 2024-09-30T14:10:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Saving Conan Interviews' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Saving Conan Interviews' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-30. Transcript available.

My next guest has played Allison Parker, one of the many dysfunctional but
gorgeous residents of Melrose Place.
Please welcome Courtney Thorne-Smith.
Norm, you're sick and you're all over her, like a bare rug, just sleeping alone.
No, no, you know, because before, during the commercial, I was saying I had a
huge crush on her, and then you said you did too.
I said I did.
When you were on Day by Day, I developed this big crush on you, and this whole
talk show is a scheme to get you here.
I liked it when she was on the Tomorrow Show with Tom Snyder.
Not the Tomorrow Show, but the Later Later Show.
He says to me in the break.
You don't even know who I am.
Yeah, no, I know from that show, that's all.
He says to me, oh, I really like her, I saw her, I really think she's great, I
really have a crush on her, and I said, where, you know, oh, you saw her in the
last place?
He said, no, I was watching Tom Snyder, and she was on, and she was a great
guest, and I said, wait a minute, that's the show that's opposite our show.
Why weren't you watching our show, pal?
Because I wasn't on it that night.
All right, no, stay.
I dated a guy once, well, we dated and we broke up, and to get back together,
he gave me like this little G-string outfit, you know, like this little, and I
was like, wait a minute, that's for you, that's not for me.
So, stuff like that is not good.
Another guy gave me a keychain, a plastic keychain.
Well, that guy is a moron.
How do I get the supermodel back?
Hey, look, $1.99 at the airport.
I heart New Jersey.
Is that, he really gave you a keychain?
He gave me a plastic, I was going to bring it out, but I couldn't get it off of
my keys, so I left it backstage, but he gave me a keychain.
Why don't you bring out the G-string?
I love that my dirty uncle's here for this tonight.
I tell you what you got to do, you got to bring out that G-string.
And I'm like, don't, don't do that, that's not, that's not cool.
Yeah, thank you.
That's not cool.
I grew up in Alabama.
Multiple black eyes, landing on my butt a lot.
It took a little while.
Being crippled?
No.
I didn't, I didn't, no, no.
I should have, I should have warned you about him.
I know.
It's interesting what you say when you go, like, America's the greatest country
in the world or something,
because, like, imagine, like, you're just saying that in a county and you live
there,
because let's say you hear a guy who goes, hey, man, Kenya, that's the greatest
country in the world.
You better believe that.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Uh-oh.
We were at a party, man, remember?
We were.
We just, uh, are we allowed to even mention whose party it was?
Because it's, uh...
Oh, Jay Leno's.
No.
It's actually not true.
He would not have a party.
Don't trust me.
That's, uh, that's fine with me about that, Al.
I don't give a hoot.
I will say Kiki does not need tricks,
because I've never seen this breathtaking, uh, girl in my life.
And her smile is so genuine.
It's unbelievable.
Are you doing this to me?
Is it called nine and a half seconds?
You know, you know what happened?
This is what happened.
You know what happened?
He said nine and a half seconds,
and I'm looking at him because I know there's more.
No, I like guys who appeal to, like, the little, you know.
Wait a minute.
Why are you looking at yourself while she's here?
Because I'm deathly pale.
Look, see?
That was good.
I look like Nosferatu.
Conan, I don't know if you agree with me.
Oh, here we go, folks.
I've always felt that anything that does not kill you makes you very weak.
And almost killed.
Yeah.
This is a little bit like when Donnie, you met Marlowe.
You guys.
He said, you guys.
Here we go.
Even I don't get that one.
Hold on.
You're hilarious.
Yeah.
It was the first party I've been to in, like, 12 years.
But, uh, it was fun seeing Todd, man.
The hangover was awesome.
I hope the second one's...
Yeah.
Like, my son was like, I don't know how they can do it again.
You realize you're not going to get to any of your things you're hearing.
It's pretty much over now.
It's okay.
No, no, don't apologize.
This is what happens when Norm comes to town.
Well, praise to God, the hangover was one of the finest movies I've ever seen
in my life.
Yeah.
Well, the hangover, too, is going to be even better.
I hope, yeah.
That's a windmill.
It does not, in fact, pump water, but it's pretty.
I think everybody can enjoy, again, sturdy steel structure.
That's, uh...
You ever tilt at it?
What?
Tilt at the windmill?
Yeah, I thought that's what you did to them.
Wait, do you know Robert Duvall?
I do.
Norm.
Norm, you're killing my flow here.
I'm sorry.
It's a Zeppelin.
All right.
Are you talking about Milrose Falls?
No, because I...
You're the biggest ass I ever met.
I can't be for it.
No, because I swear to God, when I lived in L.A., I lived on the actual street
called Melrose Place.
There's an actual street.
There's a Melrose?
Is there really a Melrose Place?
There's really a Melrose Place.
Okay, all right.
You know this, right?
Yes, it's true.
So, they opened a restaurant called Melrose Place on it, and then it's right
beside my house.
And every time I go out, there's all these retards, like tourists.
And then these tourist retards, like they're all as fat, and they're taking
pictures, standing in front of this restaurant.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
All right, you've got to come back when this masher isn't here.
I've got to come back with all you guys.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like this lineup.
We've got to take this on the road.
I was thinking the same thing.
You guys want to all go on the road together and take this act around town?
I don't think I can survive it.
I mean, right now, if you were to take my post, you'd have to subtract eight.
Yeah.
Maybe if you want to come up with, like, where to grab it, and then call it
something, and I'll bring it out.
Oh, what about a little, uh, like...
Now, here we go.
Here we go.
Oh, no, she asked, but I like that crippler.
Yeah.
What about the long-suffering death?
Oh.
That's a different one.
That's different.
Let's watch her open this run up right here.
It'll be another big 900.
Oh, God.
Wowzers.
It actually looks easy.
Yeah.
I know.
No, I know it's not.
It's such a...
I don't mean to insult you in any way, because I know how difficult it is, but
because it's snow, you're like, whoo.
Yeah, like, I went to Vegas, uh, uh, a couple weeks ago, and a funny thing
happened.
Hey, Andy.
Hi.
And, uh, a funny thing happened there in, uh, Vegas, right?
I go there, you know, to gamble.
I meet a couple of midgets, you know?
A couple of midgets?
Yeah.
Little people, I call them.
Well, I don't think that, uh, I don't think of people as little people.
Okay, your word's better.
Yeah.
Go ahead, anyway.
You meet a couple of midgets.
Well, a lot of people in show business talk about the little people.
Right.
But I think everybody's the same.
The midgets, the regular people.
Oh, come on, okay.
You know?
We're all human beings.
We're all human beings.
We're all human beings.
That's good, you're not, that's good.
You have a good attitude.
Some of us are, you know, short and have weird big heads.
Anyway, these guys.
You're writing a book?
Yes.
How to be a model?
Yes.
The complete idiot's guide to getting into modeling.
So, like, rule number one, be incredibly beautiful?
Right.
I mean, what other things that you can do?
I have rule number two.
Yeah.
Don't be a midget.
No.
Stop it.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right, there it is.
Hey, hey, let me ask you this.
Did you ever toss a prostitute off a bridge?
Uh, what's the first one?
No.
It must be.
I'm going to ask you a quick question.
Oh, good God.
I'm sorry.
When I pick up the blue...
Why is it that in some sports, like beach volleyball or snowboarding, the women
are breathtakingly beautiful.
And you would think there would be big, you know, like, big, you'd think there'd
be big monsters of ladies.
Why would you think that, though?
Well, like softball.
We can't be.
We mean, we mean, we're good people, too.
That's what I'm trying to do.
But, uh, what's the movie going to be called?
I know what it's going to be called.
Yeah, what's that?
If it's got carrot top in it, you know what a good name for it would be?
What's that, Norm?
Box office poison.
And there's two.
She's in it.
What about my career?
Courtney Thorne-Smith, the girl sitting to your left, is in the movie.
I'm going to go see it for some reason.
How do you steer everybody else away?
No, I love this girl.
I would see any movie with this girl in.
She's a beautiful lady, and a talented, nice talk show guest.
As evidenced by her appearance on our rival show.
All right, well, there's this two-hour season finale of Melrose Place.
There's this movie coming out.
Yes.
Title undetermined at this point.
Chairman of the board.
Oh, all right.
Do something with that, you freak.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.
We're going to take a break now.
We're going to have collective soul in a second.
Courtney Thorne-Smith.
We hope she's still our friend.
We're going to have to go up here.