Name: NYC # 1MASTERBATER
Uploaded: 2016-02-03T15:31:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'NYC # 1MASTERBATER' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'NYC # 1MASTERBATER' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-02-03. Transcript available.

It's me, Tony Cabarabi, we're here live in New Jersey at the Estradica Expo,
and I'm
New York City's number one masturbator.
We're talking fucking and sucking.
Keep talking.
You like jerking up?
Sometimes.
Yeah.
Depends on the day.
It's the best, the bad day to jerk off and make it number one, right?
Yeah, you got that right.
What's your name?
Niles Patel.
What is it?
Niles Patel.
What are you looking for here tonight?
Internet.
Internet?
Yeah.
You want to find the internet?
Yeah.
The best part of jerking off for me is when you come, right?
Yes, yes.
That's the best part, right?
Yeah.
Hands down.
Did you get the empanadas?
No.
It's delicious, good ass food called empanadas.
I had a girlfriend once get one of those.
The battery fell out and the acid fell inside of her.
Does your product do that?
We're based in Tampa, Florida.
Tampa, dude.
Tampa's awesome.
Dude, I love Tampa.
I went down there once when I was in seventh grade.
Once in seventh grade.
I love you.
I want to go back.
I want to save up enough money to go.
I was going to say, this is a little bit different than when you were in
seventh grade.
Dude, I wish I could see this when I was that age, you know what I mean?
Jerking off, right?
Jerking off's the best and coming is good too.
How do I feel spiritually?
Because I love jerking off.
I think God wants us to jerk off and stuff like that.
I don't come out of my hand.
I come inside of a Tupperware container and throw it out.
Sex swing, dude.
This is for little kids.
I had to pay five hours to feel a girl's tits, and I liked it.
It's called the money gun.
Hey man, imagine if like an alien came down and had sex, right?
That'd be funny.
Yeah, or some like fucking weird-ass fly that could like give you head, right?
Do you ever think about that?
Uh, no, I never thought about that.
Okay.
What's your like ultimate fantasy?
Well, it's making love to a beautiful girl.
Hi, what's your name?
Reggie.
What, can you tell us about what this is?
Absolutely, we have handmade chainmail jewelry.
Can this protect you, is this like a spiritual quality to it?
This is more for a more personal combat.
There's a girl that works at CVS, and I want to get her something to make her
like,
want to like trick her into falling in love with me.
You think this will work?
Absolutely.
What girl does that like jewelry?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
It's good.
When the weather's hot and sticky, that's no time for Duncan Dickey.
When the frost is on the pumpkin, that's the time for Dickey Duncan.
That's about fucking pumpkins, right?
Yeah.
Right.
Is he like tinned ass?
Yeah.
Imagine an ass bit out of tits.
Damn.
God's real.
God ain't no, God ain't no fucking joke.
God's real.
He wants us to fucking jerk off.
It will stroke hands-free, you adjust the stroke length and the stroke speed.
It can go up to 300 strokes per minute.
Let me get this straight.
You flew from Ecuador to New Jersey to come to this event.
You're right.
Yeah.
Dude, that's fucking sick as shit.
And they got empanadas, right?
Yes, right.
How much is this, they think like the Illuminati did 9/11 and it's called loose
change.
If you just type it on YouTube, you can check it out.
All right.
Thank you.
No problem.
Have a good night.
May God bless you.
Are you a Republican, Democrat?
What are you?
I am a sex toy salesman.
I don't believe in politics.
Yes, I voted last election and I did not vote for the person who's at all.
Does that help?
Barack Obama.
Yeah.
I don't like Barack Obama either, right?
I'm not a fan.
Well, I think we got to build a wall between Mexico and the United States.
Fucking hell yeah, dude.
I just don't feel like I should have to pay for like everybody's health
insurance.
I have a hard time paying for my own health insurance, let alone paying for
everybody else's.
I know for a fact that I pay $450 a month just for my children's health
insurance.
Can you make it go faster?
I can.
Do you like that?
You get to feel it all the way down to your balls, right?
A little bit.
Okay.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Well, there you have it.
We went to the Pornography Expo and we learned how to jerk off.
Night Rider, Kit.
Night Rider.
Night Rider.
Night Rider.
Night Rider number one.
Night Rider.
Night Rider number one.