Name: RNC Cleveland: A Truth Hunters Special report
Uploaded: 2016-07-28T16:21:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'RNC Cleveland: A Truth Hunters Special report' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'RNC Cleveland: A Truth Hunters Special report' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-28. Transcript available.

Hey, it's me, your boy, Mark Sievers,
Truders.com, so we're down here in Cleveland at the Republican National
Convention,
we're about to watch Donald Trump ascend to the throne of the presidency,
Donald Trump!
Hello, my name is Mark Sievers, and I'm a truth hunter.
I'd like to tell you a little bit about myself, here's my story, and please, do
not talk
while I am talking.
I am from Rosemont, Illinois, a small town just outside of Chicago, 10 minutes
from the
airport, with a strong hotel and car wash-based economy.
My website, truth hunters.com, has been growing non-stop for the past two years
into a reliable
news source for American citizens who are woke and who want to know what is
really going on
in the world today.
I am the white Morpheus who will unplug the world from the NPR Matrix.
Have you guys seen the Matrix yet?
The Matrix?
Yeah, yeah.
No.
I'm having a viewing tonight, I'm trying to get some people together to come
down.
And where are you staying?
We're staying at the Ritz-Carlton.
I came here and I got a nice little tent set up at the Hollywood video parking
lot.
I mean, just think about the hundreds of people that got amazing videos for
Rentier and it
was shut down because of Obama.
Check it out.
I'm Michael Jackson.
It is sweet.
We're going to be watching The Matrix later tonight if you want to come by.
I brought our whole family with us.
I got my son and my daughter.
You want to get dinner?
Why, you buying?
I got some cans.
And of course, Daddy's favorite, clams.
See, you want to come back to my tent later tonight?
I did not save.
Where's your tent?
It's at the Hollywood video over at Lorraine and Franklin.
Let's serve y'all.
Why don't throw a curveball?
Let's get it like a kitty baby.
Let's get a curveball.
I got canned corn and some canned tamales.
Next subject, I'm saving my cum.
I have not cum in four months.
Like a boxer.
I feel stronger and wiser because of it.
I'm doing this because I want the superhuman testosterone levels
in order to support Donald Trump and register more voters.
Because when Donald Trump is elected, he will be the country's daddy.
And then I will finally be able to drain myself in a ceremony
that I will do alone in my bedroom.
Do you like eating eggs?
What are these two young ladies doing up past the curfew?
Trump already has it all.
He doesn't need to be president.
He's just doing it as a fun little challenge for himself.
And also God told him in a dream that he needs to be president.
Trump is the dad that I never had.
And when I look at little young Barron, I'm filled with jealous rage.
I wish I could be turned into a baby and raised by Donald Trump.
Have him teach me how to shave.
Have him teach me how to ride my bike.
Take me to a brothel when I'm 14 to lose my virginity.
I know for a fact he's had more sex than any presidential nominee in U.S.
history.
You look at someone like Jeb Bush, that guy can't even push semen out of his
penis.
Can I convince you to vote for Donald Trump?
Never.
How's the truth on going?
It's going pretty good.
Mostly I'm fine on horse shit, you know what I mean?
I'm from Rosemont, and we got a big tranny problem down there.
We do.
They hide out in the bars, and they try to trick people.
Can you please turn off the fountains?
Who controls the fountains here?
It's absolutely gorgeous horses over here.
Look at these guys.
How you doing, buddy?
Hi.
The mane kind of looks like a beautiful girl's hair, right?
If that horse wanted to, it could kill all three of us.
Exactly.
Trump has a big, fat, fanny cock, and he's going to put an element of ISIS's
face, and he's
going to smash all over him.
He's going to pump their face full of his seed.
What's the craziest thing you've seen on your mechanical bull?
I have seen two lesbians on my mechanical bull.
What?
Man, come on.
And Obama is a divider.
Obama is a divider.
Hey, we can all unite.
We can all unite.
We can all unite.
We can all unite that Michael Jackson is a best recording artist in the history
of America,
right?
We've got to have you.
It's all about America.
Right?
Michael Jackson.
Sir, can you stop yelling in my ear?
A few words on Michael Jackson.
Our racial divisions could be solved by one thing.
By listening to Michael Jackson's Black or White.
Michael was so committed to ending racial problems that he even tried to turn
himself white.
Come on.
Yeah, she gets it.
Oh, my speech.
I lost myself.
An Obama drone came and tried to blow my speech off the podium.
Oh, absolutely.
Just this is heaven on wheels.
I decided to go back to my tent and veg out.
You know, just be me.
As I sat and reflected on what the Trump presidency would look like, I got real
happy.
Nobody came to my Matrix watch party.
That's okay.
I didn't have the Matrix on DVD, a DVD player, or a television.
I can't stop thinking about what the world's going to be like when he's elected.
I'll have five DVD players.
I'll have the Matrix 1, 2, and 3 on DVD.
You, me, and Dupree, and the Dark Knight.
Tomorrow, when I get on that convention floor and Donald Trump makes direct eye
contact with me,
he'll stop the speech and say,
You are my new son.
Come up on the stage, son.
I will go up on the stage, and as I walk up,
my tattered rags will turn into a beautiful Armani suit.
And he'll take me in and he'll say,
This is my new son.
This is the heir to America.
I love you, son.
I love you, father.
I'm going to get some shut-eye.
Tomorrow's going to be a big day.
He's got to struggle a little bit.
Hillary Clinton.
Two words.
Ben-Gazi.
Because of her negligence,
she let over 6 million people die
in the attacks at a hotel in the Italian town of Benghazi.
Okay, let's look at the facts.
Hillary Clinton voted for the Iraq War,
Obamacare,
death panels,
and the Trans-Pacific Pipeline.
A pipeline between China
and the Pacific Coast of California
that trans people will be able to travel freely through.
Hillary loves piss.
It is well documented that December 17, 1998,
Hillary drank 8 gallons of piss on the Senate floor.
She did so in order to prove that she is not human.
And the United States government did nothing about it.
I am the only one that knows this.
A truthenters.com had a groundbreaking special report
on the Hillary Clinton piss gate.
No, she belongs in a sewer in a prison,
you know what I mean?
Swimming around and...
I wouldn't want to fence sewers like that, dude.
Oh, yeah, that's...
Yeah, the sewer would be like,
get this piece of shit out of me.
Or do sewers like shit?
We don't know,
because sewers can't talk.
I am the only one who can see the light.
I am the only one who is woke.
From my heart to the sky,
I love you, Donald Trump.
From my heart to the sky,
I love you, Donald Trump.
The Dark Knight is my second favorite movie.
The Matrix is my first favorite movie.
The Dark Knight is my second favorite movie.
Time after time,
truthenters.com has reached out to
traditional news sources in order to collaborate.
And time after time,
they slap my hand away.
And they say,
no, get out of here.
Get away from our news van.
Do not touch our VCRs.
Do not try to touch our reporters.
We don't want to not tell you
how we'd make our microphones sound good.
Or how to film things.
These fucking journalists are against me.
Every last one of them.
They see that I'm a truth hunter.
All right, yeah, go ahead.
Bye-bye.
Damn it.
And if I'm being honest,
I'm pretty sure everyone is against me.
I feel like the human version of Israel.
Extremely strong and surrounded by enemies.
Constantly under attack.
Just for the mere fact that I exist.
Hey, do you know how you get in the convention?
Pardon me, brother?
Do you know how you get in the convention?
Yeah, with a pass.
Hey, brother.
How do you get a pass?
How do you get a pass?
Hey, do you guys get extra passes at the convention?
Do we have?
Yeah, do you have extra?
How do you get in the convention?
Hey, you already have been cleared by the Secret Service.
You gotta get your, yeah, Secret Service,
and you gotta get your credentials
like we got in, like, weeks before.
And I can't even get into this convention.
I said, I'm fucked up pretty bad.
God damn it.
Fuck.
But apparently, you need press credentials.
Months ago.
Why do you know that?
Can you cut me some slack?
No.
I wish I could help you.
Help you?
Okay.
All right.
You have a good one.
God damn it.
They won't let me at the convention.
They won't let me in at all.
They say that I'm not press.
That everybody's against me.
Again, I'm a failure.
I tried my hardest to get in the convention,
and I was not able to.
I went back to my campsite.
And I was at my lowest,
and I was ready to give up.
And then I met somebody
who's a true angel.
But you people of Cleveland
probably know him better
by his name.
Super Pimp.
Are you all right?
No, I'm pretty bummed out.
Well, I'm gonna tell you what.
My name is Mike Super Pimp.
This is my town.
I'm the king of downtown Cleveland.
If you're in my town,
you have no right
to not have a gay-ass smile
on your face.
What we need to do
is to get you back in shape here.
Do you have any other clothes
other than this?
Yeah, I got some dress clothes
in my tent.
Should I change into them?
Well, I'm gonna tell you what.
My rule is,
if you want to feel good,
you gotta look good.
So if we're gonna spruce you up here
to be a new man,
let's get you in those clothes,
and we'll get this process
on the road.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I am.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I am.
Let's get it.
Yeah, all right.
I'm gonna change.
Well, what do you think?
How do I look?
I'll tell you what, man.
It's not perfect,
but we could make it work.
Next thing we're gonna need to do
is we're gonna need to get rid
of this hat.
No politics in the house tonight.
This is all about cheering.
So let's put this right over here,
and you're looking better already.
Are you feeling better?
I'm feeling good.
Are you feeling better?
I'm feeling good.
Feel it.
Now what we're gonna do
is that we need to show off
the new man.
Feel like a new man?
I'm feeling it already, Superfan.
Let's show off the new man.
All right.
Let's go.
So this is what it's like
to be in a picture.
He took me around town,
and we had a good fucking time.
You know what I mean?
We chilled out.
It was great.
Superfan's the man.
Everybody loves him.
I guess this is what it feels like
to be liked.
What is the secret to all of it?
What do I do to be more like you?
The secret is to make other people happy?
You need to stop and take a real good look
at that statement.
Make other people happy.
Bring a smile to somebody else's face.
If you make other people happy,
it will come back to you
in ways you've never had.
And I'm talking about equality,
and it's you either you're wrong
or you're right.
Wow.
Spending the evening with Superpimp
was the most coolest thing
I've ever done in my entire life.
That guy takes photos,
and the girls like to talk to him.
And hey, I'll be around while he does it.
And he told me that there's more to life
than politics,
and that the goal of life
is to spread your happiness.
To all Americans tonight,
in all of our cities,
and in all of our towns,
I make this promise.
We will make America strong again.
We will make America proud again.
We will make America safe again.
And we will make America great again.
God bless you,
and good night.
I love you.
In conclusion,
it doesn't matter if you're black or white
or Christian or Muslim.
All that matters is
Donald Trump is better than us.
He's the number one money man
who will lead us out of this
fucked up Obama nightmare
and into a Trump future
of gold and silk
and honey and milk.
Pit milk for models
who lactate without even having babies.
And everybody will have
a $100 bill in their pocket,
and they will fuck all night.
And the world will be covered
in exotic, rare birds.
No more seagulls.
Fuck seagulls.
I hate them.
They are the Muslims of the sky.
In conclusion,
vote for Donald Trump,
and we will fuck all night
until the jet fighters come home.
Cleveland,
do you smell
what the Trump
is
cooking?
Cookin'.
Come on!