Name: Outlet Mall Special Ops
Uploaded: 2017-12-18T16:40:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Outlet Mall Special Ops' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Outlet Mall Special Ops' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-18. Transcript available.

Hump!
Hump!
Hump!
Hump!
Hump!
Hump!
Hump!
The Pleasant Prairie Premium Outlet Malls
is strategically located on the Wisconsin-Illinois border,
a high-value target for ISIS.
And this is the man who protects it.
My name is Scott Andrews,
and I protect the Pleasant Prairie Outlet Malls
FOR ISIS!
Every day I wake up, I come down here to the Outlet Malls,
which is the number one target in my area,
and I kind of search for bombs and shit,
make sure there's no ISIS-MFers walking around.
I guess you could say I don't have any military experience,
but I have seen the Benghazi movie over 200 times.
Boop, gang!
I'm a brand!
I first saw the Benghazi movie and I was like,
WTF is this?
How did this happen?
Why did this happen?
Why did this happen?
And can this happen in my area?
So I started taking a look at what was,
you know, the targets in my area of Kenosa, Wisconsin,
and I realized that the most valuable target
is the Pleasant Prairie Outlet Malls
just outside of the city.
I read statistics that are, like, so fucked up
that you would never even believe, like,
300 people every day die taking a shit at McDonald's.
I do hope that there is an attack, though.
If I'm being honest, I mean,
I don't want to fucking come down here for nothing.
You know what I mean?
Let me know if you see ISIS.
I go on 4chan all the time.
I look at sick fucking shit on 4chan.
I look at sick fucking shit on Reddit.
You see anything suspicious?
All right, let me know.
I'm just trying to make sure nothing pops off.
No ISIS stuff.
Let me know if you see any ISIS people, okay?
Keep it going, come on.
Go, go, go, go.
Let me tell you something.
You're going to love the clothes of Eddie Bauer, okay?
Don't worry, you're safe.
See any, like, ISIS guys or anything like that?
I'm married, too, so, you know.
But she used to be my stepsister.
This is Janet.
She's my wife and ex-stepsister.
Our parents were wearing noise-canceling headphones walking down the train
tracks.
Then a train came and their bodies exploded into ground beef.
But it's okay because it let us be able to get married.
He's my husband and my brother.
And she's my sister and my wife.
Don't you think these NFL players should stand?
Yes.
Yeah, right?
Right?
Sick of this.
I think he is a hero.
He gives his life every day to the outlet malls.
And no one fakes him.
Every day he tells me how grateful he is to the outlet malls.
And how blessed he is to have access to its premium brands.
These aren't just fucking brands.
These are members of my family.
They sit at my table.
I welcome Calvin Klein into my house.
Skechers is my uncle.
Oskash Bagash is my little cousin that's nasty.
But he's funny too.
Brands aren't companies to me.
They're people that I want in my house.
Brands are the only thing in my life.
I don't give an app about my family.
I care about the outlet mall.
I'm prepared to fucking die for the outlet mall.
I went to a tooth doctor once and he said,
"What the fuck is going on with your mouth, son?"
And I was like, "I like candy.
I like Pepsi.
I like Sprite.
I like hot dogs."
And he was like, "I can't fucking tell."
Then he's like, "Hey!"
Hey!