Name: Guys Day
Uploaded: 2018-02-19T15:30:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Guys Day' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Guys Day' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-19. Transcript available.

Dude, dude, dude, just listen to me, okay?
Today, no drama, no girls fucking with us, no parking ticket.
It's just the guys, man. Me and you back together like high school.
Eating pancakes and being savage.
This weekend, we're in AC, and we're gonna get screwed up, man!
We're all gonna get screwed up! We're all about to get screwed up, man.
I wanna be dead! Yeah, no!
Tonight's gonna be a good night. Tonight's gonna be a good, good night.
The Casino's is the best.
Let's live it up.
Do you understand the words that you're coming up out there?
Yeah!
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
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The Casino's is the best.
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Oh, damn, dude.
I didn't tell you.
I went to a One Direction concert.
I was double fisting, man.
Where'd you go with?
Myself.
But it was to meet girls and shit.
Did you meet any girls?
I mean, how old were the girls?
Were they young?
Different ages.
Yeah?
That's what's good about being single in our age, in our 30s, man.
Cause you could play both sides.
You can either date 20 year olds.
Or 30 year olds.
Or you can even go 40 year olds.
You could date 50 year olds.
Dog, you can date 60 year olds.
You could date 70 year olds.
Dude, you can date 80 year olds.
Dog, you can date 90 year olds.
Dude, you could date 100 year olds.
Dog, you could date 110 year olds.
Dog, you could date anybody.
What?
I wasn't listening.
My son doesn't want to do anything.
He's a gamer?
He plays.
He plays Minecraft.
Not too much Minecraft, but stuff.
What do you call it?
Legos.
Oh.
This guy wants to invest in the Lego movie.
Lego movie.
Yeah.
He loves Legos.
How old are they?
My daughter 15.
My son 14.
What?
When did you have them?
When you were three?
You're gonna have babies when you're three.
Well, because you look 18, 19.
Come on.
Thank you for the compliments.
You're welcome.
I think you've been drinking too much yesterday.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Maybe.
He drinks every day, yeah.
They're really lucky to have you at Enterprise.
Seriously.
Thanks, man.
That's like, you're their most valued asset.
The corporate culture is what sucked me in.
Yeah.
For sure.
Because there's different volleyball leagues and bowling leagues that people
sign up for.
Shit.
But I don't come for money, man.
I'm like lucky.
My mom, like I'm making more money than my mom and my dad combined at
Enterprise.
And they're like so successful for me.
And they like, like me a lot now.
Do you like working at 1-800-GOT-JUNK?
No, I wish I would get hurt so I could get a workman's cop.
Did you put wasabi in the sushi?
Uh-uh.
I put it in his coffee.
I put the wasabi in my coffee.
Don't do that.
It waits until it gets you up.
Hey, you can tell me not to do something, but I'm going to do it twice.
That's for real.
That's for real.
That's for real.
Without you, baby.
So if you need me, if you want me to put it on you.
Because I love you.
Yeah.
Don't you forget it.
Whenever you need me, if you want me to put it on you.
To put it on you, come on
I'm so happy to be away from my family, from my wife, from my fucking bitch,
kid
Cigarettes are the best
And one hitters and bongs and two hitters
Oh dude, check it out
That's a coke bag
Open it, let's do it
Oh shit, it's all gone
Damn, it's out
Do you guys see a movie "It"?
No
Oh, don't see it, it's messed up
Don't see it
That movie "It" could happen
Yeah, it could
When I saw on Google where there were so many people that died
Yeah
From heart attacks
Yeah
From watching that movie "It"
"It" yeah
I know there's like 1500 people like got injured or died watching "It"
There was one part where the big clown pops out of the projector and I just
went, puked on a seven year old girl sitting next to me, I felt so bad
I mean he actually comes out the projector?
Yeah
Who do you think would win in a fight? "It" or paranormal activity?
He used to, he used to, he works at Airpries, he won't stop working, you know
what I mean?
You know, you know what I mean?
Fucking bitch, I'll fucking kill your ass
Yeah, I'll fucking kill both of you
Both of you motherfuckers, I don't care
I got caught getting my dick sucked by my general manager and my wife kicked me
out of the house
So my guy over here took me down to AC, get fucked up this weekend, you know
what I mean, right?
I got two tickets to the Taj Mahal
Yeah, yeah, a full count
Did you know that when they kill a pig, they make sure that it has a boner and
then they cut the boner off and freeze it and they sell it as an extra hot dog
Yeah, I'll get out of here
Yeah, they might, we went to high school together and they wouldn't let us walk
on stage for graduation
So we showed up anyway with aluminum baseball bats and we beat the shit out of
the podium that the principal was standing at and it broke it down
Let's behave yourself, I can't open up the door and get into here
Yeah, right, you were probably jerking off too
Oh dude, no, hell no, hell no
I was dating this one girl, she looked like Stacy Dash and I was in her room hooking
up with her
and then all of a sudden about seven of her kids kicked out the door and
started stabbing me with syringes
Yeah, it was messed up
You guys are dangerous, man
I know, man
My guy, my cousin worked for Marilyn Manson and he said that he caught him
fucking and said Marilyn Manson had sex with the devil
Can I tell you one thing though? That movie Bob's Burger could happen
Do you guys know, is there a 420 friendly Quiznos around here?
We can rip the seats out of all the backs of the car so you can get back there
and just fuck your girl
See that shit? See that shit? See this nasty fucker?
You can just get back there and fuck your girl
You can just rip the seats out and get back there and fuck your girl
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Everybody
Everybody
My name is Poo
My name is Sika Sika Sim Shady
Hi kids
Do you like silence?
Do you want to see me eat nine inch nails with each one of my eyelids?
Can I just say man
I'm sad my wife caught me getting a blowjob and is divorcing me but
One cool thing is it's brought you back into my life
This guy's day has been awesome
Don't you feel better that you're away from her?
I feel better
I feel like I just haven't seen you in so long
My man
Well you can thank me for tipping your wife off about you getting a blowjob
from your general manager
What?
Yeah I knew it worked
I got my boy out of the house by telling his wife Kelly that Angela was going
to be giving him a blowjob at 1-800-GOT-JUNK
I got my best friend back
What did you do?
What did you do?
What's that?
You said you tipped my wife off?
About me getting a blowjob from my general manager?
No dog I said Michael Keaton is a damager
What are you doing?
You fucking call my wife?
Chill!
Chill!
Chill!
Chill!
Chill!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Come on then
Oh!
The fuck?
Chill!
Are you fucking serious dude?
That's my fucking wife that's my fucking life
You fucking destroyed that
It's all I fucking have
No one wants to fucking hang out with you
Cause all you do is fucking hang out with eight year olds
And you fucking work at Enterprise like a fucking piece of shit
I might work at 1-800-GOT-JUNK
I'm trying to better myself
I'm trying to get a job as a prison guard
Every day of my life
So I can feed my son
And he can have more money than me and have me killed
On his 21st birthday
Fucking make this shit
Okay, shut the fuck up
I did tip her off, okay?
Big deal
I tipped her off, I'm helping you
I'd say to help you
Then you should thank me
Your relationship is toxic
You owe me for doing that
You guys have done nothing but cheat on each other
Since the inception
The movie
And
You should be happy
You don't have to deal with it anymore, okay?
Good
And so what?
Enterprise isn't fucking whatever it is, okay?
I like it
You got good customer service, dude
No, no one over there likes me
Because I didn't pay my fantasy football dues
For the past few years
I just wanted somebody to fucking hang with
Because
I'm
A better friend to you
Than she is a wife
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck, man?
I'm sorry, man
I'm sorry that I fucked up
What the fuck, dude?
I don't ever fucking cry
I'm not fucking gay
I'm not fucking gay
I'm not gay
I'm not gay
I'm not gay
I'm not gay
I'm sorry that I fucked up.
What the fuck, dude?
I don't ever fucking cry.
I'm not fucking gay.
I fuck.
I fuck.
I'm the one that fucks.
I'm not gay.
I don't get fucked.
I don't do it.
Sometimes I fuck.
I don't get fucked.
I do the fuck.
I do the fuck.
Sometimes I'm fucking.
I'm fucking.
I fuck hard.
I'm fucking sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've never fucking cried.
I can't fucking believe this shit.
I'm sorry I cried, but I fucking miss you, dude.
Fuck this shit, dude.
Look, look, look, look.
We're in Atlantic City.
It's beautiful.
It's raining.
Let's have some fucking fun, dude.
Tonight, no drama.
No girls fucking with us.
No parking tickets.
It's just the guys, man.
You and me back together just like in high school.
Eating pancakes and being savage.
This weekend, we're getting screwed up.
Hey, let's get it now.
Ooh, I want the time of my life.
Oh, baby.
Ooh, give me the time.
Hey, let's get it now.
Ooh, I want the time of my life.
Oh, baby.
Oh, dude, this is so fun.
It's a blast.
I'm having the best.
Dude, this is awesome.
Hey, sometimes if I'm being unreal, sometimes I want to kill myself.
Dude, don't say that.
That's not true.
It is.
No, seriously.
No, you just need to drink more.
I don't know what to do.
I need help.
I don't know what to do.
Drink more water, dude.
Yeah?
You should just get one of those milk jugs, but the ones with the water in it.
Sometimes it's like so deep inside me, I like don't want to be alone.
Like it's like.
Right, right.
I know.
You just drink a gallon of water.
You just mark eight different times on the day.
Drink up to the line.
You'll finish one of those a day.
And just if you drink enough water, you'll feel better about yourself.
Some, but what if that doesn't work?
Are you eating bananas?
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.
You'll finish one of those a day.

Guys Day

Dude, dude, dude, just listen to me, okay?
Today, no drama, no girls fucking with us, no parking ticket.
It's just the guys, man. Me and you back together like high school.
Eating pancakes and being savage.
This weekend, we're in AC, and we're gonna get screwed up, man!
We're all gonna get screwed up! We're all about to get screwed up, man.
I wanna be dead! Yeah, no!
Tonight's gonna be a good night. Tonight's gonna be a good, good night.
The Casino's is the best.
Let's live it up.
Do you understand the words that you're coming up out there?
Yeah!
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
The Casino's is the best.
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Oh, damn, dude.
I didn't tell you.
I went to a One Direction concert.
I was double fisting, man.
Where'd you go with?
Myself.
But it was to meet girls and shit.
Did you meet any girls?
I mean, how old were the girls?
Were they young?
Different ages.
Yeah?
That's what's good about being single in our age, in our 30s, man.
Cause you could play both sides.
You can either date 20 year olds.
Or 30 year olds.
Or you can even go 40 year olds.
You could date 50 year olds.
Dog, you can date 60 year olds.
You could date 70 year olds.
Dude, you can date 80 year olds.
Dog, you can date 90 year olds.
Dude, you could date 100 year olds.
Dog, you could date 110 year olds.
Dog, you could date anybody.
What?
I wasn't listening.
My son doesn't want to do anything.
He's a gamer?
He plays.
He plays Minecraft.
Not too much Minecraft, but stuff.
What do you call it?
Legos.
Oh.
This guy wants to invest in the Lego movie.
Lego movie.
Yeah.
He loves Legos.
How old are they?
My daughter 15.
My son 14.
What?
When did you have them?
When you were three?
You're gonna have babies when you're three.
Well, because you look 18, 19.
Come on.
Thank you for the compliments.
You're welcome.
I think you've been drinking too much yesterday.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Maybe.
He drinks every day, yeah.
They're really lucky to have you at Enterprise.
Seriously.
Thanks, man.
That's like, you're their most valued asset.
The corporate culture is what sucked me in.
Yeah.
For sure.
Because there's different volleyball leagues and bowling leagues that people
sign up for.
Shit.
But I don't come for money, man.
I'm like lucky.
My mom, like I'm making more money than my mom and my dad combined at
Enterprise.
And they're like so successful for me.
And they like, like me a lot now.
Do you like working at 1-800-GOT-JUNK?
No, I wish I would get hurt so I could get a workman's cop.
Did you put wasabi in the sushi?
Uh-uh.
I put it in his coffee.
I put the wasabi in my coffee.
Don't do that.
It waits until it gets you up.
Hey, you can tell me not to do something, but I'm going to do it twice.
That's for real.
That's for real.
That's for real.
Without you, baby.
So if you need me, if you want me to put it on you.
Because I love you.
Yeah.
Don't you forget it.
Whenever you need me, if you want me to put it on you.
To put it on you, come on
I'm so happy to be away from my family, from my wife, from my fucking bitch,
kid
Cigarettes are the best
And one hitters and bongs and two hitters
Oh dude, check it out
That's a coke bag
Open it, let's do it
Oh shit, it's all gone
Damn, it's out
Do you guys see a movie "It"?
No
Oh, don't see it, it's messed up
Don't see it
That movie "It" could happen
Yeah, it could
When I saw on Google where there were so many people that died
Yeah
From heart attacks
Yeah
From watching that movie "It"
"It" yeah
I know there's like 1500 people like got injured or died watching "It"
There was one part where the big clown pops out of the projector and I just
went, puked on a seven year old girl sitting next to me, I felt so bad
I mean he actually comes out the projector?
Yeah
Who do you think would win in a fight? "It" or paranormal activity?
He used to, he used to, he works at Airpries, he won't stop working, you know
what I mean?
You know, you know what I mean?
Fucking bitch, I'll fucking kill your ass
Yeah, I'll fucking kill both of you
Both of you motherfuckers, I don't care
I got caught getting my dick sucked by my general manager and my wife kicked me
out of the house
So my guy over here took me down to AC, get fucked up this weekend, you know
what I mean, right?
I got two tickets to the Taj Mahal
Yeah, yeah, a full count
Did you know that when they kill a pig, they make sure that it has a boner and
then they cut the boner off and freeze it and they sell it as an extra hot dog
Yeah, I'll get out of here
Yeah, they might, we went to high school together and they wouldn't let us walk
on stage for graduation
So we showed up anyway with aluminum baseball bats and we beat the shit out of
the podium that the principal was standing at and it broke it down
Let's behave yourself, I can't open up the door and get into here
Yeah, right, you were probably jerking off too
Oh dude, no, hell no, hell no
I was dating this one girl, she looked like Stacy Dash and I was in her room hooking
up with her
and then all of a sudden about seven of her kids kicked out the door and
started stabbing me with syringes
Yeah, it was messed up
You guys are dangerous, man
I know, man
My guy, my cousin worked for Marilyn Manson and he said that he caught him
fucking and said Marilyn Manson had sex with the devil
Can I tell you one thing though? That movie Bob's Burger could happen
Do you guys know, is there a 420 friendly Quiznos around here?
We can rip the seats out of all the backs of the car so you can get back there
and just fuck your girl
See that shit? See that shit? See this nasty fucker?
You can just get back there and fuck your girl
You can just rip the seats out and get back there and fuck your girl
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Let's get retarded
Everybody
Everybody
My name is Poo
My name is Sika Sika Sim Shady
Hi kids
Do you like silence?
Do you want to see me eat nine inch nails with each one of my eyelids?
Can I just say man
I'm sad my wife caught me getting a blowjob and is divorcing me but
One cool thing is it's brought you back into my life
This guy's day has been awesome
Don't you feel better that you're away from her?
I feel better
I feel like I just haven't seen you in so long
My man
Well you can thank me for tipping your wife off about you getting a blowjob
from your general manager
What?
Yeah I knew it worked
I got my boy out of the house by telling his wife Kelly that Angela was going
to be giving him a blowjob at 1-800-GOT-JUNK
I got my best friend back
What did you do?
What did you do?
What's that?
You said you tipped my wife off?
About me getting a blowjob from my general manager?
No dog I said Michael Keaton is a damager
What are you doing?
You fucking call my wife?
Chill!
Chill!
Chill!
Chill!
Chill!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Come on then
Oh!
The fuck?
Chill!
Are you fucking serious dude?
That's my fucking wife that's my fucking life
You fucking destroyed that
It's all I fucking have
No one wants to fucking hang out with you
Cause all you do is fucking hang out with eight year olds
And you fucking work at Enterprise like a fucking piece of shit
I might work at 1-800-GOT-JUNK
I'm trying to better myself
I'm trying to get a job as a prison guard
Every day of my life
So I can feed my son
And he can have more money than me and have me killed
On his 21st birthday
Fucking make this shit
Okay, shut the fuck up
I did tip her off, okay?
Big deal
I tipped her off, I'm helping you
I'd say to help you
Then you should thank me
Your relationship is toxic
You owe me for doing that
You guys have done nothing but cheat on each other
Since the inception
The movie
And
You should be happy
You don't have to deal with it anymore, okay?
Good
And so what?
Enterprise isn't fucking whatever it is, okay?
I like it
You got good customer service, dude
No, no one over there likes me
Because I didn't pay my fantasy football dues
For the past few years
I just wanted somebody to fucking hang with
Because
I'm
A better friend to you
Than she is a wife
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck, man?
I'm sorry, man
I'm sorry that I fucked up
What the fuck, dude?
I don't ever fucking cry
I'm not fucking gay
I'm not fucking gay
I'm not gay
I'm not gay
I'm not gay
I'm not gay
I'm sorry that I fucked up.
What the fuck, dude?
I don't ever fucking cry.
I'm not fucking gay.
I fuck.
I fuck.
I'm the one that fucks.
I'm not gay.
I don't get fucked.
I don't do it.
Sometimes I fuck.
I don't get fucked.
I do t