Name: Bike Talk Show (only talk show on a bike )
Uploaded: 2020-06-29T16:14:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bike Talk Show (only talk show on a bike )' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bike Talk Show (only talk show on a bike )' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-29. Transcript available.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to the Bike Talk Show. It is me, your host, Connor O'Malley.
I won't hurt you. I'm going to be the nicest guy you've ever met.
Please! Like me!
California girls are unacceptable!
Enough of the business. Let's get to the monologue. Let's get to the jokes,
everyone's favorite part of the show.
Here we go!
President Trump is in the news. He has announced that he is going to stop
police brutality by teaming up with Omaze.com to create a real Robocop using
the Jack Ryan guy.
He's going to put him inside of a robot body, and he's going to be forced to
watch one hour of oddly satisfying videos in order to de-escalate and make him
relax.
I don't know about you guys, but I feel like I've been socially distanced for
the past 50 years.
But our boy Tucker Carlson is in the news. He said that he has plans to fuck
one of them big nasty birds.
Tucker's on record saying that what gets him hard about them is that they got
one hole for everything.
A hole for shit, for piss, for cum, for egg, all of it. And that gets him
fucking happy.
How you doing?
Breaking news!
Jake Tapper has announced that he's launching a pro-Israel MyFreeCams channel.
And I want to tell you this right now.
Some of you guys will be watching Jake Tapper's private show and not tipping
him and jerking off and coming.
Don't jerk off to the fucking previews. Buy the shit, all right?
It's fucking better. You're going to come so much harder. You're going to come
fucking harder and harder and harder.
I am the tiger for years.
If there's one thing that is good about this disease is that we can be on
computer more.
Us talk show hosts are being brave right now. And there's no rivalry here.
The rivalry is squashed.
Me and Stephen are friends again.
We had drinks in Epstein's cell.
And let's just say we're both again.
It's back to normal. It's great.
You know, I'd say that talk show hosts are now officially first responders.
Fuck you, Greg Kinnear!
I know Greg Kinnear is watching right now in his fucking hot tub.
And I want to tell you this, Greg.
I fucking took a shit. I took a big fucking cum inside your hot tub.
I got the bike talk show. The network chose me.
And he didn't choose you, okay?
Fuck you, Greg! Fuck you, Greg!
You're fucking dead!
Yeah!
That is not a legal threat.
It's internet threat.
We gotta get these economy going.
I wanna, I wanna get back to work.
I wanna be playing on chat rooms.
I wanna be doing all my emoji work.
The US economy is in the absolute dog shit gutter.
So it's time for us to, uh, make some new money.
Take the Wall Street Journal.
You got some mouthwash.
This is a new clump of money.
We got a content-based economy.
Don't be scared!
We got a content-based economy.
We got a content-based economy.
And we need to get the content out there.
Content-based economy, Marvel.
Content-based economy, Disney.
The beat up and drop the beat down.
It's my party.
Dance about what you're weak and get crazy.
Let it all out and...
Oh, and dogs have announced that they want a taste of the food.
Uh, dogs everywhere have said,
Yeah, we would like a taste of that.
If you could give us a little bite, please.
You're the, you're the bike show talk show guy?
Yeah, oh, it's six feet.
Six feet away.
Hey.
I'm a big fan, man.
Oh, you are?
Can I actually get a selfie with you real quick?
Um, this is some of the first time,
I can't believe it's on camera.
It's the first time anyone's ever asked me for a selfie.
Yes!
All right.
You know, I'm actually, uh,
it's actually funny running into you.
I'm actually, uh, boys with, uh, Greg, Greg Kinnear.
You know this guy?
Yeah, what's his body double on, uh,
Little Miss Sunshine?
It's, uh, you know, I just got a fair,
I got, I got, I got the show fair and square.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He actually had a message for you.
What?
He wanted me to tell you
to keep his fucking name on it.
Oh, no.
Fucking Greg Kinnear's body double
Oh, just beat the fucking shit out of me.
I actually think this is pretty hilarious.
You know what I mean, Greg?
Greg, thank you so much.
I'm not going to let this fucking stop.
Do you know why?
Because I'm going to become a symbol.
Greg, you got no fucking, you got no fucking idea what you just did.
You just at least the worst fucking thing that you could ever do.
You better watch the fuck out
because I'm going to, I'm going to take you on.
I'm going to take you on, son.
I'm going to take you out in the backyard.
I'm going to show you what's what.
I accidentally ordered a Marge Simpson wig.
Joker's everywhere doing jokes.
No one knows what Joker.
Joker's got the Marge Simpson wig on.
Watch out.
Here comes a Joker man.
Here comes a Joker man.
Yeah.
We're, uh, I'm a whole new attitude.
I'm a rock and roll attitude this time around.
All of the fucking, uh, talk show guys are trying to kill me.
Let's get to the news.
Nuke Ingrich testified before Congress today
saying that it is bullshit that some of these girls on Fans Only
don't be making you free customs when you do a cum tribute.
Oh, Pope Francis is in the news.
He is a fucking 22-year-old girl.
He's finally, uh, got rid of the celibate bullcrap.
Her name is Sarah.
She's Mike's girl's cousin.
They met while smoking a blunt at LeBah Woods.
They are expected to make their first appearance as a couple
at Kevin's funeral.
Uh, R.I.P. Kevin.
Greg, I know you're watching.
You're dirty, you're broke, and you're girls at home.
The boyfriend, son of a whore, and a Scotsman dropped in the middle of us.
I want you guys to stay inside, no one go outside, and be bad.
I want you to go stay inside, and down through.
And I want you to take shot, shot, and I want you to stay inside, shot, you're
all dead.
Oh, wait a minute.
Hello?
Is this Connor O'Malley?
Uh, yeah.
Hey, what's going on, pal?
This is Robert De Niro.
From the Netflix show, Mr. De Niro?
Look, I want you to come on.
I'm doing a new talk show, okay?
It's called De Niro's Heroes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
So, Robert De Niro is calling me to be a guest on his talk show?
Yeah, I want you to come on the talk show.
We're going to sponge the beat with Greg Kinnear.
Mr. De Niro, can you actually give me a second?
I want to think about this.
Yes, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll freaking do it.
We're going to have a fucking good time.
This is like, honestly, a dream come true.
I'm like, pinching myself.
Like, am I awake?
Am I alive?
You're awake.
You're alive.
All right, Mr. De Niro.
I will be in touch, and I love you.
All right, I love you as well.
As well.
Live from the Irishman Theater in New York City, it's De Niro's Heroes.
Here's your host, Robert De Niro.
Thank you.
I'm going to say one thing.
Fuck Trump.
And honestly, I think we could all use a good laugh.
So please welcome the Joker guy.
I can't believe it.
You okay?
You talking to me?
I'm sorry.
I'm just so nervous.
This is Robert De Niro talking about here.
Well, that makes one of us.
Yeah, I'm the fucking nervous piece of shit.
We're all having fun.
I know you're a comedian.
You want to tell us a joke?
Please.
Okay, knock, knock.
Who's there?
It's me beating the fucking shit out of Greg Kinnear.
How fucking dare you send somebody down to the bike talk show to try to kill me?
I'm going to break into your home in Daytona Beach.
I'm going to turn into a fucking car.
I'm going to fucking run you over, you fucking piece of shit.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, you cannot joke about that.
Yeah, that's not funny.
Hey, look.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
But this Greg Kinnear guy has got to fucking go.
Okay?
He's done.
I got killed this guy.
You're serious, aren't you?
Yes, my man.
Well, let me get this straight.
You think that killing Greg Kinnear is funny?
Yes, because comedy is subjective, Robert, okay?
Comedy is about one weird guy doing something weird, and then a normal guy look
at him and
say he weird dumbass, okay?
Like, for example, Dwight guy on Office, he fall down and shit his pants.
Jim, Jack Ryan, CIA guy, look into camera and go, ha, ha, ha.
He is weird, but we are not.
And then everybody laughs at him, except for this time, the weird guys are
going to kill
the normal guys, a.k.a. Greg Kinnear.
Okay, I think I might understand that you did this to start a movement, to
become a symbol.
Yeah, become this symbol.
Uh, pussy, uh, eating pussy.
You're finished?
Not everybody, and I'll tell you this, not everyone is awful.
Why are you defending Greg so much, Robert?
I mean, it's like you're hiding something.
You don't know the first thing about me, pal.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Maybe you're Greg.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
What another joke, Robert?
I think we've had enough of your jokes.
What do you get when you cross a weird bike guy in a Marge Simpson wig with a
society that
lets Greg Kinnear do whatever the frick he wants?
I tell you what you get.
You get a fake Robert De Niro.
Greg Kinnear tried to fuck with me, but he can't.
Do you know why?
Because I'm a human Livestrong bracelet.
Look, I know everything in the world is cheapy, weepy, crazy sauce, wild style,
insane-o right now.
But we just gotta not think about bad stuff and go back to being normal guys.
At some point, someone will fix all this shit and it'll be fine.
But until then, let's have fun.
Just don't think about the bad stuff.
I'm chill.
Leave me.
I'm everybody's everybody.
Let's just chill.
- Oh!