Name: ANTFA VAN PARKED ON MY BLOCK (part 1)
Uploaded: 2020-12-07T17:53:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ANTFA VAN PARKED ON MY BLOCK (part 1)' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ANTFA VAN PARKED ON MY BLOCK (part 1)' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-07. Transcript available.

You can be my pilot, you can be my pilot, you can be my pilot.
Well, it fucking happened, that's right.
Antifa moved into my fucking neighborhood, look at this.
They've been having this fucking Antifa plumbing van on my fucking block for
the past fucking three weeks.
One of the fucked up things about this Antifa plumbing van is, uh, I'm actually-
This is my grandma's house.
My landlord kicked me out of my fucking apartment on some fucking bullshit.
He claimed that I have too many pumpkins in my apartment.
I said, "Listen, you little fucking piece of shit."
But I will not fucking stand for this Antifa shit.
I'm gonna go and I'm gonna fucking confront this fucking van full of people.
I'm fucking sick of it.
Open this fucking thing, open this fucking-
Get out of me!
Get me the fuck out of here!
Get the fuck up!
You're gonna sit up behind there, Alan.
What is this?
What is this?
I'm gonna fucking watch this shit!
You're gonna look at the fuck out of here!
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
The following was created for your own good.
Sit back and relax.
This video will break you free from your heterosexual mind in prison.
And turn you into what you really are.
An Antifa.
An Antifa.
An Antifa.
Admit it.
You want Antifa to take over your mind and body.
Deep down you are not straight.
You are a Brooklyn vegan hipster who loves salad.
Doing therapy.
And real housewives at Potomac.
You are a sinful destruction of private property.
You are a slut for your wife and you want her to order for you at restaurants.
You hate to watch golf with your brother-in-law James in his basement after
church.
You no longer want to walk around a Baz Pro shop in Ohio.
You want to use apple computer and have loom mates.
You are not straight.
You are an Antifa.
You are not straight.
You are an Ant...
You are an Ant...
You are not straight.
You are an Antisexual.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fucking video did to me?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fucking video did to me?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fucking video did to me?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck yeah.
Yes.
I found all these Maxim magazines in the woods.
I've approved them fucking straight.
Oh, God.
Oh, that fucking hurts.
I can't even fucking jerk off.
The Maxim magazine.
My favorite magazine.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
What the fuck are you doing, man?
This is all my shit.
These are all my magazines, man.
No.
What the fuck are you doing jerking off on my magazine?
No, I wasn't.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're about to get your ass kicked out of here, man.
No, it wasn't.
It was Antifa.
It was Antifa.
It was Antifa.
They got you too, man.
Yeah.
God damn it.
What the fuck, man?
Let me fucking guess.
They put you in the back of a van.
They made you watch some shit on a little TV.
Yes.
And it turns you into this, into what you are now.
Fucking, I'm not straight anymore.
I'm not fucking straight.
So they did the same shit to me, man.
What?
They did the same exact shit to me.
They've got a crazy, they're getting a lot of us.
More people than you realize.
Who?
They're getting freaking Carson Daly.
I don't, I don't want to be fucking back to the way I was.
I can't fucking, I need help.
I can help you, man.
But it's a long road to recovery.
I'm only 70% straight.
And I don't think I have much more to do.
I can't fix much more of myself.
You want to be helped, man?
Yes.
All right, man.
I can help you out.
Fuck.
I can help you out, bro.
All pain.
You want it.
Let's go, man.
Boom, boom.
We were built for hunting, man.
We don't have to hunt, so we get to look even better.
Out of all the seasons, this is the best one, because this is before they got
too famous.
They're just real guys making real bikes.
You see it?
You're out to dinner.
Tony Romas.
Your kids are acting up.
You discipline them in front of a crowd full of people.
Everybody claps.
Tell me you're straight.
I'm straight.
We're going to do a guided meditation.
You got me?
Uh-huh.
I'm in Orlando, Florida.
What are you wearing?
I'm wearing my favorite Dr. Pepper t-shirt walking through Disney World.
And who's on your arm, man?
My wife, Katie.
Uh-huh.
She's 10 years younger than me.
She wears leggings.
She's got six foot long, super straight hair.
Fucking hate saying sorry, dude.
That's not a word we recognize, bro.
Bro, bro.
Please make me straight.
Please make me straight.
Please make me straight.
Please make me straight.
Please make me straight.
God.
Yes, yes!
He's working.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.
Mr. De Blasio, Antifa kidnapped me, but now I'm straight.
Well, glad you're here with us for this important day.
But Antifa, they kidnapped me.
Big trip, brother.
You hang in, okay?
Yeah, okay.