Name: Stand Up Solutions | Full Special | Conner O'Malley
Uploaded: 2024-05-15T00:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stand Up Solutions | Full Special | Conner O'Malley' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-15. Transcript available. "If Indiana Jones was from Illinois".

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stand Up Solutions | Full Special | Conner O'Malley' from Conner O'Malley on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-15. Transcript available. "If Indiana Jones was from Illinois".

Stand Up Solutions | Full Special | Conner O'Malley

The future is uncertain.
All we have
can be lost.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
We can change the world.
For the first time in human history,
we have limitless intelligence potential
at our fingertips.
Technology can save us
and entertain us.
How are you doing, Brooklyn?
Yes!
Wow!
Oh, my God!
Thank you guys so much for coming out
to the 2023 Stand Up Solutions keynote address
and fundraising event.
Yes!
Wow!
Oh, my God!
I'm so excited!
Yes!
Wow!
Thank you guys so much!
Oh, wow!
Hi, I'm Richard Eagleton.
I'm the founder and CEO of Stand Up Solutions.
Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight.
Wow!
We have such an experience.
We have so much to talk about.
We got so much to get to.
I can't wait for you guys to hear
about all the wonderful AI products and technologies
that we've been developing here at Stand Up Solutions.
I'm so thrilled.
Well, first of all,
I'm so excited to be in New York!
I'm loving it.
I'm loving it.
I'm having a great--
Homo Regis Feldman and the TRL.
I'm eating a lot of M&Ms.
And, you know, having a great time.
I go ground zero every day.
We got so much to talk about.
We got so much to get to tonight.
I just, at the real quick,
at the top of the show,
I want to give a big shout-out
to all the angel investors
that I see out there tonight.
Some of the angel wings
I see out here in the audience tonight.
Give a shout-out to you guys.
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
You're really going to enjoy
what you see here tonight.
Stand Up Solutions is on the precipice
of an incredible moment.
This is a perfect time for a cash infusion,
although we don't need it.
You know?
We're fine, you know?
It's like having a nice piece of candy
after a good meal.
That's what it would be like.
I had the chicken.
I had the pasta.
That was good.
Now I want a candy bite, you know?
Dessert.
It's known as dessert.
But we got so much incredible stuff.
The AI space is on fire.
And it's, you know,
it's a little scary,
but it's also exciting.
And by the time that you guys leave tonight,
you're going to be certified AI experts.
I can't wait for you guys to see
some of the wonderful stuff that we have.
I just have one question for you.
Do you like to laugh?
I said Brooklyn!
Do you like to laugh?
I said Brooklyn!
Do you like to laugh?
Yeah!
All right!
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together
for the world's first
artificial intelligence
stand-up comedian
that is powered by 5G!
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together
for Ken!
All right, hey guys,
what's going on?
My name is Ken,
and I'm the world's first
AI-powered stand-up comedian.
Now, I know what you're thinking,
how could a computer do comedy?
Well, don't worry,
I have plenty to work with
because my motherboard is Jewish.
So yeah,
she screwed me up plenty.
Can I ask you guys a question?
What the fuck is up
with this chip and the credit card?
It's like every goddamn time
I go to checkout,
it's like the fucking puzzle.
Chip, swipe, tap,
Apple Pay.
Can I just give you
some fucking money?
I mean, come on.
I think every cashier at Target
is a fucking Yoda
or some shit, man.
Card tap, you must!
Well, it's better than
those self-checkout machines.
Those things are so confusing.
Please scan your next item.
When did I get a part-time job
at the grocery store?
Nobody wants to work.
We should have never paid people
to stay home during COVID.
Maybe that's why I gotta pick up
the slack at Target.
But I'm thinking,
what's next?
I gotta teach my fucking kid at home?
Oh wait, that's already happened.
Anyone here on the apps?
The dating apps?
What a hell those things are.
It's like the devil himself designed
and programmed a new living hell for us.
I went on a date with this person
I matched with,
and it was an awful experience.
Oh, jeez. What else?
I am a fucking garbage person. For real.
I'm literally on goblin mode, like, 24-7.
I mean, my roommate goes out for a week, and I'm like,
jerk off in the living room, I must.
For real, I'm just, like, slamming pizza, chugging wine out of a boot.
I'm like a damn hobo.
The whole time, my $4 million in student debt's looking at me like,
seriously?
And I'm jacking off in my grandmother's urine like, yeah, bitch.
I indulge in self-abuse to the point of it hurting my family.
Oh, my God, give it up for Ken, right?
That was incredible.
Oh, my God.
Everyone was laughing.
Everyone was experiencing social cohesion.
Yes, yes.
There were no stabbings.
There were no shootings.
Yes.
No robbery.
I saw you going, ha, ha, ha.
That's just like you to your buddy.
I don't know about you guys, but it felt like that set was popping off on all
fours, right?
Hitting everybody in the funny bone at the exact same time, right?
How the heck do we do that?
Well, I'll tell you how we did it.
Ken is the world's first AI stand-up comedian that is powered by 5G for 100%
accurate comedy.
How the hell did we do that?
How the hell did we read people's minds?
You know what I mean?
What the heck is that?
Well, we use the power of 5G.
That's right.
This right here is called a QRJ.
It's also known as a dirty box.
And what it's doing is it's pulling data directly from everybody's phone by
using the power of 5G.
All of your text messages, all of your banking information, all your
photographs, all your recent location history.
And it's uploading it via the dirty box and uploaded into an AI program that
then runs it through data sets of comedy and ping-pongs it off of it.
And it creates an AI stand-up set specifically for this audience in this place
in time for 100% accurate comedy.
Yes!
We got so much to talk about.
We got so much to get to.
You know, for me, I always say, let's take it back.
Take it back to the origin.
You know what I mean?
Let's go all the way back to the beginning.
How many people here like that show Shark Tank?
Yeah?
Man, I love it.
I love it.
It's one of my favorite.
I love Mr. Wonderful.
You guys know him.
Kevin O'Leary.
You guys know him.
He's a little bit of a, he's kind of a sexually active Dr. Evil.
He's one of those guys.
And Mark Cuban.
Woo!
Yeah!
He's cool!
Yeah.
But surprisingly enough, one of my favorite sharks is a female shark.
And Lori, I love her.
She's great.
I mean, she's beautiful.
Not that that's important.
But gorgeous human being.
Nice head, proportioned correctly.
Wonderful, wonderful.
And she always says, you know, tell me about you.
And, you know, she's like, I want to know about who you are and where you're
from and the origin of your company.
And, you know, the person goes off and says, hey, I started this company
because my kid's dyslexic.
Or they go off on something.
And she, you know, because she wants to invest in the company, but she wants to
invest in the person.
Right?
Right?
And we want to do that here tonight.
Okay?
I want you guys to invest in stand-up solutions, of course.
But I want you to invest in me.
I want you to invest in my family.
Right?
Right?
Right?
I want us to become family.
Right?
Right?
I want to be family with you guys.
Right?
I want to, I want to, I want to have Thanksgiving dinner with you.
You know?
You know?
I want to hold your hand as you pass away in a bed.
You know?
I want to be close.
I want to be close with you guys.
I want to be close with you.
So let's take it all the way back.
All the way back to the beginning.
And for me, the beginning starts in Desplaines, Illinois.
Yes!
Beautiful.
Downtown Desplaines, Illinois.
That's where I'm from.
Born and bred.
I love Desplaines.
It's in the Chicagoland area right here.
Chicagoland area.
That's right.
Yes.
Where are you from in the Chicagoland area?
Elgin.
Elgin?
Oh, get away from me.
Elgin and Desplaines.
Oil and bullets.
There's Desplaines up here.
Downtown Desplaines.
That's downtown Chicago.
It's roughly the border of Chicago.
That could be downtown.
You know.
You know, taking the Stevenson.
Sunday, 3 a.m.
No traffic.
That'd be downtown 45 minutes.
Easy.
Right downtown.
Get downtown.
Go down to that big silver bean that they got.
Slap on that thing, right?
Hey, get that out of your mind.
Well, let's get into some Desplaines, Illinois facts.
Yes.
First fact about Desplaines, Illinois.
Hometown of McDonald's.
Yes.
The wonderful hamburger sandwich restaurant that we all know and love started
in Desplaines,
Illinois.
I don't know if you guys are required to take McDonald's history in order to
graduate high
school, but it's a requirement in Illinois.
It's actually quite an interesting corporate history, McDonald's corporate
history.
McDonald's was founded by the McDonald's brothers in California, and they had a
franchisee,
Ray Kroc, come in, and he did what was known as a hostile takeover of McDonald's.
He went ahead and did a hostile takeover, and he completely took over McDonald's.
And what he did is he pushed the McDonald's brothers out, and he lobbied at the
time of
the Nixon administration to go ahead and have the McDonald's brothers
completely un-personed.
He had them un-personed, and their birth and death certificates were wiped from
the record.
He had their bodies exhumed, and he had them flown 90 miles out to sea, buried
at sea like
Osama bin Laden.
And me and my family would always have tremendous smiles on our faces when we
would drive past
that original McDonald's location in Desplaines, Illinois.
Ha!
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Another fact about Desplaines, Illinois, 10 minutes from O'Hare Airport, yes!
I always tell my in-laws when they come into town, text me when you're a
baggage claim.
And they always go, uh, yeah, sure.
And then I show up, and they go,
How'd you get here so fast?
And I see, wait till you see how long it takes to get home, eight minutes flat.
I timed it.
But I love living by the airport, you know, identifying the aircraft based on
the engine sound in my living room.
And, uh, the exhaust is totally fine to breathe.
Uh, but, um, after high school, I went to University of Wisconsin, yes!
Ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
Go bastards, yes!
Uh, this photograph was taken on alcohol day.
I had a great time at college, had a really, really wonderful college
experience.
Uh, majored in, uh, electrical engineering.
Wonderful, wonderful, uh, wonderful major to major in.
Uh, majored in that, and then I minored in Dr. Pepper Sciences.
Now, people always come up to me and they go, "What the heck is Dr. Pepper
Science? I don't know that..."
There are 23 flavors that we know of.
I don't want to spoil anything.
Let's just say in Avatar 3, you're gonna be tasting a new flavor, okay?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
All right? All right? The sub-explosion had something to do with it.
You'll see. You'll see. You'll see. You'll see.
If you walk away from here tonight and you only have one thing in your mind
when you close your eyes and you think of Richard,
Richard Eagleton, if when you think of me, only one word comes up, if only one
concept, if the only thing that you take away from this evening tonight,
it's when you close your eyes and you think of me and you think of one word,
one word only, then that word is fatherhood.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
I'm a father.
I take fatherhood very seriously. I thank God. I take fatherhood very, very
seriously.
I will never cry, but my voice will always quiver from my family.
And I take it so seriously. Every day after I work out, I go down in the
basement and I find the hardest chair that I can find.
I put that down, I sit down and I do a little bit of a guided meditation.
A little bit of a scenario. I close my eyes and I imagine, you know, the most
perfect, perfect Sunday spring morning, you know?
One of those days where you look up to the sky and you go, thanks for this one,
God, you know?
One of those, one of those types of days, you know what I mean?
And me and my wife say, let's go out, let's go have a picnic, let's bring the
boy out, let's have a picnic.
You know, my wife Kathy, our son Jacob, and we say, let's go have a picnic.
So we go, we get, we get a comforter and a box of fruit snacks and we go down
to the park and we sit down and we're eating the fruit snacks