Name: Bill Burr _ Finding Out My New Girlfriend Is A Tran! [Advice]
Uploaded: 2022-05-16T21:24:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Finding Out My New Girlfriend Is A Tran! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Finding Out My New Girlfriend Is A Tran! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-16. Transcript available.

all right can we find it there we go all right this one's titled Oh Jesus I am
a
23 year old man from Paducah Kentucky now why would you tell me that I didn't
want to read that there's probably 18 people in your your town right needless
to say there isn't much to do about five months ago I met a girl who's two
years
younger than me and moved into town from East Congamonga we hit it off almost
instantly it was great you know what I'm gonna have somebody bleep out this
city
all right I gotta bleep out the city in the state he goes we hit it off almost
instantly it was great she is beautiful educated and as a great ass sorry
little
Al Pacino for you we took things slow and I found that to be something
unique in today's time most girls give it up within a day or two but she wanted
to take things slow and I appreciated that I found myself falling head over
heels
for this girl I hadn't been with anyone in over two years and I felt that it if
she
was wait and I felt as if she was a sign that maybe there was a bit of hope in
this world to be happy and she communicated with me that she felt the same way
okay
so about two weeks ago we went out to a bar and we had some drinks played some
pool and
had a great time and ended up getting a little frisky with each other I drove
her home totally
expecting that tonight would be the night I was going to bang this beautiful
woman we reached
her driveway we started making out in the car and asked if she wanted to come
in she got real quiet
and said under her breath yes but and of course I said but what and that's when
she told me she is a
transsexual I literally yelled I was so shocked by what I heard I could hardly
keep myself
together and I told her him whatever that I wasn't going to go upstairs with
her and I would call
her tomorrow and she got out of the car crying and said I was born this way
like some Lady Gaga shit
wait a minute trans what is what is what is transsexual like a hermaphrodite
wait a second
oh Jesus Bill you're too fucking dumb why do you guys why do you guys write me
is this is this the fun
is this the fun part of it just finding out how fucking dumb I am
transsexual this is hilarious now I have this on my search and engine transsexual
and Neil will use my computer and look up like transcontinental and transsexual
is gonna come up
Bill is there something we need to talk about
um transsexual here we go a person who's undergone a sex change operation
a person whose sexual identification is entirely with the opposite sex
all right well that just made me even more confused so if you had an operation
how were
you born this way or she's or the person saying I just identified with being a
female
oh I said okay so they had a sex change operation
okay he goes I haven't spoke to her
since
it's s-i-n-c-e dot s-e-n-c-s-e
that night
besides a few text messages
she's going on about how much she loves me and she is sorry she didn't tell me
sooner
it's even gone as far as me having to turn off my phone because she won't stop
calling
I've never been pursued like this before
what do I do
part of me actually feels bad but I can't see myself banging an ass every night
while my sweaty balls slap against her sweaty balls
now wait a minute I thought the person had the operation don't they remove that
you know I don't fucking know regardless of how gay this may sound I still
think she's incredibly hot
I knew it was too good to be true
should I tell her that I'm just not interested anymore and completely cut her
off or should I be her friend
or should I go bang her ass
it's weird
the thought of banging her ass excites me
but the thought of her junk swinging around makes me want to throw up just
thinking about it
thanks Bill and come do a show in such and such state sometime you fuck
what should you do
I don't know
I honestly don't know
what's funny is
you're literally
just like you're mentally where she is sexually
you know
I don't know
like
you gotta
you gotta
it's like you're standing on the state line and you got a foot in either state
just like her
you know
so
I think your
your emotions
are normal
and I hate when fucking people get offended by this shit
and they go
and they go
that fuck are you
you know they get all offended like that dude is now a woman
it's like no that is a dude
that fucking
is a different kind of dude now
that's not a woman
it's still a dude
it's just a different kind of dude
you know what it's like
you ever see when somebody does
buys an old car
and they take all the chrome off it
they want that nice clean look
yeah
that's what they do to their
their
their
their crotch
you know
that's a dude that took the chrome off
you know
I don't know what to tell you
other than
I don't
I don't know
do
do
like
that fucking
I don't know
do
do whatever the fuck you want to do
is what I would say
let me go back and read what you said
should I tell I'm not interested anymore
completely cut it off
all right
part of me actually feels bad
because I can see myself
because I can't see myself
banging an ass every night
while my sweaty balls slap
against her sweaty balls
well if it makes you feel better
I don't think the balls are there anymore
although
they might have kept them
like a hood ornament
I have no idea
oh Jesus
I really am a moron
regardless of how gay this may sound
I still think she's incredibly hot
you know
why don't you just split the difference
and get a blowjob
I don't know what to tell you
that's so funny
I knew it was too good to be true
this poor bastard
I would say this
I'd say you'd want to sit on that decision
don't be like the Baltimore Colts
in the 1983 draft
did you guys just watch that 30 for 30
where they immediately walked up
two seconds in
and they selected John Elway
you know
rather than fucking waiting
the full two minutes
or whatever
to see if anybody gave him an offer
and then they ended up with nothing
I would
I'd sit on this one for a minute
and I think that this person
is actually pursuing you
the way that they are
because they're in a desperate situation
which is
the whole thing is
in reality
the whole thing is unfortunate
you know
people should be able to be who they are
you should be able to like who you like
and that person should be able to
from day one
say that they're transsexual
without getting judged
the reason why they didn't say it
was because they were worried
about this fucking moment here
which once again
is another sad
depressing thing
about humanity
I would say
follow your heart sir
you know
and not your balls
if you really want to find love
there you go
balls in your court
no pun intended
all right
advice for a young
lady
hey Billington
very original ones
this week
people coming up with different ways
to butcher my name
I'm enjoying these
I am in need of some advice
for a young lady
and I love that some women
are actually piping in
despite the fact
how much I talk about hockey
on this podcast
what are you saying
women don't like hockey
yes
this is what I'm saying
I'm an 18 year old
high school senior
entering my freshman year
of college
I got into my dream school
with a scholarship
ah
do you know how bad
I wish that I did that
I wish I studied in high school
anyways
and I'm moving out
of my shithole town
and everything finally
finally seems to be making up
for all the shit
that I went through
in high school
one of my really good friends
is going to the same university
as I am
and we're renting
an apartment together
however
my friend is an 18 year old
straight guy
and I am a straight girl
uh oh
the gender thing
could add a whole
other level of difficulty
on top of adjusting
to living with a new person
in a new city
away from everything
I grew up around
we've been friends
practically since
we were in diapers
we can talk
jam out to 70s rock
and watch the
Chappelle show for hours
and we've never had issues
with weirdness before
but I do understand
that college introduces
a lot of firsts
and I'm not gonna lie
I'm a little nervous
that a few too many
oh
having a few too many drinks
during a welcome weekend
could lead to some
inappropriateness
weirder things
weirder things have happened
um
I don't want to do anything
to jeopardize
our nearly two decade
long friendship
so this kind of sounds
like you're a little
attracted to this guy
if you're this worried
that something's gonna happen
or maybe you are
you're 18
you're going from
your parents house
to all of a sudden
living with the guy
maybe that's what it is
I'm gonna guess
that that's what it is
so anyway
so my question
what tips do you have
to stop anyone
from stepping over the line
with the male
slash female roommate
also in general
what tips do you have
for living with a roommate
Nia's opinion on this
would be epic
thanks and fuck you
yeah that was Nia's great
fuck you last week
um you know what
maybe this Wednesday
I will do another Nia log
and I'll read this one
but right now
I'll just give you my own
ignorant um
thought on it
oh wait wait
by the way
there's a P.S. to this
everybody
there's an epilogue
just like the streets
of San Francisco
P.S.
might I add
that we've both been
in various relationships
while friends
he often asked me
for girl advice
and I asked him
for guy advice
he currently has
a girlfriend
who I really like
and am friends with
but they are breaking up
in June
when she leaves
to study abroad
I am currently single
oh yeah
you guys are gonna bang
within fucking
eight minutes
within eight minutes
of your college career
um
all right
so basically
what you wanna do
you're not asking me
should you
or should you not
move in with this guy
you're gonna move in
with this guy
so
um
what you're really saying
is basically
how do I not
fuck this guy
well I can only do it
from the male perspective
which is what I would do
is every morning
before I ever even
walked out
into the living room
was I would rub one out
oh god
to try to get that
fucking
you know
urge out of me
I think what you need to do
is sit down
and talk with the guy
and just say
listen
we have a great friendship
but I don't wanna ruin this
I know we're moving in together
and everything
but um
you know
obviously
we're gonna be
in close quarters
you know
sharing a bathroom
and blah blah blah blah blah
you know
what you have to do
you have to lay down
the law
if that's what
you really wanna do
but if you actually
like this guy
like I think you might
um
if you actually
like him
like him
and think you could actually
did I just say that
if you like
I mean like
like him
like him
like him
do you know what I mean
do you
oh my god
you guys
this could be the one
if you actually
like this dude
like that
then you should
not move in
with him
you should be
in a separate apartment
and uh
that way
if you start
dating him
you don't
immediately start
by living
with one another
you know