Name: Bill Burr & Nia _ Caught My Girlfriend Redhanded-ly Cheating On Me On vacation! [Advice]
Uploaded: 2022-05-19T01:47:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia _ Caught My Girlfriend Redhanded-ly Cheating On Me On vacation! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia _ Caught My Girlfriend Redhanded-ly Cheating On Me On vacation! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-19. Transcript available.

All right, dear Bill, I need some advice. I'm 30 years old and I've been seeing
this lady
for the past four months and things have gotten pretty serious. I'm already
having dinner at her
parents' house frequently. Oh, Jesus. Going to her family parties. Oh, Jesus.
Spending the
holidays together. Jesus Christ. I'm practically part of the family already. To
use her father's
words, and to be honest, I'm cool with it. I love this girl. She's great. All
right,
so what's the problem? So great. In fact, we decided to do New Year's in Palm
Beach together
at her cousin's place. Now he finally writes, oh, Jesus. All right, now what's
going to happen?
See? I like some of these letters. They set him up like a great movie. He set
this up like
this is perfect. This is like a Norman Rockwell parent. Yeah. Parent. Painting.
Everything's
going great. Now, all of a sudden, he's going to New Year's in Palm Beach
together at a cousin's
place. What could possibly go wrong? This is very well written. This guy gets a
star. Anyway,
so we go out the night before New Year's. There's a whole group of us, and I
head off to take a
piss. I come back and see my girl dancing and making out with some other guy
who wasn't a member
of our group. Well, who gives a shit even if he was a member of the group? It's
another
guy. I'm obviously flummoxed. This educated son of a bitch. I decided to
interrupt their
little makeout session on the dance floor. It would have continued unabated if
I hadn't
stepped in. So I pushed the guy aside, hand her back her purse. Yes, I was
carrying her purse
for her. It fit into my back pocket in case you're wondering. I was wondering.
And I leave
the bar. The bar is called the Cusina. Yeah, kitchen, right? Right?
I think so. Yeah. I am a little Spanish right there. I am outside just beside
myself with anger
and she doesn't follow me out. I go back to her cousin's place and go to bed.
Around 3 a.m.
the texts come in. Nothing happened. I didn't do anything, etc. She finally
cops to it. And just
in her defense, she says, I'm just not used to having a boyfriend and I don't
think you know how
drunk I was. So, happy New Year's. This was in a text message? No, no, no, no.
Oh. No, when she
showed up to him, she says to him. Oh, okay. She finally just said, look, I'm
just, yeah, fine. I
fucked the guy. I'm just not used to having a boyfriend, okay? Wow. And I don't
think you
realize how drunk I was. Wow. Yes. See? And you can be that honest. You know
what I mean? I could
never be that honest with you because you could throw a vase at me and then the
cops would
arrest me for breaking the vase with my forehead. Anyways, he goes, should I
chalk this up to
a dumb, drunk mistake and patch things up? No, no. I've been, I'm having
trouble being
objective about this. This has really got me fucked up and hurting. Yeah, dude.
Yeah, that
was a ridiculous level of acting out on her part. That's crazy. That is
absolutely crazy.
That is some wacky stuff. That's wacky. That's some real wacky stuff. No, she
made out with
the guy right in front of you. He knows. What are you talking about? He knows.
He knows
what he's supposed to. He's fucking stunned, Nia. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That's
pretty stunning. We're in the goddamn trauma unit right now. And you're going,
you stepped
on a landmine. Yeah. Move on, sweetheart. Move on. Move on. No, that is, uh,
retain some
dignity and, uh, and walk away. You basically just imagine if you discovered
that 17 years
in married with four kids that half look like you and half look like this
should have been
stripper. All right. Um, you dodged a bullet and yeah, it's going to hurt. And
that's really
what that really is, dude, is, uh, aside from your feelings, that's your
fucking manhood being hurt
right there. Cause you don't have to look at it. Let me finish for fuck's sakes.
As a guy that
that's just not supposed to happen, right? Cause you're supposed to put it on
them and they're
supposed to be mesmerized by your dick. And the reality is, is that's not what
it's like.
And when you discover that, that's, that's a tough day. Uh, yeah, but you don't
have to look
at it. And you never trust those broads again. You never trust them again. And
it's the safest
place you can be. No. Number three, but don't look at it. Shut it last Saturday.
It was a
shitty, horrible thing that happened and you should be feeling all of those
feelings, including
anger. So, but just walk away. It's that's what you should do is just walk away.
Although
I would be tempted to pull a female move and get some revenge. And I would tell
her dad,
you know, what he, you know what a slut you raised, you know what a slut you're
in love
with that's half your DNA. Did she get that from your fucking wife? No, no, no,
no, no.
Yeah. Yeah. Don't do that. No, no. Cause then he'll look like an asshole and
then he'll
understand why she did it. I'm trying to inflict the most pain here. I walk
away. I don't do
revenge. Don't do that shit. All right. Number three, last Saturday, let's say,
say, is
they say in Boston. Say. Come on over on fucking say. There's no consonants in
that
word. Thursday, Friday, say. I always do that with previty. Say. Unless say. I
was out
with my friends and I was shit faced. We were at a bar and I was sitting at a
table when
I saw the girl. Saw the girl. She was absolutely beautiful. I don't know why,
but something told
me I had to go up to that girl. See, they always start fucking phenomenally.
Sun was
out. Jesus was walking on the clouds. She saw me looking at her and I get her a,
and I give
her a wink when she smiled at me. Jesus, you went with that. Did you give her
the double
point too? I then tried. I then turned to my friends and said loudly, give me a
fucking
pen. Oh Jesus. Is he drunk? Give me a fucking pen. They gave me a pen and I
wrote my number
on a napkin and went over to her and her friend. I slapped the napkin. This guy's,
I love this
guy. This guy's got, you're wearing a scarf too? This guy's like the most
interesting man
in the world. I love him. He's wrestling a badger in the corner. Hang on a
second. Give
me a pen. He goes, I slapped the napkin on the table and went to her, went to
her ear and
said, I don't drink often, but I think you are fucking beautiful and walked
away. What?
What? No, he's hammered. This is fucking hilarious. I totally missed the joke
in this. This guy
is completely fucking hammered. Right. So he's sitting there head bobbling, winks
at him.
I don't drink often. I think you're fucking beautiful. Okay. Call this number.
It's gonna change
your life, sweetheart. Oh, I love this guy. So anyways, being shit face, I didn't
know any
better. And I guess I went to the table and put my head. What? I went to the
table and put
my head was down at that point. According to my friends, she wanted to know
what my name
was and stuff. So my friends went over and talked to her and talked me up.
Before she left, she came
up to me. This guy's still in the game here and told me her and her friends
were leaving to go to a
different bar. I asked her her name. We talked a little bit and she left with
her friends. I told
her, please text me three, four days pass and I hadn't heard anything. I couldn't
get her out of
my head. She was seriously the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Yeah. After
drinking a 12
pack of keystone. Um, and there was something about her. I know I was shit face,
but I have
never felt that way. I looked, I looked online for her on Facebook. Uh, the
other person she was
with had gone to high school with, we weren't friends, but we knew each other.
I found the girl
on her friend list. There we go. I know that is creepy, but I want to message
her and tell her I'm
sorry for being so drunk, but I really want to talk to her. I feel, uh, she
wouldn't have come up to
me before she left and my friends and asked my friends, my name, if she wasn't
somehow somewhat
intrigued. I don't think that's creepy. Then nowadays the old school, when I
grew up, that's
not creepy. I think if you just say, listen, I'm sorry, I was so drunk the
other night. I really
meant what I said. And, uh, I'm sure this freaks you out that I don't even say
freaking out. Like
I'm not trying to invade your privacy. I just wanted to say, I meant those
things that I said.
Yeah. Respectfully yours. Here's my phone number, my address. And yeah. And
just leave it at that.
I'll leave it at that. There you go. No more communication after that. Cause
then you're
venturing into weird. What time we got on the podcast here? What am I? All
right. All right.
Well, well, we're getting close to the end here. We got overrated and underrated.
Um, with that also,
I want to remind everybody, um, that Amazon thing's been working out for me. Um,
it's a good
thing. So I don't have to charge for the podcast. So this is basically what I've
been telling
people. If, uh, if you're going to buy something on Amazon, uh, rather than
going directly to
Amazon, amazon.com, go to the, uh, go to billbird.com, click on podcast. And on
the right
hand side, you'll see, uh, just under the iTunes link, you'll see the Amazon
window and you just
click on that. And I will get credit for driving traffic to amazon.com. You don't
have to hit
anything else after that. And, uh, I'm not telling you to buy anything. I'm
just saying if you're
gonna, and you're going to go to Amazon, just please go to billbird.com first.
Even if you're just going to browse, even if you're just going to browse for
something.
I don't know if it works that way. They got to spend some money. Oh, they do?
Yeah. It's
like, I'm driving, driving people to a drug dealer. If you're just going to
look at the
cocaine, can I just sniff it for a second? And then no, they, they need to make
their money.
Sniff it for a second. Yeah.
Even if you're just going to browse, if you just want to see what they're doing
with their
website. Um, yeah, that's it. It's a great way to donate to the podcast. And
like I said,
10% of all, uh, donations will then go on to the wounded warriors project. So
you support this
podcast, you support the troops, uh, America. That's right. Buy shit. You don't
need support
the troops. It's all right there. A couple of clicks of the mouse.