Name: Bill Burr _ Girlfriend Is Too Short To Be Seen In Public [Advice]
Uploaded: 2022-06-22T00:08:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Girlfriend Is Too Short To Be Seen In Public [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Girlfriend Is Too Short To Be Seen In Public [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-22. Transcript available.

I have been dating a Filipina girl who is too short to be seen with in public.
Jeez, I mean, what a way to start this story.
I'm seeing a girl who I can't be seen with in public.
Okay, this relationship has legs.
And the fact that I'm 6'3 doesn't help at all.
I mean, she is really small.
4'5.
This is one of the great sentences I've ever read.
Listen to this.
Technically, she's a midget.
So you would think people would kind of leave us alone out of respect for her
shortness.
Sir, do you realize that really short people or little people want to be called
little people?
Midget is offensive.
I learned that.
I didn't think it was.
I actually have that on my CD going.
It was never a racial slur.
You know, midgets weren't dragged here from another country and forced to do
labor.
You're a midget.
What's wrong with that?
And evidently, P.T. Barnum came up with it or something.
Just to let you know, because I didn't know midget was offensive either.
I knew it was offensive, but I didn't understand why.
Midge is like the name for a really tiny bug, I guess.
So that's what they were saying.
They say when you were like as small as a little.
They were comparing you to a little fucking insect.
You know, and that goes to the elephant man thing.
I am not an insect.
I am a human being.
What's the deal with midgets?
So technically, she's a midget.
So you would think people would kind of leave us alone out of respect for her
shortness.
But people stare me down everywhere we go.
She's cute, nice, and sweet.
But I feel uncomfortable being part of a sideshow all the time.
Do you think it's acceptable for a tall man to date a tiny woman?
Tiny woman is what you mean.
Do I think it's acceptable?
Yeah.
It's totally acceptable.
Date with who you want to date.
What's not acceptable is dating someone you're not comfortable being seen with
in public.
I would work on not giving a fuck.
Or I would get out of the relationship because I don't know how she hasn't
picked up on it already.
But if you're not comfortable with the person you're dating, I mean, I don't
know.
If someone can walk down the street with me and be comfortable walking down the
street with a fucking redheaded freak,
I think that, you know, you could get comfortable with her.
When you walk down the street with her, you don't have her like fucking, you
know, one of those...
You don't have one of those kitty things, you know, where she's sitting on your
chest like a fucking primate.
I guess we're all primates, aren't we?
You know, in monkeys, when the fucking monkey just hangs on the other, you know,
wraps her arms around your back.
I'm being a dick right now.
You ever in a fanny pack?
See this?
I'm doing the exact fucking thing.
Well, you got to understand that's what people are going to do.
You got to understand if you're a different looking couple, people are going to
give you shit.
And you just got to get beyond it.
You know?
That's all I can say.
I shouldn't have made those jokes.
Because now you're probably thinking like, see, you're being a cunt too.
I'm not being a cunt.
I'm being a guy who is not even remotely funny this fucking week.
Trying to trudge through 15 fucking minutes.
50 minutes of a podcast.
All right?
So I have to make fun of everything.
So, I don't know.
She's adorable.
She's nice.
If you think she's the one, I would stay with her.
If you don't think she's the one, get out of it immediately.
Because even if she's not the one, eventually you'll have feelings for her.
And then when you break up with her, you know, when you set her on the coffee
table and say, look, we have to have a talk.
I'm sorry, dude.
Any joke.
Any port in a storm.
I got to fucking do it.
And she starts crying.
You know?
It's the worst.
That's why, you know something?
I'll tell you right now.
This is why, like, I love how it's unacceptable to break up with somebody over
the phone.
You know who came up with that?
Because they know how guilty they can make us fucking feel when they start
crying.
They want to make us feel as bad.
It's a total vindictive fucking mood.
There's nothing wrong with breaking up with somebody on the phone.
There's nothing wrong with, like, that dude on Sex and the City who wrote it on
a Post-it and stuck it to the TV.
I have a girlfriend.
I have seen some episodes of that show.
Although, I never get through the whole one because I would always piss my girl
off.
Because any time the whorey girl would make us, anything she said in the show
was always sexually related.
And I told you guys this before.
Any line she said, after she said it, I would just go,
Because she's a whore.
And it would just piss my girl off to no one until by the end of the show she
was doing it too.
But anyways, I digressed.
Let's fucking plow ahead here.
There's nothing wrong.
No matter what, it's going to make them cry.
There's nothing wrong with breaking up with someone through email.
There's nothing wrong with doing it with a Post-it.
There's nothing wrong with doing it over the phone.
In a way, there's actually, it's a caring thing that they're doing.
It's like, I care about you so much.
And it would hurt me so much to see how much I'm hurting you that I can't even
deal with watching how much I'm going to hurt you.
You know, and you're out.
It's a vindictive thing that women want you eyeball to eyeball, watch you stand
there and watch you crush them by saying,
I don't want to be in a fucking relationship with you anymore.
You know, it's fucking awful.
What I always do, you know, back in the day when I used to have to break up
with somebody, I used to just think this.
All right, dude.
It's, it's two hours of your life.
The first leg of it.
It's like the Tour de France.
Okay.
We're just trying to get to the mountains.
All right.
The first two hour fucking leg.
All right.
She's going to cry.
It's going to suck.
But you have to stick to your fucking guns.
All right.
Sit down.
Just say, and there's probably people out there right now who need to get out
of a relationship and you just don't know how to do it because you're young.
All right.
It's not going to get better.
You can't make yourself love the person.
You just have to fucking get out of it.
This goes for the broads out there too.
You just have to go, look, we need to talk.
All right.
I don't know what's going on, but I'm just not happy anymore.
You know, and you can use all the hacky stuff.
You're a great person, but I'm just not, I'm not feeling it.
I'm just not.
And, you know, that's, it's all there is to it.
Look, I'm already getting nervous.
Just picturing the girl crying.
It's all there is.
You know, you're, it's not fair to you.
It's not fair to you.
It's.
So what do you say?
We can't work.
And this is the thing.
They try to fucking, they try to save it.
And you just have to be like that dude in the first Star Wars.
Stay on target.
Stay on target, right?
Well, you know, I've, I've been thinking things like that too.
I just think we don't see each other enough.
You know, and maybe that's what I've been avoiding you.
You can't say that.
You can't be mean.
And just be like, look, no, I'm, I'm, this is truly how I feel.
And yeah, that's, it's just, it's just how I feel.
And then just let them emote and let them go.
You know, it's like deep sea fishing.
When you get that line, the fucking thing takes off.
We got a bite.
You got to let it go.
You can't fucking clamp the thing down and then snap the line.
You know, then she's free.
She's going to come back around and attack the fucking boat like in Jaws.
You got to let it go.
Jump up out of the water, flop around and get fucking tired.
You know, and, and, uh, yeah.
And you just, you just, it's a two hour fucking thing.
Okay.
And all you have to do is just say how you're feeling and then just let her
fucking run and start fucking crying.
And go through all the emotions she needs to, to, to get through.
And you just have to sit there and stick to your guns.
All right.
And then comes the hardest part is, uh, if you're in her apartment, that's a
great thing.
So you can fucking leave.
It's worse if you do it in your apartment because then you have to kick them
out.
So, yeah, that's how I feel.
And, uh, I need you to vacate the premises.
And right as you say that, you got to have your friends step out, dress like a
bouncer with one of those fucking cell phone ear, earpiece things.
Standing there like a bouncer, you know, when they stand with their hands
folded in front of them, one hand holding the wrist of the other arm.
You know, no, you got to do it over to her place and just say, you know, I'm
not going to date anybody for a while or whatever the fuck you got to say.
And I, I just, you know, and if she says, can I call you?
You just, yeah, you just say, yes, yes, you can.
And then decide whether you really meant that or not later.
But, uh, and I don't know.
And then you, I don't know.
Then you get, you got to get, and then you got to get away from them.
You got to get away from them.
Um, because if you keep coming back, it just starts the pain over again.
And then also on your level is you're going to have to try to get over them,
even though you are over them.
But still, now you're going to be alone.
You can have that panic attack.
Well, who am I going to be with?
What did I used to do when I was single?
How did I fill up all this fucking time?
Just ride it out.
Just know it's going to suck for six weeks.
All right.
Six weeks later, you're out.
Football season starts.
You know, the smell of fall comes through the fucking windows.
You know?
Your buddy fucking brings over maybe a couple girls who are into sports.
You find another one.
God damn it, look at her.
And then you're on your fucking way.
It's spring again in the fall.
See, it has a happy ending.
That's how you fucking do it.
Jesus Christ.
There was some advice for you.
How to fucking break up with somebody.
Do you guys have any stories about like the worst way you were ever broken up
with?
Or the best, best way somebody ever broke up with you?
You know?
I broke up with someone one time and then I bought her a hot dog.
Okay.