Name: Bill Burr & Nia _ Not Checking Out!
Uploaded: 2022-07-07T23:01:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia _ Not Checking Out!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia _ Not Checking Out!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

Bill Burr & Nia _ Not Checking Out!

we're all loners big family but we all just do our own shit and we i'd last
thing like the same
way i don't want to like like the way i've been paying for three cell phone
numbers
for the last i don't even realize it to do the backstory one time i was on the
fucking road and
nia calls up she goes why do you have like three different cell phone numbers
what the fuck are you
living a double life yeah and i go i don't i got one she goes no you got three
i go no i don't i
got one she goes i'm looking at the bill right now and what it was was it was
back in the 2000s
i was like i was so confused slash angry slash annoyed slash okay maybe it's
just not what i
think it is or whatever but i'm like paying all the bills since you're on the
road so i'm like going
through everything and i'm like this motherfucker has three numbers why why on
earth would he have
three numbers i've only seen one phone does he have a secret phone like a
secret cell phone i got
a little flip because i know men do that sometimes they have a secret little
bat phone all right
this is what it was this is what it was back in like 15 fucking years ago
it wasn't that maybe 12 12 years ago it was when i was with you i would go on
the road and this is
before like smartphones and all of that and you had to get the internet
and you'd i'd go to these hotels and they would charge me like 12.99 a day 15.99
a day and i wasn't
making shit on the road and would fucking it would add up and that was still
back when you know you'd get
sides for your auditions emailed to you then you had to go down to the the
fucking the thing in the
lobby and business center and print it out so they came up with these little
things they look like
hockey pucks these little round things that you you'd get your own internet i
think bobby kelly dude you
gotta get this dude oh yeah my dad had one of those yeah and it plug it in and
it came with like a phone
number or something okay so i got one of those they explain how to do it i did
it one time it worked
it didn't work again and then i forgot about it to the point i forgot i even
had it and then i got
another one and then that one i just you know after a while i just got a
smartphone and i never look at
my bill i just look what does it cost yeah so then you know years later so you've
been paying for this
number i've been paying extra 50 balls a month and they're still on my bill
what are you gonna take
it off then i mean i don't want to i would rather pay 50 bucks a fucking month
than have to sit there
and and i'm not gonna get upset i can't fucking deal with calling up and going
i need to cancel
this i'm no longer using that's not how it works though you go in and they and
it goes like um you
know what you know it's still robot and then it's going like you know if you
want to do this press
one if you want to do that press two and you always are existing at like one
and a half it's like a
little bit three but a little bit four you're just like operator operator
operator operator you press
zero i'm sorry that doesn't fucking work and then the worst thing ever is you
get on and you think
yeah who am i speaking with today uh william burr can i get your zip code can i
get you your
fucking all verse that you first goldfish's name can i get this can i get that
can i get that and
then you tell them what the problem is and they go okay i'm gonna have to
transfer you to somebody
else my cologne then they go okay who am i speaking to what is your zip code
what is the name of your
god it's like i just fucking told you t here i go i fucking told you all that
shit and yeah i don't
want to deal with that shit so you'd rather continue to pay this bill for the
rest of your life
no i want to take them off of course i want to take them off i just you know
that's not my
top priority nia is not fucking call you saw when i tried to get the nfl
network i was on the phone
for fucking 90 mother fucking minutes you with people in southeast asia who
didn't even know what
it was hockey yeah you did really good i'm very proud of you that day you were
so calm you were
so polite you didn't like freak out no you missed part of it when you left i
was just like listen yeah
you know i'm not trying to be a jerk but like this is your second language and
you don't even know
what the sport is i'm talking this would be like if you called me up and i you
know rosetta stoned how
you speak and you you want to watch cricket yeah and they would just
she just goes i'm sorry i'm in asia is that going to be a problem and then i
felt bad i'm like no it's
not a problem you know what i'm saying she goes no i get it she was actually
great the first person
was a fucking idiot he wasn't a fucking idiot he just was not a smart person
he lacked the tools for that situation so no i have i have to do it there's so
many fucking if you
knew the amount of fucking money that i throw away because i don't want to deal
with the infrastructure
right the amount of times i've bought a plane ticket okay i buy a fucking plane
ticket and then
the thing gets canceled and i don't go i don't call up i just eat the price of
the ticket i do it
you do all the fucking time all the fucking time because i am not going to www.delta.org
i'm not
fucking you have i'm not doing it your travel person do it like when i wasn't
able to go
to to nashville i emailed her and i said i'm not able to go
and then i'll get oh good i thought i ate that ticket no and she's like i'm
gonna cancel it and
i said i'm gonna get a note from my doctor and so maybe we'll be able to get reimbursed
and she's
like yeah i just canceled it like let me know and we'll do what we can i
literally like i think i'm
paying for i paid for a hotel room sunday night because we were going to be
there through sunday night
yeah and rather than just stopping at the front desk and just dealing with that
i just leave
you never check out i don't check out you never do like the hi i'm leaving how
was your stay enjoyable
you just i leave walk out the door and i'm just like wait don't we have to
check out you're like
yeah don't send me the bill they'll figure it out you never take the time to
check out there's only
you're the first only person i know that doesn't go down there and is like okay
goodbye i'm leaving
here's the key see you later you just no i just leave i've done that with like
rental cars
one time i got so faced so late into the night and i didn't realize at a 6 a.m
flight i got up and i
was still drunk and i was like i can't i i tried to drive it's like i can't
drive and my gps wasn't
working because i was in like you know elk deer Montana or some i was up in
canada elk deer yeah yellow knife you know they have all that they're like they're
like us you know
they wiped out the indians and then they just named after them to make
themselves feel better
right no we didn't do that like us canadians well like white people right yeah
you're not included no
watch a trump rally you're not you're not a part of that so anyways like yeah i
remember one time
i was and i just i gave the keys to the guy at the hotel i go hey can you take
that back for me i'm
too drunk yeah don't worry about it i was so shit faced that like when two
weeks later they called me
up going yeah where's the car i was sitting there and i always give a fake
number right so i'm like
what do you mean i brought it back how the do you get this number leave me
alone
they're like sir it hasn't come back yet i go i i dropped it off i just kept
hanging up on
him and i don't know there's something like the third time they called i
finally was just like
started thinking i was just like wait a minute did i bring that back and i
called up virzy
and i was like virzy did we bring that car back and he was just like oh dude i
don't know
i don't remember because you know because he was you know we were all pretty we
were out there and uh
bartner couldn't remember and then i was just like wait a minute dude there was
a gig i did and i gave
the keys to someone at the hotel was that that gig and then we figured out that
it was that gig
and then they drove down and it was sitting there that cost me like 1200 bucks
do you realize the house we could be living in ridiculous no i do it it's so i
do it all
the time because i don't give a i don't to money to me it's just you're just
writing a number on
a piece of paper and it's just like just if you just get past the fact that it
actually has value
do you know if you just just listen you're in to be even to be saying that i've
always been that way
dollars a month is a lot to a lot of people to just be throwing away you know
what i mean like
that's the listen don't guilt me because nia i time out time out oh that nia
that i didn't know anybody in this business i didn't take the safe route
okay and go for the i'm gonna go do something else i earned the rights to blow
50 dollars a month on
numbers no it's my money i don't want to deal with that i i tried to be in the
office
area i wore a tie i tried to do it i sat in on meetings and i literally just
all i would think about
it's like whoever was talking i wanted to run right at them dive over their
shoulder right
through the window and nose dive into the parking lot i can't live in that
world so i picked this
where 99.9 of people fail all right so i took all of my chips i put it on the zillion
to one shot
and it came in and one of the perks of my business is i don't check out i walk
out
i walk out i don't want to talk to you i hate when i get into the just leave me
alone
that's the thing just you don't leave me don't want to talk to anybody who's
like
hi can i help you let me get this right you just you don't ever want to deal
with any type of customer
service on any level leave me alone they're helping you you don't even want to
deal with them no just
leave me i hate when i check into a hotel and then there's a phone call and you
pick up hello oh hey
hi mr bird just checking to make sure everything was all right in your room
this is so much
you hate room you hate uh housekeeping services turn down service you hate all
of that
oh my god when i'm my last one like the lady was coming in i'm like she's not
gonna do it
yeah i'm sorry i'm all right i'm all right she just kept coming i'm like i'm
all right
like get out of here i feel like i paid for that room i got the sign hanging
out on the other
what do i have to have a guard out there he wants to be left alone
what the what what the does that mean is everything all right with the room
first of all i'm an adult
if there was yeah there's i'm glad you called there's water pouring in i didn't
know what to do
the room's fine the bed is on the ground there's a mattress and i lie on it i
know how to use
everything in here that's it oh that's it whenever we go to hotels if we're on
vacation or anything
and i'm like bill can you especially if we're in a foreign country i'm like
bill can you call
down and you know ask them if they can make reservations or whatever if it's
like a different
language bill always goes no no you're better at that stuff than i am and i'm
like all you have to do
is ask them to do something and he's like no no i can't i can't i'm not you
have to do it i'm not
good at it i'm not good at it you know it's funny i actually when i got to nashville
so early right
um and i went into like the the sky lounge thing i'm not gonna say the airline
i always fly right
but i i've you know i finally somebody convinced me to you know go into the sky
lounge
area right so i go all right i'll do that but then the stupid but that thing's
stupid
because then you have to get to the airport early to make it worth it it's like
i don't want to be here
i want to get here as late as possible immediately get on the plane and get the
out of here right so anyways i got really there really early to nashville didn't
know that my
plane was going to catch on fire so i go in there and they go uh i go yeah i
got you know i don't
have my card on me an