Name: Bill Burr _ Would U Rather Be Caught Cheating Or Catch UR Partner Cheating?
Uploaded: 2022-07-13T01:00:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Would U Rather Be Caught Cheating Or Catch UR Partner Cheating?' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Would U Rather Be Caught Cheating Or Catch UR Partner Cheating?' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-13. Transcript available.

All right, would you rather be caught cheating or catch your significant other
cheating?
I'd rather be...
Depends on what kind of relationship I'm in.
If I want to get out of it, I'd rather catch them cheating.
If I love the person...
Oh, God.
Would you rather break her heart or have your heart broken?
Good this week.
I got to go selfish.
I'm going selfish.
I would never be able to get over it.
A woman can get over it.
A guy can't.
Not saying all women.
We can't get over that.
I can't get over the fact that somebody entered your body.
What did I do?
Honey, it didn't mean anything.
It just...
I don't know why.
I sound like Ray...
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know why.
Come on.
I'll clip the grass.
Why did I...
I apologize for that hacky impression.
Yeah, I'd much rather be caught cheating.
I think it's more socially acceptable that I've cheated.
I think that it's more socially acceptable that the woman forgives you.
I just don't think...
I just don't think it's...
Hey, Nia.
What's going on?
Come on in.
Lay down here next to the wall.
Here's one for you.
You came in right there in a nice dilemma.
I don't have another microphone for you here.
Oh, jeez-y.
So here's one.
Here's a dilemma for you.
Would you rather be caught cheating or catch your significant other cheating?
Oh, I see.
That's a good one.
I said I went selfish.
I'd rather be caught cheating because I could never handle the fact that
someone else, you know, stuck their ding-a-ling in you.
I would rather catch you cheating.
You'd rather catch me cheating?
Oh, you're an angel.
Why?
Because you don't want the guilt?
Because you know what?
That I'd fucking dump your ass?
What?
Why?
Why don't I just ask why?
Why would I rather...
Yeah, I would rather be in that situation than be caught cheating.
Because you're an angel.
You'd rather...
You don't want to be a piece of shit.
Exactly.
I'm an angel.
You're just a better human being than I am.
I thought you were like...
I thought you were giving me the green light.
I saw you waving me around third base.
All right.
Would you like the green light?
You know what?
Every couple of years.
But you know what?
You could be in the other room, and if it sounded like we were going too far,
you could be like,
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
None of that.
None of that.
Okay, good to know.
All right.
Here we go.
All right.
I just saw a good one.
All right.
Here's one for you.
Would you rather be fluent in all languages
or master every musical instrument?
Ooh.
Would you rather be able to talk to the world?
Yeah.
I think fluent.
Fluent in all languages.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Definitely.
Definitely.
All right.
I'm going selfish again.
Yeah, I knew you'd want to.
I'd rather...
I'd be a master of every musical instrument,
and then I would...
Like Prince.
I would communicate through my instruments,
and I would get Bangladesh pussy.
If you can play the guitar, fuck that.
Bangladesh pussy.
Yeah, you can get laid all over the world if you can play a guitar.
And then if you're singing in a language,
singing in a different language,
like right now, as much as you love me,
if some French guy was out there with a guitar,
and he was going,
Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques,
Dormez vous...
You would be fucking looking out the window.
I would.
Hi, Jacques.
And then I'd be like, bonjour.
Yes, you would.
Bonjour.
Vous voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Oh, Jesus.
And we just exposed ourselves for being surrounded by water
over here in the Americas.
We don't know anything.
Unless you sang it, we don't know it.
All right, let's do one more dilemma.
All right, Bill,
if your pasty ass ever got sent to prison,
would you wait to get shanked
or just hang yourself in your cell?
You know what I love?
I love that they didn't even entertain the fact
that I could somehow survive in there.
I think you could actually survive in there.
I do.
I think you have enough anger
so that if someone were to fuck with you,
you would really mess them up in front of everybody,
thus gaining the respect.
I think you'd obviously make everyone laugh.
I would be afraid of the Aryan nation
wanting to recruit you.
All right, hang on a second.
First of all,
you obviously haven't watched
any of those National Geographics
behind prison walls.
No, but I did watch...
I'll tell you this.
If I went to white-collar prison
where you get to play ping pong,
with Bernie Madoff,
I think I could actually survive in that one.
But I'll tell you...
No.
I actually...
Every guy,
that's their biggest...
Well, this is their biggest fucking fear.
Going to jail
and becoming somebody's bitch.
All right?
That, like, if they...
You already are somebody's bitch.
If they...
Oh, look at you.
Look at you.
You think you got me fucking wrapped around your finger?
Whoops.
See that?
See what they do?
When you finally tell them that you love them,
then they throw it in your fucking face.
What do you mean finally tell me?
What is...
What is wrong with you?
You were so cute five seconds ago.
Now I just...
I want to mush your face into the rug.
Anyways.
Oh, yeah.
If I was in a white-collar prison,
I could survive that.
Yeah.
Okay, so the biggest fear of every guy...
Like, if they ever did the family feud,
what is the biggest fear a guy has?
And then...
And the guy goes,
being somebody's prison bitch.
Getting right being somebody's prison bitch.
Dang, it'd be number one answer.
Do you want to play or do you want to pass?
Let's play, motherfucker.
And then we...
Coming home and seeing my wife sucking my best friend's dick.
Okay, good answer, good answer.
Coming home, seeing your wife sucking your best friend's dick.
Dang.
Number two.
And then you always have the one weirdo in your family.
What else do men fear?
Okay, what is the number one fear
that a man can have in life?
Okay.
I'm going to say...
God, you guys used all the good ones.
Having somebody borrow a tool
and not put it back where it belongs.
Oh, God.
And then we'd have to sit there and be like,
you know, that dumb shit.
Hey, good answer, good answer.
Good try, good try.
All right.
What is a man's...
What are a man's fear?
Not being able to get it up?
Not being able to get it up.
In prison.
Being that person.
Yeah, having to tie off your shirt at the waist
and be like,
hi, Brutus.
Being that guy.
Not being able to get it up.
Not being able to provide for your family.
Right.
What else?
Well, let's just do me.
Women.
Women not fucking...
Yeah, your marriage failing.
Then there's overlap ones that you guys fear.
I don't know.
Let's not turn this into some psychology thing.
I don't need to do this.
I'm trying to be funny here.
All right.
I don't know.
Let's get back to this thing.
You know what?
Something, there's a question for you guys this week.
Give me your, let's do the family fucking feud.
Top 10.
Your top 10 fears.
I want to hear them.
And then maybe we'll do like a little survey.
And then I'll get sued by that show.
And then they'll realize I'm not making any money on the podcast.
All right.
Bill, if your pasty ass ever got sent to prison,
would you wait to get shanked or just hang yourself in your cell?
I couldn't hang my, I couldn't kill myself.
I don't know what I would do.
I would probably, I don't know what I would do.
Yeah, but I'm already going to get the shit kicked out of me.
Come on, Nene.
Come on.
I'm in good shape.
I'm exotic with my red hair.
I'd be a little blue eyed bitch in there.
I'd have to do, I have no, I have no.
You're about as exotic as a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hey.
Out here.
That's fucking hilarious.
Out here I am.
But in prison.
In prison, I immediately become like some Brazilian bitch just walking down.
You don't think there's other blue eyed white guys in prison?
Possibly with red hair?
Red haired guys.
I have watched those, sit over here near the mic.
I have watched those things repeatedly.
Those prison things.
I have never seen anybody who looks like me.
Occasionally, I saw one red-headed dude.
He was a little fucking, you know, 12-year-old kid and he killed another like
fucking four-year-old.
There was almost two young to kill things I watched.
Oh, God.
Yeah, he had really weird ears.
That's why he did it.
No, no.
He looked like somebody boxed his ear.
He had cauliflower ears?
He looked like the Hulk boxed his ears, but they didn't become cauliflower.
They just got dented on – he had dented ears.
He was probably abused.
Long story short, he was a little redhead and so he went in there.
He fucking killed this kid and it was so horrific.
They sent him to a real person prison and he –
Big boy prison.
Yeah, big boy.
Not the daycare.
And he fucking – he shaved his head.
He got to.
You can't walk around looking, it's Audi doody time.
Who's is it?
Your turn or his?
There's nothing I can do.
You know, I would just have to do that.
I've got to fall in with somebody, you know?