Name: Bill Burr _ That Time I Was In NY During The Gay Pride Month!
Uploaded: 2022-07-27T02:44:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ That Time I Was In NY During The Gay Pride Month!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ That Time I Was In NY During The Gay Pride Month!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-27. Transcript available.

All right, so, here's a good one for you.
A couple years ago, before all this stupid fucking pandemic shit started,
you know, Mother Nature's half-assed attempt to get rid of the amount of people
she needs to get rid of,
you know, just procrastinating, treating it like a turd paper.
I was in New York, I had an acting gig, all right?
I was playing a fireman, all right?
Now, I'm not the best actor, all right?
Some of you saw it, I hope you paid for it, you cheap bastards.
You all watched it for free, you bastards.
So, anyways, I'm not the best actor, so I have to look the part.
So, I grew this giant, you know, fireman mustache, big, stupid fireman mustache,
which looked great when I was wearing the whole fireman getup,
and they put the fake dirt on my face.
I looked like I had been fighting fires for 20 years, all right?
However, the second I took off the costume, and they cleaned off my face,
and I put on my regular clothes, I immediately just looked like some sad old
queen
that never found love, right?
And as luck would have it, I was in New York City in June,
which I quickly found out was Gay Pride Month, the whole month.
And let me tell you something, the gay guys show up strong.
It is wall to wall.
The fucking island is almost tipping over.
There's so many of them.
And I'm sitting there like going, oh my God, 30 days of this shit.
I'm walking around with this orange Freddie Mercury fucking dick broom on my
face.
I am going to be getting harassed up and down the street.
I was an actor shape, man.
I was fucking shredded.
I got to tell you something, man.
When I tell you, 30 days of June, not one gay guy even fucking looked at me.
Forget about even hit on me.
I have never felt so old and undesirable in my life.
Dude, I'm going to tell you something.
It's this one thing as a man.
When you get so old that women don't look at you anymore,
like you know you're going to hit that age.
You know that day's coming.
But nobody tells you at some point you're going to get so old,
not even a man wants to fuck you, right?
Dude, that is a statement.
When you get so old,
some queen in his 60s is like,
ah, keep it moving.
I can do better than that.
Jesus Christ.
Get some fucking hair plugs or something.
Get a spray tan.
I can get something that's 40s.
Come on.
Keep going.
Dude, it was like,
I was like having like this fucking panic attack.
I was thinking like,
oh my God,
I waited too long to get married.
I had kids too late.
I'm going to die soon.
I was like literally like wrapping up my life, you know?
So I'm walking down like 9th Avenue,
you know,
putting a little swish in my fucking step,
just trying to get something.
I was desperate.
Fuck you ladies.
You've been there.
You know how it is.
You want to think you got one more in you, you know?
So I'm tra-la-laing down the street.
I really wish that wasn't the truth.
So I'm going down 9th Avenue
and all of a sudden I looked up
and about two blocks away,
all of a sudden I see this lesbian coming up the block.
Okay?
Now I know this is Boulder, Colorado, right?
So you guys are all like fucking,
hey man, you know?
Like, how did you like know she was a lesbian, man?
Like, that's not cool.
You just looked at her
and you just knew she was a lesbian?
You don't know her.
How did you just,
how did you just know somebody's a lesbian?
Easy.
The same way you do.
The same way other lesbians do.
It's not calculus.
No, but I get it.
I understand in 2021,
you're not allowed to say
you know what a lesbian looks like, right?
Judging by your silence,
yes, right?
Yeah, you're not allowed, right?
Well, it's funny,
if some white kid came in here,
like 20 years old,
hair slicked back,
collar popped,
loafers, no socks,
you'd be looking at him thinking like,
all right,
frat boy, date rapist,
his dad's a judge,
he's not going to jail.
Yeah.
Just killed five people
in a drinking and driving accident,
already has a new Dodge Challenger
on the way, right?
Yeah, you're allowed to see that.
That you can see.
Clear as day.
No, but that's how progressive
you guys are, right?
You don't have any idea, right?
Like, let's play a game.
I'll just name different people you see
and see the slides
that come into your head, right?
Construction worker,
sports fan,
painter,
skateboarder,
lesbian.
Right?
It all goes blank.
Is that a lesbian?
Am I a...
I mean, I have gay friends,
but I've never noticed
any sort of a through line.
Listen, people,
I'm not saying
all lesbians look alike.
I would never say
some ignorant shit like that.
However,
I am saying, though,
every once in a while,
there's a fucking layup.
Right?
Slactop,
wallet chain,
fucking walking up the street.
Right?
But even then,
even then,
I'm not saying 100%,
but gun to my head,
I gotta go lesbian.
Right?