Name: Bill Burr _ I Want To Dump My Fiance! [Advice]
Uploaded: 2022-07-28T22:00:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ I Want To Dump My Fiance! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ I Want To Dump My Fiance! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-28. Transcript available.

Here we go. Ask Bill. Bill, I am currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it. Oh,
Jesus.
Wow. I am. Let me read that again. Let's let's all just take a deep breath and
let's take that take when it's time to change.
Let's take that one in again. I am Bill. I am currently engaged, but I'm kind
of over it.
Um, you know what? I might need the help of a female on this one. Hey, Nia. Nino.
You want to help me on this one? I got a relationship question.
You ever get the feeling your girlfriend's mad at you and you haven't even done
anything? I think I just heard an exhale.
What's that? You can't talk because of your voice? You're making lunch? Oh,
okay. Okay.
Yeah, I'm recording right now. Yeah. And you hit me with this attitude. I'm
sorry. She, how, what do I want? I just had a, Jesus, this is getting really
awkward.
Yeah. All right. My girlfriend's under the weather and I actually forgot. She
told me she was under the weather like 20 minutes ago and that's how self-absorbed
I am. Cleo, get down. All right. Just listen to this. Okay.
I think I think I also need like female help on this one. Could you take your
hands off your hips and stop staring at me like that? Come on.
Do you not want to do this? If you don't want to do it. Okay. Okay. Bill, I am
currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it.
She just laughed. Huh? This is a female. This is why I have you in here. Can
you just talk to the people with your voice here?
Hi, how are you?
You sound like Demi Moore. I like that. You know what? I already talked about
Andrew McCartney, right? Brought up Rob Lowe. I got the whole bread pack here.
Why don't you, you don't trust me. You got to look on your face like you're not
trusting me, like I'm going to make you look stupid. I'm not.
I generally want your help on this. It's a low budget podcast. We only have one
microphone.
All right. I'm currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it. I love him, but our
relationship isn't working anymore.
I keep making excuses like my schedule has changed. I'm working and going to
school, so I'm just stressed, et cetera, et cetera.
But honestly, the excuses aren't working anymore.
I want us to get back to when we were having fun and sex and not arguing.
He gets frustrated with me when I don't want to cuddle with him at night or
fuck him at 4 a.m.
When I have to get up at 7 in the morning to go to work, then come home at 5
and cook him dinner and get to sleep by 11.
And then she writes, OK, pause in the email.
Why does he want to fuck or cuddle at 4 a.m. when I'm sleeping? Is this like a
guy thing?
I don't understand what he's thinking. This is my argument. It's 4 in the
morning.
Number two, he's half asleep, which means I'll have to wake up and get on top
and do all the work.
What the fuck? Number three, if I don't sleep, I'll be cranky in the morning.
Then I'll be mad at me because I'm being a total bitch.
And four, I like being alone. I love sleeping by myself.
Granted, in the beginning, it was fun to sleep next to him, but now I want my
own bed back.
I don't understand what it is that he's thinking.
OK, continuing. I guess she was digressing here. I'm almost done here.
All right. Are you enjoying this here? OK, she's shaking it in.
She's got a very serious look on her face. This is why I brought her in.
An expert. This is like Oprah, our relationship expert.
OK, here we go. We are planning to move in together, but it's not a good idea
because I'm not really in the relationship anymore.
I'd rather be alone. In addition, is there an axe murderer outside?
In addition, I just really realized that that was.
Yeah. All right. In addition, come close to the mic, sweetie.
Here we go. Sit down. Take a load off. You're not feeling well.
In addition, he's the first man I've ever had sex with.
Don't read this because you read way faster than me.
Just listen to my the soothing tones of my awful voice.
You just snorted when you laughed. That's adorable.
She's the first. He's the only person she's ever had sex with.
Yeah. Now, don't don't comment yet. OK, we're building it up.
We got the listeners riveted at this point.
OK, someone's being hacked to death outside.
In addition, he's the first man I've ever had sex with.
I am faithful to him.
But when we have days like these, I think, is this really as good as it gets?
I'm sure he's thinking the same thing when I'm being an asshole.
That's the femur right there.
That's you really got to give the chainsaw full fucking force there.
Oh, well, they did taking out that tree over there.
OK. Yeah, the sick tree.
We had a sick tree.
Tree had AIDS on our block and just keeled over.
It's very sad.
We stood out there with candles.
It had tree AIDS.
It was HIV positive.
Don't make light of AIDS.
I'm not making light of AIDS.
What are you, Jim Norton?
I'm making...
Jesus!
Jesus!
I don't know who to get more offended.
That you're trashing Jim Norton or you're saying that I'm ripping him off.
You do not!
Why is my voice cracking?
You do not!
All right, let's get back to this.
I don't know.
I could totally be seeing this from a fucked up spot.
Actually, I think I am.
Because he's great!
Now she's going back this week.
She must have her period this week.
She's all over the map.
Ow!
Did you really have to punch me right fucking there?
All right.
He gives me whatever I want.
And as far as material things go, typical broad.
He buys me stuff.
He's great!
I don't want to fuck him anymore.
But look at all this stuff!
He listens to me.
I'm taking this one seriously because I think this girl's in a serious
situation here.
That's why I keep saying serious as many times as I can in the sentence.
Seriously.
He listens to me whenever I whine and he has conversations with me that show me
life from a different perspective.
And he's willing to work at our relationship and he's committed to me.
Those are the things that I love about him.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Right?
I am getting through it.
I got to do fifth.
She just gave me the sign.
Wrap it up.
All right.
Fine.
You're speaking for the listeners.
I'm going.
But I can't live like this anymore.
This girl is all over the map.
I told him once that I wanted some space.
Like I wanted to wake up alone some days.
And he blew it out of proportion and says, okay, I'll give you plenty of space.
Let's break up.
He did that shit.
And then she said, I asked if that's what he wanted because that wasn't looking
like the worst option in the world.
Oh, Jesus.
But his voice cracked and he said, no, that's not what I want.
So long story short, I'm still waking up to him.
He still asked why we can't fuck at 4 a.m. and we're still engaged.
I'm willing to say if we can make a few adjustments in our relationship.
I'm willing to stay if we can make a few adjustments in our relationship.
Otherwise, how do I get out and hurt him the least?
What?
All right.
Here we go.
I brought in a female for this one because I know what – you want me to tell
you what I'm thinking first?
No.
Okay.
No, I don't.
She needs to break up with him.
Okay.
And why?
Because she doesn't love him anymore.
She's not in love with him.
She recognizes all his good traits and stuff, but that's not a reason to stay
with someone.
If she can't give him what he needs – because at no point did she say –
well, no.
She talked about him wanting to cuddle and this and that and that and that.
I think the 4 a.m. doesn't mean anything.
I think he just wants to be close to her, and that's the one time that maybe
she slows down and is in bed.
And that's where he can wrap his arms around her and do all that sort of thing.
Because it sounds like she's super busy all the time.
So he wants to spend that time with her.
So let's stay on track here.
So why do you feel like she should break up with him?
Because she's not in love with him anymore.
Clearly.
She's not in love with him anymore.
She loves him.
He's a great guy.
But she's not in love with him.
Yeah.
No, she isn't.
She needs to call it off.
Yeah.
I think that she's bringing up the good traits as she's trying to convince
herself to stay in the relationship because she doesn't want to hurt him.
Yes.
She wants to be alone.
She's not ready to get married.
And that's fine.
He's going to be heartbroken no matter what because obviously he is in love
with her.
He wants to work it out.
But it's cliche, but it's like if she really loves him, then she will let him
go so that he can find somebody that wants to do all that kind of stuff that
she's –
Right.
Not because she's a bad person.
Okay, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before we get going.
Before we get going.
Let's – what's the – what's the – this is a great topic for the podcast.
Breaking up with somebody sucks because you get – you know, they're going to
start whimpering, you know, and you're going to dry their tears with the dirty
pages of a TV guide.
And I don't know.
I was thinking about a coffee table.
What would be on the – I always break up with girls near a coffee table.
Do you?
Well, yeah.
You're not going to be sitting on the bed.
You're on the bed.
You're going to want to fuck.
No.
Sorry.
I just sometimes say dumb shit on this.
What is the best way?
What is the best way to break up with someone to hurt them the least?
Do you have a technique?
No.
There's no way.
Well, could you try to be funny on this thing and just try to come up with a
technique?
I got one for you.
Send him a card that is actually for like a good occasion so it'll have like
balloons and like silly animals on it.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
And on the inside it says, I'm breaking up.
Yeah, exactly.
You cross out all the good stuff.
Or you add words.
Yeah.
You aren't the love of my life.
But there's going to be all these cool pictures.
You have a new life.
Congratulations.
She could find a girl to, oh, she could be like, oh, let's have a threesome and
find like a really hot, sexy, funny, amazing girl.
And they all have like dinner and drinks and all have a good time.
Go back to the bedroom and they all start doing it.
And she could slowly slip out.
And she's got her bags packed already.
Yeah.
It's like, you know what?
That's like.
And she drives away while the two of them are having like probably amazing sex.
That's fucking awesome.
And she never sees them again.
But he's left with this really awesome girl.
Yeah.
And you know what's funny?
No, it's okay.
You know what's funny is he would get no sympathy.
He went to the bar.
He's like, my girlfriend broke up with me.
Oh, God, dude.
How she did it?
How did she do it?
Was she fucking, we had a threesome and I start, this unbelievably hot girl, I
start banging.
She just slipped out of the window.
I'd be like, wait a minute.
That's like, you know what that's like?
That's like as a comedian, if you have to cancel a gig, but you do the effort
to give them a replacement comedian.
So there's, there's no pain.
Yeah.
That's what she should do.
Ladies and gentlemen, how about a round of applause?
I knew there was a reason I brought you and that was fucking awesome.
Fucking Nia.
There you go.
Good for you.
Good for you.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you for being on the podcast.
This is, you know what, this is this weird thing.
Like when you do panel on a talk show and no matter what, when the person wraps
it up, you feel, you still feel slighted.
Like I was just killing there.
We're going to commercial.
Well, listen, thanks a lot.
Good luck on your movie.
We're going to be right back with the Monday morning podcast.
That was fucking awesome.
High five.
There you go.
Go make me a sandwich.
All right.
All right.
Huh?
How fucking cool is she?
Jesus Christ.
There's no reason to even, to even try and top that one.
I was, I thought that was going to be a new, uh, a new segment on the podcast.
Wow.
If she ever breaks up with me, she better fucking do it that way.
Cause that would, uh, I wonder how long into the threesome before you actually
fucking discovered it, you know?
And is that technically a threesome?
You know, because if you didn't bang the other person, you know what that's
like?
That's like you get a base hit, but you fall down in the way of the first base.
And then the right fielder throws you out.
Is it bill?
Is that what it's like?
I don't think it is.
All right.

Bill Burr _ I Want To Dump My Fiance! [Advice]

Here we go. Ask Bill. Bill, I am currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it. Oh,
Jesus.
Wow. I am. Let me read that again. Let's let's all just take a deep breath and
let's take that take when it's time to change.
Let's take that one in again. I am Bill. I am currently engaged, but I'm kind
of over it.
Um, you know what? I might need the help of a female on this one. Hey, Nia. Nino.
You want to help me on this one? I got a relationship question.
You ever get the feeling your girlfriend's mad at you and you haven't even done
anything? I think I just heard an exhale.
What's that? You can't talk because of your voice? You're making lunch? Oh,
okay. Okay.
Yeah, I'm recording right now. Yeah. And you hit me with this attitude. I'm
sorry. She, how, what do I want? I just had a, Jesus, this is getting really
awkward.
Yeah. All right. My girlfriend's under the weather and I actually forgot. She
told me she was under the weather like 20 minutes ago and that's how self-absorbed
I am. Cleo, get down. All right. Just listen to this. Okay.
I think I think I also need like female help on this one. Could you take your
hands off your hips and stop staring at me like that? Come on.
Do you not want to do this? If you don't want to do it. Okay. Okay. Bill, I am
currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it.
She just laughed. Huh? This is a female. This is why I have you in here. Can
you just talk to the people with your voice here?
Hi, how are you?
You sound like Demi Moore. I like that. You know what? I already talked about
Andrew McCartney, right? Brought up Rob Lowe. I got the whole bread pack here.
Why don't you, you don't trust me. You got to look on your face like you're not
trusting me, like I'm going to make you look stupid. I'm not.
I generally want your help on this. It's a low budget podcast. We only have one
microphone.
All right. I'm currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it. I love him, but our
relationship isn't working anymore.
I keep making excuses like my schedule has changed. I'm working and going to
school, so I'm just stressed, et cetera, et cetera.
But honestly, the excuses aren't working anymore.
I want us to get back to when we were having fun and sex and not arguing.
He gets frustrated with me when I don't want to cuddle with him at night or
fuck him at 4 a.m.
When I have to get up at 7 in the morning to go to work, then come home at 5
and cook him dinner and get to sleep by 11.
And then she writes, OK, pause in the email.
Why does he want to fuck or cuddle at 4 a.m. when I'm sleeping? Is this like a
guy thing?
I don't understand what he's thinking. This is my argument. It's 4 in the
morning.
Number two, he's half asleep, which means I'll have to wake up and get on top
and do all the work.
What the fuck? Number three, if I don't sleep, I'll be cranky in the morning.
Then I'll be mad at me because I'm being a total bitch.
And four, I like being alone. I love sleeping by myself.
Granted, in the beginning, it was fun to sleep next to him, but now I want my
own bed back.
I don't understand what it is that he's thinking.
OK, continuing. I guess she was digressing here. I'm almost done here.
All right. Are you enjoying this here? OK, she's shaking it in.
She's got a very serious look on her face. This is why I brought her in.
An expert. This is like Oprah, our relationship expert.
OK, here we go. We are planning to move in together, but it's not a good idea
because I'm not really in the relationship anymore.
I'd rather be alone. In addition, is there an axe murderer outside?
In addition, I just really realized that that was.
Yeah. All right. In addition, come close to the mic, sweetie.
Here we go. Sit down. Take a load off. You're not feeling well.
In addition, he's the first man I've ever had sex with.
Don't read this because you read way faster than me.
Just listen to my the soothing tones of my awful voice.
You just snorted when you laughed. That's adorable.
She's the first. He's the only person she's ever had sex with.
Yeah. Now, don't don't comment yet. OK, we're building it up.
We got the listeners riveted at this point.
OK, someone's being hacked to death outside.
In addition, he's the first man I've ever had sex with.
I am faithful to him.
But when we have days like these, I think, is this really as good as it gets?
I'm sure he's thinking the same thing when I'm being an asshole.
That's the femur right there.
That's you really got to give the chainsaw full fucking force there.
Oh, well, they did taking out that tree over there.
OK. Yeah, the sick tree.
We had a sick tree.
Tree had AIDS on our block and just keeled over.
It's very sad.
We stood out there with candles.
It had tree AIDS.
It was HIV positive.
Don't make light of AIDS.
I'm not making light of AIDS.
What are you, Jim Norton?
I'm making...
Jesus!
Jesus!
I don't know who to get more offended.
That you're trashing Jim Norton or you're saying that I'm ripping him off.
You do not!
Why is my voice cracking?
You do not!
All right, let's get back to this.
I don't know.
I could totally be seeing this from a fucked up spot.
Actually, I think I am.
Because he's great!
Now she's going back this week.
She must have her period this week.
She's all over the map.
Ow!
Did you really have to punch me right fucking there?
All right.
He gives me whatever I want.
And as far as material things go, typical broad.
He buys me stuff.
He's great!
I don't want to fuck him anymore.
But look at all this stuff!
He listens to me.
I'm taking this one seriously because I think this girl's in a serious
situation here.
That's why I keep saying serious as many times as I can in the sentence.
Seriously.
He listens to me whenever I whine and he has conversations with me that show me
life from a different perspective.
And he's willing to work at our relationship and he's committed to me.
Those are the things that I love about him.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Right?
I am getting through it.
I got to do fifth.
She just gave me the sign.
Wrap it up.
All right.
Fine.
You're speaking for the listeners.
I'm going.
But I can't live like this anymore.
This girl is all over the map.
I told him once that I wanted some space.
Like I wanted to wake up alone some days.
And he blew it out of proportion and says, okay, I'll give you plenty of space.
Let's break up.
He did that shit.
And then she said, I asked if that's what he wanted because that wasn't looking
like the worst option in the world.
Oh, Jesus.
But his voice cracked and he said, no, that's not what I want.
So long story short, I'm still waking up to him.
He still asked why we can't fuck at 4 a.m. and we're still engaged.
I'm willing to say if we can make a few adjustments in our relationship.
I'm willing to stay if we can make a few adjustments in our relationship.
Otherwise, how do I get out and hurt him the least?
What?
All right.
Here we go.
I brought in a female for this one because I know what – you want me to tell
you what I'm thinking first?
No.
Okay.
No, I don't.
She needs to break up with him.
Okay.
And why?
Because she doesn't love him anymore.
She's not in love with him.
She recognizes all his good traits and stuff, but that's not a reason to stay
with someone.
If she can't give him what he needs – because at no point did she say –
well, no.
She talked about him wanting to cuddle and this and that and that and that.
I think the 4 a.m. doesn't mean anything.
I think he just wants to be close to her, and that's the one time that maybe
she slows down and is in bed.
And that's where he can wrap his arms around her and do all that sort of thing.
Because it sounds like she's super busy all the time.
So he wants to spend that time with her.
So let's stay on track here.
So why do you feel like she should break up with him?
Because she's not in love with him anymore.
Clearly.
She's not in love with him anymore.
She loves him.
He's a great guy.
But she's not in love with him.
Yeah.
No, she isn't.
She needs to call it off.
Yeah.
I think that she's bringing up the good traits as she's trying to convince
herself to stay in the relationship because she doesn't want to hurt him.
Yes.
She wants to be alone.
She's not ready to get married.
And that's fine.
He's going to be heartbroken no matter what because obviously he is in love
with her.
He wants to work it out.
But it's cliche, but it's like if she really loves him, then she will let him
go so that he can find somebody that wants to do all that kind of stuff that
she's –
Right.
Not because she's a bad person.
Okay, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before we get going.
Before we get going.
Let's – what's the – what's the – this is a great topic for the podcast.
Breaking up with somebody sucks because you get – you know, they're going to
start whimpering, you know, and you're going to dry their tears with the dirty
pages of a TV guide.
And I don't know.
I was thinking about a coffee table.
What would be on the – I always break up with girls near a coffee table.
Do you?
Well, yeah.
You're not going to be sitting on the bed.
You're on the bed.
You're going to want to fuck.
No.
Sorry.
I just sometimes say dumb shit on this.
What is the best way?
What is the best way to break up with someone to hurt them the least?
Do you have a technique?
No.
There's no way.
Well, could you try to be funny on this thing and just try to come up with a
technique?
I got one for you.
Send him a card that is actually for like a good occasion so it'll have like
balloons and like silly animals on it.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
And on the inside it says, I'm breaking up.
Yeah, exactly.
You cross out all the good stuff.
Or you add words.
Yeah.
You aren't the love of my life.
But there's going to be all these cool pictures.
You have a new life.
Congratulations.
She could find a girl to, oh, she could be like, oh, let's have a threesome and
find like a really hot, sexy, funny, amazing girl.
And they all have like dinner and drinks and all have a good time.
Go back to the bedroom and they all start doing it.
And she could slowly slip out.
And she's got her bags packed already.
Yeah.
It's like, you know what?
That's like.
And she drives away while the two of them are having like probably amazing sex.
That's fucking awesome.
And she never sees them again.
But he's left with this really awesome girl.
Yeah.
And you know what's funny?
No, it's okay.
You know what's funny is he would get no sympathy.
He went to the bar.
He's like, my girlfriend broke up with me.
Oh, God, dude.
How she did it?
How did she do it?
Was she fucking, we had a threesome and I start, this unbelievably hot girl, I
start banging.
She just slipped out of the window.
I'd be like, wait a minute.
That's like, you know what that's like?
That's like as a comedian, if you have to cancel a gig, but you do the effort
to give them a replacement comedian.
So there's, there's no pain.
Yeah.
That's what she should do.
Ladies and gentlemen, how about a round of applause?
I knew there was a reason I brought you and that was fucking awesome.
Fucking Nia.
There you go.
Good for you.
Good for you.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you for being on the podcast.
This is, you know what, this is this weird thing.
Like when you do panel on a talk show and no matter what, when the person wraps
it up, you feel, you still feel slighted.
Like I was just killing there.
We're going to commercial.
Well, listen, thanks a lot.
Good luck on your movie.
We're going to be right back with the Monday morning podcast.
That was fucking awesome.
High five.
There you go.
Go make me a sandwich.
All right.
All right.
Huh?
How fucking cool is she?
Jesus Christ.
There's no reason to even, to even try and top that one.
I was, I thought that was going to be a new, uh, a new segment on the podcast.
Wow.
If she ever breaks up with me, she better fucking do it that way.
Cause that would, uh, I wonder how long into the threesome before you actually
fucking discovered it, you know?
And is that technically a threesome?
You know, because if you didn't bang the ot