Name: Bill Burr _ My first mushrooms experience!
Uploaded: 2022-07-29T00:49:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ My first mushrooms experience!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ My first mushrooms experience!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-29. Transcript available.

- I've actually, you wouldn't know it
from all the ignorant shit I've said so far,
but I am a changed person, believe it or not.
I am.
I had an experience earlier this year,
this is all true, now you don't think so?
Some guy just yelled bullshit.
Are you saying bullshit, sir, 'cause you don't believe me
or 'cause you don't want me to leave?
Is that what it is?
The little angry circle that you're in?
Don't be goin' gettin' happy now.
Don't be goin' gettin' soft on me.
Don't start huggin' people and lovin' yourself.
And cryin' when you see somethin' cute, hang on to it.
Lash out at people.
Reach for your pistol under the seat, do it.
No, I took mushrooms back in February,
for the first time ever.
I know.
This is the perfect state to tell this story.
You guys should literally have,
you should have mushrooms on your fuckin' license plate.
All right, so here's the deal.
I never fucked with anything like that.
I was always a booze guy.
I was a booze guy, you know.
Yeah, you know, I like, all right, relax everybody.
I always get nervous when I get white guys going like,
yeah, all right, woo, ah, build the wall, okay, ah, ah.
I'm just, I'm fuckin' around, relax.
It's frightening to listen to,
but that's what bein' a guy is.
You're not allowed to have emotions.
So that's, all of that shit comes out when you drink, ah, ah, ah.
Do somethin' dumb so I don't feel stupid.
Ah, ah, ah.
So, yeah, I was always like a booze guy,
so like I never fucked with like psychedelics or whatever.
So I figured, you know, it was just one of those deals.
I was out in the desert, man, and I was like, all right,
I got somebody watching my kids, everything's fine.
I'm in my 50s, if I gotta do it now,
or I'm never gonna do it, right?
So, this person, who may or may not have been
my opening act tonight, goes, all right, man.
He's a good man, he's a good man.
He says to me, he goes, all right.
He goes, okay, just, you know, just take like, you know,
you know, it's always just like, all right.
So, like, how fucked up do you wanna get, all right?
And there's always like a square and it's like, okay,
don't eat the whole square.
Just like, bite one corner, lick the other one
and then rub the other one and let it absorb
in your face or whatever.
So, I'm like, all right.
He goes, how far into it do you wanna go?
I go, I just wanna trip a little bit,
nothing fucking crazy, so he goes, fine.
So, I eat just a little bit.
So, I get a little nauseous or whatever.
At first, it feels like I ate some weed,
but then all of a sudden, like, I notice shit
that's not alive, looks like it's breathing, right?
Like, the refrigerator looked like it just did
a lap around the house, it's kinda...
Nothing threatening, you know?
It's just like, you know, it needed it, you know?
TV started getting bigger.
It's looking like it's gonna fall on me, all right?
And I was doing fine, I was fine.
I was like, I know that TV's not getting bigger
and if it is, I don't give a shit, go ahead.
Spill that pixelation all over me, I don't give a fuck.
I know I'm tripping, I'm having fun, I'm giggling,
I'm laughing at shit, I'm putting things together, right?
And everything is fucking great.
And all of a sudden, about an hour in,
all of a sudden, this profound sense of loneliness
and not feeling loved, just washed over me, yeah.
And I was just like, I fucking knew it.
I fucking knew it, this is why I didn't do it.
I knew I had too many demons,
I knew I wasn't gonna see God and fucking unicorns
and slide down the rainbow and roll around in the grass.
I fucking knew, Satan was coming up.
There was gonna be a guy with a knife and shit.
I was just like, all right, go ahead, drag me into the abyss.
Let me see how fucked up I am.
And this feeling, it just enveloped me.
And I don't even know how to describe it.
It wasn't even a feeling, it just was, it just was.
So I'm freaking the fuck, I'm just sitting there like,
what the fuck, I can't get out of it, dude.
Like, I could walk a hundred fucking million miles.
I can't walk out of it, it just was.
So I didn't want to, everybody else is like tripping.
I don't want to fucking ruin their trip.
So I'm just like, all right, dude,
I'm just gonna go to the bedroom, you know.
And hold it in the refrigerator, refrigerator.
I'm just feeling a little nauseous.
Oh yeah.
Just playing it off, right?
Going into the fucking bedroom.
And I'm just laying down in the bedroom like,
dude, what the fuck?
What the fuck?
And every time, every time I thought I felt the bottom,
it would just, just further into the bed.
Further into the bed.
Further into the bed.
So about a half hour later, my wife comes in.
She's like, hey, how you doing?
Typical guy.
Good.
Doing great.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Doing great.
It's going great.
So she's laying next to me, going, I'm feeling a little nauseous.
This is a little bit much for me.
And she's just laying down.
And I'm just feeling this feeling.
Not feeling loved, profound sense of loneliness.
So now, I'm just looking at my wife.
My brain just starts going like, oh, fuck.
Did I marry the wrong person?
Why am I looking at it?
I know that seems fucked up.
But once you're married long enough, even not on mushrooms,
you have that thought every fucking six weeks.
You just do.
Something happens where you just look at the side of their head
and just do the math and just think, why did I ever talk to you?
Why didn't-- I could have just walked by.
I didn't have to say hello.
We had no relationship.
We were nothing.
Why did I ever talk?
What would happen if I just never talked to you?
Every six weeks, you think, that's a healthy relationship.
That means you've still held on to a part of yourself.
That even though you love this person, you know, you're still--
you know, you still want to fucking run around
like a Mustang a little bit, right?
So anyways, I'm like, OK.
I was like, dude, that was freaking me out even more
to think of my wife and be feeling that.
So I was like, fuck, fuck, I need to pull the ripcord.
I got to get out of this.
I got to get out of this fucking--
it's like a giant bean bag.
I couldn't get out of it, right?
So I was like, oh, fuck.
Think about your kids.
Think about your kids.
Now, my kids, I love my kids.
And I know they love me.
There is no fucking question.
And I start thinking about my kids.
And I still felt that feeling.
And I was like, all right, what the fuck is this?
Because I know that's bullshit.
And I just sort of laid there.
And I relaxed.
And I went, oh, fuck.
I know.