Name: Bill Burr _ Caught My Girlfriend Making Out With Another Guy On Vacation! [Advice]
Uploaded: 2022-07-31T19:19:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Caught My Girlfriend Making Out With Another Guy On Vacation! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Caught My Girlfriend Making Out With Another Guy On Vacation! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-31. Transcript available.

All right. Dear Bill, I need some advice. I'm 30 years old and I've been seeing
this lady for the past four months and things have been getting I've gotten
pretty serious.
I'm already having dinner at her parents house frequently. Oh, Jesus. Going to
her family parties. Oh, Jesus. Spending the holidays together. Jesus Christ.
I'm practically part of the family already. To use her father's words. And to
be honest, I'm cool with it.
I love this girl. She's great. All right. So what's the problem? So so great.
In fact, we decided to do New York New Year's in Palm Beach together at her
cousin's place.
Now he finally writes. Oh, Jesus. All right. Now what's going to happen? See, I
like some of these these these letters that they set him up like a great movie.
Like he set this up like this is perfect. This is like a Norman Rockwell parent.
Yeah. Parent painting. Everything's going great.
Now all of a sudden. He's going to New Year's in Palm Beach together at a
cousin's place.
What? Why? What could possibly go wrong? This is this is very well written.
This guy gets a star anyway.
So we go out the night before New Year's. There's a whole group of us and I
head off to take a piss.
I come back and see my girl dancing and making out with some other guy. Oh, who
wasn't a member of our group. Oh, well, who gives a shit even if he was a
member of the group?
It's another guy. I'm obviously flummoxed. This educated son of a bitch.
I decided to interrupt their little makeout session on the dance floor. It
would have continued unabated if I hadn't stepped in.
So I pushed the guy aside, hand her back her purse. Yes, I was carrying her
purse for her.
It fit into my back pocket in case you're wondering. I was wondering. And I
leave the bar.
The bar is called the Cusina. Yeah. Kitchen. Right. Right. I think so.
Yeah. I am a little Spanish right there. I am outside just beside myself with
anger and she doesn't follow me out.
I go back to her cousin's place and go to bed around 3 a.m.
The texts come in. Nothing happened. I didn't do anything.
She finally cops to it. And just in her defense, she says, I'm just not used to
having a boyfriend and I don't think you know how drunk I was.
So happy New Year's. This was in a text message. No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no. When she when she showed up to him, she says, she finally just said,
look, I'm just she.
Yeah, fine. I fucked the guy. I'm just not used to having a boyfriend.
OK. And I don't think you realize how drunk I was. Wow. Yes.
See. And you can be that honest. You know what I mean?
I could never be that honest with you because you could throw a vase at me and
then the cops would arrest me for breaking the vase with my forehead.
Anyways, he goes, he goes, should I chalk this up to a dumb, drunk mistake and
patch things up?
No, I've been I'm having trouble being objective about this.
This is this is really got me fucked up and hurting. Yeah, dude.
Yeah, that was that was a ridiculous level of acting out. Yeah.
On her part. That's that's that's crazy.
That is absolutely crazy. That is some wacky stuff. That's wacky.
That's a real some real wacky stuff.
No, she made out with a guy right in front of you.
He knows. What are you talking about?
He knows. He knows he's supposed to. He's fucking stunned.
Yeah. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That's pretty stunning.
We're in the goddamn trauma unit right now. And you go and you stepped on a
landmine.
Yeah. Move on, sweetheart. Yeah. No, that is a retain some dignity and yes. And
walk away.
You basically just imagine if you discovered that 17 years in married with four
kids that half look like you and half look like this should have been stripper.
All right. You dodged a bullet and yeah, it's going to hurt.
And that's really what that really is, dude, is aside from your feelings, that's
your fucking manhood being hurt right there.
And you don't have to look at it objectively.
Let me finish for fuck's sake.
As a guy, that shit's not supposed to happen, right?
Because you're supposed to put it on them and they're supposed to be mesmerized
by your dick.
And the reality is, is that's not what it's like.
And when you discovered that, that's, that's a tough day.
Uh, yeah.
But you don't have to look at it objectively.
And then you never trust those broads again.
You never trust them again.
No.
And it's the safest place you can be.
No.
Number three.
But don't look at it objectively.
Shut it last Saturday.
It was a shitty, horrible thing that happened and you should be feeling all of
those feelings, including anger.
So, but just walk away.
It's over.
Yeah, that's what you should do is just walk away.
Although, I would be tempted to pull a female move and get some revenge and I
would tell her dad, you know, what he.
Do you know what a slut you raised?
Do you know what a slut you're in love with?
That's half your DNA.
Did she get that from your fucking wife?
No, no, no, no.
No, yeah.
Yeah, don't do that.
There's no need to go.
There's no need to.
No, no.
Because then he'll look like an asshole and then he'll understand why she did
it.
I'm trying to inflict the most pain here.
Ah, walk away.
I don't do revenge.
Don't do that shit.
All right.
Number three.
Let's say.
Let's say.
Say.
As they say in Boston.
Say.
Come on over and fucking say.
There's no consonants in that word.
Say.
Thursday, Friday, say.
I always do that with previty.
Say.
Unless say I was out with my friends and I was shit faced.
We were at a bar and I was sitting at a table when I saw the girl.
Saw the girl.
She was absolutely beautiful.
I don't know why, but something told me I had to go up to that girl.
See, they always start fucking phenomenally.
Sun was out.
Jesus was walking on the clouds.
She saw me looking at her and I get her a, and I give her a wink when she
smiled at me.
Jesus, you went with that?
Did you give her the double point too?
Um, I then tried, I then turned to my friends and said loudly, give me a
fucking pen.
Oh, Jesus.
Is he drunk?
Give me a fucking pen.
Uh, they gave me a pen and I wrote my number on a napkin and went over to her
and her friend.
I slapped the napkin.
This guy's, I love this guy.
This guy's got, maybe you're wearing a scarf too?
This guy's like the most interesting man in the world.
I love him.
He's wrestling a badger in the corner.
Hang on a second.
Give me a pen.
He goes, I slapped the napkin on the table and went to her, went to her ear and
said,
I don't drink often, but I think you are fucking beautiful and walked away.
What?
What?
No, he's hammered.
This is fucking hilarious.
I totally missed the joke in this.
This guy is completely fucking hammered.
Right.
So he's sitting there head bobbling, winks at her.
I don't drink often, but I think you're fucking beautiful.
Call this number, it's going to change your life, sweetheart.
Oh, I love this guy.
So anyways, being shit face, I didn't know any better.
And I guess I went to the table and put my head.
What?
I went to the table and put my head was down at that point, according to my
friends.
She wanted to know what my name was and stuff.
So my friends went over and talked to her and talked me up.
Before she left, she came up to me.
This guy's still in the game here and told me her and her friends were leaving
to go to a different bar.
I asked her her name.
We talked a little bit and she left with her friends.
I told her, please text me.
Three, four days passed and I hadn't heard anything.
I couldn't get her out of my head.
She was seriously the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
Yeah.
After drinking a 12-pack of Keystone.
I was going to say.
And there was something about her.
I know I was shit face, but I have never felt that way.
I looked online for her on Facebook.
The other person she was with had gone to high school with.
We weren't friends, but we knew each other.
I found the girl on her friend list.
There we go.
I know that is creepy, but I want to message her and tell her I am sorry for
being so drunk.
But I really want to talk to her.
I feel she wouldn't have come up to me before she left to my friends and asked
my friends my name if she wasn't somewhat intrigued.
I don't think that's creepy.
Nowadays, the old school, when I grew up, that's not creepy.
I think if you just say, listen, I'm sorry I was so drunk the other night.
I really meant what I said.
And I'm sure this freaks you out.
I don't even say freaking it out.
I'm not trying to invade your privacy.
I just wanted to say I meant those things that I said.
Respectfully yours.
Here's my phone number, my address.
Yeah, and just leave it at that.
And leave it at that.
There you go.
No more communication after that because then you're venturing into weird
territory.
All right, what time we got on the podcast here?
What am I?
1-0-2-19.
All right, all right.
Well, we're getting close to the end here.
We got overrated and underrated.
With that, also, I want to remind everybody that Amazon thing's been working
out for me.
It's a good thing, so I don't have to charge for the podcast.
So this is basically what I've been telling people.
If you're going to buy something on Amazon, rather than going directly to
Amazon.com, go to BillBird.com, click on Podcast.
And on the right-hand side, you'll see just under the iTunes link, you'll see
the Amazon window.
And you just click on that, and I will get credit for driving traffic to Amazon.com.
You don't have to hit anything else after that.
And I'm not telling you to buy anything.
I'm just saying if you're going to.
And you're going to go to Amazon, just please go to BillBird.com first.
Even if you're just going to browse.
Even if you're just going to browse for something.
I don't know if it works that way.
They've got to spend some money.
Oh, they do?
Yeah.
It's like I'm driving people to a drug dealer.
Even if you're just going to look at the cocaine.
Can I just sniff it for a second?
And then, no.
They need to make their money.
Sniff it for a second.
Yeah.
Even if you're just going to browse.
If you just want to see what they're doing with their website.
Yeah, that's it.
It's a great way to donate to the podcast.
And like I said, 10% of all donations will then go on to the Wounded Warriors
Project.
So you support this podcast.
You support the troops.
America.
America.
That's right.
Buy shit you don't need.
Support the troops.
It's all right there.
A couple of clicks of the mouse.