Name: Bill Burr On Boiling Lobsters!
Uploaded: 2022-08-02T21:29:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr On Boiling Lobsters!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr On Boiling Lobsters!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-02. Transcript available.

Oh, my God, where is the fucking summer going?
I've barely had time to get a lobster roll.
Have you had the lobster roll down at Mark's?
Oh, it's to fucking die for.
The only thing I don't like is the fucking line is so goddamn long
I go through half a pack of ciggies waiting for it.
By the time I get up there, I've burned all my taste buds
so I can't taste the lobster butter.
Yeah, it's August 1st. Who the fuck knew?
I don't, I don't, by the way, I don't fuck with lobsters.
Can you tell I'm tired as shit?
I took a fucking, I don't know, red eye, but not a red eye.
Early morning flight back.
I barely slept because there was a bunch of comics in the plane.
Coming back from Montreal.
I had a great time up there at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
Before I get into that, let's talk about why I don't fuck with lobster.
Because they boil them alive.
And then people who aren't lobsters say that the lobsters don't feel anything.
Rather than they don't have a voice to be like,
um, could you turn down the heat a little bit?
I'm getting a little red in my lobster ass.
Right?
They can't say anything.
You know?
There aren't many fish that say anything.
Unless they're mammals.
Then they kind of run their yaps.
Is that dolphin a mammal?
Because it's got a couple little fucking whiskers.
You know, like that dude who can just never grow a beard his whole fucking life.
That's actually a good thing.
If you're pretty hairless, usually means you keep it on top of your head.
But those fucking guys with the hairy backs in gym class in like 8th grade,
they fucking look like a substitute teacher by the time they're 19.
Yeah, I don't fuck with lobster.
I still don't understand.
You know, I bet if I was to look right now.
If I was to be inquisitive, I would look this up right now.
Okay.
Humane way to cook lobster.
All right?
Which is kind of funny.
Because you imagine if lobsters ate us.
Oh, believe me, buddy.
If they could, they would.
They could get, if those fucking claws were a little bit bigger,
they'd take a lot more than just your finger.
How do we do this here?
Let's see here.
Lobster is best when killed immediately before cooking.
Well, shit, let's get to it.
Unless you bought a frozen lobster,
what you brought home from the market is alive and kicking,
and that leaves the task up to the cook.
What is the most humane way to dispatch of a lobster?
Well, I respect this article because it says,
it did say killed.
So they're not trying to, like, sugarcoat killed.
This is just good writing because they already said killed in the paragraph.
And for some reason, when you're writing,
it's not good to repeat words like that.
You look for synonyms even though when regular,
when people are just talking, they repeat the same words all the time.
Like, are you fucking kidding me?
Dude, are you fucking kidding me?
You know, a better writer would have said,
dude, are you fucking kidding me?
And then be like, bro,
kid, are you fucking shitting me?
While plunging the live lobster into a pot of boiling water will surely be
fatal,
there is some to debate as to whether it is cruel.
Now, who the fuck in the world is like,
it's not cruel.
It's absolutely cruel.
It's whether or not you give a fuck that you're doing it.
The lobster's thrashing tail often makes a knocking sound inside the pot,
sometimes loosening the lid.
And that can make the cook or those nearby waiting for dinner a bit
uncomfortable.
Yeah, I wish this thing getting boiled alive wouldn't quit disrupting our meal.
Hey, we're over here trying to eat the appetizers.
Could you fucking get boiled alive a little quieter?
But does the lobster suffer?
The jury is still out on this one,
but most chef agrees that dispatching a lobster before cooking is the best
approach.
Killing before cooking.
There are a few ways to kill a lobster.
Oh, Jesus.
But there's only one way to get it in the pot.
By doing it before cooking,
you have the option to boil, bake, steam, or cook it another way.
Freeze the lobster by placing it in the free...
Oh, my...
Now it's got to freeze to death.
What would you choose?
Boil to...
You got to go freeze to death.
You got to go with the cold.
There's me some asshole out there going,
well, actually, if you boil to death,
it'd be over quicker.
They're both agonizing deaths.
Shut up, fucking death expert.
Freeze the lobster by placing it in the freezer for 30 to 60 minutes before
putting it...
You can't just fucking take a little club and hit him on the head.
There you go.
A quicker option is to plunge a knife straight down into the carapace,
part of the exoskeleton on the lobster's back.
Paste the tip of the sharp chef's knife behind the lobster's eyes,
right below where the claws meet the body,
and halfway to the first joint.
Swiftly plunge the knife down through the head.
The legs will continue to move a bit,
but the lobster is, in fact, dead.
Why is there so many mysteries with these fucking lobsters
about whether they're feeling shit,
whether they're alive or dead?
I'm getting to the point where I'm going to start blaming the victim.
You know, maybe if these lobsters knew how to communicate a little better,
they could avoid such a horrible death.
Um...