Name: Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice @BillBurrOfficial #billburr
Uploaded: 2022-08-04T12:52:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice @BillBurrOfficial #billburr' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice @BillBurrOfficial #billburr' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-04. Transcript available.

Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice @BillBurrOfficial #billburr

Yeah. Guys are morons, and a man can lose a fucking ring, all right?
The only way a woman can lose a ring is if she's cleaning it near a sink, okay?
And she doesn't understand plumbing, and then later turns on the water and
sends it through the J-trap, all right?
He's going to feel the weak side pressure on the J-trap on flood-down
situations.
When a woman loses a ring, you've got to understand, like, that's so many of
them.
That's the thing. The ring, they get to fucking stick it under their fucking
girlfriend's noses.
Yeah, bitch. Yeah, right? They live for that.
It's like you getting a game-worn jersey.
All right, so she lost the fucking engagement ring. Wow.
Eventually, things spiraled out of control, and she left me in June of 2013
saying I deserved better.
All right, well, that means either she doesn't love herself, and, like, when I'm
saying that you deserve better,
what I would immediately think is that if a woman ever said that to me, that's
like, all right,
you fucked around on me, and how many times.
Anyways, this put me in a huge state of depression, to which I credit your
podcast for helping me out.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Come to find out, she banged four different guys from June to August.
There you go.
And those are just the ones she admitted to.
Okay?
That's like when you come home buzzed or drunk in high school, and your parents
go,
how many beers have you had?
How many, what do you say?
Two.
If you're really shit-faced, you'll say four.
And she said four.
So what does that mean?
She had a 12-pack of dick.
All right, in August, she came back into my life after she said she went,
she, too, went through a depression.
She was living even further away now, but still wanted to try and make things
work some type of way.
Finally, February of this year, I got the chance we were waiting on.
I went house hunting.
Oh, Jesus, dude, what are you doing?
Where she lived in an attempt to make things right.
I had come to find out she had been banging a married guy with kids and also
talking to someone else,
telling me, wait, and also talking to someone else while telling me she wanted
me.
I confronted her, and she basically said all I'll ever be to her is a fucking
FaceTime friend.
What?
You confronted her, and she said all I'll ever be to her is a fucking FaceTime
friend.
A week ago, she called me, and now she wants to be friends again.
I love this girl.
That is your problem, sir.
That is the only reason why you're writing me, because everything you're saying,
this is a joke.
Your decision.
He goes, I love this girl very much despite what she's done to me.
Kind of like eating sugar.
It's good, but it fucks you in the long run.
My question to you is, do I throw all my chips in this time, or do I fold?
And yes, I'm probably an idiot.
Either way, thanks for the laughs, and go fuck yourself.
P.S.
Do a show in Mississippi already.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
That's on my bucket list.
I'm going to do one down there.
All right, here's the deal, dude.
This is the deal.
Your heart is clouding your brain right now.
All right?
And here's a great expression that somebody said that their therapist told them
one time.
They said, I don't let chaos live in my life.
All right?
This is the deal.
She has come from some sort of unhealthy fucking background where she feels
that, yeah, she's got some sort of low self-esteem thing, I'm guessing.
She just thinks that she's a piece of shit, probably doesn't deserve a great
guy like you.
So she deliberately went out and sabotaged it, probably because she's used to
being around a bunch of dysfunctional fucking people.
So when she actually found somebody outside of her wheelhouse, she ran back to
the comfort of that dysfunctional horse shit.
All right?
That is not your fucking problem.
Okay?
When you're trying to find the person that you're supposed to fucking be with,
you have to find somebody that is as right as rain.
All right?
That's why you ask the questions, are your parents still together?
What are your relationships?
Like, all the red flags.
Both for men and women, listen to this thing.
Okay?
If they have issues with their fucking parents and they don't fucking speak to
them and they have a lot of anger issues towards their family, fucking walk.
Walk.
All right?
If you're young, you're drafting in the first round.
Okay?
Okay?
That's the Dez Bryant pick.
Like fucking Bill Belichick.
He passed on that one.
And everyone's like, dude, what are you talking about?
That's a fucking 10.
And look at him.
I'm not saying the dude isn't a 10.
I'm not saying he's not a world-class fucking athlete.
But all the baggage that comes with that horse shit.
You got to look at it like that.
So, what you need to do is, you know, all right, you want to compare it to
sugar?
You want to get over your sugar addiction?
Just go cold turkey.
All right?
Six days fucking in.
Okay?
You're going to start to turn and you're going to be looking at candy and cake
and pies going, why the fuck would I ever eat that?
Because it's out of your system.
And that's how you're going to look at her.
Why the fuck would I ever eat that?
Yeah.
Dude, that's not the mother of your kids, man.
You know, that right there is a Hank Williams song waiting to be written.
If you marry her and you have kids with her.
All right?
I mean, dude, that's the kind of woman that could turn you into a fucking
alcoholic.
You need to walk away.
All right?
And you know what?
You live in Mississippi, so you understood that fucking Hank Williams reference.
All right?
Walk away and stay single for a while until you get that craven out of you.
Because it's not fair for you to get into another relationship with that shit
there.
And you probably want to, Bill, how do you know all this shit?
Because I'm a fucking piece of shit.
And I've been, like, all of these questions, I've been both people.
I've been the person that fucked around.
I've been the person that got fucked around on.
I've made horrible fucking decisions and all of that shit.
And it wasn't until I finally fucking decided to, you know, stop surrounding
myself with fucking people that reminded me of people that I grew up with.
And actually tried to create a winning culture in the locker room.
So that's what you need to do.
You need to draft character first.
All right?
There's plenty of beautiful women that came from wonderful families.
And those, that's the one, that's the keeper.
All right?
I know what the, okay?
A woman like this is fucking your brains out.
I know she is, okay?
And that's the sugar right there, okay?
So you got to let that go.
All right?
Here's the deal.
Next time you're thinking about calling her, rub one out.
I'm dead serious.
Fucking rub one out.
And the second you're done, I bet as your orgasm, you're going to, this, you're
going to be like,
Oh, thank God I didn't call her.
That's what's going to happen.
All right.
And remember that thought.
Okay.
Ex won't sell house.
Dear Bill, big fan.
Met you in Jacksonville a while back.
I have a quick question for you.
My ex-fiancé and I were together for four and a half years.
Why the fuck did you buy a house with somebody you're not married to?
All right.
That doesn't help you.
But for anybody listening, do not buy a house.
Do not live with somebody.
You're not going to marry.
Do not buy a house with somebody you're not going to, if you're not married.
Don't do that shit.
Anyways, during the relationship, she re, she remained loyal while I was
deployed to the
Middle East.
And upon my return, I used my saved up money to buy a house with her near the
beach.
Oh, my God.
If this fucking woman is going to somehow make a claim to your house that you
bought with
your serving for our country, putting your life on the line money, this would
be a new
level of whoredom.
Is that a new word?
I think whoredom.
All right.
That might not even be.
I know it's a new word, but that might not be the proper usage of it already,
which
would be very apropos for the type of fucking moron I am.
All right.
Hang on a second.
Where the hell am I?
It's okay.
It was her dream house.
And I felt that if the deployment didn't ruin us, that nothing would.
Well, I was wrong.
We decided to split and I tried to be amicable.
Did I say that right?
And let her keep the house?
If she could pay me the closing cost of about eight grand.
This is what guys do.
They just want to cut bait and fucking leave.
Women got that fucking, they burrow in.
She agreed.
All right.
Why did you do that?
She agreed and I moved.
You bought the fucking house?
Did she kick in for it?
Maybe I'm being too hard on her.
I don't know.
She agreed and I moved back home to New Jersey to start a new life.
It's been nearly a year and she has stalled every effort to get this resolved.
When a contract was finally in place, she decided it needed some amendments to
protect herself that basically left me with less money than we agreed and
getting her a house worth 150 grand for 8,000 bucks.
Dude, I swear to fucking God.
If I read one more of these fucking stories, all right?
If you're some fucking woman, all right?
And you host one of these shows where you're always talking about the shit that
men do.
How about you balance it out?
The way I balance it out saying that Lucic did a piece of shit fucking move.
Why don't you bring this shit up?
This is ridiculous.
He goes, I threw out the contract and contacted a realtor to list the house.
There you go.
She's refused to sell and her name is on the title because I'm a fucking idiot.
Long story short, after I threatened a lawsuit, a mysterious man who called
himself a family friend emailed me and asked to act as the facilitator for the
deal between the two of us.
My ex, dude, don't give in to that.
My ex has not been involved since and this guy is a real cunt who is only out
for her.
My cousin who is a lawyer is guiding me through the process, but I need some
advice from you on how to resolve this issue.
I just found out that the family friend is my new ex's new boyfriend.
I could have told you that.
My question is, how do I let them know that I know?
I'm like a serial killer who needs to be caught.
What?
I'm like a serial killer who needs to be caught her man.
Caught here, man?
What?
Typo there.
I can't resist them thinking I don't.
I guess, no anymore.
I thought a nice joke about her having herpes would be a good start.
I joke that she was too selfish to even give me that.
Any feedback or advice on the podcast would really be appreciated.
I usually say cut bait, but fuck that.
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
You have two options here.
And I don't want to tell you what the second one is.
The first one is, well, you have three.
Fight this, which I would.
Walk away from it, which I wouldn't.
And number three would involve a convenient accident that happened to the house.
But even then, then she'd probably fight you for the, uh...
Ah, okay, they'd figure out you started the fire.
Don't, don't.
I shouldn't even brought that up.
Listen.
This is what you gotta do.
You just gotta accept the fact...
That you're in for a long fight here.
And that lawyers are gonna get most of the money.
But that bitch is not gonna get the house.
Now.
To go that route.
Oh, God.
I don't want to tell you to quit.
But my world, I would just be like, look, you want a $150,000 fucking dollar
house, just take the fucking house.
Free and clear.
It costs you $150,000 to get rid of this fucking devil woman that's gonna take
that new guy down.
She's gonna take that guy down.
This is, I mean, granted, I only heard your side of the story.
Alright, and I'm taking this as the truth.
And if this is the truth, that that, that's not the, that's not...
You don't want that devil woman in your fucking life.
That is some evil fucking shit.
Um.
Okay, I gotta walk away from this story because it's actually making me fucking
mad.
And I don't have a dog in the fight here.
What I'm doing is I am inserting myself into the story.
Who I would be in this fucking story.
Oof.
Oh, Jesus, dude.
You'r