Name: Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice Compilation _ 4 hours of advice for the insomniacs!
Uploaded: 2022-08-05T14:45:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice Compilation _ 4 hours of advice for the insomniacs!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice Compilation _ 4 hours of advice for the insomniacs!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-05. Transcript available.

Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice Compilation _ 4 hours of advice for the insomniacs!

all right the unicorn uh i'd love your feedback slash advice on this i recently
met a very sweet
smart and attractive lady uh we've been texting back and forth for a few days
getting to know
each other and eventually got to the how many people have you slept with
question
okay i was up front and honest and told her my number and when it was her turn
she told me she
was a virgin that's right she's a unicorn i've never heard that expression but
it doesn't stop
there she went on to tell me she's never had a boyfriend keep in mind she's 21
okay uh don't get
me wrong i'm old school and love that she's a virgin especially in this world
of full of who is
but it's still weird um jesus no please you just called every other woman out
there basically who
gives sex whores and then she's weird all right we went on the first date a few
days later and she
lived up to my expectations she was hot smart funny and i had a great time my
question is how is it
possible that the smoking hot and seemingly perfect girl is a virgin let alone
has never had a boyfriend
i'm not complaining but i'm wondering if she's lying or if there's something
that i don't see
well i mean i think you're gonna physically you're gonna i think you're gonna
you know
unless she played softball and the ball took a weird hop right uh wait whose
story was that
oh my god that just popped out of my head that was a comic from way back when i
don't even think
she does it anymore used to tell a story on stage about how she was playing
some sport and she got
hit and broke her hymen um i don't fucking i don't know what to tell you dude
he said what's he saying
i don't want to get into something with her and then find out she's a crazy or
worse thank you for
the feedback and as always go fuck yourself so do what just keep dating her and
just see how it goes
if she's fucking nuts walk away if she is great i mean 21 i mean that's a
little older but i mean it's
it's not like 31 you know 26 27 that's when you're starting to go like you know
but someone could just
be really fucking walled off really could have had overbearing parents or
whatever um i don't know
she kind of really let you in and told something really intimate about herself
um you're you're you're
just in a spot where you're waiting for the other shoe to drop so if i was you
i'd be asking myself
why am i asking that who did i date before this that's making me think that
this is going to be an
absolute shit show now look i would be lying to you if i if i said that um you
know if some woman was
smoking hot or something like that came up to me i would think at some point
someone would have talked
her in to the rack by 21 nowadays but 21 isn't that old um i say you write it
out it's a good enough
situation see what happens and uh if you're worried that she's a psycho just
you know just don't get
too fucking uh you know crazy and like with the chick and then you know after a
while
i don't know maybe you could actually have a conversation with her at some
point
don't be so blunt like how how some fucking chick as hot as you never had a
dick in her i mean don't
say it like that just be like i don't know you know what don't listen to me don't
fucking bring
that up i but i would continue to see her if you're having a good time i would
continue to see her
and um you know if you're really concerned i would just hide the knives in your
kitchen
the first time she stays over you know just make sure the bat's on your side of
the bed
to really think there's going to be a problem but uh that's if she even gets in
the bed so we'll see
advice strip club with wife oh jesus a buildo uh that's a good one i've heard
that one before but
it's always nice to bring that one back me and my wife and six of our friends
are planning a trip to
vegas early next year bars strip clubs the whole shebang i'm 27 and my wife is
26 we've been married
for four years i was wondering if you and nia or past girlfriends have gone to
strip clubs together
and if so what's the etiquette neither me and my wife have been to a strip club
before obviously i
wouldn't mind taking in the sights but also don't want to be a piece of shit oh
god this has
fucking train wreck written all over i know this isn't exactly something on my
wife's bucket list
but i don't think she'll hate it either she's told me in the past she appreciates
the female body
not necessarily grinding on mine though um i think she probably enjoyed more if
i wasn't there lol
would love to know what you and nia would have to say on the subject thanks
well nia's not here
this is what i would say okay um you need to stay as sober as humanly fucking
possible and you need
to not indulge at all i what your indulgement should be is your wife enjoying
the experience
that's what you do all right and uh i would not get a fucking lap dance in
front of my wife i would
not do that not that my wife neil wouldn't give a shit but my wife is like
ridiculously fucking cool
my wife is honestly one of the coolest females she transcends her sex the only
reason why i say
she's a cool female is because so many of them are fucking nightmares and they
won't let you do
anything they won't let you have any fun or whatever like she just you know she
you guys here on the
podcast she's that's not an act she's that fucking cool and funny but most
people are not in that
situation so it's there's a few red flags in there you're going with other
couples like let the other
couples get into the fights because somebody's going to go too fucking far
somebody's going to get too
drunk somebody's going to fuck up and somebody's going to have that fucking
thing brought up for the
next 10 years in their fucking marriage because god knows that's what the fuck
they do so all your
mission that night is is to not be that guy strip clubs are not going anywhere
okay you can always
go to one another night when she's not fucking there or if she actually ends up
having a good time
the second time and just literally tell her just say listen i wasn't going to
get drunk and i wasn't
going to do anything to embarrass you then she'll fucking respect you so i
would just say go real easy
on the booze there and uh you know get your wife a fucking lap dance that's
what you do and then just
say you know and just say you're good you're good you know and when your
fucking guy friends are all
trying to pressure you into doing something just tell them to go you know yeah
i'm cool i'm cool don't
worry i'm having a good time okay and let them do all the dumb shit let them
wake up the next day
when you guys go to breakfast and be the ones that have to say yes sorry i got
a little crazy last
night or be the ones that are clearly just had a huge fight and are not talking
during breakfast
you don't need that shit all right you don't need that shit it's a very um all
of that type of shit
there's like when you're sitting there going what are the rules the rules are
the rules that you and
your wife come up with and um the fact that your wife has never been to one is
just all of the
fucking makings of a shit show so like i said i'm not gonna read it i'm gonna
say this again because
you're a young guy do not be the drunk guy and i'm telling you just make sure
she has a good time
ask her if she's all right ask her if this is cool if she wants to get out of
there just totally
be attentive to her and there's no way it can be a fucking problem and then you
can get on with your
goddamn life and then fucking whatever some other time you go to a titty bar
maybe you bring her along
you know she might fucking end up wanting to see you get a fucking lap dance
you're like you're serious
yeah and then she'll be like all right which one do you want you know and then
that's another thing
that could be a fight you know what i mean you fucking pick some you know i don't
i don't that's
just one of those it's just it's just one of those things i remember one time
um there's this famous
um strip club in los angeles called jumbo's clown room okay and it is just as
creepy and disgusting
is it sound i don't think it's not that anymore it's it's way better now but
back in the day
it was literally like you know if i was a serial killer like that would be my
starbucks you know
what i mean sit there with my laptop in a chat room with other serial killers i
mean it was a fucking
disgusting place so i had been there uh maybe three times over the course of 20
years going out to uh
la and it was always just a shady shifty fucking place so one time um i was out
with nia and she
brought up that she wanted to go to this fucking place and i was just like are
you serious you want
to go to that place i don't want to go to that i go that place is it's not a
cool place whatever so
she goes come on let's just go so all right fuck it let's go it's her fucking
idea so we ended up going
there and i sat over in the corner i didn't get a lap dance or anything like
that but i think i've
told this story before i literally saw a stripper quit on stage that night it
was fucking amazing
um we walked in and there was like one guy sitting up near the stage and there
was like three other
people up at the bar with their backs to the stage so this woman comes out
looking a little rough you know
and uh she starts doing a thing she dances to one song the song ends nobody
claps okay the guy who was
sitting up near the stage was not there anymore so now it it kind of becomes
like a philosophical
philosophical question like basically if i'm in a strip club dancing but nobody's
watching me am i
technically still in show business right so basically what happened was
you know no one was paying attention so she ends the first song you know
you know because i'm wanted dead or alive she slowly slides down the pole
and then the next song starts and she's just laying there and she's not dancing
she's not doing anything
and i'm going like oh my god this was like watching a boxer like not answer the
bell right and just
quitting on the stool and she just rolled over and somehow she had her cell
phone and she just started
checking like her emails and at that point like this one of the bar back ladies
walked by saw it and
laughed and said that's awesome and she just laid there for the rest of the
song and didn't dance and
gathered her shit didn't take up any more of her clothes and that's like she
quit being a stripper
she just quit dancing for the night and uh i thought it was awesome yeah i just
as a performer
i respected it you know what i mean it's like if you're a comedian i'm doing my
act and no one's
listening no one's paying attention i'm just gonna stop and i'm gonna on the
crowd
that's it i'm not gonna waste my time doing my material so why should she take
her bottoms
off and show everybody the world if they're not even gonna look at it right
um so there you go there's my fucking stripper story but me and nia never had a
problem i think
i want to say i've gone to a couple have i been to a couple maybe one other
with her um
i gotta tell you it's not fun it's not fun to to go to a titty bar with your
wife
or even with other women it's just like everything i used to do a bit in my act
about that like when
women started going to titty bars they would always go like you know at some
point they always say this is
this isn't as bad as i thought it was i think this isn't as bad as i thought it
was gonna be
and the joke of my act was yeah because you're here leave and it'll get evil
again um that's one of the
worst things ever that happened that women started going to titty bars you know
what i mean it's like
like can't you just go to a fucking male one can't you go to the fucking chippendales
one and have some
fucking goddamn dick swinging in your face if you're a lesbian then yeah come
on in have a good time
right it's just like they just constantly they just constantly have to be
around us it's
unbelievable they think we're stupid they think we do dumb but they just can't
get enough of doing every
d