Name: Bill Burr: One Night Stand (2005)
Uploaded: 2022-08-08T16:02:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: One Night Stand (2005)' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: One Night Stand (2005)' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-08. Transcript available.

Bill Burr: One Night Stand (2005)

thank you thank you all right thank you so much thank you for christ's sake
thank you
thanks a lot i'm running out of ways to say thank you for christ's sake
how's it going excellent i was in a shitty mood today man i was i was watching
tv you ever been in
like such a bad mood that even when you're watching bad shit happening to
people you're like you know
what good you know i'm glad your life sucks makes me feel better about my own
no you know what i was
doing i was watching this uh you know those fabulous lives i was watching the
uh the fabulous life of
the uh olsen twins you know they're like 18 years old they're like zillionaires
we got a great
apartment it's making me feel like a loser then halfway through it i find out
one of them's
anorexic i was like you know what all right it makes me feel better you know i'm
glad she's not
eating hope you pass out whack your head off your golden sink just to add to my
day
you know i don't get i don't get how the other olsen twin only weighs half a
pound more but she's
fucking fine
no they're so starving they're weak that's why whenever they take a picture of
them you
ever notice they gotta like fucking lean them up against each other so like
they don't tip over
they're like they're like still trying to look sexy
they're not sexy they look like aliens
they are man you can't weigh 42 pounds and have your eyeballs be 28 of that
weight
and not look like you're from outer space
like when i look at them i think if et was gonna have a threesome those are the
two bitches he'd hook up with
he would he'd get that glowing finger going
now i feel like a loser man i am man i'm fucking 36 i'm not married you know i'm
at that age where
everybody i know is getting married you know let me ask you a question why the
hell do people keep
getting married you know isn't anybody looking at the stats i mean what's it
like one out of two
marriages goes right down the shitter people if you were going skydiving and
they told you half the
parachutes weren't going to open you'd be like yo fuck that i'm not going
damn
now it's like i don't like those odds i get a 50 chance of splatting on the
ground i'm not doing it
right but there's something about getting married people just have to do it
they're just like is this
the line to lose half my shit awesome this is gonna be great i can't wait to
lose my car my money oh
look the line's moving one step closer to my own personal health
no i don't think i could ever get married man married dudes freak me out
anytime you ask a married
guy what's it like being married they always tell you it's good but they always
have a look
on their face like they have like an appendicitis you ever notice that you're
like dude what's it
like being married like you know it's good it's good it's uh no no it's good it's
enjoyable you know
it's a lot of work but uh you know i think when you meet that special someone
there's a connection and i can't feel my legs let me just just lean over here
you know a woman completes a man and some other metaphor
now you know what freaks me out too really when you go to a man's house there's
nothing
in there a married guy's house when you walk in there there's nothing in there
that even suggests a man even lives there it's all potpourri and throw pillows
that stupid canopy we
live in a dollhouse over the bed where does all the guy's stuff go they just
throw it out they just
walk into your apartment oh my god look at all your stuff all your stuff is
stupid
look at all this stupid stuff wow guys buy really stupid stuff hey you want to
go to the candle
store let's go to the candle store wouldn't that be awesome you've been dragged
into that nightmare
for like an hour and a half 90 minutes just sitting there this smells smells
like a pumpkin
doesn't that smell like a pumpkin this looks like a christmas tree wouldn't
that be great smell like
christmas in the apartment middle of summer just with your whole reality
no you know what it is i didn't have a really good model necessarily like
growing up like watching
my parents they always used to argue and you know like i was afraid of my dad
when i was
growing up you know anybody have a dad like that you're just afraid of him you
know not like those
sitcom dads they come home the kids are like hugging their legs my dad pulls in
the driveway me
my brother's freaks like dad's home shut off the tv try to hide dude if i stand
like this do i look
like a lamp he won't see me right can i just chill out here
he wasn't understanding when you up he told you you didn't sit down well we're
gonna work it out we'll just you know i still love you you what the is wrong
with you
jesus christ you're an idiot weren't you even paying attention no bullshit
christ you're just like your mother you're out to lunch
that was my dad no matter what he was bitching about somehow he would make it
about my mother
would have nothing to do with nothing to do with her he could somehow find a
connection and spin it back
even if he said i was it raining out oh for christ's sake i don't need this
shit christ it's the same goddamn thing with your mother that woman is a cloud
hanging over my life
anytime you got an idea christ she shits all over it
no he was hilarious he used to work all the time so he didn't really have like
any friends or anything
she used to talk to me when i was eight years old like i was a bartender just
dumping all this
shit on me like playing in the sandbox he'd be coming up there i'll tell you
right now i don't
know what the fuck i ever got married for i'll tell you man i'm gonna get the
out i swear to god
one of these days when get in the car i'm gonna drive out of here your mother's
a bitch billy do you realize that the woman is a bitch
is that too real for you guys you know what i'm talking about
i i will get married you know i was making that i'll definitely get married
someday you
know i don't you know i love women and everything i'm just finding i'm not like
compatible with them
you know what i mean you ever just feel that like women have like too much
energy for me you
know what i mean like you can't have a day off when you have a girlfriend you
ever notice that
it's almost like they see that open day they're like oh my god let's go fill it
up with
no then they just come at you with one horrible idea after another horrible
ideas like you want
to make some sandwiches and go to the park you want to go to the container
store get some containers for
your t-shirts this is the worst one here we get this one you want to go to
brunch
you want to go to brunch on sunday and inside you're like fucking no
but you can't say that right you got to keep them happy so what do you do you
agree like yeah let's go
go to brunch what a great idea why would you want to sleep in on a sunday when
you can go pay eighteen
dollars for eggs now you're thinking now you're thinking now we can sit around
to listen to your
friends have moronic conversations about the eggs like is that pesto is that pesto
in your omelet oh it's
asparagus it's asparagus i thought it was pesto oh you just want to flip the
whole table over
it's horrendous
i'm trying to learn to pick my battles when i date girls i usually argue with
women all the time man
i'm stupid like that you know like i dated this girl one time she was like
really into like women's
issues so we used to always have these dumb ass arguments like one time she
came up to me she goes
okay explain this to me bill why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact
same job huh
i go i'll tell you why because in the unlikely event that we're both on a titanic
and it starts
to sink for some up reason you get to leave with the kids and i have to stay
hey that's why i get the dollar more now
well think about it if there's a house fire it's always women and children
first
i got to stand there with like the back of my shirt on fire going let's go
people let's go let's go
so that's how i look at it no it's a dollar an hour surcharge
that if something up happens either i can't leave or i gotta like get in the
way of it to give you a
head start like rabid dog run honey one mississippi two mississippi
you hear a bump in the night i gotta go check it out like yes he does have a
knife
anytime there's a hostage situation who do they negotiate for first
well at least let the women and children go well what about me
bullets hurt me too why the do i gotta stay in the vault
no that's my point man where are all the feminists in those situations you know
what i mean you can't
find them there are no feminists in a house fire there's a guarantee you can
take the most hardcore
feminist some chick right in your face like he's showing a sick ton of a little
short little haircut
the whole nine yards right second those flames break out she's gonna twist
those little hairs into
pigtails no i'm just a girl i want to go play jump rope and leave you standing
in a burning house like you're not flammable
you know but i'm not i'm not a dick though
i'm not i'm not saying i think a woman should make a doll less than an hour to
do the same job
all i'm saying is if you're gonna make what i make when the boat sinks you
better be standing
right there next to me listening to that guy play the cello then you get the
corner office
you get all the benefits or whatever
so anyways i was watching uh george bush today man that guy scares the out of
me
no not because like oh you know all that political stuff he's just like too
into jesus for me
i get uncomfortable with that when people get like overly religious it kind of
freaks me out you know
you know what i mean like like i don't mind i don't mind when like black people
get really into
jesus though you know because like somehow like the stay spiritual you know you
get a couple good songs
out of it you know i mean people look like they're having a good time somehow
when like white dudes
get too into jesus all of a sudden like catches on fire people start dying
somebody says they're jesus
and they try to every chick in the compound then the fbi's got the place
surrounded that tank comes in
shooting the flames out the front
i'm not saying white dudes are any more crazier than black dudes it's just that
nobody's watching
us that's the problem that's too much freedom it's kind of like living alone
you know that same kind
of up freedom you ever feel when you live alone you like slowly go crazy you
know because you got too
much freedom because everybody does crazy but when you live alone and start
doing something crazy there's
nobody there to be like dude what the are you doing what what is wrong with you
what is that put it down
my girl's actually she's really like religious she goes to church every week
and i never go and it
freaks her out she's like why don't you go to church you don't believe in god
and heaven and hell and all that
stuff why why don't you go and it's not because i don't believe in a higher
power i definitely do
my thing is when i go to church i can't get past the fact that i'm just
listening to some
guy you ever think of that when you go in there that's just some dude and
people like no that's a
special guy no it isn't you didn't he didn't like levitate down from the
ceiling like this white light
around him why would you listen to another human being tell you where you're
gonna go when you die
it's just like dude have you ever been dead no great so wouldn't it be safe to
assume that you
wouldn't have the slightest idea what you're talking about yeah you're making
it up you're
making the shit up you're not fooling me with the robes and the candles
speaking in old english he
said it done do you wish shut the up you don't talk like that
you're just some guy your name's jerry you played soccer you got your ass
kicked in gym class and now
you're doing this acting like you're special i can't do it i just i can't get
past that fact i'm
sitting in church this guy's name's cliff he's born and just break the guy down
and then i can't listen
it's li