Name: Bill Burr _ Some Idiot Dad Tried To Pick A fight With Me At The PlayLand!
Uploaded: 2022-08-09T23:01:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Some Idiot Dad Tried To Pick A fight With Me At The PlayLand!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Some Idiot Dad Tried To Pick A fight With Me At The PlayLand!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-09. Transcript available.

You're not going to fucking believe what happened to me.
I went to spend a time with my kids.
And I went to one of these little playland things for kids.
And they had this structure where once your kids went in it,
like you couldn't really go in there and be with the kids.
See, it's kind of this, you know, it's unsettling.
Because they go around the corner.
You can't see them.
There's a whole bunch of people there.
There's a whole bunch of adults.
And it's like, I think everybody here is a parent.
I don't know what's going on.
It had that fucking fly in the ointment vibe.
So I already didn't like it.
And I'm in there.
My son's in there.
And there was this bigger kid was trying to get him a plastic ball.
My son's, you know, only two.
He doesn't know what's going on.
And the kid got frustrated.
He took the fucking ball and smashed it over my son's head like twice.
So I'm on the mesh thing going, hey, hey, hey, you know, stop doing that.
Knock it off.
So my son's freaked out.
He like runs away.
And the big kid, I don't know if he felt bad.
He fucking runs over to him.
And like my son's freaking out.
Like get the fuck away from me.
And I can't get in there to break it up.
So all I can use is my voice.
So that's what I'm using.
And then the dad came over, right?
And he's on the other side of the structure.
He gets the kid to get away.
And then he looks at me and he goes like, yeah, we good, bro?
Are we good?
That's what he says to me.
And like, listen, I'm no tough guy, but like something about when somebody
tries to bully
me, I forget that I, you know, haven't had a fight in three decades.
So I take a step towards the mesh and I go, what?
And I forget what else he said.
So next thing you know, this fucking idiot is walking through the structure,
like hunched
over, like the hunchback of Notre Dame coming over to my side.
And I go, oh, here we go.
I'm like, is he coming in here to keep a closer eye on his kid or what's going
to happen?
So I'm standing at the bottom of this fucking area.
I'm standing ankle deep in colorful balls.
And this fucking dad comes in.
He doesn't look at me.
He's got his back to me and he starts like bumping into me, right?
Put his back to me.
You know, I don't know a lot about MMA and martial arts and defense, but I don't
think
that's a good way to start a physical confrontation.
I'm going to turn my back on you and start bumping into you.
So I address it.
And then he turns around and he looks at me, he goes, he goes, what do you like?
What are you, like a buck 80?
I thought he was going to ask me how much I bench.
So I just smile and I just look at him, right?
I'm like, all right.
This guy weighs me like 60 pounds.
So he's going to lunge at me.
I'm going to jump back and take the back of his head, push him down to the
plastic balls
and I'm going to get out of here.
That was my only move.
And it just keeps going.
And then he starts, he turns his back again, right?
Cause I just sort of laughed when he said it.
I said, I forget what the fuck I said.
I just laughed at him.
Cause I knew, I kind of feel like if someone's going to hit you, they just go
in and do it.
They don't come in and turn their back to you.
And it's just like, all right, this guy is doing, he's, he's going machismo
here.
He's trying to, he's trying to urinate all over this space.
So if I was more mature, I would have given up the space, but I'm a fucking
bald orange
cunt.
So I don't, and I stand there and then he starts talking shit about me, not
looking at me.
So I go, is that, is that directed at me?
And he's like, no, I'm just talking to myself.
It's a free country.
You Biden voters haven't taken that away yet.
And I go, Jesus, I go, you're one of those 24 hour news watching guys.
And then he tried to flip it around and be like, Oh, it's cause I'm Brown.
Right?
I guess he was Mexican.
I don't know.
I don't know what he was.
He was fat.
That's what I knew.
And, uh, and whatever, we're just going back and forth and I'm really fucking,
I don't know.
It's like, I'm enjoying it, but I'm not, it's, you know, cause my kids are
there and shit.
So we're just John back and forth.
They're the ones that's going to back down.
And then this Asian dude came in.
This is a very progressive story.
We got like almost every race is involved here.
Um, the Asian version of, uh, I was going to say nice guy, Eddie, nice guy.
Eddie was not a nice guy, but that I would, I'm going to call him nice guy.
Yet he comes and he goes, Hey, come on guys.
Not in front of the kids, not in front of the kids.
Then he goes to give me a fist bump.
And I was more mad at him than the other guy.
Like, what the fuck are you trying to settle me down for?
I didn't fucking do anything.
This, this guy's fucking lunatic kid is smashing my kids, you know, over the
head.
So he goes to give me a fist bump.
I just fucking look at him.
He's like, come on, bro.
I look at him.
Come on, bro.
And he, and then he just crawls out.
So now this guy's fucking getting, giving me shit.
He goes, he goes, don't even fucking act like you weren't me mugging my kid.
And I go, your kid smashed the ball over my kid's head twice.
And before I even said it, he goes, no, he didn't.
No, he didn't.
I'm like, you're one of those guys.
You're one of those fucking guys.
So, um, I don't know.
We just do this dumb shit.
It was so dumb.
It was so dumb and it was so long and neither one of us was going to fight.
It was so fucking stupid.
And then he finally has to go.
So then he's got to crawl out.
Right.
He probably said something else.
I don't remember.
So then now I'm out of the thing later on because I thought he left.
And all of a sudden I'm sitting down trying to watch my kid in all the blind
spots of this structure.
And he comes walking by and he goes, all right.
He goes, have a nice day, grandpa.
Right.
Call me an old dad.
So I go, all right, buddy, keep eating that cake.
And it actually hurt his feelings.
He stopped.
So then I stood up because, you know, I thought he was going to sucker me or
something.
Right.
And he just goes, I can run rings around you, bro.
I can run rings around you.
And then he just fucking walked out.
And I was just like, and the people at the front desk were like, what happened?
What was that?
I'll tell you what that was.
It's your fucking lunatic structure here where you have kids of all ages.
Jesus Christ.
You got like nine-year-olds and they're like jumping down the slide where you
got toddlers down the bottom of it.
That's what's going on here.
So, I don't know.
Looking back, honestly on it, by the time he saw what was going on, I was
yelling at his kid.
So, I understand why he did that.
So, what I should have said was say, listen, I'm sorry I raised my voice at
your kid.
It was that your kid was hitting my son with a ball.
He probably, he probably, no, he wasn't.
You know, I'm just saying if, I'm actually giving this guy the benefit of the
doubt.
So, I don't carry this for another week.
That, like, if I had said that, that maybe he would have heard what happened
earlier and we could have just fucking been friends.
You know?
But whatever.
I never said anything fucked up about his kid.
I never took it any further than that.
He brought up weight first and then he attacked me with ageism.
He was really annoying me.
He was saying, yeah, keep playing.
He goes, you know, you got to be careful.
There's no, you know, there's no bubble machine in here.
He was doing that.
He was doing that, that classic fucking, you know, this is Larry liberal and he's
sitting here with his meatless sandwich.
And he can't fucking deal with me and all my fucking red meat and my
testosterone.
And I just love how he equated his obesity with strength.
What are you, a buck 80?
Yeah, it's called being in shape, you fat fuck.
Where you sit around and eating fucking burgers and fries all goddamn night and
all of a sudden, now you're what?
Now you're a fucking heavyweight champion?
Oh my God.
It was the worst.
I was literally went there to spend time with my kids and like, this is what
happens.
And I got, I'm going to take my, I'll take 51% of it because I feel like if I
didn't have a temper, I probably would have had a nicer tone.
But I was honestly scared for my kid.
I, you know, what the fuck am I seeing fucking kids hitting my kid over the
head with a ball?
I had a normal reaction, whatever, but it didn't escalate.
And I apologize to the, to nice guy Yeti for not giving him the fist, but I did
leave him hanging.
I actually went to thank him, to apologize to him later.
And I almost walked up to the wrong Asian guy.
Thank God he had the fucking sleeve tattoo.
That guy had a sleeve tattoo.
So I realized it wasn't him at the last second.
I was like, oh Jesus, I almost compounded this.
So what I'm saying is, is I'm going to stick to the park.
I'm not going to go to any more.
I'm not going to fucking, I'm not going to, I'm not going to any one of these
organized fucking things anymore.
I'm not doing it.
I just, you know, you go to the playground, they have the smaller place for the
little kids and then they have the bigger place for the bigger kids.
So this thing was just like, you know, it was, it was, it wasn't set up right.
It was inevitable.
Okay, Bill, what are you blaming the business now?
All right.
I have a temper.
That guy had a temper.
We're both, we're a couple of cunts met at a fucking structure.
There's nothing wrong with the business.
There we go.
It took 15 minutes.
We got to the truth of it.
Not one of my prouder moments.
What are you, a buck 80?
What are you, a fucking fight manager?
Trying to figure out what weight class to put me in?
I did love, though, being infuriated and still having to walk hunchbacked to
confront somebody.
It was really funny.
It actually felt like a scene in the movie that I'm, I literally lived a scene
from this movie that we're, we're going to put up.
Which, by the way, we went to, and for some fucked up reason, any of those
people listening, I apologize.
All right.
I take my fucking 51% of that.
I don't want to ruin anybody's day.
And the guy I said, a cake eater, you weren't that fat.
All right.
You're like six weeks away.
All right.
What are you going to do?
I can give you some tips.
Is that what it is?
I'm not tough.
I'm only a buck 80.
I need to go to fucking In-N-Out Burger a couple more times, you know, so I can
get some respect down at the playground.
Guy was trying to fucking out-dad-barred me.
I want to be like, dude, I'll take my shirt off.
I'm just as big a mess as you are.
You want to take our shirts off and try to see who quit first?
Um, oh my God.
Did I think I was past those things in my life?
I'm 54 and that just fucking happened.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Um, I did like the grandpa line.
This is a comedian.
I, I fucking, I was laughing about that on the way home.
It was fucking hilarious.
All right.
See you later, grandpa.
I mean, come on.
That's fucking hilarious.
Um, you know, bro, we good?
We good, bro?
What?
And wait, they should have a fucking UFC for dads who aren't going to fight.
Like, it's the pre-fight.
Like, that's like the comedy before, like, the beatdowns.
It's two guys who aren't going to fight and they're acting like they're going
to, but they both know they both have too much to lose and they don't want to
do it in front of their kids.
Um, did I mention the entire time we were talking shit?
Like, you know, we were in some action movie.
We were, we were ankle deep in those colorful plastic balls.
I'm not even lying.
If there was actually an incident, the cops would have to go in there and look
at all those flat balls from the two of us fat fucks rolling around on the
floor with each other.
Um, oh my God.
You can't do it though.
You just can't fucking do it.
Dude, there's been some tragic shit though.
There was, there was one a long time ago.
Two, two dads got into a fight at a fucking, in the bleachers at a, uh, at a
hockey game.
And one of the dads fell backwards and hit his head and he fucking died.
I mean, it's just, there's just no upside.
There's no upside.
So I'm glad that it just ended up being funny insults.
And I actually, I guess, I think he got the better of me.
I don't think, uh, keep eating, uh, keep eating that cake.
Eh, you know, weight thing.
It did make him stop though.
It did make him stop.
But I, I gotta, I gotta give, I gotta say, okay, grandpa.
I think that's, I think that was the line of the fight.
Um, the argument, the discontent.
Um, there should be a YouTube page about, about those types of things.
Two people pretending they're going to fight and then they don't, you know, but
neither one wants to back down.
They just want to get the last word in.

Bill Burr _ Some Idiot Dad Tried To Pick A fight With Me At The PlayLand!

You're not going to fucking believe what happened to me.
I went to spend a time with my kids.
And I went to one of these little playland things for kids.
And they had this structure where once your kids went in it,
like you couldn't really go in there and be with the kids.
See, it's kind of this, you know, it's unsettling.
Because they go around the corner.
You can't see them.
There's a whole bunch of people there.
There's a whole bunch of adults.
And it's like, I think everybody here is a parent.
I don't know what's going on.
It had that fucking fly in the ointment vibe.
So I already didn't like it.
And I'm in there.
My son's in there.
And there was this bigger kid was trying to get him a plastic ball.
My son's, you know, only two.
He doesn't know what's going on.
And the kid got frustrated.
He took the fucking ball and smashed it over my son's head like twice.
So I'm on the mesh thing going, hey, hey, hey, you know, stop doing that.
Knock it off.
So my son's freaked out.
He like runs away.
And the big kid, I don't know if he felt bad.
He fucking runs over to him.
And like my son's freaking out.
Like get the fuck away from me.
And I can't get in there to break it up.
So all I can use is my voice.
So that's what I'm using.
And then the dad came over, right?
And he's on the other side of the structure.
He gets the kid to get away.
And then he looks at me and he goes like, yeah, we good, bro?
Are we good?
That's what he says to me.
And like, listen, I'm no tough guy, but like something about when somebody
tries to bully
me, I forget that I, you know, haven't had a fight in three decades.
So I take a step towards the mesh and I go, what?
And I forget what else he said.
So next thing you know, this fucking idiot is walking through the structure,
like hunched
over, like the hunchback of Notre Dame coming over to my side.
And I go, oh, here we go.
I'm like, is he coming in here to keep a closer eye on his kid or what's going
to happen?
So I'm standing at the bottom of this fucking area.
I'm standing ankle deep in colorful balls.
And this fucking dad comes in.
He doesn't look at me.
He's got his back to me and he starts like bumping into me, right?
Put his back to me.
You know, I don't know a lot about MMA and martial arts and defense, but I don't
think
that's a good way to start a physical confrontation.
I'm going to turn my back on you and start bumping into you.
So I address it.
And then he turns around and he looks at me, he goes, he goes, what do you like?
What are you, like a buck 80?
I thought he was going to ask me how much I bench.
So I just smile and I just look at him, right?
I'm like, all right.
This guy weighs me like 60 pounds.
So he's going to lunge at me.
I'm going to jump back and take the back of his head, push him down to the
plastic balls
and I'm going to get out of here.
That was my only move.
And it just keeps going.
And then he starts, he turns his back again, right?
Cause I just sort of laughed when he said it.
I said, I forget what the fuck I said.
I just laughed at him.
Cause I knew, I kind of feel like if someone's going to hit you, they just go
in and do it.
They don't come in and turn their back to you.
And it's just like, all right, this guy is doing, he's, he's going machismo
here.
He's trying to, he's trying to urinate all over this space.
So if I was more mature, I would have given up the space, but I'm a fucking
bald orange
cunt.
So I don't, and I stand there and then he starts talking shit about me, not
looking at me.
So I go, is that, is that directed at me?
And he's like, no, I'm just talking to myself.
It's a free country.
You Biden voters haven't taken that away yet.
And I go, Jesus, I go, you're one of those 24 hour news watching guys.
And then he tried to flip it around and be like, Oh, it's cause I'm Brown.
Right?
I guess he was Mexican.
I don't know.
I don't know what he was.
He was fat.
That's what I knew.
And, uh, and whatever, we're just going back and forth and I'm really fucking,
I don't know.
It's like, I'm enjoying it, but I'm not, it's, you know, cause my kids are
there and shit.
So we're just John back and forth.
They're the ones that's going to back down.
And then this Asian dude came in.
This is a very progressive story.
We got like almost every race is involved here.
Um, the Asian version of, uh, I was going to say nice guy, Eddie, nice guy.
Eddie was not a nice guy, but that I would, I'm going to call him nice guy.
Yet he comes and he goes, Hey, come on guys.
Not in front of the kids, not in front of the kids.
Then he goes to give me a fist bump.
And I was more mad at him than the other guy.
Like, what the fuck are you trying to settle me down for?
I didn't fucking do anything.
This, this guy's fucking lunatic kid is smashing my kids, you know, over the
head.
So he goes to give me a fist bump.
I just fucking look at him.
He's like, come on, bro.
I look at him.
Come on, bro.
And he, and then he just crawls out.
So now this guy's fucking getting, giving me shit.
He goes, he goes, don't even fucking act like you weren't me mugging my kid.
And I go, your kid smashed the ball over my kid's head twice.
And before I even said it, he goes, no, he didn't.
No, he didn't.
I'm like, you're one of those guys.
You're one of those fucking guys.
So, um, I don't know.
We just do this dumb shit.
It was so dumb.
It was so dumb and it was so long and neither one of us was going to fight.
It was so fucking stupid.
And then he finally has to go.
So then he's got to crawl out.
Right.
He probably said something else.
I don't remember.
So then now I'm out of the thing later on because I thought he left.
And all of a sudden I'm sitting down trying to watch my kid in all the blind
spots of this structure.
And he comes walking by and he goes, all right.
He goes, have a nice day, grandpa.
Right.
Call me an old dad.
So I go, all right, buddy, keep eating that cake.
And it actually hurt his feelings.
He stopped.
So then I stood up because, you know, I thought he was going to sucker me or
something.
Right.
And he just goes, I can run rings around you, bro.
I can run rings around you.
And then he just fucking walked out.
And I was just like, and the people at the front desk were like, what happened?
What was that?
I'll tell you what that was.
It's your fucking lunatic structure here where you have kids of all ages.
Jesus Christ.
You got like nine-year-olds and they're like jumping down the slide where you
got toddlers down the bottom of it.
That's what's going on here.
So, I don't know.
Looking back, honestly on it, by the time he saw what was going on, I was
yelling at his kid.
So, I understand why he did that.
So, what I should have said was say, listen, I'm sorry I raised my voice at
your kid.
It was that your kid was hitting my son with a ball.
He probably, he probably, no, he wasn't.
You know, I'm just saying if, I'm actually giving this guy the benefit of the
doubt.
So, I don't carry this for another week.
That, like, if I had said that, that maybe he would have heard what happened
earlier and we could have just fucking been friends.
You know?
But whatever.
I never said anything fucked up about his kid.
I never took it any further than that.
He brought up weight first and then he attacked me with ageism.
He was really annoying me.
He was saying, yeah, keep playing.
He goes, you know, you got to be careful.
There's no, you know, there's no bubble machine in here.
He was doing that.
He was doing that, that classic fucking, you know, this is Larry liberal and he's
sitting here with his meatless sandwich.
And he can't fucking deal with me and all my fucking red meat and my
testosterone.
And I just love how he equated his obesity with strength.
What are you, a buck 80?
Yeah, it's called being in shape, you fat fuck.
Where you sit around and eating fucking burgers and fries all goddamn night and
all of a sudden, now you're what?
Now you're a fucking heavyweight champion?
Oh my God.
It was the worst.
I was literally went there to spend time with my kids and like, this is what
happens.
And I got, I'm going to take my, I'll take 51% of it because I feel like if I
didn't have a temper, I probably would have had a nicer tone.
But I was honestly scared for my kid.
I, you know, what the fuck am I seeing fucking kids hitting my kid over the
head with a ball?
I had a normal reaction, whatever, but it didn't escalate.
And I apologize to the, to nice guy Yeti for not giving him the fist, but I did
leave him hanging.
I actually went to thank him, to apologize to him later.
And I almost walked up to the wrong Asian guy.
Thank God he had the fucking sleeve tattoo.
That guy had a sleeve tattoo.
So I realized it wasn't him at the last second.
I was like, oh Jesus, I almost compounded this.
So what I'm saying is, is I'm going to stick to the park.
I'm not going to go to any more.
I'm not going to fucking, I'm not going to, I'm not going to any one of these
organized fucking things anymore.
I'm not doing it.
I just, you know, you go to the playground, they have the smaller place for the
little kids and then they have the bigger place for the bigger kids.
So this thing was just like, you know, it was, it was, it wasn't set up right.
It was inevitable.
Okay, Bill, what are you blaming the business now?
All right.
I have a temper.
That guy had a temper.
We're both, we're a couple of cunts met at a fucking structure.
There's nothing wrong with the business.
There we go.
It took 15 minutes.
We got to the truth of it.
Not one of my prouder moments.
What are you, a buck 80?
What are you, a fucking fight manager?
Trying to figure out what weight class to put me in?
I did love, though, being infuriated and still having to walk hunchbacked to
confront somebody.
It was really funny.
It actually felt like a scene in the movie that I'm, I literally lived a scene
from this movie that we're, we're going to put up.
Which, by the way, we went to, and for some fucked up reason, any of those
people listening, I apologize.
All right.
I take my fucking 51% of that.
I don't want to ruin anybody's day.
And the guy I said, a cake eater, you weren't that fat.
All right.
You're like six weeks away.
All right.
What are you going to do?
I can give you some tips.
Is that what it is?
I'm not tough.
I'm only a buck 80.
I need to go to fucking In-N-Out Burger a couple more times, you know, so I can
get some respect down at the playground.
Guy was trying to fucking out-dad-barred me.
I want to be like, dude, I'll take my shirt off.
I'm just as big a mess as you are.
You want to take our shirts off and try to see who quit first?
Um, oh my God.
Did I think I was past those things in my life?
I'm 54 and that just fucking happened.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Um, I did like the grandpa line.
This is a comedian.
I, I fucking, I was laughing about that on the way home.
It was fucking hilarious.
All right.
See you later, grandpa.
I mean, come on.
That's fucking hilarious.
Um, you know, bro, we good?
We good, bro?
What?
And wait, they should have a fucking UFC for dads who aren't going to fight.
Like, it's the pre-fight.
Like, that's like the comedy before, like, the beatdowns.
It's two guys who aren't going to fight and they're acting like they're going
to, but they both know they both have too much to lose and they don't want to
do it in front of their kids.
Um, did I mention the entire time we were talking shit?
Like, you know, we were in some action movie.
We were, we were ankle deep in those colorful plastic balls.
I'm not even lying.
If there was actually an incident, the cops would have to go in there and look
at all those flat balls from the two of us fat fucks rolling around on the
floor with each other.
Um, oh my God.
You can't do it though.
You just can't fucking do it.
Dude, there's been some tragic shit though.
There was, there was one a long time ago.
Two, two dads got into a fight at a fucking, in the bleachers at a, uh, at a
hockey game.
And one of the dads fell backwards and hit his head and he fuckin