Name: Bill Burr _ How Do U Break Up With Someone U Live With?! [Advice]
Uploaded: 2022-08-10T23:01:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ How Do U Break Up With Someone U Live With?! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ How Do U Break Up With Someone U Live With?! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-10. Transcript available.

You just don't say it.
How to break up with someone you live with.
Oh, this is a good one.
How to break up with someone you live with.
You know who should know who should...
Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened there?
Too many hits to the head there.
The people who need this information
are all these morons you see on these murder shows.
The amount of people that I watch on these murder shows
that my wife thankfully has taken a break from.
She goes through phases
where she's just like mainlining Dateline NBC.
And we end up...
I don't know.
It's so fucked up because we're watching murder shows,
but we end up getting a lot of laughs
in that I just fucking tease her for like,
why are you watching this?
I just start mocking how horrible they are.
And then I just start singing,
go to sleep, go to sleep.
Like, why would you watch this?
Right before you go to bed.
But one of the things I've noticed
is the amount of people...
The first major crime they try to commit
is not only murder somebody,
but it's somebody they know.
That is the hardest fucking thing in the world
to get away with
unless you work for the government.
Now, it's the hardest thing to get away with
because you're automatically a suspect.
You've never been busted for anything,
so you're not like some hardened criminal
that knows how to fucking handle interrogation
and be like, am I being charged with anything?
If I am, I want a lawyer.
If not, I'm going to leave.
I'm pleading the fifth!
They don't do that.
They go out
and
they always bury them
in like their backyard.
There always seems to be like...
Like, I've got to tell you something right now.
If your neighbor is putting in a well,
he's thinking about killing his wife.
All right?
If the guy's wife
says, you know,
you catch her in the pet store
and she has a weird look on her face
and says,
yeah, we got a rodent problem.
Yeah, she's trying to kill her husband.
All right, the smart ones go to Home Depot
and they buy a plate,
you know,
a pane of glass.
That's what you do
when you bash it up
microscopically
and you just start putting in their food.
I think that's how it's done.
I don't know.
I know guys are supposed to be more evil,
but at least if you get killed by a guy,
it's over quickly.
Like women,
I swear to God,
Jesus Christ,
it takes them like eight months
to slowly kill you.
You know?
There's a lot of women in prison
that could write a book
called The Eight-Month Murder.
It's fucking hilarious.
It almost takes them this,
oh, this is an 80s joke.
It takes them almost the same amount
to have an orgasm
as it does to kill somebody.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Reaganomics, everybody.
Anyway,
this,
I actually believe
if you're a progressive school,
they should have a class,
a requirement
that teaches people,
young people,
how to break up
with people,
teaches people
how to know
when a relationship
isn't working.
You know?
And there would be
less broken hearts,
there'd be less murders.
You know,
I would think
the Dateline NBC lobby
would do everything
they could in Washington
to stop these courses
from being treated,
I mean,
being taught
to kids in college.
And you know
what they would do.
They would just,
all you gotta do
is to kill it.
All you gotta do
is label it
as socialism or communism
and it's gonna be fucked.
This socialist agenda,
then that'll be it.
It'll be over.
But,
yeah,
the amount of time
that you waste
and the people you hurt
and all that type of stuff.
So,
you know,
there becomes that thing.
I remember a long time ago,
I knew this woman
and she was dating this guy
and she was living with him
and she would always go like,
yeah,
can't leave now.
She just kept saying that.
And it didn't register
to me when I was younger.
And then they got a car together
and they ended up breaking up.
And the whole time
she wanted out
and she just kept getting in deeper
and deeper and deeper.
It probably affected her sleep.
Crushed that guy
because he probably thought
he met the one and all that.
And all you need
is just some information like this.
All right?
Because there's a lot of people
listening right now
who want to get out
of a relationship.
All right?
I'm gonna read what they say
and then I'll give you
my tricks to the trade.
Okay?
Because when you're
like a young guy, right?
Like,
you're first,
like,
you know those guys
that are just like,
I'm just gonna act like a dick
so she breaks up with me.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Rip the Band-Aid off.
Put on,
Brenna Tuxedo,
you get a top hat.
Right?
You learn an Al Jolson song
but you change the lyrics
and you just sing about
how you're gonna break up with her.
I'm sorry.
I wish I knew an Al Jolson song.
How to break up
with someone you live with.
Here we go.
Hey,
Billy Red Rocks.
I was almost gonna call it
that special.
My wife was like,
don't name it after you're nuts
and I was like,
you're right.
Loved your recent special
and it's also a more obvious joke
especially when my listeners
are coming up with it too.
All right.
Loved your recent special
and all that jazz.
Thank you.
Let's get right to it.
I have been with my girlfriend
for three years now
but I've decided
that it's time
to end things amicably.
All right.
Good for you.
The only issue
is that we live together.
Can you give me
and listeners
some advice
on how to break up
with someone
whom you live with?
Thanks a bunch.
All right.
This is definitely,
there's a degree
of difficulty here.
All right.
I'm standing up now.
I'm walking around.
All right.
Let's go with the positives.
You're not with the person
that you want to be with
and you're aware of it
and you're going to do this.
All right.
And there's no way
to do this
without making a mess.
So let's try to make
the least amount of mess.
Okay.
So the number one thing
is you're going to break up
with her
and you still have to live with her.
Now ideally,
ideally,
you already have
another place to go.
Okay.
Now there is,
there are extreme ways
of doing,
you can do,
you can do it this way.
Okay.
I'm kind of doing
the cowardly way
because you don't want
to fucking deal with her.
You,
you,
you don't want
to deal with her.
You want to get the fuck out.
Let's just be a man here.
You want to get the fuck out.
Hell hath no fury
and you want to be away
from the fury.
So if there's a way
that you can somehow
put a deposit down
on another apartment
unless she's totally
dependent on you.
I don't know what
your financial situation is,
but I know a guy.
Oh,
I know a guy.
I know a guy.
This is how he did it.
His wife went out
on the,
not his wife,
his girlfriend
went out on the road
and he already
planned to do it,
but he knew
that she was nuts.
So he already
had another place.
She left
and the second
the wheels
left fucking
LaGuardia
or wherever the fuck
they were,
his brother came over.
They packed up
all his shit.
They moved it
to the new fucking place
and then they sat down.
Then when she came back,
he sat down
and she's like,
where's all your stuff?
And he's like,
where I'm going to be living
from now on
because we're not
going out anymore.
Now that's the fast way
to do it.
Listen,
you moved in
on some level
you're going to have
to be like,
there's no way,
there's no easy way
around this.
So
if you're not
in that type
of financial position,
which most people aren't,
the biggest thing,
all you have to do
is break up with her.
All right?
You don't have to
just stop catastrophizing
about how awful
it's going to be
because it's going to suck.
All right?
So what I would do
is
know that she's
going to be upset.
She has a right
to be upset
and
just don't get in
any arguments with her
and let her say
everything she's going
to say.
you know,
if she trashes
your family,
she makes fun
of your dick size
or your ability
in bed
and all the shit
that they,
when a woman
gets mad,
you know,
God knows,
I mean,
it's all,
they can,
no subject
is off limits.
They will try
to rip
your fucking soul out.
She might not be.
She might be cool.
I have no idea
but I'm just saying
prepare for the worst.
Here's the deal.
Every time
when she comes at you
and she says that,
just think in your head,
imagine if I married that.
Thank God
I'm not marrying that.
She
is saying
all this horrible shit
to me right now
because
this is her last chance
to do it
and then you're going
to get the fuck
out of there
and it's going to be good.
All right?
And
I don't know
what your living situation is.
If it's a one bedroom,
that's good
because at least
you can sleep on the couch.
You won't have to sleep
next door.
If it's a studio,
I mean,
I don't know.
This is what I would say.
If she's making your life
a living fucking hell,
I would literally
call your parents
and just say,
listen,
I need two weeks
to find a place.
I got to get out of here
and I would take
a sick day
and when she's at work,
I would just
take all of your shit.
Your shit.
Okay?
Anything even
remotely questionable,
hey,
I paid for half
of that couch,
fuck it.
Leave it.
Just take all
of your shit,
pack it up
and just get the fuck out.
That's what I would do.
Why prolong it?
All right?
So,
I need more information.
If people,
listeners,
have been in that situation,
I fortunately
was never in that situation,
so I can't
speak from experience,
but I do know
of guys
where they were living there
and then the girlfriend
immediately started
bringing other guys home.
You know?
Have you ever been
that guy?
You know,
you come home,
you think,
you know,
with the chick,
you think you're hooking up
and you realize
you're just
spiteful cock
for the evening.
and the whole time
you're like,
is there a lock
on this door?
Is that door bulletproof?
Like,
yeah,
I'm not,
I'm not doing this.
Why don't you get
all the way out
of your last relationship?
I'm out,
guys.
Like,
that's what you wish
you had the maturity
to do.
You know,
but as I've said
in my other specials,
your dick is a dreamer.
Your dick believes.
Nah,
man,
we can do it.
We can pull this off.
It's not gonna be a problem.
He broke up with her.
He doesn't care.
You're gonna be fine.