Name: Bill Burr On Weight!
Uploaded: 2022-08-14T18:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr On Weight!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr On Weight!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-14. Transcript available.

Talking to the ladies, talking about body issues. They're always talking about
body issues.
That's the dumbest one ever. They talk about Hollywood, going like,
Hollywood, they create these impossible body images, blah, blah, blah, you know,
that whole thing, the plus-size actress, right? The fatties, you know?
That's like a big thing. They're sick of being treated like fat people.
I don't know what it is they're doing. They're going on the cover of magazines
now,
just like showing how fat they are, wearing a little bit of monoclose,
and everybody's, like, hyping them up, like, oh, my God, that's so brave.
That's so courageous. I'm not saying it doesn't take balls,
but that's a bit of an overreach with the word brave, right?
Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a
building
carrying a baby and an old lady? Am I going to sit there like, oh, my God,
you're like a fat actress that takes her shirt off to do a magazine shoot
to promote the movie she's in.
Look, I know you're not supposed to make fun of fat people. I understand, all
right?
I don't know why, though.
Why? They're not a race. They're not a religion.
It's totally curable.
Eat an apple and go for a walk, you know?
Why are you yelling at everybody else?
The fuck are you giving me shit for? All right?
You put the cookies in there. I didn't.
How is this my problem?
Jesus Christ, you ate your way in, you can walk your way out, all right?
And just slowly start shedding the pounds.
Shove some fucking lettuce in there instead of a bunch of ho-hos.
And it's going to come down.
And then you're on my side of the fence, right?
Join me. Come on, say it with me.
Shame. Shame!
Right?
I know. You're not supposed to shame.
You're not supposed to fat shame.
You're not supposed to slut shame.
You're like shaming, shaming.
Like, people aren't supposed to walk around with any shame.
It's like a legitimate human emotion, but you're not supposed to feel it at all.
You know? You're supposed to just walk around like a dictator.
You're not going to feel any shame.
You never felt shame?
You never had such a bad fucking night the next morning?
You woke up, you couldn't even look yourself in the mirror.
When you went to go brush your teeth, you looked up, you're like,
oh, you fucking piece of shit.
Wow. Wow.
Even for you, that was bad.
Lights out, curtains drawn, until at least two in the afternoon,
before I can even look at you, you fucking piece of shit.
Yeah.
You're supposed to have no shame.
That's the new world.
You're just going to walk around sucking dick, you know, eating cookies,
and just show up, and nobody's supposed to say anything?
No one's supposed to have an opinion?
Like, wow, that's going to go off the rails pretty soon?
I know, it's probably mean to do this stuff,
but, like, you can only have so much sympathy.
There's so much, so much stuff you can care about.
You know what happened to me that changed my life?
I did a gig in India, right?
Unbelievably great people, but some of the stuff that I saw there,
I'll never forget.
I literally, I did a gig in India.
I saw a toddler take a shit between two parked cars,
walked away, no pants or parents,
and then disappeared into the crowd
like Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence of the Lambs.
It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen in my life.
And then I come back to my country,
and it's like,
oh, the studio said I'd lose 50 pounds to star in a movie.
Well, then start running, you fat fuck.
That's your big complaint in life?
You know what it is about these fatties?
You know what it really is?
They have no respect for the amount of sacrifice and dedication it takes to
truly get in, like, magazine-level shape.
Which is the, you ever try to get abs?
You ever try to get all the abs and get that shit down here?
You ever try to do it?
It's fucking impossible!
Past the age of 19, you can't do it without tons of help.
You've got to buy all these exercise tapes.
You've got to read about nutrition.
You've got to get a personal trainer and having you fucking running along.
You need your own chef.
And he's like, okay, don't eat it yet.
Don't eat it yet.
All right, now, eat it.
Start consuming it.
All right, stop.
Slow down.
Stop.
Stop.
Spit it out!
Spit it out!
I told you to stop!
Get on the electrical!
Now you like that Brussels sprout?
Don't you like that Brussels sprout?
Because now you're paying for it!
It's a fucking miserable experience.
Just walking around.
Your whole body's eating yourself.
You know, you want some cake?
No!
Now I'll just take a salad.
Balsamic vinaigrette on the side.
No croutons.
Oh, my God!
When is the photo shoot?
I want to kill myself.
It's horrible.
You ever try to get fat?
No!
You don't have to.
It's effortless.
You can fucking lay on your back,
watching your favorite show,
just shuffling shit down your throat.
What are you doing?
I'm getting fat.
I'm getting fat.
You got a trainer?
Don't need one.
It's natural.
I just eat everything that makes my sugar salt go like,
Yeah!
Woo!
Yeah!
Comes right in.
Nice roll of fucking flab.
No, it's ridiculous.
Like, I know nobody wants to be fat,
so I'm not shitting on you.