Name: Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice (2)
Uploaded: 2022-08-15T18:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice (2)' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice (2)' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-15. Transcript available.

Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Life Advice (2)

me while i tried to wrap my head around how she could possibly have done that
to me i've had
casual flirting with people over the years but to act on something physically
with someone other
than your spouse is completely disgusting to me the worst part is i love this
woman more than
anyone she's been my here we go again she's my best friend for the last eight
years she knows
everything about me i want to hate her and make her sleep at her parents house
until we divorce
but all i want to do is yeah be near her again yeah dude that's because yeah
dude she she was in the
hurry up offense that's what happened here so now you're scampering trying to
figure out what the
fuck is going on and she you know she has the next three plays that she just
called in the huddle
that's why this this is why it sucks to be you right now um one of my close
friends tells me what i know
is the right thing he goes let it go don't bother with counseling what else has
she done that you
don't know about how i can never trust her again bill is it possible for me to
forgive my wife am i
wasting my time um also i found out who this guy is and i really wish i hadn't
yeah dude of course
all i wanted to to do was show up at the job beat the shit out of him like ed norton
beats the blonde
pretty boy up in fight club he writes i wanted to destroy something beautiful
my other thought is
since this guy also cheated on his girlfriend who we still with um my he did it
with my wife i threatened
to tell his girlfriend what he'd done but not actually do it yeah you don't
want to do that that way
he'd live in fear of coming home and her knowing everything because i told her
or he would try to beat me
to it admit to it hopefully ending his relationship and getting terminal cancer
and aids terminal cancer
and aids and you know what you're still being a gentleman i still think that
you're you're handling
this with class wishing terminal cancer and aids on this guy um i know you don't
give a shit
of course i give a shit but not occupy uh but i've got to occupy my mind so i i
thought i i do it here
yeah dude why would you think i don't give a shit you know i mean i'm not a
friend of yours but
you know what i mean give me a fucking break this is horrific um all right your
first question
bill is it possible for me to forgive my wife uh eventually you're gonna have
to uh and or you're
gonna go on a fucking tear and you're gonna meet some really damaged fucking
women and they're gonna
reinforce everything that you've now found out about your wife so you can't do
that you're gonna go on a
fucking uh hate fuck pussy spree that is yeah you don't want to do that um he
said am i wasting my
time yeah dude it's over she's not happy she's not good at communicating um she
puts a lid on it
you know until it boils over this is the deal dude you know what i i this is
gonna kill you
all right let's go with the positive you don't have any kids with her okay you
can just walk away
okay we had a problem and there was uh there's nothing we can do so he didn't
make it you just
walk away just walk away it's over all right um that's a good thing all right
one thing you've had
a bunch of kids with this fucking this person who for whatever reason couldn't
say that they were on i
don't think that she won't even wanted to fucking marry you i think she ignores
her feelings she's
actually having a fucking breakthrough right now while stomping all over your
fucking heart
all right well i don't know i don't know i don't fuck her give me a break dude
you
fucking you loved her with all your heart you say her mother's a sweetheart you
got dogs you like
communicating dude you know something you're like the fucking guy you're the
guy my girl wants me to be
every fucking woman wants a guy like that you know guy who actually wants to be
married guy
who actually comes home and communicates you know a guy who gets along with the
mom and all that type
of shit you're a family man all right unfortunately you know you met the wrong
person so forget that dude
all right forget it forget it fuck that fuck that it's over walk away
walk walk away dude give me a fucking baby you know what you're talking about
there you're talking about
like the amount of fucking shit she has to go through before she even learns
how to just
communicate her fucking emotions and the frustration of that's going to mean
every once in a while she's
going to blow somebody at work are you wasting your time abso-fucking-lutely
okay abso-fucking-lutely
and as far as like going there and trying to fuck over that other guy that
other guy is he's already
you don't need to fuck him over he's fucking himself over he's living that he's
living a life of misery
that life is miserable to fuck around with the person that you're with with
somebody else that is a
miserable life you know i don't know i think it's something that a lot of guys
do myself included back
in the day in my 20s going into 30s trying to fucking uh you know figure myself
out i lived that life that
whole fucking double it's horrible it's a fucking horrible thing and in the end
i ended up alone
and i heard a lot of people and i was a complete piece of shit
so and believe me dude it was miserable it ended up with me on a fucking futon
so um
yeah dude you're you're you know don't become a piece of shit now don't judge
other women like that
just fucking you know yeah get out of it get out of it and just know that it's
going to be a
fucking uh i don't know it's going to be a hundred yards of pain that you never
fucking dealt with in your life and you just got to go through it and um
i i would say the next time you get with somebody uh make you know you're going
to get serious with
somebody you make goddamn sure that they know how to fucking communicate
because that's that's a scary
thing to get with a woman who doesn't know how to communicate because that's
something that they're
supposed to teach us how to do you know in a way they make you better because
you oh oh i can just say
uh no i don't feel like doing that without fucking punching the wall you know
they do that sort of
settle you down if you get with some psycho and she can't settle you down i
mean
she's uh she's damaged goods to uh wife leaving oh geez bill quick question i
turned 42 years old
today and after 17 years of marriage my wife announced she wants a divorce on
your birthday
god damn it you know what that is that's some cold lotion right there that is
some cold lotion
sorry that's an inside joke between me and nia um my gut has been telling me
for months
um she's been cheating on me all right i gotta tell you what cold lotion is now
cold lotion is when
somebody is going to do something right and then they fuck it up it basically
started one day when
uh nia wanted me to put lotion on her back and i didn't rub it in my hand so it
was cold so i put
it on her back so i was doing this loving thing that was gonna was good for her
skin but i did it in a way
that made it awful all right so the reason why that would be right here this
would be cold lotion
is because she probably got him a birthday gift happy birthday to
and then yeah i want a divorce
you know she got him a fucking chainsaw you know or a goddamn hockey jersey
whatever the
fuck he wanted baked him a cake and then kicked him right in his fucking twat
um all right he said my gut has been telling me she's been cheating on me for
months
she's packed up and left the house but many of her things are still here she's
coming by next
week to pick them up here's my dilemma her dildo slash vibrator is amongst the
items she's left
behind and will be coming back to get so do i coat it with hot sauce or not
thanks um
do i have time to answer this one all right how do i how do i fucking answer
this
you know what a woman would do that to a guy
okay but this is the thing a guy would just take it you know a woman would do
something like that to
a guy like what what what what the fuck would she do she'd fucking you know i
don't know pour water on
your computer what is what is the female equivalent to putting hot sauce on a
fucking vibrator
i don't know what do you jerk off with sir
a woman would definitely do some shit like that all right if you were fucking
cheating on her and on
your and you broke up with her on her birthday i mean you want to talk about
hell hath no fury
hey women you know why don't you guys write in hey ladies write in and tell me
what you would do
to your fucking uh a guy who did that to you after you dedicated 17 years of
your life to them
all right you found out they were fucking cheating on you well you didn't find
out but you had a good
feeling then they broke up with you um on your birthday um what would you do i
don't know what
they would do but this is the thing you don't want to do that shit don't don't
do that shit because
it's i mean you you're gonna go to divorce court she's already probably gonna
try to take you to
the fucking cleaners uh provided you know she makes more money she probably if
she doesn't make more
money than you um don't do it just know this just know this okay whoever she's
going to is now
shacking up with the cheating cunt all right and you sound like you're a good
dude you know you're
devastated although you know it's a little crazy to want to put hot sauce on it
um
i don't know the way i look at dude the sooner she comes back
and gets all of her shit out of out of your life the better you're 42 years old
dude i'm telling you
hit the gym p90x
insanity whatever you got to do get yourself ripped up and look better than you
ever
fucking looked in your life all right and then what i would do if i was your
age i'd go to one of those
fucking dating sites all right go to one of those dating sites and get yourself
fucking some hot
good girl 10 fucking years younger than you all right do that instead of
putting hot sauce on a
fucking dildo all right dude you're above that please tell me you're better
than that
all right this fucking twat doesn't want to be with you
fucker fucker and letting some other fucking asshole who goes around banging
somebody's
fucking wife those two pieces of shit they should get together they should get
married they'll have
a baby you know what it'll probably be a fucking banker
all right fuck her don't do that don't don't stoop to her level let her leave
you want to leave go
ahead and leave all right and then one day she's gonna see and be like what the
fuck was i thinking
and you're gonna be like it's too late it's too late for you she's younger she's
hotter she's a
sweetheart and she doesn't suck another dick in the relationship you filthy
pirate whore all right there
you go okay jesus everybody giving me shit remember last week when i called
that woman a douchebag remember
the douchebag of the week last week because she was giving me shit once again a
female surprise surprise
was giving me shit that when i read the underrated overrated or the questions
people have i wouldn't
say what sex they were and she somehow found out a way to kind of i don't know
make me look like i was
some chauvinist that i guess she felt if it was a good question i credited a
guy and uh you know
it's a free podcast all right stop being so fucking cunty so she became douchebag
of the week so
evidently she didn't like it and what does she do she sends me an email here's
the email she sends me
uh bill it's nice that you named me douchebag of the week i don't really give a
shit because i always
mean what i write i don't know what that means because i always mean what i
write oh really what
are the rest of us just faking it we're just joking around but not you you're
so fucking serious
so anyways evidently this psycho this is a new segment this is site i can't i
can't figure out
if this is uh love letter of the week or psycho of the week i don't know you
guys name it i don't
give a shit so anyway she goes i don't really give a shit because i always mean
what i write
and it seems you're just