Name: Bill Burr "I Quite Like Canada"!
Uploaded: 2022-08-26T23:29:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr "I Quite Like Canada"!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr "I Quite Like Canada"!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-26. Transcript available.

I'm sitting in the dark, I'm waiting to do a show in Toronto.
I am at the, uh, whatever the fuck they call this place, the Scotia.
Nice to know you, Scotia Center, fucking Belpac, fucking Tweeter, fucking
Target Center, Maple Leafs building.
It's my second night here, and, um, a friend of my, my drum teacher,
came in with some blue Vista lights, early 70s.
The, the, the event center was fucking, uh, empty, and I came in, and, uh, I
gotta tell you something, man.
Oh, fucking Billy Bonhamfoot is hanging around.
Oh, Billy Triplets.
Oh, fucking William Twinkle Toes.
Uh, the muscle memory was still there.
I mean, it sounds like shit.
It sounds like, you know, a stand-up comedian who's also a dad who doesn't have
time or any musical ability
is playing him, or the ability to say ability.
Do you hear me get fucking stuck on that word, ability?
Uh, which is weird, because the middle of that word is my name.
You'd think I could say it.
Um, anyway, so I sat down for like an hour, and I just smashed the shit out of
him.
Um, they sounded great.
Uh, thank you to Josh, Davey Lich's friend up here, who brought in his own kit.
Not only did he bring the kit in, um, he had a friend of his on the bass drum
head, the, uh, the, the front bass drum there.
Um, had him put a, uh, a BB on there.
Well, instead of BR, like Buddy Rich, which was cool.
Um, so I went up there and just fucking bashed for like an hour.
It was so much goddamn fun.
Um, because usually I just sort of do, you know, one show and then leave.
But this is, um, you know, an incredible turnout here in Toronto.
So thank you to everybody.
And, uh, you know what I like about the Maple Leafs?
You know, they leave their banners up.
So you get a really cool sense of where you're at.
You know, you play the one in Montreal.
They take away their fucking, all their banners because they're so fucking
stuck up, right?
Like, oh, unless the, the blue blanket rules, you know, they're not going to
fucking put them up there, right?
Um, which I don't understand.
Like, I don't know why they, well, they would do that.
It's like part of the history of being in that building is seeing all of those
fucking banners.
And whatever reason, they, they take them down.
Unless you buy a ticket for the blue blanket rules, uh, and yeah, buy the banners
on the rafters.
Whatever the fuck they're doing.
Sorry, that made me fucking, my hacky French-Canadian bullshit just made me
fucking cough.
Um, but anyway, this is like my third trip to, uh, Canada this year.
And I'm going to tell you something right now, uh, uh, uh, I would ever say, I
would say Jambien, uh, I don't know, Le Canada.
I quite like Canada.
Jambien, Canada.
Le Canada.
Oh, Canada.
I'm having a great time.
Right?
Fucking Vancouver's great.
Calgary, like, Calgary is literally Massachusetts with, with, it's more like if
Texas was Massachusetts and it was in Canada.
It's, you know something, that's not even true.
My, my whole view of Calgary is tainted.
Um, because, uh, meaning, meaning it's skewed.
Not talking about, uh, you know, the porno taint.
I mean, tainted as in skewed.
Um, because of the first time I was there with Verzi.
Paul Verzi way back in the day.
We went there and I don't know where we played, but these, it was the winter
time.
And I think everybody was going nuts because they were, like, cooped up or
whatever.
These fucking people drank like I had never seen.
And I really have to think, like, the next two times I played Calgary, I was
anticipating running into that.
Because they were fucking animals that first time I went out there.
I mean, I just remember.
All I'm, like, when I, when I think of it, I just think of the venue and just
hearing the sound of a beer bottle tipping over and then slowly rolling to the
front of the stage.
I heard that, like, nine times every show.
I mean, they were fucking lit.
And then the last two times I was there or whatever, it has been cool, but I've
just been anticipating.
Especially last time.
I played, like, a fucking park in the afternoon on the first show.
And, uh, it was great.
And then we also, we were downtown, uh, that time.
And the downtown area was great.
So I'm gradually shaking off my first experience in Calgary.
Um, and none of it was that people were assholes.
They were just fucking wasted.
That's all I remember.
So anyway, and, uh, then I did a trip to Montreal, which is always great.
Montreal.
Um, and then I went to, uh, now I'm in Toronto and I'm having a great fucking
time.
I found a great place to get an espresso.
I told you my road breakfast, my road breakfast, I'd have a double espresso and
then an orange after I go to the gym.
And it starts the day off, right?
Um, anyway, so, so I'm up here with Steph Toliv, who's fucking killing it.
And she's from Toronto.
And she took me down to, um, first of all, we went to the Hockey Hall of Fame.
It was right around the corner.
It's the second time I've been there.
Um, and my big takeaway from that, other than that, Hockey and Golf have, like,
some of the best trophies.
I think Hockey, just overall, the trophies that they have are fucking
incredible.
Um, I think I might like, I like the Hart Trophy, because I just remember Wayne
Gretzky would win it every year.
And, uh, then, uh, and then also the, the Conn Smythe, I always thought was a
cool one.
Which I didn't realize, I think this is a trophy, Conn Smythe, it has the old,
like, make-belief gardens.
You know, which is pretty cool.
Stadium on top of it.
Um, but my big takeaway is, I want to, uh, get some shit out of my living room.
Sell it or whatever.
And then I'm gonna buy, when my kids get a little bit older, we're gonna play
that stand-up hockey game.
Fuck these tablets and all of that shit.
I'm gonna get that bar level one that you play.
And here's another thing, too, was the kids were, kids were in there, and they
were playing, like, PlayStation, PS4, PlayStation 4.
Um, last time I had a PlayStation, it was, like, 20 years ago, it was
PlayStation 2, and they were playing the NHL one.
It was fucking unbelievable.
I was sitting there going, like, that's a video game?
That looks like a movie.
And I said to the kid playing, I go, can you fight somebody?
And he's like, yeah.
I said, all right.
So, he was playing the other team that wasn't the Maple Leafs, and he lined up
against Tavares.
And I guess, I don't know, the computer wasn't trying.
He just kept fucking uppercutting the guy.
And I was just like, dude, you're gonna have to pay for that later on in this
game.
You know?
You can't go after a goal scorer on a face-off.
He hasn't fucking done anything or whatever.
Whatever.
I had a good time watching them play.
But I want to get one of those, that stand-up game.
I want to get rid of, like, it's funny.
It's the area of the living room where I was going to have a bar back in the
day when I was a big booze hound.
I was going to buy an Art Deco-like bar.
I don't know.
I was into booze, right?
I was going to have some Humphrey Bogart-level fucking bar over in the corner.
And then I'm like, what am I doing?
You got kids.
It's over.
It's not your time anymore.
All right?
Just be your age.
Don't go out and get a Brazilian butt lift or whatever the fuck these people my
age are doing now.
HGH-ing, you know, and taking before and after pictures in their fucking 50s.
What a bunch of fucking creeps.
Dude, my generation really turned out to be a bunch of fucking creeps.
You know, have you ever seen anybody age worse than fucking baby boomers in
Generation X with all of this fucking shit they're doing?
Jesus Christ.
Be a fucking man.
All right?
There's nothing wrong with looking like an old sea captain.
These fucking assholes.
And you know something?
Let me tell you what.
They're all a bunch of fucking cheaters.
All of these fucking assholes using all these fucking injections and all of
that shit.
Dialing back.
Whatever the fuck they're dialing back.
You still look old as shit.
Walking around looking like an old gorilla.
Anyway.
So, Steph took me down to this area where it's this big, it's just like a big
open market.
And ended up getting a, what did they have?
Was it the Godfather or a classic or something like that?
It was sausage, eggplant, and peppers.
And the sandwich was so fucking big, I only ate like half of it.
But it's sort of a part of Toronto that I've never been to.
It's sort of the business area or whatever.
And I will tell you this, man.
There's a, they got a fucking junkie problem up here.
You know what I mean?
Like every city, you know, you got your fucking drug addicts or whatever.
But like, this is like the only city I've been to in a minute where, you know,
you're walking down the street.
You're like, is that fucking guy coming at me?
Am I nuts right now?
Is that guy like, you know?
And then you're looking, sort of trying not to look at him, but also like, can
that person even see me?
I saw this guy come down with this fucking look of euphoria.
He must have just got a fix.
And his eyes were up and he was fucking smiling wildly.
And you know the deal.
You know the deal with junkies, right?
You're just like, just please, for the love of God, don't scratch me.
Don't touch me.
Don't, nothing of you, of your atmosphere get on me.
Please.
I swear to God, he came and he was like, you know, this fucking guy.
I don't know.
He was like old school bald, you know, where he didn't, he didn't shave the
sides.
He kept the hair.
So he just had this landing strip.
He looked, he looked like a fucking weatherman from the 1970s.
Just like tripping balls coming down the street.
Little bit of red in his fucking stubble.
I mean, this guy was, he was a fucking mess.
And I was, I didn't know what to do.
Like, I was kind of like, you know what I mean?
You just sort of subtly, as you're walking and you're waiting for, you know,
any sort of quick movement to spring out of the way.
You know, they got a lot of people talking to themselves.
But it's, it's mostly normal people.
So that's the thing.
They, they, because there's just so, you know, 99% of people are just normal
walking around.
Very nice, very polite people.
So, and then all of a sudden, like, and the junkies are sort of hiding, like,
amongst them.
Like, it's like they're coming out of a cornfield, except the corn is people.
You know what I mean?
All of a sudden, you're thinking you're just taking a stroll down the street.
You're like, it's Canada, man.
It's very nice.
It's very quaint.
It's a nice time of year to come up here.
And then all of a sudden, just like, out of nowhere, like a video game.
Junkie!
Fuck!
Happy junkie.
Happy junkie.
Angry junkie.
Talking to himself.
Zig-zagging.
Diagonal walker.
Diagonal walker.
Coming out of the crowd.
Nails!
You know, just that shit where you're just like, keep this the fuck away from
me.
You gotta figure they get a brand new batch every year with how cold it gets in
the winter.
There's no way these fucking one-shoed fucking junkies up here make it.
Although they have, like, those underground tunnels up here.
And I think they go underground, which is scarier because then you're kind of
like in these hallways.
Where, you know, I always felt like, you know, if you're above ground, you know,
worst case scenario, you can kind of lead the junkie into traffic.
And you can let, you know, a hatchback do your dirty work for you.
And that way you don't have to, like, touch them, you know.
What do you feel like, what crazy street person, like the way to go, it's
definitely a front kick.
You know what I mean?
If any part of you is going to touch them, you want it to be the bottom of your
shoe.
And I know this sounds like fucking heartless or whatever.
But, you know, like, what are you supposed to do?
Like, nobody, for some reason, there's no money to help out these people, which
is really fucking stupid.
The same way they don't help out veterans.
The same way they don't help out with anybody with any sort of fucking mental
issues.
Yeah, I don't know.
I've been reading all this conspiracy theory, too, about how, you know, with
water and food and how eventually, you know, for whatever reason, they're
shutting down farms, you know, to just cause a scarcity in food.
And it's just like, what in the fuck are these people doing?
And why do all regular people put up with it?
I actually had, like, a fantasy of all of those sociopaths that sit around and
think about doing shit like that.
That, like, some group of people just comes in and just whacks them all.
I mean, the entire family, like they did in Russia.
And then they find the bones fucking 100 years later.
Because you can't leave anybody alive in the family tree or else they come back
for their vengeance.
Like in all those old westerns and karate movies.
Sorry.
I have to...

Bill Burr "I Quite Like Canada"!

I'm sitting in the dark, I'm waiting to do a show in Toronto.
I am at the, uh, whatever the fuck they call this place, the Scotia.
Nice to know you, Scotia Center, fucking Belpac, fucking Tweeter, fucking
Target Center, Maple Leafs building.
It's my second night here, and, um, a friend of my, my drum teacher,
came in with some blue Vista lights, early 70s.
The, the, the event center was fucking, uh, empty, and I came in, and, uh, I
gotta tell you something, man.
Oh, fucking Billy Bonhamfoot is hanging around.
Oh, Billy Triplets.
Oh, fucking William Twinkle Toes.
Uh, the muscle memory was still there.
I mean, it sounds like shit.
It sounds like, you know, a stand-up comedian who's also a dad who doesn't have
time or any musical ability
is playing him, or the ability to say ability.
Do you hear me get fucking stuck on that word, ability?
Uh, which is weird, because the middle of that word is my name.
You'd think I could say it.
Um, anyway, so I sat down for like an hour, and I just smashed the shit out of
him.
Um, they sounded great.
Uh, thank you to Josh, Davey Lich's friend up here, who brought in his own kit.
Not only did he bring the kit in, um, he had a friend of his on the bass drum
head, the, uh, the, the front bass drum there.
Um, had him put a, uh, a BB on there.
Well, instead of BR, like Buddy Rich, which was cool.
Um, so I went up there and just fucking bashed for like an hour.
It was so much goddamn fun.
Um, because usually I just sort of do, you know, one show and then leave.
But this is, um, you know, an incredible turnout here in Toronto.
So thank you to everybody.
And, uh, you know what I like about the Maple Leafs?
You know, they leave their banners up.
So you get a really cool sense of where you're at.
You know, you play the one in Montreal.
They take away their fucking, all their banners because they're so fucking
stuck up, right?
Like, oh, unless the, the blue blanket rules, you know, they're not going to
fucking put them up there, right?
Um, which I don't understand.
Like, I don't know why they, well, they would do that.
It's like part of the history of being in that building is seeing all of those
fucking banners.
And whatever reason, they, they take them down.
Unless you buy a ticket for the blue blanket rules, uh, and yeah, buy the banners
on the rafters.
Whatever the fuck they're doing.
Sorry, that made me fucking, my hacky French-Canadian bullshit just made me
fucking cough.
Um, but anyway, this is like my third trip to, uh, Canada this year.
And I'm going to tell you something right now, uh, uh, uh, I would ever say, I
would say Jambien, uh, I don't know, Le Canada.
I quite like Canada.
Jambien, Canada.
Le Canada.
Oh, Canada.
I'm having a great time.
Right?
Fucking Vancouver's great.
Calgary, like, Calgary is literally Massachusetts with, with, it's more like if
Texas was Massachusetts and it was in Canada.
It's, you know something, that's not even true.
My, my whole view of Calgary is tainted.
Um, because, uh, meaning, meaning it's skewed.
Not talking about, uh, you know, the porno taint.
I mean, tainted as in skewed.
Um, because of the first time I was there with Verzi.
Paul Verzi way back in the day.
We went there and I don't know where we played, but these, it was the winter
time.
And I think everybody was going nuts because they were, like, cooped up or
whatever.
These fucking people drank like I had never seen.
And I really have to think, like, the next two times I played Calgary, I was
anticipating running into that.
Because they were fucking animals that first time I went out there.
I mean, I just remember.
All I'm, like, when I, when I think of it, I just think of the venue and just
hearing the sound of a beer bottle tipping over and then slowly rolling to the
front of the stage.
I heard that, like, nine times every show.
I mean, they were fucking lit.
And then the last two times I was there or whatever, it has been cool, but I've
just been anticipating.
Especially last time.
I played, like, a fucking park in the afternoon on the first show.
And, uh, it was great.
And then we also, we were downtown, uh, that time.
And the downtown area was great.
So I'm gradually shaking off my first experience in Calgary.
Um, and none of it was that people were assholes.
They were just fucking wasted.
That's all I remember.
So anyway, and, uh, then I did a trip to Montreal, which is always great.
Montreal.
Um, and then I went to, uh, now I'm in Toronto and I'm having a great fucking
time.
I found a great place to get an espresso.
I told you my road breakfast, my road breakfast, I'd have a double espresso and
then an orange after I go to the gym.
And it starts the day off, right?
Um, anyway, so, so I'm up here with Steph Toliv, who's fucking killing it.
And she's from Toronto.
And she took me down to, um, first of all, we went to the Hockey Hall of Fame.
It was right around the corner.
It's the second time I've been there.
Um, and my big takeaway from that, other than that, Hockey and Golf have, like,
some of the best trophies.
I think Hockey, just overall, the trophies that they have are fucking
incredible.
Um, I think I might like, I like the Hart Trophy, because I just remember Wayne
Gretzky would win it every year.
And, uh, then, uh, and then also the, the Conn Smythe, I always thought was a
cool one.
Which I didn't realize, I think this is a trophy, Conn Smythe, it has the old,
like, make-belief gardens.
You know, which is pretty cool.
Stadium on top of it.
Um, but my big takeaway is, I want to, uh, get some shit out of my living room.
Sell it or whatever.
And then I'm gonna buy, when my kids get a little bit older, we're gonna play
that stand-up hockey game.
Fuck these tablets and all of that shit.
I'm gonna get that bar level one that you play.
And here's another thing, too, was the kids were, kids were in there, and they
were playing, like, PlayStation, PS4, PlayStation 4.
Um, last time I had a PlayStation, it was, like, 20 years ago, it was
PlayStation 2, and they were playing the NHL one.
It was fucking unbelievable.
I was sitting there going, like, that's a video game?
That looks like a movie.
And I said to the kid playing, I go, can you fight somebody?
And he's like, yeah.
I said, all right.
So, he was playing the other team that wasn't the Maple Leafs, and he lined up
against Tavares.
And I guess, I don't know, the computer wasn't trying.
He just kept fucking uppercutting the guy.
And I was just like, dude, you're gonna have to pay for that later on in this
game.
You know?
You can't go after a goal scorer on a face-off.
He hasn't fucking done anything or whatever.
Whatever.
I had a good time watching them play.
But I want to get one of those, that stand-up game.
I want to get rid of, like, it's funny.
It's the area of the living room where I was going to have a bar back in the
day when I was a big booze hound.
I was going to buy an Art Deco-like bar.
I don't know.
I was into booze, right?
I was going to have some Humphrey Bogart-level fucking bar over in the corner.
And then I'm like, what am I doing?
You got kids.
It's over.
It's not your time anymore.
All right?
Just be your age.
Don't go out and get a Brazilian butt lift or whatever the fuck these people my
age are doing now.
HGH-ing, you know, and taking before and after pictures in their fucking 50s.
What a bunch of fucking creeps.
Dude, my generation really turned out to be a bunch of fucking creeps.
You know, have you ever seen anybody age worse than fucking baby boomers in
Generation X with all of this fucking shit they're doing?
Jesus Christ.
Be a fucking man.
All right?
There's nothing wrong with looking like an old sea captain.
These fucking assholes.
And you know something?
Let me tell you what.
They're all a bunch of fucking cheaters.
All of these fucking assholes using all these fucking injections and all of
that shit.
Dialing back.
Whatever the fuck they're dialing back.
You still look old as shit.
Walking around looking like an old gorilla.
Anyway.
So, Steph took me down to this area where it's this big, it's just like a big
open market.
And ended up getting a, what did they have?
Was it the Godfather or a classic or something like that?
It was sausage, eggplant, and peppers.
And the sandwich was so fucking big, I only ate like half of it.
But it's sort of a part of Toronto that I've never been to.
It's sort of the business area or whatever.
And I will tell you this, man.
There's a, they got a fucking junkie problem up here.
You know what I mean?
Like every city, you know, you got your fucking drug addicts or whatever.
But like, this is like the only city I've been to in a minute where, you know,
you're walking down the street.
You're like, is that fucking guy coming at me?
Am I nuts right now?
Is that guy like, you know?
And then you're looking, sort of trying not to look at him, but also like, can
that person even see me?
I saw this guy come down with this fucking look of euphoria.
He must have just got a fix.
And his eyes were up and he was fucking smiling wildly.
And you know the deal.
You know the deal with junkies, right?
You're just like, just please, for the love of God, don't scratch me.
Don't touch me.
Don't, nothing of you, of your atmosphere get on me.
Please.
I swear to God, he came and he was like, you know, this fucking guy.
I don't know.
He was like old school bald, you know, where he didn't, he didn't shave the
sides.
He kept the hair.
So he just had this landing strip.
He looked, he looked like a fucking weatherman from the 1970s.
Just like tripping balls coming down the street.
Little bit of red in his fucking stubble.
I mean, this guy was, he was a fucking mess.
And I was, I didn't know what to do.
Like, I was kind of like, you know what I mean?
You just sort of subtly, as you're walking and you're waiting for, you know,
any sort of quick movement to spring out of the way.
You know, they got a lot of people talking to themselves.
But it's, it's mostly normal people.
So that's the thing.
They, they, because there's just so, you know, 99% of people are just normal
walking around.
Very nice, very polite people.
So, and then all of a sudden, like, and the junkies are sort of hiding, like,
amongst them.
Like, it's like they're coming out of a cornfield, except the corn is people.
You know what I mean?
All of a sudden, you're thinking you're just taking a stroll down the street.
You're like, it's Canada, man.
It's very nice.
It's very quaint.
It's a nice time of year to come up here.
And then all of a sudden, just like, out of nowhere, like a video game.
Junkie!
Fuck!
Happy junkie.
Happy junkie.
Angry junkie.
Talking to himself.
Zig-zagging.
Diagonal walker.
Diagonal walker.
Coming out of the crowd.
Nails!
You know, just that shit where you're just like, keep this the fuck away from
me.
You gotta figure they get a brand new batch every year with how cold it gets in
the winter.
There's no way these fucking one-shoed fucking junkies up here make it.
Although they have, like, those underground tunnels up here.
And I think they go underground, which is scarier because then you're kind of
like in these hallways.
Where, you know, I always felt like, you know, if you're above ground, you know,
worst case scenario, you can kind of lead the junkie into traffic.
And you can let, you know, a hatchback do your dirty work for you.
And that way you don't have to, like, touch them, you know.
What do you feel like, what crazy street person, like the way to go, it's
definitely a front kick.
You know what I mean?
If any part of you is going to touch them, you want it to be the bottom of your
shoe.
And I know this sounds like fucking heartless or whatever.
But, you know, like, what are you supposed to do?
Like, nobody, for some reason, there's no money to help out these people, which
is really fucking stupid.
The same way they don't help out veterans.
The same way they don't help out with anybody with any sort of fucking mental
issues.
Yeah, I don't know.
I've been reading all th