Name: Bill Burr _ Surviving Being Homeless!
Uploaded: 2022-08-28T18:24:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Surviving Being Homeless!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Surviving Being Homeless!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-28. Transcript available.

Dear Boxcar Billy.
That's good.
That's actually really good.
If you found yourself homeless tomorrow, what would be your game plan?
Oh, my God.
Where would you set up shop?
Are you an under-the-bridge guy?
That's the first thing I thought of.
Or a beach guy?
I'm definitely not a beach guy.
Do you sleep all day to be alert to the dangers of the night?
Oh, is that what they do?
That makes sense.
That makes complete sense.
Yeah, the ones who can't fight.
They sleep during the day.
I think that's also just common sense, though, actually.
You know what they're like?
They're like rabbits.
What does that mean?
Rabbits are like the...
Cute and furry, but vicious?
No, rabbits are just like...
They exist to keep everything else fed in nature.
So they can have a bunch of them.
They're like coleslaw on the meat platter.
Ugh, I fucking hate coleslaw.
Coleslaw really is like a filler.
It fills up the plate.
But I actually was defending coleslaw to Paul Verzi.
It's like when somebody knows how to make it, so many people don't know how to
make it.
They make it all wet and fucking milky.
Mayonnaise-y.
Yeah.
Too much mayonnaise.
What about our old neighbor, though?
He made the hearty one.
Yeah, he made it very crisp and it's more like vinegary and tangy.
Jason Lawhead makes an unbelievable fucking coleslaw.
He makes like his...
But Jason Lawhead can cook anything and can make a meal out of anything.
That's right.
Well, let me finish this right here.
Okay.
Do you sleep all day to be alert to the dangers of the night?
You could beg or play drums on some pots and pans.
Thanks for the last listener from New Hampshire.
New Hampshire?
Oh, I'll tell you.
New Hampshire.
That's God's country up there.
That was the first time we ever...
The first time we ever took like a little vacation together.
Do you remember that?
It was in New Hampshire.
In the captain's quarters?
Captain's.
Quarters.
That little like beach, lake type business they've got over there.
Anyway, I could see you...
That was great.
That was great.
And it was perfect white trash for me.
There was enough tatted up people with tank tops.
There was enough fucking...
Just sort of I ate mac and cheese as a main course meal like me with toast.
Remember when I tried to like spray that kind of like tinter, tense SPF on you?
It was supposed to like...
It was supposed to give you like a tan and it didn't work.
And I used like...
I remember that.
And I used like two fucking spray cans and nothing happened.
It wouldn't take.
It just wouldn't take.
Like your skin repels color.
Like it's resistant to color.
Like it just won't happen for you.
It won't happen.
Yeah, it just won't.
You get more freckles on like your forearms and like your lower legs.
But other than that, it's nothing.
Well, what happens is if my...
Who can't take like a spray tan essentially?
Like what kind of pasty, melanin deficient fucking piece of freak nature are
you that you can't even...
I'm being so mean right now?
No, you're not.
I don't give a shit.
It's true.
I will...
Notice I didn't interrupt you.
I will...
I will object when you say something that isn't accurate.
Alright, so obviously sleeping during the day is going to be rough for me
because of the sun.
So I either choose a beat down or I get sunburned.
You definitely got to do...
You got to do the bridge.
It's shadier for you.
But it also smells like urine.
So, you know, you got to take the good with the bad.
And who can forget this impactful hit?
You know, I used to play drums with this guy and he was into the chili peppers.
And we used to play this song that was really fun to play, but I hated the
lyrics.
Why?
Suck my kiss.
Oh, okay.
I hate...
Suck my kiss!
Fucking hated the lyrics.
Yeah, that's a rough one.
Realize I don't want to be a miser.
The best thing about the Red Hot Chili Peppers is flea.
It's flea, right?
No, it's the whole band.
It's the whole band.
The whole band is awesome.
I love Anthony Kiedis.
I like Dave...
You hated his fucking...
What?
His Hitler mustache?
Not his Hitler mustache.
Because I hated that.
His autobiography where it was just one and then I was banging this hot chick
and I was in love.
Yeah, no, I found it insufferable.
I found it insufferable.
I like Dave DeVarro.
And you know what?
He came off to me like a bully.
And he was mean to flea.
And I was like, this guy's a dick.
And flea needs to know how to draw some fucking lines and be like, listen,
Anthony.
I'm not putting up with that shit.
I think flea knows how to take care of himself just fine.
Flea seems scrappy.
And like a little bit crazy.
He is scrappy, but you know what?
He wears his heart on his sleeve.
That's what I got out of it.
Oh, flea.
Oh, flea.
This turned into a flea love fest.
Flea, we love you.
You would definitely, you would be a street performer for sure.
Boxcar Billy, I swear to God, it's fantastic.
I would, uh...
You'd be a buscar.
No, this is what I have to know.
I would be up during the day and I would sleep at night until I took that first
brutal ass
kicking.
Like when the clockwork orange guys came around and started kicking me in the
ribs.
Then I would be a broken ribbed, balding Billy sleeping on the sidewalk, like
that guy down
the street when I walk Cleo by.
Cleo is always funny.
Like, you know, she's always viewing everybody as a threat.
She actually looks down at this person with like this look of concern.
Right.
Is he okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, she goes over and like she wants to like sniff and stuff.
Yeah, like, hey buddy, is everything all right?
She's curious about a lot of people.
It's interesting.
But not necessarily in a bad way, I don't think.
I see her kind of wanting to approach women a lot of time.
Yeah, she's sexist.
So yeah, I would be a, I would initially be an under the bridge guy, but I
would find a
bridge that nobody else was at.
And I would also be homeless in the nicest neighborhood I could be in.
They'd run you out though.
You can't be homeless in a nice neighborhood.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Like the nicest neighbor I could be homeless in.
Because then I could walk to a nicer neighborhood and be like, hey man, can you
help me out?
Have a heart.
And I would have every lie on my side.
Terminal disease, homeless vet, anything I could fucking, I got to make money.
I'd do anything.
What do you think about those people who are like, you know, why lie?
I want to get high.
Well, I didn't mean it to rhyme like that.
I liked it at first, but now I think it's hacky.
Okay.
You need to get a new, you need to get a new slogan there.
Clever homeless people.
Absolutely.
All right.
Fiance, we got to get moving here because we got to get the dog in the, we're
already an hour in.
Fiance getting crazy fit.
Hey, Billy Biceps.
Did you really say that?
Yeah.
Oh.
Why?
You didn't like it because it was sort of complimentary?
No.
Come on.
How good is shape am I in right now?
You look amazing.
Thank you.
Today, I have an odd problem that I am hoping you can lend me some advice.
I should have said, and I'm hoping, not that I'm hoping.
I have always been an on and off gym rat.
My fiance is amazing looking and worked as a Disney World dancer, which kept
her in fantastic shape.
Recently, she took a new job and sits behind a desk all day.
Looking for a new way to stay fit, she started heading to the gym with me.
All was great for a while to recently, she found a new workout program.
Now, she's addicted to lifting and with the advice of a personal trainer, is
looking to become a bikini competitor.
Sounds great, right?
Not so much.
First off, most bikini competitions are crazy ripped, manly ripped.
If I was into that, I would change teams.
Next issue.
Neil, would you want your man to look like a woman?
Next issue is that she doesn't want to...
All right, talk about my ignorance at the end of this.
I realized 40% of why that was an ignorant comment.
Next issue is that she doesn't want to have fun anymore.
We're in the mid-20s.
No kids and live alone.
We normally do a little partying, which has gotten cut out to save all calories.
And last off is that she really is a 10.
Now, her swinging dick in the weight room throws lines at her every day.
I trust her and have no worries, but it gets under your skin.
For these selfish reasons, I could use some advice.
I support her no matter what, but still want her to have fun and have no
interest in dating a man.
But I have no interest in dating a man.
Any good idea, maybe the lovely Nia could yell at me and set me straight.
You really have a reputation here.
Oh, yeah.
You're going to fucking get it.
You're absolutely going to get it.
Who made you the fucking authority on everything?
Get off your hole.
You're going to get it.
Shut up, Nia.
No, I will not shut up.
This guy needs to shut up because, oh, you feel in a certain kind of way
because your girlfriend is, you know, growing without you.
And you still want to lie around and be a tub of shit.
No, I'm just kidding.
Yeah, that's completely inaccurate.
I know.
I know.
We know somebody that has done bikini fitness, a female, and she doesn't look
like a dude at all.
They're the girls that are do really the steroid shit, which is, yeah, that's
that's that's not a good look.
And then they're the girls who are do the natural thing.
There's different, like, categories of it, but they're like the natural girls
and then they're the ones that look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, like circa 1983.
Obviously, obviously, you don't want that.
I totally get that.
I wouldn't, you know, if a girlfriend was going in that direction, I'd be like,
ah, no.
So, of course.
But, yeah, if she's getting in shape and she really loves it, no, she's not
going to want to go out drinking.
She's not going to want to go out.
Like, that's kind of just part of it.
Then they don't drink water, so it sucks everything up right before the thing,
and then they go out and they paint themselves brown in their bikini.
She's not going to end up looking like a dude.
I really don't think that that's a real fear that you have, so you really need
to stop it with that.
Like, give me a fucking break.
Just know that when you're lifting weights, all of a sudden she's going to be
like, yo, what's up?
Well, she has to keep the long hair, though.
She has to keep the long hair because eventually.
Most of them do have long hair in that competition because they're supposed to
like.
All right.
Because all I'm saying is eventually, if she keeps working out, her ass is
going to feel like an elbow.
And if she has the short hair, you could really feel like, wank, wank, wank, wank.
That's the odd thing.
She's not going to end up looking like a dude.
You're just getting insecure because, like you said, the dudes in the weight
room are starting to talk to her.
And so you're trying to deal with that by being like, I don't want to fucking
date a man, okay?
I mean, calm down, sweetie.
Yeah, but you know something on the other side, though.
Like, get over yourself.
He cares about her.
He's worried that he's going to lose her.
You're being a douche to him right now.
No, he's being a douche by being like, I don't want to date a guy.
If I wanted that, I'd switch teams.
Like, throwing that ridiculous shit in there.
Just come out with it.
Just say you're feeling insecure because she's looking better than ever.
And these meathead dudes that could probably bench press you are now talking to
her.
And now you're feeling a certain kind of way.
That's exactly what's going on.
You know, Nia, if you want people to hear your point, you can't shit on them
like that.
I'm sorry.
Did you just tell me that?
Yeah.
Because that's what you do.
You're like Billy shits on everybody, bruh.
Yeah, but not when I want somebody to hear my point.
Okay.
Maybe I can fucking hear it from you, but I can tell you this, Nia.
There is a certain point where a woman gets in such ridiculous shape.
You lose a lot of the femininity, however you say that fucking word.
Okay.
Yeah.
You like a little softness.
Yeah.
I understand.
Something to hold on to.
Yeah.
You know, you don't want to feel like you're cradling your buddy in a foxhole.

Bill Burr _ Surviving Being Homeless!

Dear Boxcar Billy.
That's good.
That's actually really good.
If you found yourself homeless tomorrow, what would be your game plan?
Oh, my God.
Where would you set up shop?
Are you an under-the-bridge guy?
That's the first thing I thought of.
Or a beach guy?
I'm definitely not a beach guy.
Do you sleep all day to be alert to the dangers of the night?
Oh, is that what they do?
That makes sense.
That makes complete sense.
Yeah, the ones who can't fight.
They sleep during the day.
I think that's also just common sense, though, actually.
You know what they're like?
They're like rabbits.
What does that mean?
Rabbits are like the...
Cute and furry, but vicious?
No, rabbits are just like...
They exist to keep everything else fed in nature.
So they can have a bunch of them.
They're like coleslaw on the meat platter.
Ugh, I fucking hate coleslaw.
Coleslaw really is like a filler.
It fills up the plate.
But I actually was defending coleslaw to Paul Verzi.
It's like when somebody knows how to make it, so many people don't know how to
make it.
They make it all wet and fucking milky.
Mayonnaise-y.
Yeah.
Too much mayonnaise.
What about our old neighbor, though?
He made the hearty one.
Yeah, he made it very crisp and it's more like vinegary and tangy.
Jason Lawhead makes an unbelievable fucking coleslaw.
He makes like his...
But Jason Lawhead can cook anything and can make a meal out of anything.
That's right.
Well, let me finish this right here.
Okay.
Do you sleep all day to be alert to the dangers of the night?
You could beg or play drums on some pots and pans.
Thanks for the last listener from New Hampshire.
New Hampshire?
Oh, I'll tell you.
New Hampshire.
That's God's country up there.
That was the first time we ever...
The first time we ever took like a little vacation together.
Do you remember that?
It was in New Hampshire.
In the captain's quarters?
Captain's.
Quarters.
That little like beach, lake type business they've got over there.
Anyway, I could see you...
That was great.
That was great.
And it was perfect white trash for me.
There was enough tatted up people with tank tops.
There was enough fucking...
Just sort of I ate mac and cheese as a main course meal like me with toast.
Remember when I tried to like spray that kind of like tinter, tense SPF on you?
It was supposed to like...
It was supposed to give you like a tan and it didn't work.
And I used like...
I remember that.
And I used like two fucking spray cans and nothing happened.
It wouldn't take.
It just wouldn't take.
Like your skin repels color.
Like it's resistant to color.
Like it just won't happen for you.
It won't happen.
Yeah, it just won't.
You get more freckles on like your forearms and like your lower legs.
But other than that, it's nothing.
Well, what happens is if my...
Who can't take like a spray tan essentially?
Like what kind of pasty, melanin deficient fucking piece of freak nature are
you that you can't even...
I'm being so mean right now?
No, you're not.
I don't give a shit.
It's true.
I will...
Notice I didn't interrupt you.
I will...
I will object when you say something that isn't accurate.
Alright, so obviously sleeping during the day is going to be rough for me
because of the sun.
So I either choose a beat down or I get sunburned.
You definitely got to do...
You got to do the bridge.
It's shadier for you.
But it also smells like urine.
So, you know, you got to take the good with the bad.
And who can forget this impactful hit?
You know, I used to play drums with this guy and he was into the chili peppers.
And we used to play this song that was really fun to play, but I hated the
lyrics.
Why?
Suck my kiss.
Oh, okay.
I hate...
Suck my kiss!
Fucking hated the lyrics.
Yeah, that's a rough one.
Realize I don't want to be a miser.
The best thing about the Red Hot Chili Peppers is flea.
It's flea, right?
No, it's the whole band.
It's the whole band.
The whole band is awesome.
I love Anthony Kiedis.
I like Dave...
You hated his fucking...
What?
His Hitler mustache?
Not his Hitler mustache.
Because I hated that.
His autobiography where it was just one and then I was banging this hot chick
and I was in love.
Yeah, no, I found it insufferable.
I found it insufferable.
I like Dave DeVarro.
And you know what?
He came off to me like a bully.
And he was mean to flea.
And I was like, this guy's a dick.
And flea needs to know how to draw some fucking lines and be like, listen,
Anthony.
I'm not putting up with that shit.
I think flea knows how to take care of himself just fine.
Flea seems scrappy.
And like a little bit crazy.
He is scrappy, but you know what?
He wears his heart on his sleeve.
That's what I got out of it.
Oh, flea.
Oh, flea.
This turned into a flea love fest.
Flea, we love you.
You would definitely, you would be a street performer for sure.
Boxcar Billy, I swear to God, it's fantastic.
I would, uh...
You'd be a buscar.
No, this is what I have to know.
I would be up during the day and I would sleep at night until I took that first
brutal ass
kicking.
Like when the clockwork orange guys came around and started kicking me in the
ribs.
Then I would be a broken ribbed, balding Billy sleeping on the sidewalk, like
that guy down
the street when I walk Cleo by.
Cleo is always funny.
Like, you know, she's always viewing everybody as a threat.
She actually looks down at this person with like this look of concern.
Right.
Is he okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, she goes over and like she wants to like sniff and stuff.
Yeah, like, hey buddy, is everything all right?
She's curious about a lot of people.
It's interesting.
But not necessarily in a bad way, I don't think.
I see her kind of wanting to approach women a lot of time.
Yeah, she's sexist.
So yeah, I would be a, I would initially be an under the bridge guy, but I
would find a
bridge that nobody else was at.
And I would also be homeless in the nicest neighborhood I could be in.
They'd run you out though.
You can't be homeless in a nice neighborhood.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Like the nicest neighbor I could be homeless in.
Because then I could walk to a nicer neighborhood and be like, hey man, can you
help me out?
Have a heart.
And I would have every lie on my side.
Terminal disease, homeless vet, anything I could fucking, I got to make money.
I'd do anything.
What do you think about those people who are like, you know, why lie?
I want to get high.
Well, I didn't mean it to rhyme like that.
I liked it at first, but now I think it's hacky.
Okay.
You need to get a new, you need to get a new slogan there.
Clever homeless people.
Absolutely.
All right.
Fiance, we got to get moving here because we got to get the dog in the, we're
already an hour in.
Fiance getting crazy fit.
Hey, Billy Biceps.
Did you really say that?
Yeah.
Oh.
Why?
You didn't like it because it was sort of complimentary?
No.
Come on.
How good is shape am I in right now?
You look amazing.
Thank you.
Today, I have an odd problem that I am hoping you can lend me some advice.
I should have said, and I'm hoping, not that I'm hoping.
I have always been an on and off gym rat.
My fiance is amazing looking and worked as a Disney World dancer, which kept
her in fantastic shape.
Recently, she took a new job and sits behind a desk all day.
Looking for a new way to stay fit, she started heading to the gym with me.
All was great for a while to recently, she found a new workout program.
Now, she's addicted to lifting and with the advice of a personal trainer, is
looking to become a bikini competitor.
Sounds great, right?
Not so much.
First off, most bikini competitions are crazy ripped, manly ripped.
If I was into that, I would change teams.
Next issue.
Neil, would you want your man to look like a woman?
Next issue is that she doesn't want to...
All right, talk about my ignorance at the end of this.
I realized 40% of why that was an ignorant comment.
Next issue is that she doesn't want to have fun anymore.
We're in the mid-20s.
No kids and live alone.
We normally do a little partying, which has gotten cut out to save all calories.
And last off is that she really is a 10.
Now, her swinging dick in the weight room throws lines at her every day.
I trust her and have no worries, but it gets under your skin.
For these selfish reasons, I could use some advice.
I support her no matter what, but still want her to have fun and have no
interest in dating a man.
But I have no interest in dating a man.
Any good idea, maybe the lovely Nia could yell at me and set me straight.
You really have a reputation here.
Oh, yeah.
You're going to fucking get it.
You're absolutely going to get it.
Who made you the fucking authority on everything?
Get off your hole.
You're going to get it.
Shut up, Nia.
No, I will not shut up.
This guy needs to shut up because, oh, you feel in a certain kind of way
because your girlfriend is, you know, growing without you.
And you still want to lie around and be a tub of shit.
No, I'm just kidding.
Yeah, that's completely inaccurate.
I know.
I know.
We know somebody that has done bikini fitness, a female, and she doesn't look
like a dude at all.
They're the girls that are do really the steroid shit, which is, yeah, that's
that's that's not a good look.
And then they're the girls who are do the natural thing.
There's different, like, categories of it, but they're like the natural girls
and then they're the ones that look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, like circa 1983.
Obviously, obviously, you don't want that.
I totally get that.
I wouldn't, you know, if a girlfriend was going in that direction, I'd be like,
ah, no.
So, of course.
But, yeah, if she's getting in shape and she really loves it, no, she's not
going to want to go out drinking.
She's not going to want to go out.
Like, that's kind of just part of it.
Then they don't drink water, so it sucks everything up right before the thing,
and then they go out and they paint themselves brown in their bikini.
She's not going to end up looking like a dude.
I really don't think that that's a real fear that you have, so you really need
to stop it with that.
Like, give me a fucking break.
Just know that when you're lifting weights, all of a sudden she's going to be
like, yo, what's up?
Well, she has to keep the long hair, though.
She has to keep the long hair because eventually.
Most of them do have long hair in that competition because they're supposed to
like.
All right.
Because all I'm saying is eventually, if she keeps working out, her ass is
going to feel like an elbow.
And if she has the short hair, you could really feel like, wank, wank, wank, wank.
That's the odd thing.
She's not going to end up looking like a dude.
You're just getting insecure because, like you said, the dudes in the weight
room are starting to talk to her.
And so you're trying to deal with that by being like, I don't want to fucking
date a man, okay?
I mean, calm down, sweetie.
Yeah, but you know something on the other side, though.
Like, get over yourself.
He cares about her.
He's worried that he's going to lose her.
You're being a douche to him right now.
No, he's being a douche by being like, I don't want to date a guy.
If I wanted that, I'd switch teams.
Like, throwing that ridiculous shit in there.
Just come out with it.
Just say you're feeling insecure because she's looking better than ever.
And these meathead dudes that could probably bench press you are now talking to
her.
And now you're feeling a certain kind of way.
That's exactly what's going on.
You know, Nia, if you want people to hear your point, you can't shit on them
like that.
I'm sorry.
Did you just tell me that?
Yeah.
Because that's what you do.
You're like Billy shits on everybody, bruh.
Yeah, but not when I want somebody to hear my point.
Okay.
Maybe I can fucking hear it from you, but I can tell you this, Nia.
There is a certain point where a woman gets in such ridiculous shape.
You lose a lot of the femininity, however you say that fucking word.
Okay.
Yeah.
You like a little softness.
Yeah.
I understand.
Something to hold 