Name: Bill Burr _ What If You Married A Royal???
Uploaded: 2022-08-29T17:35:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ What If You Married A Royal???' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ What If You Married A Royal???' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-29. Transcript available.

All right. Billy Royale. Hey, Bill, if you met a girl who you loved and was
perfect, but she was part of the royal family, would you marry her? Could you
deal with all the traditions you'd have to uphold?
No, I probably couldn't. Could you wear a crown and learn how to wave to the
crowd like a dandy boy? You're already in the spotlight, so you have to watch
what you say and how you say it. Would this be much different? Yeah, dude, it'd
be way different.
I don't have to watch what I say. That's that is all. Can I tell you something?
That's all a fucking myth that you have to watch what you say and how you say
it.
Even after these people who say they cancel people, these people, you know,
when they come back, people still want to go see them.
They're still selling out theaters. Their podcast numbers are off the charts.
It's it's all, you know, nobody's getting canceled.
I mean, you can lose an agent. You can lose a manager. Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah. I mean, some shit like that happens.
But, you know, even then, you don't have a stand up back. You don't have like a
podcast.
You know, I guess as an actor, you sit on the bench for a few years and then
eventually you come back.
I mean, it's kind of hard. If there was no cops and there was no legal founding,
finding, I would think.
And then just the way people are going about this shit where I saw this guy was
getting in trouble, you know, a couple of weeks ago.
And this person was tweeting, come on, guys, let's let's get it going and said,
hey, if you want to just DM me your stories anonymously.
It's like so I could just DM you a story. You're going to leave my name out of
it and I could just say whatever the fuck I want to say about this person.
And then you're just going to retweet it without as fat.
I mean, I don't I don't understand. I understand, like, you know, getting rid
of sexual predators and fucking, you know, people abusing their power like that.
But like, you know, this whole thing now where it's it's it's it's getting to
the point of like.
I don't know. Once, you know, I saw someone lose their job over an analogy.
I was kind of like, all right, guys, like, what was was this what we were
trying to do?
Stitch and time saves nine.
How could you say that? There's people working in sweatshops, right?
And then all of a sudden you lose, you know, how could you compare that to
sweatshops?
It's weird.
So, no, I don't have to watch what I say.
The younger me, the younger me.
Would have done that, but eventually.
The real me would have come out and it wouldn't have lasted.
The younger me would have done all the things you just said.
Short of marrying her, because I think my friends would have teased me so much
and I'd have such a need to be liked
that I would probably break it off.
But when the younger me, I wouldn't have done any of that.
I don't know how to do this.
A long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago.
I can't tell this story.
Let's just say I was in a situation.
I was dating somebody and.
It was really my.
One of my first serious girlfriends.
And the shit that I put up with.
And this isn't on them.
It was just me not having any boundaries.
I very easily.
Would have just stood there as they dress me up like some fucking.
Guy who's in the military, but isn't and has some big dumb hat.
And then I would sit there.
You know, moving, waving my hand and it's moving like a weather vane.
I probably would have done that.
I probably would have done that.
But if you're talking about now.
Any past the age of.
Twenty eight.
You could have got me.
Up to about the age twenty seven.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I could have fell for that.
But after that, I would be like.
No, I want to make my own mark in the world.
I have my own dreams here.
I don't want to just fucking.
You know, sit around the castle and eat quail.
With white gloves on every night.
You know what I mean?
I mean, how long.
Could you sit in that castle.
And you're watching a game.
And you can't be like.
Oh, what the fuck?
It's fucking boarding.
I could read his whole fucking last name.
You fucking crooked cunts.
Right.
I couldn't do that.
Or maybe you can't.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And then, you know what?
The whole time you're in there.
You're not going to feel like you want.
You're not going to feel totally respected.
The old broad there.
The oldest one.
You know, she's just going to be blowing you off.
The whole time.
Like, well, you don't have royal blood.
You know.
You downloaded their album.
But.
But.
Yeah, they wouldn't respect you.
And at some point.
You're just going to be sitting there thinking.
What makes this pruned up old fucking twat better than me?
Because she was born into this shit?
She didn't fight for this.
This already existed.
And they just gave it to her.
The fuck is she giving.
I had a fucking paper route since the third grade.
You know.
This is when you're drinking some fucking 60 year old cognac.
Not cognac.
Is it cognac?
Yeah, whatever the fuck that shit is.
But I tell you what I wouldn't do.
I wouldn't make her leave.
I wouldn't do that.
First of all, she wouldn't.
Women like stuff too much.
I would say this.
I'd say this.
If old ginger face was a chick and his wife was a dude, I'd say freckles doesn't
leave.
I say he doesn't leave.
I sit there.
You know, it's not that I don't love you.
It's just, you know, things are complicated.
It's really complicated.
Are you doing to disappoint my mother?
There would have been a reason.
And she would have been able to cry.
That would have made the dude feel guilty.
And, um, yeah.
Make her feel guilty.
And then at one point, the redheaded chick would be like,
Well, I know, and I hate the way they treat you, but I just gotta say, if you
really loved me,
Yeah, I can't, I can't.
There's racism.
I know, it hurts.
But I'm just saying, what about us?
They would have done that shit.
It would have been that, and she would have manipulated it.
Manipulated it?
In a way that she would have made it look like she was staying because she
could no longer trust the dude.
Right?
I think that that's what happened.
And I think what happened with, uh, old freckles there, royal freckles, you
know, who exists on a level of ginger that I never could.
He's just, he's better than me.
He is, he is right from the fountain of ginger.
He's pure.
He's uncut ginger.
I think, I think he was treated a certain way growing up.
All right?
He came out, he was walking around the castle, okay, with his freckles and his
flaming balls, and he's like, all right, who's kidding who?
There's no fucking way they're sticking that crown in my head someday.
First of all, that one guy's never going to die.
He finally just fucking died, right?
And then I got to wait for the other guy who's never going to die to die.
And then they're going to choose between me and, you know, old cumhead over
here.
But, you know, he lost all his hair, but he'd know that was happening.
But I, that's why I think he, he sort of rebelled.
He rebelled.
Well, the other kid was just like the show pony, and he had to do everything
the right way.
Right?
So, he stuck, he stuck around.
And then, you know, I don't know, the ginger kid, he downloaded a little bit of
Tone Loke.
You know, he's trying to have an edge.
He's trying to be the streetwise ginger in the fucking White Palace.
And, you know, it's just like, he just veered off a little bit.
And now he's in Santa Barbara.
And that's how it happens.
That's how it happens.
It's very easy.
It's very easy when you don't feel loved.
To just veer off into other, I think that that's what happened.
He didn't feel, you know, he was Jan.
And his older brother was Marsha, and he fucking knew it.
He knew it.
He said, you know what, Roy, I'm taking me Rubus, me cubic zirconia, and I'm
getting the fuck out of here.
Good for him.
Good for him.
Just hope he brought his son, Luck.
I mean, he went all the fuck in.
That dude left.
He resigned as a prince, which I didn't know you could do.
And then he moved to a sunny city.
And married a woman of color.
Wait a minute.
Dare I say he's ripping me off?
This kid's doing every fucking thing that I did, except I didn't live in a
palace.
Lived in a duplex there for a little while.
Living in a duplex is a great fucking thing, you know?
Everybody knows exactly how happy everybody's marriage is in that fucking
relationship, in that little duplex thing.
But I kind of liked it.