Name: Bill Burr _ If You Had To Pick A Finger, Which One Would You Pick?
Uploaded: 2022-08-30T20:01:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ If You Had To Pick A Finger, Which One Would You Pick?' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ If You Had To Pick A Finger, Which One Would You Pick?' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-30. Transcript available.

And sunscreen.
All these losing battles.
All right, re-losing a finger.
Oh, this is this guy last week.
He tried to pick up a baby tiger shark that rolled over on him
and just bit his finger off, and he acted like, he just goes,
I just lost my goddamn pinky finger.
I would have been like, I would have been freaking out.
Hey, Billy Bathsaltz, on Monday morning's podcast,
you mentioned that losing a pinky finger is probably for the best.
I was saying out of all the fingers you could lose.
I don't know.
Are you really going to give me shit here?
I was saying you can't throw a change up.
I did say that.
My procrastination need for useless information was peaked.
Turns out the pinky finger does a disproportionate amount of gripping,
while all the other human beings, other fingers are its helpers.
Basically, the reason human beings have opposables, thumbs,
the springboard of our evolution from being just another ape.
Apes have thumbs, don't they?
I thought it was because we ate mushrooms.
There's so many fucking internet theories.
Is that the thing?
Is that the thing is doing the opposite?
Opposing is the little finger.
Yeah, well, guess what?
The ring finger is going to step up on his hand.
The reason why the ring finger isn't doing shit is because the pinky's there.
All right?
The pinky just went down.
The ring finger's coming in off the bench.
It doesn't have a choice.
It's got to get it done.
I say the guy's ring finger will become stronger than yours and mine put
together.
Anyway, so if you have your little finger amputated,
you're going to lose a significant amount of grip strength
when holding everyday small objects initially.
Initially, you will.
Given the choice, that's, yeah, it's like your other senses heightened.
Same thing with the ring finger.
The ring finger steps up.
Steps up, puts down the clipboard, and now you can do a pull-up.
Given the choice, you want to give up the index finger on the hand
you don't use for writing as the other two of the middle digits will take over
its job.
Who knew?
Thanks for the podcast and the comedy.
It keeps us grounded in these mercurial times.
All right.
Just out of curiosity, like, did you just Google one thing?
Like, the fact that you had no idea and now you're, like, talking to me like
you're an authority.
And I'm defensive because I was saying,
I don't think the pinky's that big a deal.
I think it's, like, the best one to lose as far as, like, you know,
if you're walking around in public.
Like, no one's really going to notice that.
You know?
If your hand's sort of, like, fucking relaxed.
I don't think that they noticed it.
Did that just pique your interest and now you're going to fucking slam that
down?
Listen, man, I'm just trying to fill up an hour every week.
I don't need you coming in here cross-examining me.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
That actually was interesting.
But I would think that the pinky finger would, I mean, the ring finger would
then do something.
I can only feel like I'm right now.
Like, yeah, it would do something.
It's not just going to sit there.
If you're ever inclined to do a show, like, you ever see, like, people with no
arms working out as bank tellers?
How flexible their fucking legs are?
Do you think that they would be there and then doing all this shit with their
feet?
I can't fucking do that.
Their feet are acting like hands.
Why?
Because they have no arms.
Hence, they got nothing to put their hands on.
That's what I'm saying.
That's my rebuttal.
Your thing that got peaked just got peaked by my peak.
Twin Peaks.
If you're ever inclined to do a show in Bangkok, know that there's a huge expat
community of stand-up lovers who will support the shit out of it.
We sold out Chappelle and Jeffries within a week of tickets released.
Just saying.
Well, I want the locals to go.
Re-cakes.
Oh, my idea for cakes, you know, because they have Hooters.
You make a restaurant called Cakes.
They serve the same shitty chicken wings, except the girls have nice asses, as
opposed to big titties, you know?
Just fill in a void.
And then when that works, you make feedies.
Dear Billy Brainstorm, I think cakes is a good idea for a counterplay to Hooters.
I just like to add that size of either tits or ass is overrated.
It's all about shape.
I've heard an evolutionary biologist speak on this as well when asked about the
attraction to large tits or ass.
What?
Where the fuck were you that you were watching an evolutionary biologist speak
and somebody was just like, that's very interesting how we went from being apes
to now driving Teslas that are going to drive it for us.
As fascinating as the evolution of man is, can we talk tits and ass, please?
And the person was just, well, absolutely.
Anyway, he didn't use the terms tits and ass, right?
He was much more eloquent and respectful.
I dated two girls with large tits.
One was a long time ago.
When she laid down, they almost disappeared.
One of them is my current wife and she's 39 and they're still perky and whatnot.
She works out and has a great ass.
A great ass, too.
I dated a girl who bragged about her ass, but it was just big and there was
nothing special about it.
The size wars are a young man's dead-end game.
Shape is what matters.
I don't need a giant ass if it looks like a bag of old yogurt.
Hey, man, I was just trying to fucking open a restaurant and you're sitting
there like the chicks I'm going to have working there won't have, like, I don't
know what a fucking nice ass looks like.
I need to talk to an evolutionary biologist.
What the fuck is in the water this week?
You guys are all coming at me.
Anyways, this guy's going on and on about himself and I don't need giant tits
if they're just fat because the girl is fat.
P.S.
If you open cakes, you better make routine visits to locations wearing a robe
and smoking a cigar while brazenly pinching employees' asses.
No.
If I'm in the restaurant community as a ginger, one of us already fucked up
that world, so they'd have me.
I'd have to do a fucking 23andMe to prove that I wasn't Mario Batali.
You know, I still have his cookware and I still stand by Multimario.
It's a fucking great cooking show.
Celebrities at your shows.
Yes.