Name: Bill Burr _I'm A Booze-bag & My Friends Don't Want Me To Quit!
Uploaded: 2022-09-01T09:53:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _I'm A Booze-bag & My Friends Don't Want Me To Quit!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _I'm A Booze-bag & My Friends Don't Want Me To Quit!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-01. Transcript available.

Um, podcast question.
Dear Billy Graybush.
I was recently, these are getting really personal, guys.
I know you're running out of ways to insult me, but, you know, at least you
taught me how to say sherbet.
I'm actually going to call my lovely wife, Nia, after this podcast and be like,
how have you been letting me say sherbet all these years?
And no one would say anything, but then I wonder afterwards, it's like, did
that guy just say sherbet?
It's sherbet, not sherbet. It's not a new Muppet.
All right, dear Billy Graybush, I was recently listening to your podcast when
you brought up drinking
and how that is the easy way to go to deal with your problems.
I don't think I ever said that directly.
Um, I, I don't know. Maybe what I was saying was like that.
I don't, I don't know. I don't even remember half the shit I say.
Anyways, this person says,
I've been a booze bag and done some pretty deplorable stuff since I was 18.
I use it to suppress my childhood problems,
but I feel it's really time to quit and to try to deal with that in a
functional way.
I don't want to be that old guy with a massive nose.
Yeah, that's called a gin blossom.
And a face the color of a beet.
I'm 26 now and every time I stop drinking, my friends shit talk me about how I'm
not fun anymore.
Should I risk losing my friends to better my own life?
Uh, yeah, I don't think you even have to lose them.
Just be like, yeah, just like, listen, I'm going to fucking die.
I don't, I don't want to look like W.C. Fields when I'm fucking 27.
Um, look, you can, I, I, you can just stop drinking and then try to stay
friends with those people.
And if they're not going to be friends with you,
if alcohol was the only reason why you're friends, then you need to get some
new friends.
And fortunately, you're only 26 years old.
So you got plenty of time, plenty of time to find new friends.
At my age, it's hard to find new friends.
Because, um, you know, most of your good ones are dead.
And, uh, and then people my age that are looking for friends, it's usually
because they're assholes.
And they got kicked out in their 30s and 40s with people that should have been
their lifelong friends.
Um, anyways, love the podcast and what you bring to the comedy scene.
Thanks, you, thanks and go fuck yourself.
Um, all right, I'm gradually learning how to speak English during this podcast.
Sherbet.
Sherbet, and it's anyway, not anyways.
Anyways.
All right, underrated.
All right, shopping for deals.
Um, I make decent money.
If I spend an extra $1,000 a year on groceries or everyday supplies,
because I didn't price shop, I'll still be fine.
Uh, after prices started inflating, I started looking around and realized no
stores,
no store has deals on everything anymore.
You really have to look at multiple stores.
I don't care if you need to save money or not.
If you are giving into the convenience of paying $4.99 for dish soap,
dish soap instead of $1.99, you're a fool
and are contributing to the fall of civilization.
Well, look at you.
You got it all figured out, don't you, you tight fuck?
Um, I'm going to tell you this right now.
You know, if you can afford to pay $4.99 instead of $1.99,
and you can just fucking get the dish soap that's right in front of your face
and not make an extra goddamn trip,
and actually live life, I would do that.
But, you know, I've been there, okay?
When I wasn't making money, I would just, I just went to some shithole that
smelled bad.
It was, you know, I went to the, you know, the bodega around the corner
when I was living fucking in New York City.
That fucking asshole used to mop it up with the same dirty goddamn mop.
And I remember thinking, like, why doesn't he just change the mop here?
What I should have done is I should have just gone over to the shelf
and got some bleach and poured it in there
and been like, that, it's still, to this day, I can still smell it.
And that was like 27 fucking, it was half my life ago.
That place probably doesn't even exist anymore.
That's a fucked up thing.
It's probably some glass tower
with talking heads from CNN and Fox News living in there.
Yeah, you know what? You're right.
I think that sometimes because I'm terrible with money.
Like, I don't spend a bunch of money, but I also don't give a fuck.
I shop like a guy where I'm just like, I need this.
Are you selling this? Great.
What do you want here?
That's how I shop.
I don't go around doing shit like that.
But I think you're actually right.
That's why I kind of gave you shit, because I knew you were right.
Because I do that all the time.
I just don't give a fuck.
Like, part of it is I'm like antisocial.
And it's like, now I have to go talk to another person.
Now I have to walk into another store
and there's going to be that security guard
who's like 108 years old, you know.
When are we going to admit that most of the security
can't do shit in this country?
It's just they just have a person there
so they won't get sued.
And they just hire somebody who got fucked out
of his security money to fucking stand there,
you know, and lean up against a goddamn, you know,
display of dishwashing detergent.
As you come on, hey, how are you?
You're the security?
Yeah.
Did you fight in the Spanish-American War?
How fucking old are you?
Oh, Jesus, Bill, that's ageism.
Fucking, why would you stick an old guy?
Is he just putting another victim in the store?
Unless they have, unless they wire their help,
I've fallen and I can't get up button to the local police.
Maybe that's the way you do it.
I don't know.
I have no idea.
Anyway, college football starts next week.
Is next week's game,
let's take a peek here at the NFL schedule.
Let's take a peek.
The NFL Thursday night game, right?
NFL Thursday first game schedule.
When is it?
Week one.
All right.
Thursday, September 8th.
Ah, fuck me.
It's not next Thursday.
It's the Thursday after.
But look at that game, would ya?
Josh Allen and the Buffalo Bills
versus the Rams
and that fucking guy from Detroit
who I already forget his name
even though he won a Super Bowl.
What the fuck was his name?
The second the season's over.
See, back in the day,
I used to, when I had football cards,
I would just go through them like flashcards.
Granted, I wasn't flying all around the fucking country
and having two kids and shit.
What the hell is it?
Matthew Stafford.
Bam!
Got it.
Who else is playing?
Oh, would you look at this?
Would you look at this?
Would you look at this?
Saints versus the Bengals.
Browns at the Panthers.
Niners at the Bears.
Steelers against the Bengals.
Look at that.
A big fucking divisional game
right off the bat.
Eagles versus the Lions.
Colts versus the Texans.
And look at this.
Look at this.
My New England Patriots
with Mac Jones
is going up against the Dolphins
who signed Tyreek Hill.
Can we cover him?
The Washington Commanders.
Jesus, fuck.
The Cleveland Guardians.
The Washington Commanders.
That sounds like one of those.
Both of them sound like names
of sci-fi, like space TV shows
that would be spinoffs from Buck Rogers
that would go half a season.
You know?
Lauren Green stars in The Commanders.
The New York Football Giants
against the Tennessee Titans.
Oh, here's a fun one.
The Chiefs versus the Cardinals.
Raiders Chargers.
Jesus Christ.
Last time I watched a Raiders Chargers game,
I was on Mushrooms.
It was fucking amazing.
Packers versus Vikings.
Buccaneers versus Cowboys.
Tom Brady going into Dallas.
Oh, my God.
There's going to be a lot of Botox leaking
after he fucking drops 400 yards on them.
And then you got the Denver Broncos
against the Seattle Seahawks
that do not have Russell Wilson.
Wait a minute.
The Broncos have Russell Wilson
and he's going into Seattle.
You're telling me you're not going to sit down
and watch that?
Does anybody do it better than the NFL?
As far as the show.
I'm not talking about, you know,
they take care of their veterans
the way this country does.
Shots fired!
All right.
That's it.
That's the fucking podcast, man.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Thank you to everybody that came out
over the last week.
In the last week,
I've performed to more people
than I've probably performed to
in my life, without a doubt.
It was an unbelievable run
and I got one more show
and I'm already feeling like
I'm going to be in a stupid mood
and I wrote a couple jokes today.
I didn't really write them down.
I just, they got them in my head.
You know, I was sitting outside
up by the fucking valet
and enjoying myself
having a fucking root beer
and a little short cigar.
And now I'm going to head in.
I'm going to do a little fucking damage
there tonight, hopefully. All right, that is it.