Name: Bill Burr _ September Has Finally Come, It's NFL season!
Uploaded: 2022-09-05T01:25:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ September Has Finally Come, It's NFL season!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ September Has Finally Come, It's NFL season!' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-05. Transcript available.

And I'm just checking in on you
I'm checking in to see how you're doing
If you're a man, I know you're doing just fine
Because it's September 1st
And what does September mean?
Fucking goddamn NFL football
Give me a fucking life
Oh, I can't wait
I actually woke up this morning
I thought it was opening day today
And I was like, do the fucking Bills
I'm sorry
Do the Bills play the fucking Rams
To kick off the goddamn 2022 NFL season?
Is that what I'm thinking?
I was just fucking standing on the bed
Standing over my wife
Do you know what today is?
Who?
On two, on two, ready, break
She's like, um, it's next week
So why don't you calm the fuck down?
None of that happened
It all happened in my head
It all happened in my head
And in my head, my wife was also excited for football season
But we know that in life
You can't have it all
Because when you have it all
Then you appreciate nothing
Okay, it's the struggle
It's the struggle
That makes you appreciate
Just being able to sit down
For fucking half a second
And have a cup of coffee
You know?
Or maybe stare out the window
As you eat a sandwich
Right?
If anything you ever fucking wanted
Was always there
There would be no joy
You know?
You're in the clouds
Right?
You don't know if
You don't know if you're fucking up or down
So why don't we just sit back
And thank all the cunts in our lives
Speaking of slippery slope
The New York Yankees
I watched the game yesterday
I'm watching the Yankees now
I watched the Red Sox
But then I flipped back and forth to the Yankees
Because I'm rooting for Aaron Judge
I want to see him break this record
He hit his 50
At the fucking bomb
To straight center
The other night
In a victory against the Angels
I believe
And
Maybe they lost
I can't remember
But last night
I put it on
And it was like
Alright, they're up 2-0
Yankees are up 2-0
And
You know
They're playing the Angels
And you know
Aaron Judge ought to be coming up
I don't know what inning it was
I just kind of watched
Like the last four
Their starter was doing great
He went out
And then they went to the bullpen
And you know
With the Yankees
The way they're playing right now
Their bullpen
I don't know what the deal is
That's when the game gets exciting
Because
You know
They could come in
And shut him down
Or they could
You know
I don't know
I don't know
But it wasn't the pitcher's fault
Last night
It was
Throw to
Basically
This guy hits one
Down the third baseline
And that guy
Who claims
He didn't say
He was like
Jackie Robinson
He stabbed it
Got up
And he threw it
I don't know if it was
Rizzo on the bag
But rather than
Coming off the bag
He tried to stretch
Because it was to his right
And it got past him
And then that guy
Went to second base
And then the next play
Is a grounder
Like a fucking
Should have been
A double play ball
But
That guy was on second
But now that he's on second
Does that change the way he pitched
I don't know
The shortstop
Boots it
Two errors in a row
All right
So
I'm not saying
The first one
Wouldn't have been
Like an infield hit
But if it was online
I think
No
I think he would have had it
So it was a
Throwing error
So it was basically
Two errors
And then Otani
Gets up
And I'm like
Wait a minute
This guy
This guy
Is the Japanese
Babe Ruth
I mean this guy
Can throw a fucking
No hitter
Or hit a home run
Let's see what he's gonna do
And what does he do
Like Aaron Judge
He goes straight away
Center
Hits a fucking
Ball
To make it
Three to two
And I'm like
Holy shit
But then it was still
Like the seventh inning
And I'm like
All right
Yankees
You know
Only down a run
Let's see what they can do
And the Angels
Brought this guy in
Who I can only describe
As somebody
Who looks like
He'd either be
Hanging out at a
Bowling alley
Selling grass
In the 70s
Or he's like
A total full on
Like analytics guy
Like total math team guy
Like he just looked like
You know those guys
That are just skinny
Their whole lives
And they had that
Really fucking
Pronounced Adam's apple
They sort of look
Like buzzards
You know
And then they put
The glasses on
You're like
Oh it's a smart buzzard
Right
That's kind of
What he looked like
So I didn't have
A lot of faith in him
And he proved me wrong
And they won
It was an entertaining game
So this is also
Another thing that I love
About September
Is like baseball
All the races start
Like you know
Getting tight
And everything like that
And if your team's
Out of it
I just start watching
The games that matter
Or whatever
I did see though
The line shot
That what's his face
Hit
A grand slam
For the Red Sox
Why the fuck
Is his name escaping me
He's like
The guy that everybody wants
It's not Devers
It's not Story
It's not Bobby Darback
It's the other guy
It's our shortstop
Well you know
It'll come to me
I understand how
My old brain works now
You know what I have to do
Is not think about it
And then just
Casually glance at it
Out of the corner of my eye
And then the answer
Comes to me
Sandra Bogost
Woo
See how that works
It's what it is
You just say
You know what
It's when you care
When you have an older brain
And you care
You start to fucking panic
And everything starts
Fucking ping ponging up
In your brain
And then the second
You're like
You know what
I don't give a fuck
Your brain comes back
You know like a cat
Like hey
Come on man
Don't be like that
Right
The idea pops back
In your head
Can we talk Buffalo Bills
For a second
I didn't know
They signed Vaughn
Miller
I mean
I can't even tell you
How fucking excited
I am
About the AFC
This year
Alright
I mean look at
The fucking
God damn quarterbacks
The quarterbacks
That we have
In the AFC
This is the future
I'm calling it right now
I think
I don't know
I don't know enough
About the defenses
In the NFC
But I just
I just
Dude look at the
Fucking AFC West
There's just
Four
Fucking studs
At quarterback
And I'm thinking
To myself
Hey Bill
You didn't book
Any shit
In the fall
I'm gonna start
Going to some
Los Angeles
Charger games
Because
Patrick Mahomes
Is coming to town
Derek Carr
Is coming to town
Russell Wilson
Is coming to town
And for some
Fucking reason
I can't remember
The San Diego guys
Quarterbacks
Herbert
Right
Not Dustin
Christian
Dakota
Wait
Chargers
I've already done this
QB
Why can't I remember
This guy's name
Herbert
Yeah
It is Herbert
Justin
Not Dustin
Justin Herbert
How fun are those
Fucking games
Gonna be
Alright
Then you got
Joe Burrow
And you got
Josh Allen
That is
Four
Six
Who else
Do we got
And we're gonna see
What Mac Jones
Is all about
Coming back
For his third
Year
I don't know
I'm really
I'm really
Excited
I like
The AFC
Fucking
West
Is gonna be
Sick
And then
Hopefully
The Bills
You know
It'll be
Amazing
Is if the
Bills play
Who the fuck
Do we play
This year
What division
Do we play
Hang on a second
Hang on a
Fucking second
Patriots
Patriots
Schedule
20
Not home
You cunts
Well I'll be
Okay
Oh the Ravens
Oh we're going
With that division
Is that what
You're telling me
No wait
We play
The Raiders
We play
The Raiders
We got
The Steelers
The Packers
Browns
Jets
Patriots
Sorry
Jets
Bills
Raiders
Dolphins
Oh that's
Our home
Schedule
No it
Isn't
Oh we're
Playing the
Bengals
Too
Fuck
That's
At home
Wow
And then
We're playing
What is it
The AFC
The NFC
West
Wait
Cardinals
Vikings
Wait
Who are we
Playing
Lions
No we're
Playing the
Central
Then we
Just have
A random
Game
With
Arizona
We got
The Panthers
Which is
Gonna be
Baker
Mayfield
Tua
With the
Dolphins
That skinny
Gentleman
There for
The Ravens
I don't know
Who's with
The Steelers
Now
Derek Carr
We got
We got
Some
Quarterbacks
We're going
Up against
They got
Lynn Dickey
Out there
In Green Bay
Aaron Rodgers
Then they got
The guy
Who likes
To go
To the
Massage
Parlor
For the
Browns
This is
Gonna be
Fun
It's
Gonna be
A fun
Ass
Year
I can't
Wait
And then
We also
Have
College
Football
This
Weekend
What are
You guys
Thinking about
USC and
UCLA
Going into
The
Into
The
The
Pac-10
Not the
Pac-10
The
Big
10
I don't
Know
From what I
Heard
What those
Teams
Are gonna
Do
Is
When
They
Have
A travel
Game
They're
Just
Gonna
Go
They're
Gonna
Have
Back-to-back
Weeks
They just
Stay out
There
So they're
Gonna go
Out there
And then
Practice
You know
Play the
First game
And then
Just stay
Out there
And then
Play the
Next one
So they're
Literally
On the
Fucking
Road
Like a
Baseball
Team
They're
Gonna
Have
To
Pay
Pay
These
Kids
And
You're
Gonna
Have
Like
Fucking
Holdouts
And
Shit
It's
Gonna
Be
A
Nightmare
I
Don't
Know
How
You're
Gonna
Do
It
But
What's
Funny
Is
How
All
These
Other
Fucking
Like
Sports
That
Barely
Buy
Anything
For
The
School
Like
Who's
Kidding
Who
All
Right
Your
Football
And
Your
Basketball
Program
Is
Why
You
Have
Your
Campus
That's
Basically
It
At
All
The
Big
Schools
All
Right
No
One
Gives
A
Shit
About
Your
Fucking
Rowing
Team
Or
Whatever
So
Then
And
Then
It's
Gonna
Become
Like
Well
How
Come
The
Guys
Are
Making
More
Money
Than
The
Women
They're
Literally
Gonna
Do
That
And
Completely
Ignore
Ticket
Sales
So
Here's
The
Thing
Though
Ladies
You
Have
All
The
Power
Here
If
You
Want
Female
Athletes
To
Make
More
Money
Or
To
Make
The
Same
Amount
Of
Money
I
Said
This
In
My
Last
Question
All
You
Have
To
Do
Is
Go
To
The
Games
You
Go
To
The
Games
And
You
Start
Buying
Some
Merch
If
You
Women
Actually
Gave
A
Fuck
About
Each
Other
Okay
If
You
Guys
Started
Doing
Togetherness
Rather
Than
Whatever
The
Fuck
It
Is
That
You've
Been
Doing
That
You
Then
Blame
Men
For
Which
You
Know
We
Probably
Pitted
You
Against
Yourselves
But
You're
Also
Smarter
Than
We
Are
So
Like
You
Figured
It
Out
Now
Act
Accordingly
It's
Just
More
Fun
To
Fight
All
Right
Me
Undies
Everybody
Me
Undies
Me
Undies
Go
Watch
Women's
Lacrosse
Me
Undies
Me
Undies
Then
You'll
Be
The
Fucking
Boss
But
You
Don't
Want
To
Watch
Those
Broads
You'd
Rather
Watch
The
Guys
And
Have
Someone
Else
Pay
For
Your
Drinks
And
That's
Why
You
Fucking
Always
Stink
And
You're
Not
Gonna
Make
The
Money
We
Do
But
You're
Wearing
Me
Undies