Name: Bill Burr _ Wife Cheated On Our Wedding Night! [Advice]
Uploaded: 2022-09-07T01:32:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Wife Cheated On Our Wedding Night! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr _ Wife Cheated On Our Wedding Night! [Advice]' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-07. Transcript available.

all right wife cheated on me night before our wedding oh boy oh boy the next
one is
fucked my roommate's sister jesus christ the fucking animals that listen to
this podcast
um it's almost like i attract them with my own ignorance all right wife cheated
on me night
before our wedding dear billy hot lips my wife and i have been happily married
for 13 years we live in
tulsa oklahoma well not to get selfish here with your extremely painful story
but i'm going to be
in i'm going to be at the brady theater in tulsa oklahoma coming in the next
few months okay
all right where we met at the university of i'm not gonna say the university
okay
that we have two children ages 10 and 7 and have a really comfortable life
together the other night
i took my wife out for a date night dinner and bowling the bowling sounds lame
but remember it's
tulsa dude bowling is the shit uh you get in a league it's fucking awesome
anyways my wife and i went up
to the bar at the bowling alley and when the bartender saw her he gave her a
weird look sort of like
haven't i met you before after taking our order he came back with drinks and
said enjoy mitzi i was
shocked when he knew her name and i gave my wife a puzzled look we took the
drinks and went back to
our lane and i asked her how he could know her name she said she has no idea
and checked her shirt as if
for some reason she was wearing a name tag after a few minutes when she couldn't
think of an excuse or
a lie she dropped a bomb on me she told me that he was the bartender from the
hotel where we had our
wedding reception she said the night before our wedding after our rehearsal
dinner her and her
bridesmaids went to the hotel to sleep and stopped at the lobby bar for a
couple of drinks everyone then
went up to bed but my wife ah good friends but oh everyone went to belmont but
my wife snuck down to
go talk to the bartender oh wait a minute my apologies to her friends she told
him that she's getting
married tomorrow but once one more night with another man before giving herself
to me so she took him
up to the honeymoon suite and had sex with them which by the way is the same
bed that we consummated
her marriage in the next night oh god
she told me she was never going to tell me because it meant nothing more than
her wanting
to end her single life with a bang not a whimper literally a bang she claims
she has never had
doubts about us and that she is sorry that i found out but she doesn't regret
the cheating because it
assured her that she had found the guy who she wants to be with forever yeah
buddy you try the same
thing and then tell her that hey it meant nothing and when i was banging her i
was like you know what
yeah yeah i am with the right broad after hearing this i asked if she had
cheated since we've been
married and she said no which i believe we left the bowling alley and drove
home in bitter silence
i'm not spoken to her in about a week now other than when it pertains to the
kids and other important
matters she's been sleeping in the guest room because she knows i don't want to
be around her however i know i
need to confront her about this but i am unsure how to go about it i think the
only scenarios are divorce
or basically accepting and forgiving neither of which i want to do at this
moment which is you're
right i'm not telling any of my family or friends about this because i'm
embarrassed
so i'm hoping you can give advice love the podcast and go yourself i'd tell her
exactly what you just told me
just say that the only two possible scenarios here are divorce or me accepting
and forgiving
but i'm not ready to do either one at this moment okay and you're gonna have to
accept that and my
mood around you because of your actions all right and by the way i'm not
telling any of my family and
friends about this because i'm so embarrassed okay and um then i would
recommend going to some sort of
couples therapy because that is a mind beyond um any of my bar room advice but
uh you seem pretty well
emotionally where you know exactly what you're feeling and why you're feeling
it i would just communicate it
to her um and she better not pull this of like see you're just not going to
talk to me forever make
it about herself um i don't know i think the only way how do you stay out i
mean you got to stay because
the kids are there which is such a situation and then um
all right the positive side is she actually owned up to it
negative she waited 13 years and two kids all right let's not do the positive
and negative because i
feel like uh once this is going to be like a bad super bowl here um yeah i don't
know what is the
solution you get to somebody um i don't know and it sounds to me like you didn't
even want to do that
so that's not gonna be a solution i don't know i would get professional help
when you're ready to sit down and talk about it uh
listen it'd be one thing if you were fucking early on in your goddamn
relationship
but you were getting married the next day and then
fucked in the own guy you know that in in literally that bed i have to be
honest with you man
that's pretty hardcore that's like guy level piece of behavior um although
women are totally
capable of it that's just that that's not their mo because they're so good at
being pieces of that
everybody thinks they're not we're guys we just constantly get caught with
their pants down
oh you said you're gonna be home later that's your excuse well i mean aren't
you also being dishonest
all right fucked my roommate's sister oh boy all right dear billy burnicles i
fucked my roommate's
sister and i now need your help my roommate's sister that's the only i can get
through these because
these are so fucking sad my roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he
was out of town uh she
was going to the bars with some friends and crashing on her brother's bed my
place or what have you
she invited me out with her and i said fuck yeah i'm paraphrasing on this you
know she is pretty much
our same age mid-20s as i hung out a lot of our with you know and it has hung
out a lot with our group
of friends and i've known her for five years now and consider her a friend
outside of just my friend's
sister this is how i justify what the i did at the end of this letter uh so i
figured what the hell
maybe she could be a good wingman i could hit it off with one of her friends
unfortunately that
wasn't what happened hey nia just walked in nia this guy just found out
he went he was at a bowling alley he's in a bowling league with his wife or
whatever they're out
bowling can i just ask a question was that your attempt at a southern accent or
what was that that
you were just doing oh it's because these are so sad i just have to do it in a
silly accent because
i don't hear it yeah was that a bad accent yeah no it isn't that's a funny
accent okay i mean yeah
funny i'm not trying to like be like legitimately jesus christ i came in making
fun of you yeah yeah i did hi
criticism it never ends what's uh that's your idea of a uh yeah i'm giving you
okay i just seem
like in the podcast why are you being so sensitive because it sounded like you
were serious oh see
now you're on instagram you're gonna get all like weird about stuff man i don't
even know what that
i i tell you right now i can't even i don't even understand instagram what
where are all the whores
what where are all the instagram whores all i get is just from the people that
i know
do you want to be following instagram models i want to see them well i'm sure
after this people will
send you loads of links well you have the ones you look at what do you get
these shoes what are those
shoes what about those tits hanging out oh um so this guy he's out bowling
is tania is your iced coffee big enough for you it's a smoothie and it's this
is a regular size
i love you all you guys who drink smoothies to lose weight it's like a giant
chocolate shake i'm
not this is not obviously to lose what i just wanted a nice natural
drink do we need to start again i guess so we're getting up on the wrong so
this guy
goes out to bowl and he's been married 13 years he's got two kids like a 10
year old and a
seven or eight year old or something like that right so they're bowling and
they go up to get some drinks
and said when they went up there that the bartender kind of gave his wife a
weird look
and then when he gave the drinks to her he said hey have a good night mitzi
like knew her name
so they go back over and he goes how the did he know your name and she acted
dumbfounded to the point
of actually pretending to look for a name on her shirt i don't know and then
she just couldn't come up with
the good line she finally just said the night before their wedding she banged
the guy
but hasn't banged anyone since she goes she said her and her friends were
downstairs in the hotel lobby
drinking they all went to bed and the night she snuck down and told the bartender
she wanted one last
bang literally before she got married and went up to the honeymoon suite where
they consummated their
marriage the next night and that guy in that bed oh mitzi you are a dirty dog
and then claimed that she
never did anything like that again i mean that's pretty reptilian cold-blooded
behavior yeah and i like
what's the bartender doing like keep it on the low man like yeah he's an
asshole there you go mitzi and you know and you know he saw the wedding rings
he must like he can't be
cool like he just had to be that guy well so what is he asking what do i do
yeah because she's not
sleeping in the thing and he said the only solution is divorce or i forgive her
in the bedroom but she's
sleeping on the car no he hasn't talked to her in a week other than dealing
with that they
have to talk about which is the kids because he's not ready to and he's saying
that they either they
get divorced or he forgives her but he hasn't told on his friends and family
because he's so embarrassed
i i understand that yeah i mean
you made this whole life with her you have kids with her i don't know is that
really a deal breaker
that's the thing though is she still like messing around that's the thing the
trust is broken so how
do you repair the trust couples therapy yeah that's the only way i mean is she
interested in like may
she was she apologizing profusely was she like i'm so ashamed like i should
never have done it
it was wrong you know i love you so much like i love our family like i'll do
anything to like make
this better because that's that's a hell of a thing to do to do the night
before your marriage
you're getting married in the bed that you then your husband do you believe
that she's never done
it again i don't know i don't i believe it because i feel like women can do
that like do that do you
see what i'm saying how good they are at being pieces of they all cover each
other i think
that women can do that guys can't do that but we can do that yeah all right get
out
you're kicking me out i'm kicking you out i'm not saying that guys can't do
that but yeah i feel like
she's capable of like why would you say that women can do that because i'm
talking about women so why
why would you say that well i feel like some people can do that because i don't
have to use your
language to get like my point across but you just sort of made it just about
women though i just
interesting i'm cross-examining you right now it's kind of fine but you try to
worm your way out of
this no one's trying to worm their way out of anything wriggle yeah keep
drinking your drink
there so my roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he was out of town
she was going to
the bars uh with some of friends and crashing on her brother's bed in place she
invited me out with
her and i said sure i figured she'd make a heck of a wingman and i could hit it
off with one of
her friends unfortunately that wasn't what happened anyways we came back to my
apartment where she was
going to stay in her brother's bed before i knew it one thing led to another
and i was banging her
like before i knew what all of a sudden the clothes fly off and she bends over
it started with some
making out and she was the one who said let's go to your bed before you start
thinking this is going
to turn into the wrong side of a me too story hilarious that he even puts that
in there that
sounded all hashtag me too all right in the morning we both regretted it and
she said it
would probably be best not to tell my roommate and her brother about the
incident unfortunately
she was able to leave and go back to her place five hours away while i have to
see the guy every
single day oh okay i also did it with no condom like a drunken idiot so i've
been freaking out about
stds and pregnancy even though i'm 99 sure i didn't finish and made her get
plan b the next night i'm
pretty sure really extra careful he's probably an accountant major she's not
pregnant i'm pretty
sure she'll never tell him but i'm kind of a and feel like i i'll be plagued
with guilt every time
i hang out with the guy what should i do i'm sort of panicking and have a
weight on my chest for the
last week should i suck it up and go to the grave with this i told a guy a
couple of friends about
this to get it up my conscious and now i'm afraid one of them might let it oh
dude you don't do that
let it slip one of these nights while we're all out drinking should i get ahead
of the story and just
tell them and suffer the consequences or maybe i should stop being a cunt and
worry about people
with actual problems i don't know glad uh you're okay i i would say this i
would say this um
you're like that guy that commits a crime with somebody else and then you're
the guy they have
to whack because you're gonna flip and what you basically did was you flipped
on yourself and you
ratted yourself out to two other people all right so um in the swirl of trash
that's now gonna happen
i bet for upwards of 10 years or maybe never um if you do something like that
and you both agree to
keep your mouth shut that's what you should have done because this isn't just
about you it's also about
his relationship with his sister all right so you're both adults it was consensual
you didn't want it
to happen it happened then you both said that was a mistake nobody's married
here there's no kid
involved i wouldn't have said yeah i think you should just keep the trap shut
and just move
on with your life yeah and you also have to go kill your two friends
you never watched those jfk conspiracies um yeah why'd you tell the other two
guys because
he just felt so guilty about it yeah it's a telltale heart except it's his ball
bag dick throbbing
underneath yeah it's really not it's yeah it's not that big of a deal yeah if
she did turn out to be
pregnant and kept it yes of course you'd have to come clean but you even say go
through with an
abortion without he doesn't need to know no i wasn't gonna say that what are
you talking about as you
said if you got pregnant she got pregnant and decided to keep it then you say
something but if she got
pregnant and didn't want to keep it you don't say no you don't say but she took
the plan b so is this
like it's fine this feels like uh fast times at ridge on high i'm just picturing
judge reinhold
in that big blue car i know but she didn't get an abortion she took a plan b so
it's it's it's fine
sir do you sell stereos um that's for old people would get that joke she banged
that guy who sold
the story oh yeah she's gonna be somebody's baby tonight it's a really creepy
song choice um
oh and he bangs her right on that bench horrible yeah she's such a cutie pie
that when she was that
age jennifer jason lee i like that movie ageism too she's not a cutie pie now
no she's a beautiful
woman now but she was a cutie pie when she was younger when we return there's
nothing there for
you to dig up there's nothing there well that's well that's the age we live in
if there is nothing
here if there's something there or there's nothing there you're still going to
be punished oh you look
extra pretty today oh thanks what'd you do since i left i don't know you got a
bow now yep yeah
gonna hand me a drink and be like how you doing mitzi that's gonna be my code
name now if i do step
out on you i'm going by mitzi you know what nia i'm so old that guy be doing me
a favor oh
bb doesn't have it in him anymore climb on top i'm too old no you're just as
much of a stallion
now as the day i met you ah boy the truth hurts the truth hurts i tell you i'd
rather take a nap at
this point no you would not i would no you you'd rather take a nap than bang me
yeah what yeah oh no
we gotta fix this see how that works everybody that's exactly how it's done you
son of a bitch
all right that's it that's the best lesson i could have taught anybody all
right have a great
fucking week you cunts i'll talk to you on thursday

Bill Burr _ Wife Cheated On Our Wedding Night! [Advice]

all right wife cheated on me night before our wedding oh boy oh boy the next
one is
fucked my roommate's sister jesus christ the fucking animals that listen to
this podcast
um it's almost like i attract them with my own ignorance all right wife cheated
on me night
before our wedding dear billy hot lips my wife and i have been happily married
for 13 years we live in
tulsa oklahoma well not to get selfish here with your extremely painful story
but i'm going to be
in i'm going to be at the brady theater in tulsa oklahoma coming in the next
few months okay
all right where we met at the university of i'm not gonna say the university
okay
that we have two children ages 10 and 7 and have a really comfortable life
together the other night
i took my wife out for a date night dinner and bowling the bowling sounds lame
but remember it's
tulsa dude bowling is the shit uh you get in a league it's fucking awesome
anyways my wife and i went up
to the bar at the bowling alley and when the bartender saw her he gave her a
weird look sort of like
haven't i met you before after taking our order he came back with drinks and
said enjoy mitzi i was
shocked when he knew her name and i gave my wife a puzzled look we took the
drinks and went back to
our lane and i asked her how he could know her name she said she has no idea
and checked her shirt as if
for some reason she was wearing a name tag after a few minutes when she couldn't
think of an excuse or
a lie she dropped a bomb on me she told me that he was the bartender from the
hotel where we had our
wedding reception she said the night before our wedding after our rehearsal
dinner her and her
bridesmaids went to the hotel to sleep and stopped at the lobby bar for a
couple of drinks everyone then
went up to bed but my wife ah good friends but oh everyone went to belmont but
my wife snuck down to
go talk to the bartender oh wait a minute my apologies to her friends she told
him that she's getting
married tomorrow but once one more night with another man before giving herself
to me so she took him
up to the honeymoon suite and had sex with them which by the way is the same
bed that we consummated
her marriage in the next night oh god
she told me she was never going to tell me because it meant nothing more than
her wanting
to end her single life with a bang not a whimper literally a bang she claims
she has never had
doubts about us and that she is sorry that i found out but she doesn't regret
the cheating because it
assured her that she had found the guy who she wants to be with forever yeah
buddy you try the same
thing and then tell her that hey it meant nothing and when i was banging her i
was like you know what
yeah yeah i am with the right broad after hearing this i asked if she had
cheated since we've been
married and she said no which i believe we left the bowling alley and drove
home in bitter silence
i'm not spoken to her in about a week now other than when it pertains to the
kids and other important
matters she's been sleeping in the guest room because she knows i don't want to
be around her however i know i
need to confront her about this but i am unsure how to go about it i think the
only scenarios are divorce
or basically accepting and forgiving neither of which i want to do at this
moment which is you're
right i'm not telling any of my family or friends about this because i'm
embarrassed
so i'm hoping you can give advice love the podcast and go yourself i'd tell her
exactly what you just told me
just say that the only two possible scenarios here are divorce or me accepting
and forgiving
but i'm not ready to do either one at this moment okay and you're gonna have to
accept that and my
mood around you because of your actions all right and by the way i'm not
telling any of my family and
friends about this because i'm so embarrassed okay and um then i would
recommend going to some sort of
couples therapy because that is a mind beyond um any of my bar room advice but
uh you seem pretty well
emotionally where you know exactly what you're feeling and why you're feeling
it i would just communicate it
to her um and she better not pull this of like see you're just not going to
talk to me forever make
it about herself um i don't know i think the only way how do you stay out i
mean you got to stay because
the kids are there which is such a situation and then um
all right the positive side is she actually owned up to it
negative she waited 13 years and two kids all right let's not do the positive
and negative because i
feel like uh once this is going to be like a bad super bowl here um yeah i don't
know what is the
solution you get to somebody um i don't know and it sounds to me like you didn't
even want to do that
so that's not gonna be a solution i don't know i would get professional help
when you're ready to sit down and talk about it uh
listen it'd be one thing if you were fucking early on in your goddamn
relationship
but you were getting married the next day and then
fucked in the own guy you know that in in literally that bed i have to be
honest with you man
that's pretty hardcore that's like guy level piece of behavior um although
women are totally
capable of it that's just that that's not their mo because they're so good at
being pieces of that
everybody thinks they're not we're guys we just constantly get caught with
their pants down
oh you said you're gonna be home later that's your excuse well i mean aren't
you also being dishonest
all right fucked my roommate's sister oh boy all right dear billy burnicles i
fucked my roommate's
sister and i now need your help my roommate's sister that's the only i can get
through these because
these are so fucking sad my roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he
was out of town uh she
was going to the bars with some friends and crashing on her brother's bed my
place or what have you
she invited me out with her and i said fuck yeah i'm paraphrasing on this you
know she is pretty much
our same age mid-20s as i hung out a lot of our with you know and it has hung
out a lot with our group
of friends and i've known her for five years now and consider her a friend
outside of just my friend's
sister this is how i justify what the i did at the end of this letter uh so i
figured what the hell
maybe she could be a good wingman i could hit it off with one of her friends
unfortunately that
wasn't what happened hey nia just walked in nia this guy just found out
he went he was at a bowling alley he's in a bowling league with his wife or
whatever they're out
bowling can i just ask a question was that your attempt at a southern accent or
what was that that
you were just doing oh it's because these are so sad i just have to do it in a
silly accent because
i don't hear it yeah was that a bad accent yeah no it isn't that's a funny
accent okay i mean yeah
funny i'm not trying to like be like legitimately jesus christ i came in making
fun of you yeah yeah i did hi
criticism it never ends what's uh that's your idea of a uh yeah i'm giving you
okay i just seem
like in the podcast why are you being so sensitive because it sounded like you
were serious oh see
now you're on instagram you're gonna get all like weird about stuff man i don't
even know what that
i i tell you right now i can't even i don't even understand instagram what
where are all the whores
what where are all the instagram whores all i get is just from the people that
i know
do you want to be following instagram models i want to see them well i'm sure
after this people will
send you loads of links well you have the ones you look at what do you get
these shoes what are those
shoes what about those tits hanging out oh um so this guy he's out bowling
is tania is your iced coffee big enough for you it's a smoothie and it's this
is a regular size
i love you all you guys who drink smoothies to lose weight it's like a giant
chocolate shake i'm
not this is not obviously to lose what i just wanted a nice natural
drink do we need to start again i guess so we're getting up on the wrong so
this guy
goes out to bowl and he's been married 13 years he's got two kids like a 10
year old and a
seven or eight year old or something like that right so they're bowling and
they go up to get some drinks
and said when they went up there that the bartender kind of gave his wife a
weird look
and then when he gave the drinks to her he said hey have a good night mitzi
like knew her name
so they go back over and he goes how the did he know your name and she acted
dumbfounded to the point
of actually pretending to look for a name on her shirt i don't know and then
she just couldn't come up with
the good line she finally just said the night before their wedding she banged
the guy
but hasn't banged anyone since she goes she said her and her friends were
downstairs in the hotel lobby
drinking they all went to bed and the night she snuck down and told the bartender
she wanted one last
bang literally before she got married and went up to the honeymoon suite where
they consummated their
marriage the next night and that guy in that bed oh mitzi you are a dirty dog
and then claimed that she
never did anything like that again i mean that's pretty reptilian cold-blooded
behavior yeah and i like
what's the bartender doing like keep it on the low man like yeah he's an
asshole there you go mitzi and you know and you know he saw the wedding rings
he must like he can't be
cool like he just had to be that guy well so what is he asking what do i do
yeah because she's not
sleeping in the thing and he said the only solution is divorce or i forgive her
in the bedroom but she's
sleeping on the car no he hasn't talked to her in a week other than dealing
with that they
have to talk about which is the kids because he's not ready to and he's saying
that they either they
get divorced or he forgives her but he hasn't told on his friends and family
because he's so embarrassed
i i understand that yeah i mean
you made this whole life with her you have kids with her i don't know is that
really a deal breaker
that's the thing though is she still like messing around that's the thing the
trust is broken so how
do you repair the trust couples therapy yeah that's the only way i mean is she
interested in like may
she was she apologizing profusely was she like i'm so ashamed like i should
never have done it
it was wrong you know i love you so much like i love our family like i'll do
anything to like make
this better because that's that's a hell of a thing to do to do the night
before your marriage
you're getting married in the bed that you then your husband do you believe
that she's never done
it again i don't know i don't i believe it because i feel like women can do
that like do that do you
see what i'm saying how good they are at being pieces of they all cover each
other i think
that women can do that guys can't do that but we can do that yeah all right get
out
you're kicking me out i'm kicking you out i'm not saying that guys can't do
that but yeah i feel like
she's capable of like why would you say that women can do that because i'm
talking about women so why
why would you say that well i feel like some people can do that because i don't
have to use your
language to get like my point across but you just sort of made it just about
women though i just
interesting i'm cross-examining you right now it's kind of fine but you try to
worm your way out of
this no one's trying to worm their way out of anything wriggle yeah keep
drinking your drink
there so my roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he was out of town
she was going to
the bars uh with some of friends and crashing on her brother's bed in place she
invited me out with
her and i said sure i figured she'd make a heck of a wingman and i could hit it
off with one of
her friends unfortunately that wasn't what happened anyways we came back to my
apartment where she was
going to stay in her brother's bed before i knew it one thing led to another
and i was ba