Name: Bill Burr's Life Advice (part 2)
Uploaded: 2022-09-09T13:49:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Life Advice (part 2)' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Life Advice (part 2)' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-09. Transcript available.

Bill Burr's Life Advice (part 2)

27-year-old virgin.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, Billy, I'd love to hear your humorous take on my pathetic situation.
First of all, dude, let's work on your self-esteem.
All right, you're already shitting all over yourself.
All right, watch this guy.
Watch him shit all over himself.
I'm a 27-year-old virgin.
Oh, Jesus.
That's what he wrote.
Now, your first question is going to be, how the fuck did that happen?
Well, to protect myself, I'd actually prefer to keep my background as quiet as
possible.
Hey, I'm not trying to get you to rat yourself out.
Here's what I can say.
I come from a rich town inhabited by obnoxious cunts.
I was always the weird kid and very socially awkward.
People hated me no matter how nice I was.
Jesus Christ, dude, are you like a superhero?
That's like the exact same background of like every fucking superhero movie,
isn't it?
It's probably because nerds write those movies.
Because they know how to fight.
And all of a sudden, they're like, what if I knew how to fight?
What if I could fly?
What if there was a guy who could save me?
And then they draw it.
And then nerds line up around the block to go see it.
Dude, did you see the new Spider-Man?
Yes, it's exactly like the other ones.
I was always the weird kid and very socially awkward.
People hated me no matter how nice I was.
And eventually, I came to hate myself and still do.
I called it.
Dude, I fucking called it.
He's shitting all over himself.
Eventually, it was discovered that I most likely have a mild case of Asperger's
syndrome,
which is a mild form of autism, which is way out of my league.
Are you guys trying to make me look dumb?
I thought I did that.
I achieve that by how awful I read out loud.
Here we go.
That causes social ineptitude and quirky personality traits.
Well, I would go find a hooker with Asperger's.
That's the first thing I would do.
And get the fucking V off my back.
Definitely wear a condom.
See, that's where my advice is going to be coming from.
You guys have some weird conversation in some ironic vehicle.
At least discovering this made me more of self-aware.
And I've been able to clean up my act over the last few years.
But I still have a lot of social anxiety and shyness and very few friends.
On the flip side, I'm actually pretty decent looking.
I have a decent job in a laboratory.
He's a fucking...
This guy, he's going to get bit by something, radioactive, and he's going to
become a superhero.
And I'm a certified commercial pilot and do volunteer work.
Dude, like...
You know something?
If I was in the FBI, like so many fucking red flags just went up there.
Okay, that's the setup now.
Now for the question.
First, what the fuck would you do if you were in my situation?
I told you.
I'd get a hooker with Asperger's syndrome.
And you guys could just bond over that.
I don't know.
Let me read all your questions.
I'm obviously kidding about trying to find a hooker with Asperger's syndrome,
all right?
You couldn't find one.
That would be like a needle in a haystack.
What you'd have to do is go to an escort service and request that personally.
I would think.
I'm looking for 36, 24, 36 with Asperger.
Hair color does not matter.
Yes, I can hold.
Next, if eventually I ever do make it anywhere with a chick, should I tell her
up front about
my status?
I had this conversation a few weeks ago with a friend who has a lot of romantic
experience,
and she said it would be extremely obvious that I'm new to the game and that
withholding
that information could itself be detrimental.
But I also know that if I do tell a chick I'm 27-year-old and virgin, she will
demand an explanation
before going any further and it will send up red flags for the most.
What do you do, Bill?
Thanks for doing your awesome podcast and go fuck yourself.
All right, this is what I would do.
I would just start hitting on every chick that fucking interests me and I would
be just totally
honest.
Tell her what your situation is and, you know, if she doesn't accept it, then
fuck her.
Let her walk.
And then you don't have to deal with any of the bullshit.
You just fast forward it through a three-year fucking horrific relationship.
I would just be up front with people.
I wouldn't open it with, hey, you have beautiful eyes and I have Asperger.
I wouldn't do that, you know.
I would work on my self-esteem.
I wouldn't talk shit.
You just shit on yourself right out of the gate.
I mean, obviously, I knew you were going to do that when you said you were a 27-year-old
virgin and you're probably going to go that route.
But think good thoughts about yourself, man.
I know that's kind of, like, simple, but, you know, you got to, like, you got
to amp
yourself up a little bit.
Go out there and, you know, you don't have to go find the chick of your dreams,
but just
go out.
You don't got to tell some girl you got fucking Asperger's syndrome.
You don't.
Why don't you just do that with somebody that you're really interested in?
But if you just want to go out and get laid, just go out there, start hitting
on chicks,
turn it into a game.
So you don't have to deal with the pain of the rejection.
Just be like, all right, I don't have the balls to take the next step.
Whatever that step is, peeling yourself off the fucking wall, striking up a
conversation,
just saying hello to a pretty girl as she walks down the street.
Just try to get over that fucking hurdle and give yourself permission to suck.
And you just, you gradually build it up.
It's like learning how to play guitar.
You're not going to pick it up and immediately be able to play all your songs.
You learn a couple of fucking chords.
You know, then your fingers hurt, right?
And you get frustrated.
But you keep coming back and eventually you can fucking play.
Pussy is no different.
That's what I would do.
Put the Asperger on the back burner.
Who knows, dude?
Maybe you're not as fucked up as you think you are socially.
You know what I mean?
Maybe you got a sense of humor under there.
I think you do.
You shit on yourself in a funny way.
You know, spin it around that way.
Do you have any interests?
Go to a fucking, I don't know, whatever.
You know, you fly kites.
Go to some flying the kite convention.
There's got to be some woman there who also likes kites.
I know that was an overly simplified thing.
But that's what I would do.
All right?
And then when you go to, like, hook up with somebody, you know, tell them.
If you don't know what you're doing, do watch a couple of fucking pornos.
You know, you'll get the idea.
Actually, no, don't do that.
Don't do that because then you'll fucking start slapping them around you.
Don't do that.
I don't know what to tell you, dude.
Buy some books.
There you go.
Buy some books in that part of the bookstore that, you know, if bookstores
exist anymore.
Go online.
There's got to be plenty of information.
I bet if you literally looked up finger-banging technique, if you looked how to
kiss, I bet there's just going to be reams of fucking information.
I've never done that because I never had to.
Oh!
Just kidding.
Of course I had to.
You think that I didn't wish that fucking information was around?
Way back in the day when you had no idea, you just practiced kissing your
fucking pillow and tried to overhear conversations in the fucking high school
cafeteria and tried to figure out what people were talking about?
That's all I could do.
You have the whole world at your fingertips, you know?
So when you're done in the laboratory working with radioactive shit before you
get bit by something, you know, why don't you go out and get laid?
Before you learn how to fly.
All right?
All right.
Depressed dude.
A billy cunt!
Exclamation point.
I've been listening to your podcast for years.
Your deranged, psychopathic perspective reminds me I'm not the only one shaking
ladders.
I don't know what that means.
Is this guy from Boston?
I've been listening to the podcast for years.
Your deranged, psychopathic perspective reminds me I'm not the only one shaking
ladders, kid.
Nah, it still isn't something.
Even if in the accent.
Shaking ladders.
I don't know what that means.
Anyways, I got a problem.
You know, I was in Boston all last week, so the Boston accent kind of came back.
The old, uh, you know, I got a problem.
Instead of saying that, uh, get a job, get a job.
Do it easy, get a job.
And for those of you working on your Boston accents, J-O-B, just say like jaw,
like I'm
going to punch you in the jaw, and then B, jaw up.
Got to get a fucking jaw up.
You know what kills me right now is like fucking 200 of you right now, just muttering
to yourself,
get a fucking jaw up in your cubicle.
Um, freaking out your co-workers, just mumbling.
Get a fucking job.
You fucking cock sucking.
Um, I got a problem.
For years now, I've been trapped in my KFC and wet wipes.
Okay, that's disgusting.
I used to be a bodybuilder, an actor, and a comedian with fucking prospects
right in front
of me.
But then adulthood raped me in the eyes.
Oh, Jesus.
Could you be more dramatic?
It sounds like that fucking chick from, uh...
Sex in the city.
Uh, crazy broad broke my heart.
I had...
This is the guy again.
Crazy broad broke my heart.
I had to cut away old friends and family shutting me out of their smiles.
All right, dude.
This is like getting creepier with each sentence.
If you don't bring this around in like two sentences, I'm going to abandon this.
I had to cut away from old friends and family shutting me out of their smiles.
Dude, what did you do that your friends and family decided they didn't want to
be around
you?
Uh, anyways, I don't feel sorry for myself or want any pity.
Uh, I just...
You're not going to get any.
So good.
I'm glad you don't.
He goes, I just want to know how to get out of this never-ending routine of
demise.
Well, first of all, I would stop using those goth death metal words.
You know, demise.
What else you got in here?
Adult rape me in the eyes.
These are like song lyrics.
You know?
Depressed dude.
What would be the name of this?
Trapped by KFC and wet wipes.
Right?
It sounds like I can't sing like that.
Rape me in the eyes.
This routine of demise.
All these fucking kids getting like whip, fucking whiplash.
Um, I work too much in a job that was supposed to pay for my comedy career when
I don't work.
I, uh, I was supposed to pay for my comedy career when I, when I don't work.
Uh, I sleep or, well, when I don't work, I sleep or watch endless DVDs.
I'm 24 years old.
Uh, what the fuck?
This reads like you're 56, dude.
He goes, I'm tired all the time from all the hating of the world.
And my body just won't listen to the screaming frustration in my soul.
Dude, you listen to like, you listen to progressive metal.
I'm guessing by the words you use here.
Uh, either you play Dungeons and Dragons.
I'm really not helping your depression by shitting on you through all of this.
Um, don't worry.
I'm going to give you some sunshine here in the end here.
So I, it's, I sometimes get a spark of motivation to get back in shape and just,
and start writing
script, but it only lasts for a day or two at the most.
Yeah, exactly.
And then, and then the work comes and you have to keep going.
And that's what separates the people in life who fucking work and, and make it.
And those who don't, you know, everything's fun for a couple of fucking days.
I'm going to get shredded.
I'm going to join a boxing gym.
I'm going to look like I'm going to fight in a title fight.
You go down there, you skip rope.
I'm going to get abs.
You're doing all the fucking shit.
And two days in, you know, after two days you, you, you get tired.
All right.
And that's where you need the discipline to get up and go over there.
Even though you don't want to, you know, people who've written Oscar winning
scripts, I bet
they don't like fucking doing it on, on a certain level, but they keep going.
So I would just tell you to keep fucking going.
Anyways, let me read the rest of this overly dramatic shit.
I've lost all faith in the world, have nothing to fig