Name: Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Conspiracy Theories
Uploaded: 2025-02-22T04:49:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Conspiracy Theories' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Conspiracy Theories' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-22. Transcript available.

Fall Asleep to Bill Burr's Conspiracy Theories

dude if i was a banker and i was a piece of shit banker i would be so fucking
paranoid
that someone was gonna whack me for all the misery and suffering that i fucking
you know
that i've been causing the fact that i turn a fucking pond into my own jacuzzi
right i can
park my yacht in my fucking jacuzzi and i just sit there you know eating
fucking crab legs and
caviar every fucking day standing on fucking dead babies heads there's no
fucking way i would ever
get in a fucking town car there's no way there's no way i would have whoever my
fredo of my litter of
kids whoever the fredo was that was to be the guy that i had driving the car
although in the godfather
he was looking out for marlon brando and then i he got shot right so i don't
fucking know
anyways oh you know i read some actually some really interesting shit about how
iceland beat the
bankers when iceland went bankrupt and then the bankers tried to pull this shit
where yeah we
were greedy cunts and now we're putting the debt on you and your taxpayers they
said you know what
fuck you this isn't our debt this is our mess it's yours and then all these
fucking sellout cunts like
fucking amsterdam and britain put all this pressure on fucking iceland because
they pussied out with the
bankers they've been on their knees sucking that banker cock for fucking ever
they tried to fucking
get them to come along they tried to pressure them and i oh you know or else we'll
turn you into the
cuba of the north and they said fuck you we're not doing it and you know what
that's what this country
should have done this country should have told those banker fucking cunts i i i
just i'm beside myself
that it isn't brought up more you know it's the whole thing like i have water
damage to my house
my insurance company sends a check that's made out to me uh nia and and then my
mortgage company
and i have to we have to sign the check over to them so they keep the money and
you know why that is
because they fucked so many people so fucking hard in the ass so many people
are upside down in houses
because of the bullshit that they created by making people who aren't qualified
for loans qualified
so instead of having five people bid on a house you got 10 people bidding on it
it goes up like super
bowl tickets right and all of a sudden a house that's really worth a buck 80
sells for 270 so you got
these cunts everybody's fucking upside down in the house they're like well fuck
it i'm keeping this
money and then when they foreclose on it they fucking come in and they're like
fuck they never fixed the
roof so now i have to sign over my goddamn money it's my money it's my
insurance that's my insurance
money i have to send it in to them you know why because people it's not my
house it's their fucking
house it's theirs all right and if i ever pay this fucker off which you know i'm
gonna i drive off i
drive a six-year-old hybrid all right i don't give a fuck i fucking i dress
like malcolm young because i'm
getting these cunts out of my life and this is what's gonna happen i'm gonna
pay off this fucking house
and you think when i die i can i can just give it to somebody else it's my
house right
if i i can fucking give away all my other shit why can't i give the house the
house is gonna have all
taxes and all these penalties and all this bullshit and whoever i fucking leave
it to is gonna make you
know what it's just gonna be easy to sell it and then they sell it and whatever
money they make they
get the shit taxed out of them they get half a dick in their ass and then
somebody else buys this
thing and then that the bank goes balls deep in them for another fucking 30
years
you know what halfway through that i realized am i sounding crazy or am i
making sense
i don't know i talked to a banker in a titty bar he agreed with everything i
said
i've been watching a bunch of shit on uh on netflix i'm big on the uh i like
documentaries
you know and i watched one and a half last night before i fell asleep i watched
this thing called
the queen of versailles which you have to you have to see and it's basically
about this guy 75 years
old 75 years old he married miss florida in 1993 so he's fucking balling has
seven kids with her
right and he's got this he sells timeshares you know which you know is really a
shady fucking business
you know hey i mean i don't i don't know what is it the fucking timeshare
it's it's it's a it's a fucking overpriced hotel room isn't it
i mean i i don't know what am i buying if i spend all that money i don't want
to be laying in a bed
that somebody else has been fucking in i want a brand new bed okay that's that's
deal number one
because other than that i can go lay in a bed that everybody else fucked in all
year long it's called
a hotel right but this guy had basically had was the biggest timeshare company
um in the world
according to him and uh and he was in the middle of building the biggest house
in america and it had
10 kitchens there's fucking nine people in their family they have one more
kitchen than they have
people in their family all right you have to watch just to see them i mean it's
not finished yet because
in 2008 they got caught up in all the banker shit and um but you just have to
see when his wife walks in
with their friend and when they walk up these stairs i'm telling you these
fucking stairs are
are wider than the stairs at grand central station in new york city
they go upstairs and the the fucking friend of the miss miss 1993 florida goes
is like you know
because they haven't like put the walls up it's just the uh the framing of it
she goes oh my god
she goes is that your bedroom and she goes no it's my closet it's
but if you really want to okay now a lot of people will watch the queen of
versailles and go look at
these two selfish fucking people and all the waste and all that apps are
fucking loofy loofy that's on the
fucking surface but underneath all of it you you see a guy who doesn't want to
declare bankruptcy
and put that money on the american people and wants to fight his way out of it
and the bankers won't do
it like he had a building out in fucking vegas he he put 350 million of his own
fucking money in
and now he can't make the payments so he wants the bankers to try and you know
give him some of the
bailout money and they kept all of it because this is the thing if he fucking
if they get him to default
on that they get to keep his 350 million and sell the fucking building all over
again
um you know and obviously this guy he got overextended he made the mistake of
not realizing
you know what bankers are and what it is that they do they're not your friends
they're not trying to
help you grow your fucking business they're trying to make every fucking dime
off you as they can
and when it's over you bust the joint out
i just started thinking about the the fucking uh goodfellas well they start
burning it down but
rather than burning the place down they fucking did you that the ray liota and
fucking joe pesci are
fucking tying those little candle things to you trying to bang this fucking juke
rod over here you can't
help me out what's the world coming to um and then you burn to the ground that's
it but the building's still
standing and then they get some other group to go in there and then they fuck
them in the ass i'm telling you
i'm telling you we should all as civilians remember the ending of scarface when
they were coming over the wall
that's what we should be doing right now in gated communities going to bankers
fucking houses
we should be dragging them dragging them out by the tassels of their fucking
wingtips
new house dearest billy boy keeping it short and sweet due to your undying
hatred for reading out loud
i actually don't mind it i just i hate sounding stupid
uh my fiancee and i are moving into our first house on friday any last minute
advice
yes um well it's too late you already bought a fucking house my first thing
would be drive less of a car
wear less clothes everything less and start knocking out the principal all
right you got to start knocking
that fucking thing down um and when they then once you knock it down to a
certain point then they're
going to come at you and be like hey do you want to refinance you want to refinance
look your mortgage
payment will go from 1500 down to 1200 that'll save you 300 bucks a month that's
all a fucking scam
okay do you really think there's somebody who works at the bank and his job and
he's sitting there
going how can this bank make less money oh i know what i mean how long would
that guy work there before
he got fired it's a scam because what happens is if you're like four or five
years into your mortgage
they're going to refinance it and your payment doesn't go down 300 bucks and
you're
still five years in it starts back at zero all right now you have that payment
for 30 years and
you're starting all fucking over again so the 300 bucks that you're saving each
month they're making
more in the fucking interest in the long run because they sent you back to
square one it's all the
fucking scam i'm telling you go to the gated communities and go over the
fucking wall
um don't really do that all right i don't want to be held responsible for that
um
these are all jokes wink wink nudge nudge um oh here's a nice creepy thing it's
really not a nice
creepy thing it's just sort of a fucking creepy thing so we rented this car
when we drove up from calgary
to uh drove up to edmonton from calgary and we had the thing actually picked it
up at the airport
and um yeah we were driving over to the casino that's what it was driving over
to casino and i
find i just look on the dashboard i'm like what the fuck is that what is that
on the deck i'm like is
that a camera i think it was a camera and i think it was pointed at us because
there was nothing in the
front i don't know if it was the gps antenna i don't know what the fuck it was
but it was really
creepy so i of course threw a fucking newspaper over the goddamn thing and um
when i got back to
the hotel i looked up about cars and cameras and i found this article here it
says is your rental car
company spying on you and you're driving here's how they do it all right rental
car giant hertz has
admitted it is it has cameras installed in about one in eight of its cars in
the united states but
those cameras built into hertz's never lost dashboard assistant that offers
routing help and local city
guides have never been turned on give me a fucking really you spent all that
money and you never turn
them on you lying cunts hertz has said loudly and repeatedly they've never
turned them on understand
that never lost six was launched by hertz in early 2014 the product has been
out there for over a year
and only now is it causing flap probably because most renters began noticing a
creepy camera pointed at
them um understand too there are excellent reasons to worry about car rental
companies spy uh companies
spying on drivers um but very probably never lost six is not one of them hertz
said his last it has it
lacked the bandwidth to use the cameras anyway but has been so scorched but it's
scorched so severely in
the media flap of the past week said industry experts indicated that hertz now
would be just about the last
company to spy on its customers does any of that make any sense that you put a
camera in there
and then you wouldn't use it you'd install a camera and oh we're just a little
mom and pop place we don't have
the fucking bandwidth for it some of this shit's funny they actually find some
people like
hundreds sometimes thousands of dollars using this shit and basically you know
when you rent a car
and they go okay you got to stay in the tri-state area or you're not leaving
california right
some fucking guy he ended up he left california went to nevada and then arizona
and then they gave him
a uh i don't know where the fuck it was he was slapped with a bill of three
thousand four hundred
five dollars and five cents by adding one dolla