Name: Bill Burr Arnold Schwarzenegger es absolutament
Uploaded: 2025-03-21T01:18:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Arnold Schwarzenegger es absolutament' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Arnold Schwarzenegger es absolutament' from BURR'S FANDOM on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-21. Transcript available.

If you're having problems going to the gym, I have a solution.
There's a documentary on Netflix.
I was watching that Arnold Schwarzenegger documentary.
And, oh my God.
Episode two of that thing was one of the funniest stories.
He went from a bodybuilder, he wants to be an actor.
And somehow, he starts buying real estate because he heard it was a good
investment.
He was like, I became a millionaire before I even, you know, tried to act.
So then I didn't have to do the parts.
You know, my agents, they wanted me to do smaller parts, be a character actor.
I want to be the star. I want to be the lead, right?
That was his attitude.
And everyone was telling me he was too big and he had an accent.
So he somehow gets a meeting with this guy who's made like 500 movies.
He walks in there with his agent.
And I guess the guy was a little fella and he had this giant desk.
Schwarzenegger assesses that.
And then to start the meeting, he goes,
Why does a little man need such a big desk?
The fucking dude lost his mind.
The little guy got all mad.
And he starts, yeah, fuck you.
I'm not going to use you.
I cannot use you.
You know, he's Italian, right?
Off the boat.
He goes, I cannot use you.
He goes, you have an accent.
And Schwarzenegger goes, you have an accent too.
He fucking threw him out of his office.
He goes, he was walking out of his office and his fucking agent was yelling at
him.
I'm going, that meeting was a minute, 45 seconds.
In the history of Hollywood, there's never been a faster meeting.
I got to tell you something, man.
The fucking, the brains and the balls on that guy.
I mean, I've thought about, I thought, I have not stopped thinking about that.
How he went in there and just, just like, the power that that guy had.
It's all, it's all dependent on the person he's talking to giving a fuck.
And the fact that Schwarzenegger did not give a fuck, the floor went out from
underneath this little guy and he didn't know what to do.
I'm sure he tried to fucking stop, stop him from, long story short is the guy
ended up producing Conan the Barbarian and Schwarzenegger was up for the role
and he didn't want him to get the role and Schwarzenegger killed it.
He still got it.
So the little fella comes down to the set on one of the days and he watches
Schwarzenegger and Schwarzenegger is killing it.
And he said, he walked all the way up the hill up to me and he just looked at
me and he said, you are Conan the Barbarian.
And he walked away.
And I was thinking, yeah, I know I am.
I have the role.
Dude, that fucking ice cold logic.
All right.
The only time I ever heard it like that was when I was in Finland.
There's something you get into a part of fucking Europe.
I don't know what the background is for that mindset, but it is astounding when
you run into it.
Just fucking straight facts or whatever.
But just like I got such it was so inspiring because I've seen a ton of people
pretending like they don't give a fuck.
But like to believe in yourself.
To that level.
I don't even know what I think.
Well, maybe he just went in there and he was so competitive.
That he was actually like legitimately asking.
Why does a little guy need such a big desk?
Like he was trying to figure him out.
Like, what are you doing?
You know, with your little socks and shoes over there and your little pants.
Like, why do you need this big fucking desk?
Did it like intrigue him?
It's going to torture me for the rest of my life.
Was he was he straight up fucking with the guy or was he did it not add up?
You know, like a cop on the beat for fucking 25 years.
It just doesn't make sense.
Doesn't add up.
And he started, you know, Columbo.
He comes back.
You know, it's just one more thing.
Why?
Why is there a as a little fellow?
Why you got such a big desk?
And then when the guy got mad, he didn't even flinch.
And fucking beat him in point counterpoint.
It was just I'm telling you.
You got to watch the thing.
I remember everybody used to make fun of him, too, when he would drive around
in the Hummers.
None of us knew that he was in the army in Austria and was a tank driver.
Used to drive around in a tank with a fucking cigar hanging out of his mouth.
I mean, the guy is just like, I don't even know what.
It's unreal.
You become like you just just watch the fucking thing.
After the strike.
After the strike.
Am I actually I'm not allowed to promote any projects, but I'm not in that one.
But I will tell you, I watched that fucking thing and it's like, all right.
I'm not going to get on a fucking elliptical tomorrow.
I throw the weights around a little bit, you know, I finally given into my age.
I just take low weight and I just do high reps.
I work all the muscle groups.
I have a picture in my mind that I'm willing my body.
I just have his fucking voice in my head.
I have to watch that episode again.
Do you know when somebody just does something so cool like you wished you did
it?
You know?
And then you start fantasizing that you actually did it.
That shit was so fucking cool.
I wish I did it, but I can't I can't even trick my own mind.
And thinking that I would ever do something that is cool as that.
Guys, a immigrant.
Brutal accent could barely speak the fucking language and goes in there and
just fucking pants.
Deep pants is this fucking guy.
I would have given anything in the world after he said that to see that little
guy's face and his fucking agent.
His agent trying to say because his agent wasn't just worried about his client
there.
He was like, this motherfucker is not going to meet any of my clients after
this one.
And I'm not going to lie to you.
That reminds me of a buddy of mine, a comedian.
Pitched a show at fucking CBS a long fucking time ago.
And CBS was a notoriously cold room.
And he went in there and it was funny.
They were being assholes and he was an asshole and he couldn't handle basically
meeting himself.
And he fucking imploded and just verbally abused all of them and fucking walked
out to the point.
I was managed by the same guy and we had to beg them to let me come in there so
I could go in there.
And I fucking, I didn't curse him out or anything.
I just sat, I put on my top hat and cane and did my little dance and they just
fucking stared at me.
It was one of those pitch meetings.
You just, you had to like, you didn't even have to walk it off.
It was just so bad.
You went out to the parking lot and just laughed.
Like, it's like, all right.
It didn't even hurt because there was, you could feel there was no hope even
just walking in there.
So, and that happened to me a lot.
So, just seeing Schwarzenegger go walking in on one of his first ones and to
fucking ask that question.
Oh my God.
It's just like poetry.
Absolute poetry.
Anyway, I was really fucking excited about how those sets went this weekend and
I kind of have more material than I know what to do with.
Which is not a feeling I've had in a while.
So, um, I mean, I even have a handjob joke that I didn't even fucking do.
Oh, speaking of which, look at, hang on a second.
That's funny.
I put you guys on hold.
That was my agent calling me.
Who I was like cursing out to myself when I was standing outside about ready to
do that fucking show in the park.
And what am I, fucking Paul Simon?
The fuck is he booking me this shit out here?
Is Garfunkel going on in front of me?
What the fuck are we doing?
Am I sharing the bill with Peter, Paul, and Mary there?
And then I went up and it was awesome.
So, I'm going to tell him when he calls me back.
Because he did the classic.
I pick up the phone, hello, and he goes, ah, shit, can I call you right back?
All right.
Um, anyway.
So, if you get a chance, if you get a chance, um, and then I have to be, I'm
not going to lie to you, man.
The stuff about his brother, Arnold's brother, is absolutely fucking
heartbreaking.
And it's the kind of story that, like, uh, I mean, I just, like, people not
understanding, like, sensitive kids, um, is just fucking one of the most
heartbreaking things you could ever fucking witness or hear about.
And, uh, I don't know what it is about sensitive kids.
I think they're, they're viewed as weak.
And, and back in the day, I think, like, parents had, like, this, like, they
took on, took it on and felt like, you know, I don't have weak kids.
I have strong sperm.
I just make fucking warriors.
And they don't realize that there's all these different ways of being strong.
Oh, God.
There's a couple of stories that Arnold tells, man.
Oh, my God.
They're fucking heartbreaking.
But it's an incredible.
Oh, God.
I would, I, I would kill to listen to any of those tapes.
Hey, Arnold, we're gonna, we'll get you some small roles and, uh, you know, uh,
do some character actor stuff.
That's how we're gonna, and he's like, fucking bullshit.
I'm doing those stupid fucking parts.
I want to be the star.
And then listening to this guy, going like, how the fuck am I gonna make you a
star when you talk like that?
I'm not gonna say shit to you.
Your fucking bicep is bigger than my head.
I mean, that must have been the, like, somebody says it in the documentary.
Says he has the most incredible career of anybody ever.
I mean, I, as far as, like, where he came from, what he sounded like, and what
he ended up doing, it's just fucking, it blows.
I know.
I'm going on and on about it.
We get it, Bill.
We get it.