Name: Norm on Albert Fish The Most Viscous Child Slayer
Uploaded: 2021-10-15T08:36:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm on Albert Fish The Most Viscous Child Slayer' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm on Albert Fish The Most Viscous Child Slayer' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-15. Transcript available.

Former First Lady Betty Ford would have been a sober 95, I like to think, today,
if she was alive.
And Albert Fish was born on this day in New York City in 1870.
Do you know the obituaries is concerning me?
I'm a little worried because people are dying in alphabetical order.
Who the fuck is Albert Fish?
What?
Who the fuck is Albert Fish?
Oh, Albert Fish?
I've never heard of that guy.
He was known as the Gray Man.
The Gray Man?
The Gray Man, the werewolf of wisteria.
You know why he was known as the Gray Man?
Because when they, he was a serial killer.
He killed, he slayed children and ate them.
He was a cannibal.
But when they, the police asked a woman to describe him,
and she said he was gray in both appearances and demeanor.
Very bad description for the police.
This is like Arsenio when it was, ooh.
Yeah, ooh.
I'm pretending I know who Albert Gray is.
I didn't.
No, no, Albert Fish.
Oh.
You're a New Yorker.
So, anyways, he was a child rapist and cannibal, as I explained.
When he says child rapist, you try not to laugh when he looks at you.
Oh, come on, man.
It's not funny.
I know it's not.
But I know you want people to laugh.
But Fish boasted that he had children in every state.
Now, I would not boast about that.
I don't think you would.
I don't think you'd do it.
But if you did do it, you certainly wouldn't boast about it.
Not at all.
You'd take that to the grave with you.
But he boasted.
They say they eventually all sing like a canary.
They do say that?
About murder, as well.
Yeah, they all, they brag to a friend.
All right, yeah.
When Norm brag, oh, sorry.
But Fish, this is interesting, Fish chose his victims.
He only chose victims who were either mentally handicapped.
Now, don't laugh at this next part, please.
You know he wants you to, right?
No.
If you laugh at this next part.
Okay.
And I'm not going to drink water.
Fish chose victims who were either mentally handicapped
or African-American.
Oh, come on.
Why would you think that's funny?
Goddamn, Fred.
Jesus Christ.
That was the worst part of the story.
Okay.
But why do you think he did that?
What would be the explanation?
Why would he only attack?
Why would his victims that he chose
only be either mentally handicapped
or African-Americans?
Because people don't, in those days,
didn't care when those people were vanished.
You're thinking like Albert Fish now.
And prostitutes.
That's why they kill prostitutes.
Exactly.
Nobody really cares about prostitutes.
Well, it's like that comedian
that would rape people at comedy,
no, in colleges.
Yes, Vince Champ.
They always said his great gimmick
was that people would think who did it
and they never,
because he'd go on to another town
and another college.
But when people say,
what about the comic?
Yeah.
Maybe the worst gimmick a comic ever had.
But anyway,
but you're exactly right.
That's why Albert Fish killed
only mentally handicapped
and African-Americans.
What about, okay.
I thought you'd laugh
at African-Americans again
that they weren't.
No, because I know him.
I know he'll do something.
That's outrageous.
Well, it's kind of outrageous for you.
But anyways,
Fish tortured, mutilated,
and murdered the youngsters.
They were children.
With a meat cleaver,
a butcher knife,
and a small hand saw.
Oh, Jesus.
God, you're...
This is the topical portion?
Yeah.
This is the birthday.
And he solidified his reputation
as the most vicious child slayer
in criminal history.
Though barely literate,
Fish wrote taunting letters
to the parents of his victims,
gruesomely detailing
how he slayed,
butchered,
cooked,
and then with great enjoyment
dined on their offspring.
He would inevitably declare
that a child's roasted rump
was the most toothsome dish
in all of gastronomy.
Gastronomy.
Additionally,
Fish was a masochist.
Get this.
And he would insert wool
doused with lighter fluid
into his own anus
and set it alight
for his own enjoyment.
Fish was finally arrested
and he immediately began
confessing to killing
700 children.
Get out of here.
Yes.
And he was dizzyingly happy about it.
Smiled as he described
the grisly details
of the tortures
and the murders,
appearing to the detectives.
And one of the detectives said
he appeared as the devil himself.
I mean,
this Albert...
I mean,
this guy was a real jerk.
Now I know
there was no Albert Fish.