Name: Norm Macdonald Bootleg Stand up # 1
Uploaded: 2021-12-16T03:21:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Bootleg Stand up # 1' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Bootleg Stand up # 1' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-16. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Bootleg Stand up # 1

*Clapping*
*Clapping*
You like my shirt?
*Clapping*
It's a bit of a cock magnet
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
Plus what am I jagged?
I realized I'm an old man
but I fucking went in and thought
this looked good
*Clapping*
Like in the old days, I'd say hey, that jagged would be a good one
to bury my father in
*Clapping*
And I'm like fuck it, that's too good for him
*Clapping*
I got my clothes in the ground
God damn
We're on this fucking trip
and it's wild
and we're in Las Vegas
this was before the RV trip
so then I flew here and we got the RV
and Vegas
I don't like it that much
because I'm a fucking degenerate
*Clapping*
As a matter of fact
I had to bring a poker player on tour
*Clapping*
That's what I lost
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
I'm a fucking idiot
but anyways
*Clapping*
I was in Vegas
and here's an interesting thing you see in Vegas
because gambling
so fucking fucks on your mind
so in Vegas
any casino really
people will come there
and they come there with like a plan
a scheme sometimes
you know
a plot
scheme
*Clapping*
the plot always trumps a scheme
*Clapping*
and uh
their ideas are gonna break the bag
you know
cause they got a system
you know
and uh
actually
sometimes these systems
don't work at all
*Clapping*
that's what
I think
I saw
like a system
that was beginning to unravel
because
I just heard
like
you know
you just hear a snippet of conversation
but it tells you a lot
behind it
like you just
you know what I mean
and I heard
like one time
I gave you an example
I was walking
by two homeless dudes
and I looked
one homeless dude said to the other
he was like
"When the fuck were you ever
goaltending with the Montreal Canadiens?"
*Clapping*
so
he had enough of this guy's horse shit
that was the most
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
so
this is all I heard
and I
uh
I inferred from this
that I may have seen
in the beginning
of the unravel of the system
it was the guy
and his wife
and they were silent
there was tension
when I walked in
and then as we were going down
suddenly
out of the blue
the guy turns to his wife
and goes
"I don't give a fuck what I said
give me the money!"
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
I'm changing the system
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
it's all so irrational
*Clapping*
this is what I did
I went to do
I'll show you how
first of all
I sniffle
when I'm nervous
*Clapping*
and then
uh
then I think
everybody thinks
I'm fucking out cocaine
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
you know
and then that makes me
*Clapping*
and the cocaine itself
makes me
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
I don't know why
I sniffle out something
but uh
*Clapping*
anyways
*Clapping*
I go to the roulette table
this is how we rationally are
I go to the roulette table
and I put $200 down
on black
and then the thing spins
and it lands
on red
and then I say
"Fuck!
I almost picked that!"
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
Everyone at the table
understands
they're
"Ah, ah, you can't
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
You can't go against
your first instincts
and you know anything
about the game of roulette
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
You know
that you can't
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
But anyway
we flew here
that's a
that's a gamble
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
But
it's not a gamble
at all
you never die
you always think
you're going to die
*Clapping*
You have time in a plan
and go
"Hey, if I'm going to die
what the fuck am I playing for?"
*Clapping*
Why would I do this?
It's a pathetic choice
and
and
but then you know
we get out
and then
it's alright
but
Michael said
here's a little
a little tip for you
because I travel a lot
sit in the
in the
in the
in the
emergency exit room
because
you get extra laying room
and
all you have to do
to get into them
is to lie
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
what is this
ain't wrong?
*Clapping*
The stewardess comes out
not stewardess
but
flight attendants
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
a lot of new words
folks
alright
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
when I was young
when I was young
if you were a woman
and a flight attendant
we called you a stewardess
and if you were a man
and you were a flight attendant
we called you a stewardess
and if you were a man
and you were a flight attendant
we called you a you know
it's a
*Clapping*
I didn't say anything
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
I don't know where your
guys' minds are
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
Anyway
the stewardess comes up
and she just says
hey
listen
if the plane crashes
and everything
would you mind
like
you know
letting out other people
first
stuff like that
get over this year
and they're not like
and they go
yes
yes I'll do it
*Clapping*
I was gonna ask you
if I could do it
that's the end
but
alright
so you asked me
I was gonna ask you
*Clapping*
of course in real life
you know
fucking kicking
your own mother
ah fuck thank you
little poor
yeah
the life deliver
was on the TV
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
and then they say
these things
one that I've never heard
I guess I blanked them out
but they say
if a thing comes on
the oxygen mask
they say
make sure
you put it on yourself
before your little child
and I was like
well that was my fucking plan
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
but you know
it's all
just to make it feel good
never fucking
what you never want
to do is go up
fucking plane
crashed into the Pacific Ocean
but
don't worry
everybody floating around
on their seats
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
and also
that motherfucking
plane goes down
so fast
like 900 miles an hour
shit
crashes into the cement
first of all
the location
of that emergency exit
may change
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
there's nothing left
less view
*Clapping*
they even show
crashes
they show
airplane crashes
they show them
and you never see a body
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
because they're vaporized
it's just
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
they show up
playing a load of stuff
and god damn
a lot of stuff in this plane
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
they're called remains
that's what they call stuff
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
and then
if you're a victim
you know
if you're a family
the victim
you want to get that
the more I get those remains
on account of
that will give you
some feeling of closure
you know what I mean
like
you know god damn
I haven't been able to
fucking sleep
a single night
you know
since Billy was in that plane crash
plane crash
all I can see is remains
*Clapping*
I feel if I can look at those
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
I can put this all behind me
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
a nice restlessly
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
also you ain't getting
your kid
you know
you're getting
the fucking
whatever they did to
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
suddenly they're like
hey look at that
lock of strawberry blonde
there god damn
that looks like Agnes
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
didn't you fire a thigh bone
or something
put him over there
work on reconstructing
it's crazy
you got a job to do man
they just go
come on
we're burning daylight
god damn it
here here's our final ID
that says
"Normatnow"
190 pounds
okay
shovel 190 pounds of stuff
you were bad
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
right now I'm gonna say that
*Clapping*
what's the same?
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
and my mother's like
"Oh look at that
I don't remember
Norm having
three eyeballs
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
yeah I guess
you never really knew
man
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
ultimately unknowable
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
some people
do
uh
survive
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
some people do survive
plane crashes
but
this is God's little joke
the only people
he let survive
plane crashes
are those people
that crash
into the
andes
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
because
it's a fate worse than death
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
you're there
and
you have to wrestle
with this
moral quandary
of cannibalism
you know
*Clapping*
which I'm against
I think
*Clapping*
if any of you know
any of my work
you'll know
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
and I'm not gonna use this
as a bully buff
to try to convince you
that cannibalism
isn't good you know
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
plus you're adults
you know
you've made up your mind
about cannibalism
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
and I'm not gonna change it
I go to talk to the kids
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
I go across this
this great continent
you know
except for Mexico
I don't wanna go there
*Clapping*
America and Canada
I go all across
American Canada
and
I go to
the
the school
and I try to tell
you know
I tell the kids
listen
you might think
cannibalism is cool
and
*Clapping*
I might lie to you
you know
you eat a fucking guy
and
he
he'll be talking about you
for a while
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
but in the future
I try to tell you
I gotta think about
the future
God damn
would this cancel culture
you know what I mean?
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
a guy could be the funniest
mother fucker ever
and then it's like
*Clapping*
hey
he fucking ate three people
*Clapping*
ooh
get rid of the camp
he's no good
he's no good
*Clapping*
remember the victims
he's no good
remember the victims
the people
they got eaten
*Clapping*
but remember the cannibal
they can't get a fucking job
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
whatever you know
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
*Clapping*
the problem
here's the problem
with the fucking Andes
first of all
don't spy with the Andes
haven't done
you never understand that
people go
listen man
is there
I want to go to an island
with my wife Ruth
and we're going to read
Kindle
I think
and lie in a hammock
all that shit
anyways
can we go over the Andes
on the way?
I thought what?
I want you to fly over the Andes
in a white plane
do you have a white airplane?
an airplane
an airplane is blinding white anyway
then you crash
and then you get this
motherfucking decision making
and they always wait too long
for the decision
that's the problem
you know they wait until they're
you know
me
I fucking
you gotta be prepared
for this kind of shit
I'm prepared
like
if I'm in an airplane
and there's just
the slightest turbulence
I'll go
I'm eating that fucker
in 14th seed
that guy looking delicious
and I see him on the plane
and he's like
ha ha ha ha
god damn
he looks stupid
and then I crashed
and I just
when nobody's looking
I dragged a guy behind
and I put a car
and then three months later
I'm like
what are we going to do?
I'm like
burp
I don't know
ha ha ha
maybe we gotta eat those corpses
where are they anyway?
there's a bunch of bones over there
ha ha ha
I think the snakes got 'em
ha ha ha ha
but no it is a different time
where we use different words
and it's tough
it's tough as a comedian
because
um
you know
we gotta use words
ha ha ha
that's all we got
ha ha
so
people are saying words
that mean different things
to different people
you don't know what the fuck
anybody's saying
and of course I grew up
in a time
that was like
you know
it was hateful
it was a time of
everybody hated
everybody
you know
the white
male hated
like
I remember my dad
white male
and
this motherfucker
I remember
when I was a little kid
when I was a little kid
I went after him
and I said
dad
I think
I really feel inside
that
I think
that I'm a little girl
and he said
he said to me
he said
wait a second
I thought you had a cop
you got me
you got me
you got me
you got me
well they say
this display
how hateful
we were back then
ha ha ha
imagine we lived
in this neighborhood
it was almost unfathomable
but we lived at a time
once in this country
when we thought
that having a cop
that having a cop
gets into it
being a boy
painful
mother fucker
he beat Hitle