Name: Norm Macdonald Stand Up Bootleg # 2 #NormMacdonald
Uploaded: 2021-12-16T17:19:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up Bootleg # 2 #NormMacdonald' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up Bootleg # 2 #NormMacdonald' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-16. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Stand Up Bootleg # 2 #NormMacdonald

*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
Oh, man, you guys.
*Cheering*
That's sweet, man.
That's nice.
*Cheering*
That's very, very, very, very nice.
That's nice, right?
Can I get nicer than...
*Cheering*
I gotta run out of my cup once.
*Cheering*
I get all my wisdom out of cups.
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
You ever go, "God damn, I'm gonna buy that mother fucker cup?"
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
That's so wise.
Say a fish...
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
Every morning, I will drink coffee from my cup.
And I'll read that fucking wise thing.
That's the wisest cup maker I ever...
*Cheering*
But then I go, "Fuck it, I'm not blind to mother earth."
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
I'll just get a regular cup and remember that wise thing.
*Cheering*
And then I remember we were doing wise things.
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
*Cheering*
I remember one time, I was like, they were thinking of wise things.
Cause I think, like people who stumble on them, people who retards like me,
like...
*Cheering*
So one now I was like, "It's better to be, uh, uh, what was it? Better be sorry
than safe." I switched around, right? And then when I said if I did it by
mistake, I'll be honest with you.
It was never fair. It sounds like some of us would say. So then I started to
say to my friend, "Hey man, what do you think of this one? It's better to be
sorry than safe."
And then we were going to ask Andrew Charles. "No, it's not. It's wise, I swear."
The same here with me saying it. So then I started doing this thing because I
was really convinced about that.
And so I started wiring around and going, "Hey man, it's Winston Churchill.
Sorry, see?"
And then they go, "God damn, that's wise." And I go, "It's me, your father!"
And then they go, "It's not wise, I go, it's too late."
It is wise, I know it is.
Why is it so unbelievable that a man can't call one wise thing out of his
entire fucking life?
I got to learn how to use a mic stand. That's on my to-do list on how to become
a better stand-up.
Time to use a mic-patron stand.
I got to beg to do this for that.
But I love Stanley. I love the feeling of taking that, some of that, just, you
know, it's such a beautiful feeling of taking that, a group of people, you know,
and with my comedy, just transforming them into an unruly mom.
I'm like, "This guy's watching him like my Uncle Buck."
And that's a good stand-up show of my guy.
Everything's fast. Time to go.
That's always fun when you're starting to start saying, "Anyway, my Uncle Basil's
only..."
You know, Uncle Basil, of course, you know, that's your, that used to be your
husband before he died.
Anyways, I'll never forget Uncle Basil, on his deathbed, that he spoke to me.
It was about you, actually. I've never heard this story.
What was it? Are we saying something about, um, on the base or something?
I don't know, I was saying, I'm not even aware of it.
I was playing, uh, Sing Sing to James.
I was playing, uh, Poins.
Poins.
Goddamn, you're 85-year-old.
That makes, excuse me, a young-and-woman.
My mom, she old.
She don't love that shit, man.
It's good for old people.
You know, 'cause, 'cause they get to, with the computer, it's fucking awesome.
My mom's 80, she doesn't do shit,
and talk to people her age,
and people, uh, 75 years younger.
You know, I was talking about a five-year-old, but...
It's a huge gap, and, uh...
It keeps her going.
And, you know, she sits in the chair and does that all day.
And she used to sit in the chair and do this.
So it's a big, big, big hell.
I got my mom with me now.
She is, uh, she'll be from Ohio.
She's settled in Ottawa.
And a lot of my relatives are there, and, uh...
And, uh, yeah, the wonderful Ottawa Valley is where, uh...
Where my heritage comes from.
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Yeah, goddamn right!
The last guy's here, Gord McClown, was here.
He's another fella.
Gordy!
You know Gordy?
Gordy!
Gordy, are you here tonight?
Good night or something?
What?
What?
Wait, say what you said again?
Gordy!
Gordy, what?
I'm an old man.
I don't know that shit.
I never caught up with, like...
Yeah, that was awesome.
Yeah, that was awesome.
You don't know what the fuck's going on.
People come up to you and go, "Motherfucker, you're the shit!"
"Thank you!"
"You know, I'm not kidding, man, you're shit!"
"I don't fuck your own mother!"
"I don't appreciate it, I don't have anything to do that."
"But, uh..."
"The words are all meaningless, it just has to go by the sound."
"You know?"
"The words are all meaningless, it just has to go by the sound."
"You know?"
"Shit, I know when people mean, like, celebrities and shit."
"Sometimes they go, ah, I'm not such a big celebrity."
"But some people, oh, I don't mean to buy, oh, and all that shit."
"Now, this made me racist and shit."
"This is what I found with the brothers, you know?"
"I love the brothers, because they don't give a fuck."
"They're never like, I don't want to look like a fucking idiot."
"I don't want to look like a fucking idiot."
"They're not like that, bro."
"I've never seen a white guy do in my life."
"And I don't know if you've ever seen this, but they're like this."
"Hm."
"And I don't know if I ever want to run out, I just run away."
"I've been 30 blocks down here."
"And then they try to tell a lot of people that don't know who the fuck I am."
"Well, you don't want this motherfucker!"
"Do the thing!"
"They made me do things."
"You know, the brothers, you know, you do the black club, the brothers are
fucking funny."
"You know?"
"You do white clubs, everybody's retards."
"You're like, oh, I ain't fine at all."
"But, uh, you the black club, one of them are funnier than you."
"You're like, oh."
"I ain't fine at all."
"But of course, yeah, I don't have black guys."
"I understand them, so you've been experimenting a little with it."
"I don't know."
"You know, I was, uh, the, the closest thing was in Pakistani."
"We call them 'Packies.'"
"But what the fuck?"
"I mean, there's the nicest people in the world, though."
"And, uh, we said there were people who gave people to say, 'I got a damn 'Packies.'"
"And, uh, they seem like most polite people I've ever met."
"Ah, fuck 'em."
"We had a branch, of course, which was the..."
"You know, somebody told me that, because you've been around for so long, you
might have an election or shit."
"And I was thinking about many elections, because it was very easy when I was
young, it was just, 'Vote for the man, uh, who is not French."
"You know, I don't have to follow up."
"You know, I don't have to follow up."
"I think she was at all."
"But it was obviously a badder place back then."
"And, uh, and, uh, you know, people progressed a lot of ways."
"But it's gonna be the only thing that stops you from loving someone."
"If not understanding a single fucking word that the other person said."
"It's gonna somehow get between..."
"I remember one time I might come from Quebec City, but I walked into the Chateau
Lourdes, Chateau Frontenac in Quebec City, and they said they had a language
lot for every English word, you had to have a French word right beside it."
"And so it was a hotel, you know, the Chateau Frontenac, and it said, so
anyways, it sat behind the thing that was assigned, it said, 'Reception,' and
then there was a slash, right?"
"Reception, slash, reception."
"We had elections, like, in America, and then elections that are, like,
important, because you're voting for the wrong guy, and the world blows up."
"It's like serious stuff, you know?"
"And that doesn't happen in Canada, no."
"Like, really, you know, nothing terrible is gonna happen."
"But that's why I don't vote in America, plus, I'm American too."
"I can vote, but I wouldn't anyway, because I would not want to make the wrong
decision."
"And then the bottom row blows up, and then they're like, 'Can you open it
again?'"
"I'm like, well, I don't know."
"She's a good speaker, I don't know."
"Good public speaker, that's what I choose."
"I never vote in Canada, because the stakes in Canada seem so crazy low."
"Like, you know what I mean?"
"Like, in America, you talk about your leg, and go, 'What are you voting for,
what's your...?'"
"Because we're voting for a battle."
"You know, health insurance for everybody, and get out of war, get the troops
on, get our boys on."
"And that's what's important to me, and of course, the economy."
"Then in Canada, you go, 'What are you voting for?'"
"And people go, 'Well, what the fuck do you think? The bridge!"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge!"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge!"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge!"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge?"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge?"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge?"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge?"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge?"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge?"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge?"
"What the fuck do you think? The bridge?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"What the fuck do you think?"
"And lawn and shit."
"That's not even for us to the leader, it's for like Alderman or something."
"I don't even know what that is."
"Like Hornsby for Alderman."
"It works, I don't like it, I'll go for Hornsby."
"That guy went to the treble."
"If you're doing that, it's gonna be important."
"That's the biggest difference, really."
"When you think about it, is that the Americans, you get to vote for the
president."
"You get to vote for the man that will be the leader."
"You know, but here, you don't."
"You don't get to get to vote for Harvard or nothing like that."
"You just get to vote for your riotings."
"You just get to vote for some fucker down the street."
"Look at that."
"Then he comes to your house and you're like,
"So anyway, what about that fucking bridge?"
"I'm tired of that shit."
"Yeah, it's like, that's the first order of business."
"Well, you got my vote, you know."
"Anyways, you know, you don't get a chance that you can't go to Harvard."
"But before you sit there, you gotta go."
"You ever hear of a fella named Bill Henderson?"
"Oh my God."
"So then your guy, he goes to the House of the Commons, which is a fucking
super cool place."
"And he has a chair."
"And he can share and show that."
"And then he wears wigs from the 14th century."
"Why didn't they do that?"
"And then they go, 'Okay, any order of business."
"Hey, what about, you got something to say?"
"Henderson, here, see your hands up."
"And I was like, 'Yes.'
"I was thinking, 'We got a bridge.'
"And the brother, when you go on it, there's a bump."
"And they go, 'What the fuck are you talking about?'
"A bridge, just sit down, shut the fuck up.'"
"And you get to stay, you know."
"They phone and you go, 'Hey, what's up going on with the bridge?'
"I'm working on it, you know."
"It's people, and it's a dry bill."
"Bullshit."
"I don't got no, I don't got no opinion, nothing.
"I know I'm against power."
"Fuck that power shit."
"I don't know that shit."
"It's like the Queen.
"Queen is still the Queen of Canada."
"I didn't even know that until then."
"It's weird, you know, the Queen is the richest lady in the whole world."
"Don't be richer than the Queen, right?"
"Now, you see, uh, fucking, uh, like, the Arab Spring."
"Wait, is that Oprah or something?"
"There you go."
"You got a good chunk of change."
"But you see the Arab Spring, and they got that guy, Asad, he's the guy from
Syria, fucking shit."
"And everybody had to figh