Name: Norm Macdonald Stand up Bootleg # 3 @NormMacdonald
Uploaded: 2021-12-17T17:08:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand up Bootleg # 3 @NormMacdonald' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand up Bootleg # 3 @NormMacdonald' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-17. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Stand up Bootleg # 3 @NormMacdonald

Ladies and gentlemen, Noah McDonald!
You're all right, okay? You're all right. You're all right, okay?
It's funny. I was on a show with Carson Daly, right?
And I'd done a movie, and so they had a show. MTV was real big.
Remember when people used to watch that?
And I had a movie, and so I went, and they'd go, "You gotta do Carson Daly."
And I was a young kid, and they said, the way they put it is, "You should do
Carson."
And I was like, "Yes!"
That's what was my dream. Every time I was young.
Like, you know, disc jockeys salvage themselves.
So I'm on the beach, it's a beach, a beach house with Carson Daly or something
like that.
It was all sand, and I'm wearing like a leather jacket, and I don't like my
body.
I don't know.
And I'm all out of shape. Everybody there, like 19, beautiful.
And so then the Carson Daly, at least they're giving me a funny bit.
He's like, "Norm, by the end of the week, we're getting some swimming trunks."
And he didn't say trunks, you know?
I'm like, "No, no, no, that's not going to happen," you know?
Might as well abandon that thought, you know?
So, then he's like, "Hey, in the commercial, I was going to pass around the pot,
better get some money going."
And I'm like, "Nah, this bit, we shouldn't do this bit no more."
Then we come back and he goes, "Hey, just pass out some money, maybe get some
Norm, Norm into some Speedos."
Not Speedos.
I'm like, "What?"
Like, he's going, "Well, this is not going anywhere."
Like, you know, we were doing a week-long show, so I said, "We shouldn't build
it all up."
And in the end, I don't do nothing.
But he thought I was going to do it, so anyways, on the final day, he said, "All
right, well, we've been watching all week to see if Norm will wear some
swimming clothes."
And I'm like, "No, I don't want to do it."
He's like, "How about we have a little, you know, a little dance for him, you
know? A fashion show."
So, two guys, they've got thongs on, so they're asses at me.
And they're dancing, and I'm like, sitting on a chair, and I'm like, trying to
pretend like that's cool, you know?
So then the guy, and then Carcilli picks up the money, the money from trying to
talk me into it.
He goes, "150 bucks in this, either one of you that want to give Norm a lap
dance."
And they both got running at me at the beach.
And I'm like, I was on the television and shit, so...
And I'm like, wait, like, in a half a minute, like, a guy's gonna be grinding
his fucking ass on a cock.
And I'm like, "That can't look good. Am I real?"
And then, like, me punching a guy in a speedo, that's gonna look even worse.
So, but I had to decide only, like, five seconds since the guy was running so
fast.
So I just ran away.
And then, you know, it was by far the best of the three choices.
But still, I just pay for it.
Because we came back and everybody was like, "Ah, Norm the homophobe."
People think he's gay or something.
He lets a guy rub his ass in his face.
Deeply closeted.
Deeply closeted.
Deeply closeted gay.
We were, uh, we, uh, caught ourselves, uh, um, um, DGC, DCG's.
Deeply closeted gay.
And, uh, here's the thing.
Yeah, you were a secret gay.
I don't know any of you guys.
Seems like a problem.
Nobody knows who's in the fucking group.
You know what I mean?
So we have a community, and we never know who else is over here.
You, and, uh, you know.
And you're like, "Ah, I forgot her."
Yeah, whatever.
It's not a great community.
True.
Always living a life.
People don't understand.
Here's what people don't understand.
Here's what people don't understand.
Here's what people don't understand about deeply closeted gay guys.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.
I appreciate it.
Is that, uh, they're always, uh, they always, uh,
because they don't know enough about our, uh, group.
Community.
The community.
The community of deeply closeted gay guys.
So they, uh, they tend to, 'cause they're ignorant,
they call you gay.
You know what I mean?
Sometimes I've had this conversation about a very closeted gay man.
And they go, "Oh, I didn't know you were gay."
And I'm like, "I'm not gay.
What the fuck is wrong with your hearing?"
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
People closeted gay.
It's a tough thing to be.
I'm saying that.
I got married, you know?
Keep up appearances, you know?
So you gotta do a lot of shit like that.
And, uh, Ruth.
Oh, god damn.
Oh, god damn.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
People closeted gay.
It's a tough thing to be.
I'm saying that.
I got married, you know?
Keep up appearances, you know?
So you gotta do a lot of shit like that.
And, uh, Ruth.
Oh, god damn.
You know, I know, like, the differences between men and women in a relationship
may be kind
of hack, you know?
Material for a comedian.
But this comes from a guy who's a deeply closeted gay guy.
So it's a different something you haven't heard, you know?
Like, I know there's a difference between, you know?
Like, after sex, you know, Ruth likes to cuddle.
I like to vomit.
It's a good-looking lady, but I find her sexually repulsive.
Nice lady.
So she cuddles.
Sometimes I vanish.
One of the two.
Mom and Vanish.
Sometimes I'll just vanish and, you know, a couple days later I come back and
we're just
like, where were you?
I'm like, I was, uh, getting some, uh, there was a cat.
And I kind of brought back the house and I'm like, ah, looking for that cat.
And I go, ah.
And she's like, how long did that day?
Ah, 20 minutes or something.
But you've been gone two days.
And I'm like, no, it's a cat.
I mean, that's a hoisting.
People do different things.
Like, I was, uh, uh, housing on fire and shit.
And, uh, so I was like, get some water, you know, throw the water in the fire.
And then, uh, I don't know why everyone was like, that's the guy, the cat, you
know.
It was like, whatever.
I'm like, whatever.
He left.
So.
Whatever.
This story, you know.
I don't know.
Hero.
I just found him.
She was out on it.
Okay.
I don't know.
An hour.
I don't know.
You've been gone for two days.
What?
I was, uh, telling you about the can, uh...
Sucked off a guy in a purse.
Where are these Christians all the time?
Where are these Christians women?
Parks is one of the things I found most different since my days.
It's just a...
Before I came out, you know.
But, uh, you know, for a straight guy, you go to a park.
Hey!
Park time, man.
Let's...
Get out that, uh...
Potato salad and antibiotics.
Oh, of course, you put mustard in it.
And, uh...
Then, don't forget about this.
Oh, hey!
I hope there's no ants.
Oh.
That will ruin everything.
The ants family will try and have fun, right?
Meanwhile, I'm not a tree.
Ah!
For a second.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What's going on?
What's going on?
Yeah, I'm just talking to my kid.
I'm having a...
Picnic.
It's just like capers of mustard in you.
That's the code.
Don't do that no more.
No, no.
Whatever.
It's a tough way to earn a bus.
Nah, nah.
I don't make no coin off it.
It's love.
It's love.
You ever hear that expression?
You ever hear?
I would like to make gloves to you up your asshole.
You ever agree with that, right?
You ever agree with that, right?
I don't know.
Something about don't go right together.
It's funny because when you get to be at seminary, it's like I'm an old man.
So I can't, you know?
My cock hasn't worked for a long time.
I'm no threat for nobody.
That's a good thing.
First of all, it's hard enough for me, you know, to get an erection, like even
doing tax time or something like that.
Let alone if the girl hated my guts that I was trying to lay down on top of it.
I think it would be hard for me to get real excited if she tried to scratch my
eyeballs out of it.
Listen, if you're really not into it, I...
No, that's about 90% of it to me is how much the girl likes me.
I can look around a lot if the girl likes me.
You know what I mean?
I go, "Well, she's, you know, not easy on the eyes, I guess."
I guess when she kept saying she liked me the whole time, she looked better.
"I don't like a girl, I don't like you at all."
I remember one time there was this girl and she was like,
she's everybody into different things.
Like, I'm just into finding a girl, lying down on top of her for a while.
You know? I don't know.
It was as ordinary as you can imagine.
And I don't like it when something else comes up.
And one time there was this girl, she's like,
she's whispering in my ear, she's like, "You like it rough?"
I'm like, "Yes!"
She's like, "Yeah."
But I didn't want her, I didn't want to go, "No."
And then she's like, "Go."
So I go, "Yeah."
It's the f***ing worst thing ever.
Like, 'cause I'm not strong, you know?
So she's like resisting it, but I'm not doing anything.
I'm like, "I'm going around and wrestling with it."
And I'm like, "My neck."
"My neck."
Anyways, I could never, you know, achieve an erection.
Don't worry about my neck.
Everything has to be just perfect.
Or to work at all, you know?
A lot of things happen to be a play at the same time.
Sometimes I eat them pills, but, uh...
No, I've never had 'em. It scared me too much.
Because of the heart thing, you know?
You know what I mean?
I couldn't relax if I grew up with my heart.
Thinking about my heart the whole time.
And God forbid four hours ever pass.
I'd rather shoot myself in the head.
Than phone a f***ing doctor.
"Hey Doc, yeah, listen. I know I don't like it that much, but my f***ing cock
is rock hard."
"He's been hurt like four hours."
"What?"
"No, I don't want to go to your f***ing place."
"Yeah, it's hard to phone ya."
And the cock, you know, the...
What, you heard a f***ing emergency?
Like, "Hey, hello?"
Uh...
See how that gunshot was in there.
I don't know if you can see over the...
Over the...
The cock.
It's always hard.
Why do I have to go ahead and laugh?
I swear I got something filthy, you know?
I blame myself a little bit.
I think, like, porn wrecked my ability for, you know, actual sex life where I
just...
'Cause I used to be happy, I'd lie down on top of a lady, everything would be
fine.
And then the girls liked that, you know?
Because they knew there wasn't a manic weird, you know?
They knew...
Their feet were not going to be involved in.
That's one of the f***s!
Sorry, a guy should tell you that early in the day.
You know what I mean?
If you're a girl or something like that, you know?
They'd go, "Well, you know, wait a long time until you're hopelessly in love
with the person, you know?"
And they'd go, "Well, Gretchen, I guess it would take a blind fool not to see
that I have feelings for you."
I'm not sure I'd go out without you.
I hope you'll do me the service of always being with you.
God, Earl, yes.
God, Earl, yes.
All right, well.
I'll be jizzing on your foot tonight.
I'll be jizzing on your foot tonight.
I'll be jizzing on your foot tonight.
Boy, you made me love you and everything.
Yeah, I don't know.
I had to.
I heard it earlier if I saw you.
I said it right away.
Hard enough to find a girl, let alone you got these weird things.
A porno wrecked it for me because it was too crazy.
Like, I guess I came onto it too late in the scene and I didn't understand.
Like, I thought porno early on was just where they put a picture of a famous
person on another picture.
I didn't know.
And then a guy showed me actual porno.
I'm like, "What? What?"
Like, fuckin' thousands.
It's like one of eleven hundred thousand.
I'm like, "What?"
Eleven hundred thousand pictures.
And then,
never see the same girl twice.
You're like, "When did everyone become a whore?"
What are these girls doing then?
I've never seen a girl do anything like this with me ever once.
That was on the TV.
He's been on the TV.
These guys, like, you never see the same girls twice.
So, it started off, I'd be whacking off all the time.
Way too often.
But then, you get desensitized.
You know that word from the big books?
So, you need more and more.
You know what I mean?
You're like a fuckin' can and you're like, "Ahh!"
You can only take eight cocks up her ass