Name: Norm 2020 stand up live
Uploaded: 2021-12-19T00:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm 2020 stand up live' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm 2020 stand up live' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-19. Transcript available.

Norm 2020 stand up live

You're in my pap, what is it now?
It wasn't a doctor, it was a guy I met in Chinatown.
I gotta stop saying Chinaman.
Even though as far as racial evidence goes,
I feel Chinaman is probably the least offensive ever.
Man from China.
It's hard to get that fucking worked up.
It's hard to get worked up about anything
now that we're all going to die in two weeks.
Who gives a fuck anymore about LGBTQ?
I didn't even care about the coronavirus two weeks ago.
When I was in China, it was funny.
People get outraged.
I'm outraged.
I'm like, fuck, I wish I could be.
I'm like, where does that have you?
I'm a grown person.
You think I'm going to be offended
by anything some fucking dude says?
God damn, I walked through
fucking blood and bones in New York City.
I ate 50 eggs today.
I ate 50 eggs today.
People say, why don't you eat 35?
I said, well, 50 just need a nice round number.
No, that's not true.
I didn't eat 50 eggs.
This is my,
my stomach has become distended
by the deadly virus coursing through my brain.
I don't pretend to understand medical gobbledygook,
but that doctor today told me I'm more virus than host.
What does that even mean?
I'm getting ready.
Fuck it.
I got,
I'm buying spam and shit.
I got a whole bunch of canned carrots,
but it goes beyond that.
You got to really prepare.
You got,
I got a room
and it's got a lock on it.
It's got spam
and firearms.
It's got a lot of shotguns.
And I'll put a fucking hole
through my son's belly.
I don't give a shit.
It comes right down to it.
I've suddenly realized
what I really care about.
Only me.
So anyways,
go find your own spam
if anything happens.
Because you ain't getting any from me.
I was in Las Vegas,
you know,
just before I came here.
Back in the old days.
And I was a gambler.
I'm a degenerate gambler,
which is,
and in Vegas,
they take,
you know,
they take advantage of me.
They always pay me in chips.
I'm like,
come on,
guys.
Sometimes one chip,
just a big chip.
I'm like,
what the fuck?
I like going to Indian casinos.
Because here's the thing,
I don't like fucking
a sleazy Vegas,
you know what I mean?
I don't like losing my money
to these motherfuckers,
you know,
big corporations.
Indian casinos,
I like,
because I feel like
I'm giving back
for,
you know,
that's when I methodically
murdered their people.
What do you want?
which looking back
was way out of line,
you know what I mean?
That was an error in general.
Anyways,
I'm square,
they told me last week.
Square for a lot of you guys, too.
I did my share.
Oh, my Lord.
But I'll tell you this,
this is from the heart.
I don't have any heart left.
Cancer of the heart.
I heard you could get that.
Wouldn't that be the worst cancer?
You go,
my heart?
What?
I thought I would either die
from cancer or heart,
not from both.
What the fuck is that?
But the number one,
the number one and two
causes of death,
cancer and heart disease.
That was,
that was four days ago.
Now,
they're tied with two and three
distant seconds and thirds.
Number one,
your brain stem
will start to melt
from the fucking virus
spinning around.
That blood will shoot
out of your asshole
followed by your liver,
which is your biggest organ.
The coronavirus
attacks the liver
and the liver hardens
like a rock
within two days.
And then...
What?
What is that in there?
Is that champagne or something?
Are you guys
celebrating some?
That's for you.
Oh, that's nice.
It's like drinking champagne.
That's where you know
you have a drinking problem.
You drink champagne.
Eight in the morning,
you had some champagne.
All right.
Like those people,
I have a mimosa.
Hold the orange juice.
Just a little orange juice.
A little on the side.
Just a picture of an orange.
Oh, man.
So anyways,
in Vegas,
I realized something.
You know,
people go to Vegas sometimes,
right?
And they got a system.
You know what I mean?
A system.
They're going to bust the bank.
They're going to beat the casino.
On account of they got a system.
And then,
I realized,
well,
this is what happened.
I was in an elevator,
right?
And I'm coming down the elevator.
There's a guy and a woman
get on the elevator.
Man and a wife,
it turns out.
And suddenly,
in the middle of nowhere,
the guy blurts out to the woman.
He goes,
what the fuck?
Give me the money.
I tell you,
I don't give a fuck what I said.
Just give me the money.
So I think that he was calling
an audible on his system.
That's my own theory.
It's an irrational thing,
gambling, though, you know?
Being addicted to gambling.
It's fucking so weird.
I always think to myself,
what the fuck is that?
Go,
God damn,
I need to lose more money.
I haven't lost money for two weeks.
I'm starting to Jones.
My bank account's getting big.
Can't take it,
I tell you.
It's a fucking odd thing.
But here's how irrational gambling is.
I went by a roulette table, right?
So I just walked by it.
I put $100 down on red.
And the thing spins around
and the little silver ball
lands on black.
And then I say,
fuck, I almost picked that.
And everyone understood, too.
That was the other out there.
They were like,
oh, yeah, you got it.
You can't, uh,
first, uh,
you don't understand anything
about the game of roulette.
You don't understand.
Here's something you don't want to do.
Number works.
When you play roulette, right?
I bet even.
And then if it hits zero,
I go, hey,
even number.
Double zero,
I don't know.
I have a number.
But zero.
I proved it to the guy.
It was divisible by two.
I took out a paper,
I prepared a proof.
I gave it to the pit boss.
He brought me upstairs.
The guy put a staple in my arm.
He stapled my arm to my chest.
I took an airplane from Las Vegas.
Here's something.
Here's a little tip for you
if you're flying in an airplane.
Always pick.
And by the way,
I'm sorry that I'm unshaven.
But I had to do this Sandler thing.
Listen.
If Sandler says,
you know,
hey, Norm,
I think maybe a beard.
You got to do it.
Because then I get to be in his movie
for ten seconds.
Anyways, look for that.
It's coming out a couple years.
Me for ten seconds.
But anyways,
what I was going to say was,
pick the exit row.
If you're in an airplane,
always pick the exit row.
Because you get like an extra
six inches or a foot of labor.
And all you have to do
to get the exit row is lie.
What happens is,
the stewardess walks up,
flight attendant!
Flight attendant walks up,
a lot of different words, okay?
Words mean different things.
I come from another time.
I'm going to start saying that.
I come from another time.
Usually it's people from the future
talking like that,
but I'm from the past.
I come from another time.
A time when...
I remember when I was a little boy,
I said to my dad,
I said,
hey dad,
I think I might be a little girl.
He said,
oh yeah,
I thought you had a cock.
I was like,
oh.
I only tell you that story
to illustrate how hateful
we were back then.
My dad was hateful.
And he wasn't pure hateful
because every coin
has an obverse, right?
So he was good
and he was sad.
He was loving
and he was hateful.
He was heroic.
You know what I'm saying?
He was all when he had me.
He was in the motherfucking
Second World War.
He fought Hitler.
Yeah.
Not for, you know,
his friends.
He didn't have a fist fight
with him or whatever.
Him and his buddies
went over there
and they sorted it out.
So anyways,
what I'm trying to say is
people are nuanced.
We all know that.
It's both good and bad.
So the good part
of my dad is
he saved himself
in the icy grip
of Nazi rule.
The hateful thing
about my dad
was his crazy theory
that having a cock
had something to do
with being a boy.
He didn't even understand
that kind of thinking.
How can you have
that thought?
But back then
they could think
these bizarre fucking
I don't believe
people that say
these shit are progressive.
I'll tell you that
progressive means
the future, right?
Tell me something
that not every other
motherfucker's telling me.
And then I'll call you
progressive.
But you say LBGT.
You just fucking
memorize those letters
you're fucking
if you're a progressive
like me
and I'm progressive
I say
I believe in the
LBGTQ
ABCDEFG
H-I-J-K-L-G-Q-I-S-T-U-V-E-W-X-Y-Z
Now I've done my ABCs
would you tell me
what you think of me?
Because
obviously
you think
LGBTQ
fucking covers
everything
you fucking
narrow-minded
fucking bigots
What about
what about
the Ds?
You probably don't even
know what they are
I don't either
but they'll show up
you know
If you think
it's going to stop
at 26
they're going to have to
invent new letters
for the alphabet
If any of you guys
want to like
sell one of your kidneys
or something
I have $8,000
You wouldn't say
How old are you though?
50
I'm 68
68 minus 50
is 27
29
that's 30
200
God damn
I shouldn't have taken
all that fucking LSD
before this
I took a handful
of LSD
before
every show
Before the show
I like to take
a handful of LSD
and I had to go
to the psychiatrist
they made me
and what a broken
record this fucker is
all he ever said
he's like
stop taking fistfuls
of LSD
before every show
I'm like
ah
like that
because
first of all
why is he an expert?
You know what I mean?
I'm the guy
taking the fucking LSD
he knows everything
about
fucking
how to loosen
the genetic drip
and
you should get a load
of this guy
he's a nine foot
fucking blue dog
with an ostrich head
anyway
but he studied
all his melting bucks
and behind him
he knows everything
he knows everything
so anyways
the stewardess
right
comes up
and she goes
she tells you
listen
listen
in case
the plane
crashes
and black
white smoke
comes racing
back toward you
to fill
your lungs
and nose
would you mind
letting other people
that first?
could you
help people out
and then you have to say
yes
they tell you that
you know
it must be
you must say it
like that's binding
somehow
you know
you're scrambling
over the wing
and you go
ah fuck
I forgot
I told that lady
ah
for a second
all right
after you
so I lie
you know when you lie
you lie too much
you know
would you do that?
I go yes
oh
yes
I was gonna ask you that
if I could do it
that's what's funny
but of course
in real life
fuck that shit
I'd be kicking
my own mother back
I'm getting the fuck
you had a full life
what do you want?
were you ever on the TV?
what the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm on the TV man
I was on the TV
I should never die
of coronavirus
do you think
that there's celebrities
going hey
I hope I get that
fucking coronavirus
I'll be a bigger celebrity
I'm sure there are
fucking motherfuckers
I love you
sorry
if that was the
coronavirus coming out
I really apologize
you know
because it's
probably suspended
in the air
around here
somewhere
but if you do die
in the next couple
of days
of the coronavirus
and it turns out
that it was from me
you have my sincerest
apologies
and I would give you
some champagne
hey
oh look
he's right
I didn't mean to embarrass me
what are you giving
anyway
what are you giving out
bag?
souvenirs?
of what?
the glasses?
glassware
memory
memory
memory
misty
watercolors
now if a plane
goes down
first of all
you ain't gonna survive
anyway
let's not fucking
care
does anybody believe
that horseshit?
oh if the plane
goes down
in the pacific ocean
don't worry about it
on account of
your seat cushion
is a boat
believe that
god damn
why'd I buy that boat?
I should have
bought a bunch of
seat cushions
look at that
whole fleet of them
for that kind of name
god damn
I'm sniffling
oh fucking shit
listen
don't worry about it
it's the cocaine
I did this cocaine
I don't have enough
for anybody
but
everybody
I have enough
for myself
but it's going
down the back
of my throat
and it's that
fucking
baby lax
if this
motherfucker
cuts it
but
Mike Deaver
he's always
frying
fucking
you know
rice-a-roni
with his
shirt off
fucking
hot in
you know
like
can't you
just give me
the coke
without the baby
that lacks it
in it
like I'll pay more
and he's like
that's not how it works
you know
if you go down
at that speed
on an airplane
there's nothing
left of you
you are
you are
nothing
vaporized
stuff
your stuff
that's what they find
a plane load of stuff
ashes to ashes
stuffed to seven
they find 