Name: Norm Standup live Bootleg # 4
Uploaded: 2021-12-20T23:53:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Standup live Bootleg # 4' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Standup live Bootleg # 4' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-20. Transcript available.

Norm Standup live Bootleg # 4

Norm MacDonald everyone, Norm MacDonald!
I love Portland.
I've been here a lot of times.
I love this club.
I love this city.
I did this.
He's coming in from the airport, right?
Anyway, I'm just going to do it.
But the driver is driving me in.
He's telling me how a fucking liberal and progressive Portland is.
And I noticed, like, everybody's white.
I said to the driver,
"It's not that hard to be progressive liberal when there's no black people."
And then the driver goes, "We got our share."
I was in Las Vegas.
I came from here from Las Vegas to Nevada where I lived before.
I actually said this.
And it kind of shocked me.
Immediately after.
I went to, oh, first I went down in the elevator and there was a guy, you know
people come to Las Vegas and they have systems, they come up with a system.
And sometimes, the system doesn't work out.
And I believed I witnessed a broken system.
There was a guy in the elevator with his wife.
And the guy who chose his wife was like, "I don't give a fuck what I said, give
me the money."
But this is what I did.
I went to the roulette table.
You know how roulette works.
Actually, I don't know how roulette works.
I don't know anything, but I was just walking by it.
So I put $200 on red.
And it lands on black.
And I go, "Ah, fuck, I almost picked that!"
First instinct, I've got to start over thinking.
How many bikes do we need?
Because, three weeks ago, a motherfucker sneezed into the bike.
And then I went behind and freaking had to go to med for a tech day.
A doctor was freaking...
I don't understand this medical...
He told me I can't point my life on more virus than host.
He's a cruel guy, this guy.
Does that mean that?
This is why they were like...
He put a...
He said, "I don't want to work on my weight."
He's like, "Don't worry, you know, you just get a hold of it."
He goes, "Okay."
He's like, "I'll check you."
He goes, "If I open your badge and say, oink."
I'm like, "Come on!"
He's like, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
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He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
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He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
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He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
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He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
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"I don't want to go to my doctor."
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He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
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He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
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He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
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He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "I don't want to go to my doctor."
He goes, "Yes, students, I am the doctor that's the head of all you guys."
Listen, today is the day we pick specialties.
Just stop any of this wonderful location.
What about me?
What about a heart doctor, huh?
What about that?
You hold like a man's beating heart in your chest.
A HEART!
Sonatomous with soul.
He goes, "The heart is here as you hold it."
What God like, and then the guy like you.
"What do you want, Stevenson?"
Guys, I wonder how I was thinking about that heart thing.
I was thinking, "Maybe I'd take that."
"Do I get to look up a guy's asshole?"
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're a brain surgeon!
Why not that?
You're a brain surgeon!
You're a brain surgeon!
You're a brain surgeon!
What is it, Stevenson?
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole!
You're a dick and you're a dick and you're a dick.
You're an asshole!
You're a dick and you're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick.
I loved it.
He doesn't have that.
I'll give you a drug. Have you ever had a colonoscopy?
Have you?
Do you really? Ladies have collagen.
Yeah, I'd have colon, but there's something else that I don't know.
I like to not know about these things.
It takes away the mystery.
Somebody told me I could have something.
I don't need to know how it actually works.
It'd be hard to have sex of any kind if you know the actual.
Especially just because I'm not married to Eastman.
And there comes a time...
First of all, I got married.
I didn't know this.
God shows up.
Like I thought that was a lady like a...
You know, justice of Eastman.
You go there and then the guy goes...
By the way, you know God shows up for this, right?
I'm like...
I don't know.
I thought I just said something.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And then he goes...
He's like, "Do you promise to take care of her in sickness and in health?"
He goes, "Sickness?"
I thought that never occurred yet.
So it's alright to you, that's it.
Don't feel possible.
That's all I ever looking at.
You promise you will love her forever.
Here's the problem with that question.
I can't predict the future.
That's extremely difficult for me.
I promise.
North!
You know the thing about...
Zach.
Setson.
Too old.
At some point...
At some point...
At some point...
You know like with Caleb Jenner...
Like...
Yeah, you know...
I think it's amazing...
What Caleb Jenner did, you know?
First of all, she won...
The decathlon in 1970.
But the world's greatest athlete...
Was a lady.
It was astonishing.
But nobody knew at the time...
On account of she lied all the time.
She lied all the time.
She lied all the time.
She lied all the time.
But nobody knew at the time.
She lied all the time.
She lied all the time.
She lied all the time.
And she lied all the time.
But I think...
When she won the...
That's when she should have said...
I'm a lady.
That gold medal around her...
Juice and tits.
At some point she said...
I'm a lady.
And people go...
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
What I am saying is
that when you are
a surrogate
Katelyn came out
when she was 68 years old.
Now,
I don't know, maybe this is just me
but to me, is there that much difference
between a 68 year old man
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I have to get on the BGT.
I ha